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Wed Dec 6 9:24 pm  #1


Making it work.....monagamously

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Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (Tue May 22 1:48 am)


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

Thu Dec 7 10:43 am  #2


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

Dear Ellexoh,

I went back and read all of your previous posts to see where you are in your journey (I haven't been back on these boards for many years and don't know the people here very well yet).

Looking at the things you've written about your partner, his attitudes and comments, I would like to know why you believe that he is interested in a monogamous relationship.  Did something change?  Do you feel he is really ready to commit to you and have an exclusive relationship?  I ask because I think a monogamous MOM is the hardest thing to maintain and I don't see how it stands a chance unless BOTH partners are 100% on board.

Your man needs to be in counseling.  Both as an individual and with you in marriage counseling.  Pretending he doesn't have those feelings for men will not enrich your relationship.  They will not magically go away.  He is and always will be a bisexual man.  You will need to find a way to accept (and forgive, and love) those aspects of him because they are part of what make him the man he is.

I'm not trying to be negative but I know from my own experience how hard a MOM can be.  They require so much care and commitment and sacrifice from both parties. Do you believe he wants this as much as you do?

 

Thu Dec 7 1:32 pm  #3


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

DoingMyBest wrote:

Dear Ellexoh,

I went back and read all of your previous posts to see where you are in your journey (I haven't been back on these boards for many years and don't know the people here very well yet).

Looking at the things you've written about your partner, his attitudes and comments, I would like to know why you believe that he is interested in a monogamous relationship.  Did something change?  Do you feel he is really ready to commit to you and have an exclusive relationship?  I ask because I think a monogamous MOM is the hardest thing to maintain and I don't see how it stands a chance unless BOTH partners are 100% on board.

Your man needs to be in counseling.  Both as an individual and with you in marriage counseling.  Pretending he doesn't have those feelings for men will not enrich your relationship.  They will not magically go away.  He is and always will be a bisexual man.  You will need to find a way to accept (and forgive, and love) those aspects of him because they are part of what make him the man he is.

I'm not trying to be negative but I know from my own experience how hard a MOM can be.  They require so much care and commitment and sacrifice from both parties. Do you believe he wants this as much as you do?

Your reply to me is full of the reasons it's Not going to work....and you're not trying to be negative?
Looking back at my past comments about my situation....you seem to be focussing on my partner more than me, and have turned my journey into a fait accompli (yes I realise I can't change his sexuality) with no room to progress forward. 
I came here...not my partner, and your reply is 'peppered' with statements/suggestions/advice about him, 


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

Thu Dec 7 2:48 pm  #4


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

I was answering from my own experience, but you’re right. This is about you, and this should be a safe space for you.

You have decided that you are going to remain in your MOM, that it is going to be monogamous, and your partner has agreed to that.

What specifically can we help you with?

 

Wed Dec 13 1:06 pm  #5


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

Hi,
I don't know your story can you fill me in?  Maybe I'll start a thread for our stories so we can all catch up.  I've been on here nearly 2 years although not as much the past year since I found this forum a little frustrating with the negative thoughts on MOMs.  
Vicky 


 
 

Sat Dec 16 5:44 am  #6


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

Ellexoh, and any other straights (like myself) trying and hoping to make their Mixed Orientation Marriage 'work': we need to face the stark truth that there are not many 'success stories'. Most MOMs fail, end in divorce. The statistics are there. Lesbian partners/wives are often already in a relationship with another woman when they 'come out' or are found out, and there is some evidence that successful long-term relationships straight man/lesbian are rarer. I've found (on web fora) very few men, two or three only, in my kind of place. Bi or queer men with straight wives seem to have more success.
But what is 'success'? My wife came out to herself and to me four years ago now, and we have since been in a sexless marriage, since she has and can have no desire for me. But we still love each other, have cuddles and touching, some kissing. She is content with this. I am resigned to this being the best that I can hope for, and hope (and pray) that at some point I may be able to move from resignation to a greater sense of peace.
I do, personally, resent those on web fora who say that my wife must be cheating on me. I know she's not. I know that we have total trust between us, and that we both want to go on together. That shared commitment is probably the most important part of staying together.
We have said to each other that our marriage vows have changed. They now read, 'until death do us part, or until one or the other meets a new love of their lives, but neither of us is looking'. If that makes any sense? For me, that permission that I could still find a new love is a great safety valve. But the fact is that I'll be 70 in a few weeks, and my wife is past 70. So there's a strong element of realism in us both: it's too late to make new lives. We're both best of making the best of what we have together.
Warm regards to all, Andrew (Brassyhub)

 

Sat Dec 16 3:10 pm  #7


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

Brassyhub wrote:

.....I know that we have total trust between us...

Trust is my biggest issue. And his hesitancy to discuss openly with me 
the parts of this 'earth-tilt' that he can't/won't admit are harming our r'ship.


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

Mon Dec 18 5:32 am  #8


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

This is where a third party, a therapist, a good friend, a spiritual counsellor, can be a great help. It's almost impossible, I suspect, alone.

 

Mon Dec 18 6:59 pm  #9


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

Brassyhub wrote:

 

Thanks Hub  
I have a therapist, this site, 2 of my children & a friend who know what I'm dealing with. 
I'm also thinking of a natural product to enhance my mood, lift my spirits, clear the fog 
of sadness. 
I'm thinking it will either help me through this...or allow me to see it in a different light,...and get me out of this. 
I can see I need a level playing field for me to make any decision. At the moment the field is tilted and I'm at the 
bottom of the slope hanging on by my fingertips!


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Dec 19 4:08 am  #10


Re: Making it work.....monagamously

I've had pretty long spells on anti-depressants. That helped. But of course, it doesn't alter the basic problem...

 

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