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November 29, 2017 6:26 pm  #1


I just want to be done with it!

Oh where to start? I found this site back in 2012. One wonderful night end of 2012 I got home late from work and sat at the computer to relax go through facebook and what not. Little did I know that it wasn't going to be relaxing at all. My husband of 8 years had forgotten open a page he was on. Craigslist casual encounters t4m. It was 1 am and I couldn't hold it. I woke him up and confronted him. He said he as just looking at pictures (mind you there are not many pictures there and the ones that was ewwww gross), the he was curious, that he would never act on it, that he couldn't believe i could even think that of him. What time did he have to act on this? A few days later a saw a strange charge on the bank account. Looking further I notice it was a recurring charge. I called the 1800 # and what a surprise to know it was a membership for a hookup site. Manhunt. Once again I confronted him. First he denied and told me he had no idea why that would be on the bank statement. It was a wrong charge. after further pressure from me he broke down and told me that he had been sexually molested as a young teenager and had that account to talk to people that might had the same issue as him. That he had never cheated on me and he never would. LIFE BEFORE THAT: We met online in 2002 and after talking for a couple months we went out for a movie and dinner. He was shy, respectful, in great shape. We started dating. We saw each other a couple times a week and most of the time there was sex and it was ok. We have had great sex maybe 3 times in 15 years. The rest was good enough or blah really. We got engaged one year after and married two years after meeting. He never really had a high sex drive (at least not for me) but I was ok with that Though I do enjoy sex very much I wouldn't need it everyday. He was a great guy. Sex life wen down pretty fast I got pregnant Jan/2007. I remember thinking how in a hell was I supposed to get pregnant if we had sex once a month or less?! He didn't touch me my whole pregnancy. After I had my son It didnt get better at all. lts say 6 times a year os less. I had to get mad, cry about it. Idk how many times I have told him how this made me feel. He said if I wanted sex I should of ask for it. The few times that I did I got a ehhh we can try but I'm really tired I dont think its going to work. I would have no problem initiating it if I felt like he wanted me, not at all. But giving the history I really had a problem with it. LIFE AFTER CRAIGSLIST/MANHUNT DISCOVERY: I stayed. We had a honeymoon phase. He was the best husband that there was. It was very short lived. He went to the therapist for his sex molestation for a full 3 sessions and told me that all that was is that he was porn addicted. Huh? things went back to normal. I feel crazy writing this. Why am I still here? I want it out! I'm depressed. I went from go getter working full time and taking care of the house to working part time and not doing anything to keep the house most of the time. He cleans, does the laundry. He doesnt complain as long as things are going his way. Meaning Im  "happy" and staying with him. A couple of years ago I told him I wanted a divorce. He became nasty! My youngest is 10 Idk how I just know that I need out.

 

November 29, 2017 6:35 pm  #2


Re: I just want to be done with it!

sorry a little bit more. I dont want put the kids through hard times. He is a professional who makes good money. I have no family here I'm from another country, dont have a college degree. Sometimes I think that he had this all planned. I had a child from a previous relationship, no family around. I feel so weak! He broke my spirit all this years. I dont even know who I am anymore. All I want is to love and be loved am I asking for too much. I'm 44 now I think about just riding the wave. In a few years we will be at the point where that would be no sex in our relationship anyway right? But I resent him so much that it would still hurt me. Ok Im done now. Thank you for listening

     Thread Starter
 

November 30, 2017 12:13 pm  #3


Re: I just want to be done with it!

I have been where you are with the lack of intimacy in my previous marriage.  Even when I only suspected what the problem was, it didn't help - I felt ugly and unloved, and it didn't matter why.  My brain would tell me that it wasn't me - and I truly did believe that.  But my HEART - my poor, aching heart couldn't get the message.  The only thing it felt was rejection and pain.  Eventually, I decided that I couldn't go on that way - no matter what the reason.  That to go on in that state meant that I was okay with accepting being that unhappy.  And I just.... couldn't.  I did try, believe me.  But it was like a pebble in my shoe every single day.  A woman shouldn't have to beg her husband for affection and passion.  It tears at our spirit in a way that is indescribable.

I worried about my kids, and our financial stability.  I simply couldn't see a way out.  But at one point, instead of thinking about what my life would look like if I left, I started concentrating on what my life would look like if I stayed.  Leaving scared me.  Staying terrified me to the point where I felt that I couldn't breathe.  I knew which choice I had to make.  To hell with the fallout - I'd figure it out.

