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November 30, 2017 11:39 am  #1


Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

Hi All,
  I've been thinking a lot lately about what I've read here on the Forum, and how I've processed my own situation in the now mostly three years since my husband revealed to me his desire to become a woman.  I think I've had an insight into a pattern many of us, myself included, understandably fall into, one that can keep us stuck and in pain.

When we discover our partner's sexual orientation or actions, or when these are revealed to us, our first reaction (after the shock), is to act, to continue to act, as part of a couple, each equally committed to the other and to the marriage.  We continue to view the way forward as something to be negotiated together, and our concern is equally for our partner--or, more often, because in our love and commitment we place the needs of our partners above our own, we see it as our loving obligation to understand and to help our partners.  We spend a lot of time thinking about their situation, diagnosing them, seeing the situation from their perspective or through their eyes; we delve into their pasts, give them the benefit of the doubt, even turn a blind eye to their behavior or talk ourselves into their version of events, because we continue to believe they are as committed to us and to our partnerships and future together as we are (or maybe we just want to believe they are, and that they love us, because the hurt otherwise is so very great).  
  We attribute our motives to them.
  What we do not realize or want to accept or believe is that they are not acting from the same motives and out of the same sense of shared interest.  There is no mutuality or reciprocity of the kind we assume there is.
   Our partners are self-interested--whether to deny their sexuality or continue living in a closet, or to present as one person to the world and live privately or secretly as quite another.  Whatever the reason, it is their primary interest; their self-interest is paramount.  They are quite willing to sacrifice us to that self-interest, and I believe this is true whether that willingness is deliberate or not, whether it's a cold decision coldly arrived at or a desperate reaction to growing up in a home or church or culture that rejects their sexuality.
  I've come to believe that only after we can fully accept that fact of their self-interest as their primary driving force (and absorb that blow to our ideals and self-esteem) can we begin to see clearly our situation and decide that it is okay to start thinking about what is in our own self interest (and then begin to do so).  
  I think that idea of acting for ourselves--rather than as part of a committed couple--is behind a lot of the advice or questions offered or posed by others who are farther along in this difficult journey.  You'll often see someone ask, "What's acceptable to you?" or tell us to "Remember that you have the right to decide what's right for you."  I think sometimes we push back against these sorts of comments because we are trying to push away the painful reality--we would prefer to continue to think our partners are committed to a life together even though their actions and words often are causing us pain because they demonstrate to us that our partners aren't committed to us but exclusively to themselves.  
  Speaking for myself, it was only when I fully accepted this hurtful truth about my spouse that I could begin to shift my attention away from his situation (and his needs) to my own, and begin to see and to work on those areas in my life (learned helplessness in some areas, self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, unrealistic fears, etc) that keep me in an untenable situation and prevent me from moving forward in my life with confidence in my future and my ability to live fully and happily without my partner.

  I don't know if what I've said will help anyone else or provide some clarity, and I know that others have said this before, but it helped me to write it out for myself.  
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 30, 2017 11:46 am)

 

November 30, 2017 12:52 pm  #2


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

I couldn't agree more, OoHc.  We are still committed to them when we find out the betrayal they've been visiting upon us, but instead of seeing it as betrayal, we try to flip it into something that we can process easier.  Our HEART knows the truth - that's why it hurts.  But our brains are foolish - they try to figure out a reason for the betrayal - we can't seem to accept what's happened unless we can get to the bottom of it.  For some of us, that answer we come to is that WE are the problem - that if we would only morph into something better - or more to their liking - that the issue would self-resolve.  And so we futily try that - sometimes for years.  We own their issue - even though they've never come to us with things we needed to change before they stepped out on us.  For others, we see the stem of the problem as being the difference between their sexuality and ours.  And this IS the crux of the problem.  But there are two ways to go once we come to this conclusion.  We can accept that we're up against something that we had no place in creating, and that we can therefore have no place in resolving.  That's a tough pill to swallow - because it means the loss of the relationship.  So we make up an alternate reality - that their sexuality is somehow like an illness or an event - something to be diagnosed, treated, and accommodated.  So we try to do that.  Sometimes by letting them have the freedom to discover more about their malady.  Sometimes by sacrificing the monogamy we need so that they'll be fulfilled  enough to want to stay with us.  We forego the reality that if they're getting fulfillment outside the relationship in order to stay with us, it's really not US that's making them happy at all - we don't have all of them, which is what we really want.

