OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



November 29, 2017 2:53 am  #1


Letting it all out - grateful for support

I'm going to start this thread right where I'm at today. Don't get much time lately to scour all of these posts full of validating information. I don't know how I would survive without this outlet.

I haven't been on here for a while bc I started a new job.The freight train of my marriage keeps going though. Someone posted a link to past post that included a list or steps that are typical of the GID spouse. I will find that info & link it later. Crazy thing is, I only read it once but the impact was such a paradigm-shifting shocker that I memorized it. I haven't been able to get it out of my mind ever since. He is doing everything on that list one by one. I have no reason to believe that he will not do the next step which is after the honeymoon phase (trying to prove he's hetero, monogamous) he will be creating a back up plan - finding someone else. Whether that will be yet another WIFE/CLOSET to hide in or a man on the down low is not so important to me. I am in such denial over this emotionally but my logical mind is accepting it. I am seeing some hints he may be doing just that. All of a sudden he has 'someone at work' that he can stay with & maybe it's best if we separate. And this, after months of crying he has nowhere to go, no friends whenever I have requested that he leave instead of me and my son. This is a man. A man who is of his specific sexual preference. Couldn't stop talking about this new guy at work, his "partner" as he puts it, until I asked if he was attracted to him. I wanted to know why he is talking to people at work about our marriage and arranging a place to stay in an obvious forming of a relationship. 

Crazy thing is, he did not rage about it. He had a nervous laugh and then played dumb, "I don't know what you're talking about". Laughing at me, even, for my audacity to blurt out such lies about him. I am trying to force him to be gay. Judging him unfairly. He is on a "it was just a phase" kick now. Or "I was just acting out my abuse" or "It (sex with men) was forced on me, therefore, it is not something I have to accept. I am not gay". He's been stuck on this for two weeks now. I'm the evil one who wants a divorce over something that is a lie. Blah, blah, blah.

CPS came to my home on Friday with allegations of domestic violence/fighting in front of my son and neglect. Obviously the first is his ptsd denial rages and the second charge is for me. I'm neglecting the safety of my son by exposing him to this and staying in it. I found out there were multiple reports. One of which, I believe, was a crisis line person who accused me of saying that I WAS participating in threesomes with mixed orientation partners, including TS in my home. I  corrected her explaining that I said he wanted me to not that I was doing that. As she put "having TS in & out of the bedroom" with my son in the home is neglect of his safety. They looked in each room & closets of the house, turned on the water and opened the fridge.They said the case would be closed & they are not going to investigate further but I am not relaxing about this. I have been freaking out ever since.

I broke down in my support group today. Told them I would off myself or hurt Mr. GI-severe-D spouse. if they took my son away. Had to talk a while about that until they were convinced I was okay, not going to harm myself or him. They assured me I am doing what I need to do and on the right track. The counselor advised that I start keeping a record of these fights (until I can leave) and record what action I took to keep my son/myself safe (to NOT neglect his/my safety). Each and every time he rages, yells, slams doors, punches walls (they found 3 holes in our bedroom/bathroom/closet doors) I must document the time, date, event and what action I took to keep my son safe. This place where we are receiving services is a trauma healing center that myself & my son have been going since May this year. My GID spouse just finished his 1-on-1 therapy there so they know all of us and our situation. In fact, I believe it was his counselor who called cps as he mentioned his therapist had stopped him mid sentence to say that what he was saying was reportable, even if it was years ago. Of course, he denies this.

I told the counselors that bc I am afraid his outbursts are going to generate another call & possibly the loss of my son (who would attempt suicide if he went to a facility as 16 yo's have to) that I need their help to find affordable housing. I need housing, not a shelter bc 1. they won't take teen aged boys into shelters (they go to group facilities), and 2. I would loose my new job bc of the odd hours I need to work and the curfews of most shelters. I can't loose my lifeline, my job.. So they made a referral for housing assistance so I can leave asap. I am quite the basket case emotionally but I am quite numb & in robot mode - go go go - to make the moves that make me independent. Those things that kept me dependent on him I am taking down piece by piece.: I'm disabling those buttons. Not easy but I am doing it somehow. Now when he threatens to leave me alone with the rent I can't afford and basically screw me over, it doesn't hurt so bad when I have a job and a car ! So now I can genuinely say "So what? Go. Do me the favor" and then he switches to "No, you get the fuck out. This is MY house." Doesn't help to engage with logic since logic bounces off perpetual liars brains but that doesn't stop me from defending myself. No more. Doesn't work anymore. I'm done. I'm exhausted. Falling asleep writing this. More later. 

