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December 5, 2017 7:17 pm  #11


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

I think this link was on the forums somewhere, but in case you didn't see it we found it to be a very helpful article: ​http://mixedorientation.com/mor/introduction.html

 

December 13, 2017 12:18 pm  #12


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

I am so glad to see this thread here.   I am just going to observe for a bit but if I need support I will be reaching out.  I am aware of other sites that support a MOM but I feel more comfortable with the straight spouse network at this time.

 

January 13, 2018 4:14 pm  #13


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Hi, I am kind of new here and could use some perspective, too.  

​I haven't yet confronted my husband.  I still don't know the answer to the question "am I better off with him or without him?"  Neither option looks particularly good, once you factor in things like finances, health, age, etc.

 

January 16, 2018 4:15 pm  #14


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

After having my request to join the Yahoo MonMOM group.....denied last year,  and feeling nonplussed and slightly confused (plus more than a little affronted) at the rejection...last week I, unbelievably!, had the rejection emailed to me again. Apropo of nothing! No re-application from me....no tearful email asking for admittance.
I thought....what a cruel & taunting thing to do... 

How can I undeniably prove I'm going through this hell if merely the way I choose to express myself in my application, for instance, can be the thing that that has a stranger....a stranger ffs!....veto my chance to join. 
I have truth and heartbreak on my side.  Not enough it seems

I saw my counsellor yesterday and I lamented that while it's almost trendy....'publicly okay'.....for the LGBTQ community to be out there and "proud to be authentic"......WHAT ABOUT THE ONES LEFT BEHIND?

"Who?"...many of them would ask..."the ones forgotten in the rush of others to claim their authenticity" that's who. Is the only way to show ourselves to have marches, take out advertisements, letters to the editor..... "be proud to be authentically straight".....it hasn't got the same ring to it has it?

My counsellor suggested I maybe start my own online group. Having already opened up to my children, a friend, & my counsellor.....the thought of opening up further afield is a little daunting. 
I'm also looking at mindfulness groups

As for me personally, and my man....it's day by day. The turmoil is always there.




 

Last edited by Ellexoh (January 16, 2018 4:31 pm)


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

January 16, 2018 4:22 pm  #15


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Lanechanging wrote:

I am so glad to see this thread here. I am just going to observe for a bit but if I need support I will be reaching out. I am aware of other sites that support a MOM but I feel more comfortable with the straight spouse network at this time.

Hi Lanechanging.....yip, I understand. I was exactly the same. 
You'll have to immerse yourself in the network and talk to a few people to get a feel of the environment there....to decide your path. It may take awhile. Read lots.....stay true to who you are and not who anybody else thinks you should be

Ellexoh


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

January 16, 2018 4:29 pm  #16


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

walkbymyself wrote:

Hi, I am kind of new here and could use some perspective, too.  

​I haven't yet confronted my husband.  I still don't know the answer to the question "am I better off with him or without him?"  Neither option looks particularly good, once you factor in things like finances, health, age, etc.

 

Hello WBM  If you read my reply to Lanechanging (above).....it may apply to you too. The main forum was invaluable when I first joined, because we first need to talk to others to find people who we fit comfortably with in a what seems totally crazy situation at times

Ellexoh

Last edited by Ellexoh (January 16, 2018 4:30 pm)


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

January 16, 2018 9:59 pm  #17


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Hi, Elle. I guess a lot of people reflexively react with well-intentioned advice, and I do listen to all perspectives out there, but at my age divorce can be catastrophic. So I think I want to know if there are people who have opted to remain married. Can you mentally and emotionally separate yourself from TGT and live a satisfying life, maybe not the marriage you signed up for but at least enter into the final stage of your life with financial means and health insurance, and all that. Rather than endure the disadvantages of being married, can’t we instead enjoy the advantages?

 

January 17, 2018 12:49 pm  #18


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

walkbymyself wrote:

So I think I want to know if there are people who have opted to remain married. Can you mentally and emotionally separate yourself from TGT and live a satisfying life, maybe not the marriage you signed up for but at least enter into the final stage of your life with financial means and health insurance, and all that. Rather than endure the disadvantages of being married, can’t we instead enjoy the advantages?

Oh yes, there are couples who have chosen to remain married, in spite of TGT.  You'll find everyone is different with what they can live with.  And in my case, our post-reveal marriage has evolved over the years into something I never imagined I'd be okay with.

When my husband first told me he was gay (twenty years into our marriage), we first tried monogamy.  He was miserable, which made me miserable because I still loved him dearly.  We tried "don't ask, don't tell" but I couldn't live with always wondering.  We tried a six-month separation but we both hated that.  So we decided to open up our marriage so that he can have male gay friends "with benefits."  Our sex life together is still satisfying enough for me that I don't need an outside partner, but I have that option.  My husband is not out to anyone but me and we are both fine keeping it that way.  Our family is intact (we have two grown children) and is our number one priority; we both still love each other very much.

It was NOT easy getting to this point.  It took a lot of therapy and counseling, tears and talking.  But we now have thirty-five years of marriage under our belts, our finances are sound (the cost of divorce was certainly a factor), and most important to us, we are content and trust our partnership.

It really does help to have someone to talk to and I hope you always feel as if you can come talk to us here.

 

January 17, 2018 4:00 pm  #19


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Doingmybest...it's monogamy or nothing for me. At this time there are no deals to be made, no sexual compromises to be made either.
I realise the journey may change my current opinion, life is ever-changing after all...but I think I would rather be alone and let my partner fulfill his desires than feel like I'm the lesser  part of an unwanted r'ship.


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

January 18, 2018 4:25 am  #20


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

We'll come to our 38th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. There seemed to be some disconnect for ages, and there was a long series of health problems, but when I finally forced the issue and said that I wasn't happy in an almost sexless marriage, that we needed therapy, my wife finally came out to herself and to me as a lesbian. That was over four years ago. And I am where I swore I would not find myself: in an entirely sexless marriage. Desire, and so sex are simply beyond her reach. But we have absolute trust and transparency. Neither of us is looking elsewhere. She had one very brief lesbian affair years ago, and a number of crushes, never taken to a sexual relationship.
We ARE all different. What are 'wants' and what are 'needs'? I want to be desired, not just affection, tenderness. I want sex. But I don't get it. And I seem to be fundamentally monogamous. I've never been unfaithful, and I've never even been seriously attracted to another woman. Then there is the question of age and finances: we're both over 70, couldn't afford to start new lives apart. Better the life we know, together, than the risk of not finding another partner. At the same time, our marriage vows did change: we said to each other, 'Until death do us part, or until one or the other finds a new love of their lives, but neither of us is looking.' And this 'freedom' allows me to feel not trapped by my past choices.
I've also just started a new therapy (leading to hypnotism), and the new therapist has suggested that my unconscious knew perfectly well what I was getting into. My fear of fatherhood and sex led me to choose a lesbian partner, and we've actually made a success of what seemed almost doomed to failure. He sees something beautiful and almost heroic in what we've created together. (Two uncles killed themselves, and I'm named after one of them, another was mentally handicapped: my genes were not meant to be passed on any further...?)
We all struggle for some sense of meaning and understanding, something that can make some sense of our lives and our choices. I'm starting to feel that my life is not an accident, a disaster, a mistake. We both did our best, and our best wasn't that bad. But there is a tragedy and a loss: neither of us have experienced, or will experience, the full joy of a sexual connection through desire with another.

 

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