The fact is that your spouse likely has known alllll along - for years - likely before you even knew them - that they are gay.  I view "bi" as meaning that people are sexually excited by and open to relationships with both males and females.  So if your partner is claiming to be bi but wants more than just you, then no - in my opinion they are gay, not bi.  To me, that's like saying that I'm open to dating men of man different colors, but then after marrying a white man, telling him that I am bi-racial, and that means I need BOTH a white man AND a black man in my life or else I'm not fulfilled.  And no one does that.  That's ludicrous.  If you're open to both and fall in love and commit to one, then that means you're happy with your choice.  And that you don't leave them because it turns out that you like other colors too, and need them as well.  So no - they're not "bi" if they're saying they need the sex opposite of what you are.  They're saying that you are not fulfilling enough to them - because as it turns out, they aren't fulfilled enough by someone of your sex.  And there's NOTHING you can do about that.  NOTHING.  It's game over.  Don't bother trying to accommodate that - it's a recipe for your own future pain and unhappiness.  You're just prolonging the inevitable, and creating unnecessary pain in the meantime.

Since they've known for a LONG time (or maybe all along) that they truly preferred their same sex as a partner but chose you instead, that means that they had ulterior motives for doing so.  It means that they didn't WANT to be gay - despite having been exactly that.  They chose instead to hide their sexuality by marrying the opposite sex (you), or they chose to have a "normal" life by having the dream - the spouse, the house, the children.  So they lied to you in order to get what THEY wanted.  It was ALWAYS about them and what they wanted.  They knew they should have told you what was really up, but that would likely mean that you'd have opted out.  And so their own motives were more important than giving you honesty - so that you could live an authentic life.  They were NEVER on your side - only their own.

THAT is what we need to realize when we figure out the issue in our relationship is a sexual mis-match.  That they have always been on their own side, and they are even moreso now.  That they don't NEED us on their side - they're getting all the support they already need from themselves.  US being on their side leaves no one to support us and what's best for us.  And that's not healthy, productive or sane.

You don't immediately stop loving for and caring for someone when you find out that they've betrayed you.  The feelings are slow to die - even if we feel the quick stab of pain right in the beginning.  But the reality is that what they've revealed is that they aren't for YOU, or for the marriage.  They are for themselves.  And you can't support them at that point without making that dynamic even MORE lop-sided.  You cannot help someone in hurting you even more.  Not unless you don't care for your own well-being.  It is not noble to do this - it is downright dangerous and pointless.  The more help you give them, the further you assist them in pushing themselves away from you and toward their own desires.  Let them get the help they need elsewhere - or from within themselves.  They've beein doing that all along already.  They don't need your help at that point - YOU need your help.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (November 30, 2017 1:02 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

November 30, 2017 4:33 pm  #3


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

Very true, Lynne - it's not them being gay that makes them toxic - it's them being a narcissist.

I used to think that my ex wasn't a narcissist.  Until one day I was describing to my current husband what a narcissist is (and how I didn't think my ex was one), and he just kept staring at me blankly every time I finished more description.  "A narcissist is someone who is all about them - they don't care about you." (blank stare).  " What I mean is that they always consider themselves more important than you."  (blank stare, accompanies by blinking)  "I mean,..... they will do whatever it takes to get what they want.  They'll lie, make you think you're nuts for seeing them doing wrong, tell you that you're expecting too much, expect your support...." (blank stare accompanied by rapid blinking).  "Hooh boy.  He IS a narcissist, isn't he?!?!"

