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Mon Dec 4 11:47 am  #1


Anyone have experiences with staying together?

What I'm really wanting is to find the best balance of being supportive but also clear that I'm not wanting to get a divorce. ( We both know that may happen in the future). So far we've had some really really honest conversations and i think we both feel worried but hopeful we'll figure something out. It feels like we're leaning towards an open marriage type thing for her. I'm just wanting to take this slow and be comfortable with every step along the way.
So anyone out there done anything similar?  What can I do to support but not push? 

Thanks

 

Mon Dec 4 3:55 pm  #2


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Coulduseadvice wrote:

What I'm really wanting is to find the best balance of being supportive but also clear that I'm not wanting to get a divorce. ( We both know that may happen in the future). So far we've had some really really honest conversations and i think we both feel worried but hopeful we'll figure something out. It feels like we're leaning towards an open marriage type thing for her. I'm just wanting to take this slow and be comfortable with every step along the way.
So anyone out there done anything similar?  What can I do to support but not push? Thanks

 

I'll start by saying.....we have a long road ahead of us. I'm just over a year learning of my partners increased interest in his bisexual side. It's been rocky, and I now see our 32 years together in a new light, and although we have both said we can't see ourselves  apart....I have to constantly work at where I am in the r'ship, battle with my insecurity and lack of trust, and my belief in a man who has changed. 

Communication is THE MOST important tool we have. And knowing the right time for that always falls to me because he's not a talker. In fact....if he could....he'd sweep all this under the carpet, out of site, just carry on as if he'd NOT dropped a bombshell on our r'ship!

As for the open r'ship you're leaning towards.....yes take it very slow. Finding the balance between support & not being pushy is a tough one. Process how you're actually going to feel when your life-partner is off fucking somebody else, and be totally honest with yourself....and her! 

##All my partner's desires/fantasies seem to have been locked away in a box. He says he's no longer reading literotica, or watching porn, like his dishonesty & fabrication were just a mirage. But I feel resentment just under the surface. It's extremely difficult to get a man to talk about something he knows has hurt me....##


 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

Mon Dec 4 4:13 pm  #3


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

I can tell this was pretty upsetting for you, My story isn't as bad, I've always know she was bi and probably leaned closer to gay than straight, I just didn't realize it was something she wrestled with.That plus the fact that I F"ed up a few years back and had an affair. Feel free to judge I was wrong, but it has given me an better understanding of being with someone intimately while still being married to someone else. Things aren't always cooky cutter. She gave me a chance after How can I do any less?

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Dec 4 4:35 pm  #4


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

I've actually known my man is bi for about 9 years. It was the untruthful & disrespectful way 
he went about expressing his sexuality that hurt me the most. Not knowing the point when
everything changed, and having to run to catch up to where our lives are now...has been hell. 

I can't get over this.....if he's held the change in himself, the awakening of new urges....from me once 
then surely he can do it again. Will I know or will he just be better at covering it up?


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

Mon Dec 4 5:52 pm  #5


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

hey Ellexoh, I don't know you or your husband but i do understand loosing trust. If you are trying to stay together *and be happy*  you have to find a way to be honest with each other and he needs to own up to lying to you. You have to have that trust that nothings being held back for you to feel safe enough to keep this relationship. I lost a lot of trust when I had my affair... maybe some that i'll never completely get back. But I've been an open  book since then. I owned up to my mistakes. My wife never did anything i would say is "cheating"  and she opened up to me before things went that way. 
Anyway if you're looking to keep a relationship, you guys have got to find a way to open up, maybe a therapist? or a help group.and I would really think about addressing the infidelity first.... 
Good luck

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Dec 4 5:59 pm  #6


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Ellexoh wrote:

I've actually known my man is bi for about 9 years. It was the untruthful & disrespectful way 
he went about expressing his sexuality that hurt me the most. Not knowing the point when
everything changed, and having to run to catch up to where our lives are now...has been hell. 

I can't get over this.....if he's held the change in himself, the awakening of new urges....from me once 
then surely he can do it again. Will I know or will he just be better at covering it up?

To your question about him covering it up.... That can't be the way you think about it.... this isn't him lying about getting a speeding ticket .. this is something that he should be completely open with you about when he feels some way about something he should tell you, you don't have to like or agree but at least it's honest and you can have trust to work with.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Dec 5 2:45 pm  #7


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

I'm the straight spouse in a 35 year marriage.  My husband came out to me almost 15 years ago.  At that time we both decided that we wanted to do whatever we could to stay married while at the same time making sure that we were both having our needs met.  We've gone from monogamous to open on both sides and touched on lots of variations in between, had lots of ups and downs, pain and tears.  Our relationship has changed and evolved many, many times over the years but we are still committed and glad to be together.

Marriage counseling was a big help for us, even though our counselor had no experience with MOMs and acted as if we were crazy for trying.  But it gave us a neutral space to discuss our marriage and figure out what we wanted and needed.  It was especially helpful for me because I have a hard time expressing myself when I get emotional and the therapist was great at helping me get the words out.

 

 

Tue Dec 5 3:51 pm  #8


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

DoingMyBest wrote:

I'm the straight spouse in a 35 year marriage.  My husband came out to me almost 15 years ago. 

You've nurtured a MOM for 15 years?!

That's awesome 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

Tue Dec 5 4:17 pm  #9


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

DoingMyBest wrote:

I'm the straight spouse in a 35 year marriage.  My husband came out to me almost 15 years ago.  At that time we both decided that we wanted to do whatever we could to stay married while at the same time making sure that we were both having our needs met.  We've gone from monogamous to open on both sides and touched on lots of variations in between, had lots of ups and downs, pain and tears.  Our relationship has changed and evolved many, many times over the years but we are still committed and glad to be together.

Marriage counseling was a big help for us, even though our counselor had no experience with MOMs and acted as if we were crazy for trying.  But it gave us a neutral space to discuss our marriage and figure out what we wanted and needed.  It was especially helpful for me because I have a hard time expressing myself when I get emotional and the therapist was great at helping me get the words out.

 

 Thank you, it's been hard finding hope. It's nice to hear that I'm not totally insane btw any advice besides keeping communication open?

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Dec 5 7:13 pm  #10


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Just realize that people change, marriages change, and what you want now might not be what you want in the future.  Be open to making each other happy, but don't compromise on what you really need.  We all have lines that can't be crossed and you're not a failure or wrong for having those lines.  My lines have moved over the years as I've gotten older (I'm 54) and our children have left home, but yours may not.

One thing that really helped me was that I could always tell my husband how I was feeling (we haven't shared his orientation with anyone, so other than my therapist I had no one but him to talk to).  Try to get to a place where you can both be honest and open, a place where you both feel safe.  Trust, honesty, safety--those were things that were lost when my husband came out to me and it's been a long hard road to build that back up.

I would try again to join up with MMOMW on Yahoo.  It's SO helpful to hear about other marriages like your own--like you said, confirmation that you're not totally insane.

 

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