And I did.  It honestly figured itself out, actually.  It took years for my ex to leave after I told him I wanted a divorce.  Those were tough years.  But after he left, I met a wonderful man just a few months later.  And I've been happily re-married for years now.  We bought a home together this past March.  The only thing that could improve now is for me to a) win the Lotto, b) lose 100 lbs., and c) for my mentally ill son to be healed.  Other than that, I have everything I have EVER wanted and more.

I'm not saying that it will work this way for everyone who leaves.  But I can tell you that life can be amazing afterward.  That I got the thrill of falling in love all over again - with the best man I've ever known - and having him seemingly love me even more.  And this dude can't keep his hands off me (despite the fact that I need to lose a good 140 lbs.).  I could never have had any of this with my ex.  It was unfixable.  I didn't know just how bad off I was (relationship wise) until I was in a phenominal relationship.  There is just no comparison - and my old relationship - no matter what we could have fixed - could ever have been this good.  Not in a million years.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (November 30, 2017 12:16 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

December 2, 2017 3:25 pm  #4


Re: I just want to be done with it!

Lynne Thank you for your reply. Very insightful information there.

Kel you put it so well. Indescribable is a good word for it. The hurt is just beyond imagination. I feel just like that. Ugly, unworthy, rejected, unloved, neglected and the list goes on, and yet I'm frozen by the fear of the unknown and the what if's. I told him a couple years ago that I wanted a divorce and he became a person that I wished I never knew was there, no physical abuse but the mental abuse and manipulation is not any better. You know how it works, as soon as they go crazy they go back on what they say and promise to be the husband you deserve and please don't leave me. I know divorce in my case is not a matter of is it going to happen but when. I feel like I'm on a boat on shark infested waters. The boat has a hole. I have been trying to take the water out of the boat with a bucket for years now and we have been sailing. Some days are better than others. Some days more water comes in than others. I'm physically and emotionally tired of trying to keep the boat afloat. So I have 2 options. I can jump in the shark infested water (divorce) and hope the sharks are not hungry and I'll be able to swim away or I can stay in the boat taking the water out as best as I can, for as long as I can knowing that at some point the boat is going to sink no matter what because I just cant take water out for the rest of my life, and I'm going to find myself in the shark infested waters anyway. Only then my kids will have their own lives and won't have to be in that water with me. sigh... its like there is no where to run.
I hope that my story will mimic yours someday and Ill have somebody that loves me like a man should love a woman.
Ps.: Love ur quote 
"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm". I'm trying to make that my mantra.

     Thread Starter
 

December 2, 2017 4:59 pm  #5


Re: I just want to be done with it!

cantdothisanymore,
I don't post here, much, anymore, but I feel compelled to respond to you.  My story:   24 years married, 5 children, 2 years post-disclosure, 8 months post-divorce...SAHM for 20+ years (now single mom, children live with me, newly employed, inspired by my work).  4 of my children still live at home.  They are not all grown.  The youngest is still in elementary school.

I was not able to think clearly, for well over a year, post-disclosure.  When I finally could think clearly, I still could not think clearly about what was best for me.  However, I did know what was best for my children:  Living a true life was best for them.  That was the big reason that compelled me to divorce.  I did it for my children.  My parents have been married over 60 years.  Of course, I value marriage, as much as anyone else on this site.  To use your shark analogy, I was Not going to allow my children to be living a lie, any longer; I couldn't allow them to stay in that marriage boat, surrounded by dangerous, unsteady waters.  Staying in a lie of a marriage gives that example to our children.  I couldn't do that to my children.  I want them to respect me for living in truth.   I did not want them to think that our marriage was something to value.  It wasn't.  It was a lie.  They could sense the lack of trust.

I had no idea where I would end up.  I still don't.  I do know that my children know that I am truthful with them.  They are not confused as to why we could not stay married.  They know their father has issues, stemming from living a lie for decades.  They are trying to live truthful lives, themselves.  They know that, despite all my imperfections, they can trust me.

I would imagine that the truth will come out to your children, somehow, some day.  They will wonder why you stayed.

 

December 4, 2017 4:49 pm  #6


Re: I just want to be done with it!

Sometimes the sharks aren't actually there - we just think they may be.  We never see a fin, but we imagine that if we were to jump in the water, suddenly all the ripples and waves we see would be from sharks.  Well, I'm here to tell you that sometimes, you're already in the boat with the largest shark in the ocean.  You're in more danger IN the boat than OUT of it.