That moment when you realize that it wasn't all some sort of cosmic mistake.  This person KNEW what they were doing, and did so anyway - because it got them what THEY wanted.  Even if it was at your expense.  And then when you figured the game out, they made you think you were crazy for thinking there even was a game.  Or tried to make you play a different game so that you'd be distracted and let them continue the game they've been playing all along.  Or they elicit your help for their poor, broken selves - because if you're concentrating on them, how you be holding them accountable for anything they're doing to you?

They are NOT more important than us.  They met people who were willing to think that, and they saw their window and took it. And then used our kind hearts against us as weapons.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

November 30, 2017 7:18 pm  #4


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

Nailed it OOHC!   So well said!  Thanks for sharing. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 1, 2017 7:45 am  #5


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

"it's not them being gay that makes them toxic - it's them being a narcissist"

I was talking with a friend today, she was expressing concern for a family member and I was saying how extraordinary it was that these closet spouses will have affairs and feel so entitled and not guilty over their straight partner.

and she says this and I say that and suddenly we are looking at each other and nailing a fundamental fact - for a heterosexual we love the opposite sex but for a homosexual they are the sex they love.  They love themselves.

I like gay people, I am quite happy to go with their emotionality - I'm accepting of them.  Even the ones in denial can be okay now that I am not married to one.  That was toxic.  Being married to a gay person.  That's what's toxic, that's what makes you feel so sick to the stomach.  even when you don't know why.

 

December 1, 2017 12:47 pm  #6


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

Ooooh, I never even thought of that before, Lily - that of COURSE they love the same sex - they're narcissists!  Lol.  I have noticed how often a gay couple will very much look like each other - same color, both have beards, dark hair, same body style, etc. It's like they're in love with themselves!

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

December 1, 2017 4:53 pm  #7


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

I don't know that it follows that being gay makes you a narcissist!  It's all very complicated to even talk about isn't it.  But mainly for me I think it highlights why marriage to a gay person is toxic.  Why they can't love their straight spouse back.  Why the married gay becomes narcissistic - without another man to love he is turned back on himself.  And the straight is left alone and neglected as she looks after her partner waiting for him to love her back.

 

December 2, 2017 3:50 am  #8


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

"Processing our Situations"
   That says it all! Processing any situation for an intelligent decent person is just that. Thinking through something. Where we get stuck is when we try to make sense of how another human being can be so cruel and callous. How another human being who professes love for us can behave so horribly. How they LIED to us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year by misrepresenting the core of who they really were. A really awesome therapist once told me "For ANY relationship to work, both parties must honestly say who they are AND their actions must reflect that."
    My narc ex entangled me into his closet and web of deceit so much I nearly lost my self. After discovery there was the typical honeymoon where he cried and begged me to stay. I wanted so much to believe him after 24 years together. But, I wasn't to question anything and so his campaigning began. It has been an actual all out campaign to shift absolutely all blame onto me for the demise of our marriage. And he tells his line of BS to anyone who will listen. My circle of trusted friends and family is small but without their love and support I may never have picked myself up and started making decisions for my future. Decisions that were extremely difficult at times, but nonetheless have put me on a path where the light at the end of the tunnel has never been brighter.
    BTW, my divorce was final 2 weeks ago. I have gone from a blubbering puddle of agonizing pain 2 years ago to feeling free to be myself again. To spend time with my kids and grandkids and sisters and friends. To help my son-in-law build myself a house this spring and to read a book all day in my jammies if I want. I still do not know how another human being can be so awful, but I do know one thing for sure. I am not responsible for another's actions and choices. I am responsible for myself and will act and choose according to my own morals, promises and how I want my loved ones to view me.

 

December 2, 2017 5:03 pm  #9


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

OutofHisCloset wrote:

  I don't know if what I've said will help anyone else or provide some clarity, and I know that others have said this before, but it helped me to write it out for myself.  
   

OutofHisCloset, Just so you know, what you have written has helped me and does provide some clarity.   Thank you.
 

 

December 2, 2017 7:15 pm  #10


Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls

Congratulations Paula on getting away.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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