The stuff in the water is actually fear - of the unknown.  You say that your spouse has a good job.  If you also have a house, you may wind up financially okay after the divorce.  It's worth visiting with a lawyer to find out where you are likely to stand.  Their advice at the first session is free.  He/she will be able to tell you what you're entitled to.  You'd think it's got to all be up in the air, but some of it's really cut and dried.  In some states - like mine (Illinois), you are entitled to half of all assets accumulated during marriage.  It doesn't matter who's name it's in.  Neither does it matter whose fault the divorce is - it's a no-fault, 50/50 state.  Child support is even easier - it's a certain percentage of his income for the first child, and additional X% for the second, etc.  The more information you can accumulate ahead of time, the better you can use that first consultation to your advantage.  If you know what the 401K savings is, for instance, you'll know how much you stand to gain (if in your state you're entitled to half of that, too).  Same with savings accounts, money market accounts, stocks, bonds, property, etc.  The more info you go in with, the better idea you'll have of what you stand to walk away with.  And that could completely change your assumptions about your finances.

Now,..... the rest of it (a divorce) is fear about other intangible things that we can only predict ahead of time - how the kids will take it, whether we'll be lonely or overwhelmed, what we'll do if our time and energy is too limited for what our new lives require.  However, I can tell you that it all seems to work out in the end.  The YOUNGER the children are, the easier it will be.  We all think the opposite is true, but it's not.  The younger they are, they better they adapt.

And from your original post you said that maybe the lack of sex won't matter in a few years when you two get older anyway.  It's not about sex, really - it's about intimacy.  Sex is a form of intimacy.  But so it physical connection via holding hands, kissing, stroking, etc.  So are looks across the room, texts to each other, love notes, romance, presents, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, etc.  You will never outgrow those things - even if many people do have more simplified needs as they age.  If you're not feeling loved, cherished, beautiful and wanted, then no - that's NEVER going to not matter.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

December 4, 2017 6:24 pm  #7


Re: I just want to be done with it!

Kel,
 In Illinois, which is where I also live, you aren't entitled to any inheritance or gifts that have not been made part of marital assets.   A gift of money to me and an inheritance that I did put into the house--those are now part of the martial assets. But I also have a savings account and a small stock account that are the result of gifts given to me by my family members, and they have always been in accounts in my name only.  My lawyer has assured me that these are not part of marital assets and can't be claimed by my spouse. 

 

December 4, 2017 6:32 pm  #8


Re: I just want to be done with it!

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Kel,
 In Illinois, which is where I also live, you aren't entitled to any inheritance or gifts that have not been made part of marital assets.   A gift of money to me and an inheritance that I did put into the house--those are now part of the martial assets. But I also have a savings account and a small stock account that are the result of gifts given to me by my family members, and they have always been in accounts in my name only.  My lawyer has assured me that these are not part of marital assets and can't be claimed by my spouse. 

This is correct for Michigan as well.  The term is "co-mingled"..  when inheritance or gifts are joined into dual accounts or put toward an asset owned by both people or invested into joint retirement or investment accounts, etc..   My ex co-mingled a small inheritance into a joint investment account that I managed.  I could have pressed for half of it but chose not to because I didn't feel it was right.  
Kel is right about most of it though.  Most states seem to be 50/50 or close to it with little to no penalty based on fault
Anyway.. I assume most states are similar, but anyone reading this should do their own research and/or speak with an attorney about this. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 22, 2017 4:17 pm  #9


Re: I just want to be done with it!

For those who live in the USA and aren't yet divorced this article about the new federal income tax changes points out  changes in alimony that you might want to take into account even if you aren't wealthy::

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-12-22/wealthy-americans-are-already-trying-to-exploit-the-new-tax-law

The relevant part is at the end where it says:

Under the law, divorced taxpayers who pay alimony would no longer be able to deduct those payments from their income, and recipients of alimony would also no longer need to report the money as income. However, the provision doesn’t go into effect right away and instead applies to divorces finalized after Dec. 31, 2018. So, depending on whether you’re set to pay or receive alimony, you might want to speed up or slow down those divorce proceedings. 

Maybe some consolation to would-be recipients.



 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

December 22, 2017 7:07 pm  #10


Re: I just want to be done with it!

delete

Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 2:19 pm)

 

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