 

November 29, 2017 6:19 am  #2


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

Thanks for trusting us enough to share self. You are strong and amazing, and know you both deserve better. Please do whatever you need to do to keep you and your son safe. It sounds like you have great resources at your disposal, keeping moving forward, and we are here to listen when you need it. Hugs.

 

November 29, 2017 10:59 am  #3


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

Thank you Dee. I am having a lot of fear and panic attacks about his reaction to me actually doing something. Not that I haven't actually done lots of new things. I have not made any decision and I told him (before cps) that I would not make any decision about our relationship until I can get individual counseling. I don't have that yet. I am working on options. I don't want to lose the health insurance his job provides either. I don't see him keeping us on either. It's things like that which make it hard to leave. May have to be on welfare and their insurance. I have to accept that as okay and know I'm building my ability to provide that for myself. This is temporary. I have a plan. Good, now tell that to my sequestered heart. Yep, I have pushed the longing, sentiment, comfort, heart ache & all the whirlwind of emotions & fear away. I can't talk to it. That part of me is really sick and is acting like a scared deer in headlights. So if I touch those things, and they are ever so close by, I panic & try to talk myself that I'm wrong. He has such sad puppy dog eyes lately. They tell me I'm causing him pain & ask "don't you love me" all the time. He gets depressed and suicidal when he accepts the inevitable. I don't want to feel like I'm crushing him but that is what I will be doing when I leave. It is his denial, which is very strong, that will make me the bad guy here. I didn't work yesterday and I should be at work now. I can't get up today. I must get up. I cannot quit. I am seriously debilitating myself by not working when I should. I'm trying to force myself. I am doing everything but getting ready for work. I'm typing this hoping if I let it out again, I will be able to move. So, I'm gonna go now and see if I can push myself out the door and put on that smile and provide excellent service. I love being involved in the community now & meeting people. It helps me to exit my hell. I am now catching myself visioning my own place, my new life, new friends. Those thoughts have come spontaneously & surprise me. I say to myself in shock "what are you thinking? You're not there yet." I feel like I've been climbing the first huge drop of a roller coaster for months now. I am nearing the top now. There will be a pause there and then it will drop. My stomach will stay on top as I drop weightless (without him) into my first place/apartment without him. That will be the first big plunge. CPS involvement sped the coaster up a bit. I'm getting to the top faster than I had anticipated. I wanted 6 mos to a year (just signed a lease, dammit) but I will not be getting that time now. So, less talk more moving/earning. I have to build my new nest. I have to fix my son's wings so he can fly out of the nest ready to conquer life. And I have to strengthen my wings. I'm so grateful for this place to let it all out. It is the ONLY place I can do that right now. Gonna fly now.

     Thread Starter
 

November 29, 2017 11:28 am  #4


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

baby steps my friend.  You are trying to carry the weight of the world right now and you don't have do that. 

I was the same way.. I buried myself in worry and fear to the point where it became too much to handle and I started having anxiety attacks and my body started shutting down.   To fix this, I would recommend finding a pen and paper and write down a list of all the things that are in your head that you are worried about right now.  Once you have them written down, go through the list and figure out which ones you have to figure out this week.  Chances are it will be only a few small things..   Everything else on the list can wait.  Stop worrying about those things that you don't need to solve today.  Most of those decisions are things you can't even figure out today because you don't have all the info yet.. so don't burden your mind with worry about things you can't solve right now.   Medical insurance is a perfect example of this.  Understand that he can't drop you until you are divorced, which is probably 6+ months from now.  Even after that, you typically have an additional year that you can remain on his plan independent of him.  Who knows what options will be available to you at a future point when you need to make that decision.. so don't stress over it today because it's only hurting you. 

You don't have to get up today unless you want to.  If being at work makes you feel better, then go do it.  If you aren't ready, then don't do it.  I know there are responsibilities in life, but this is your rainy day.. now is when you circle the wagons and take care of yourself. 

Stop stressing, worrying or even caring about his mental state.  He wasn't worried about you when he lied to you and married you, so it's not your responsibility to do that for him now.  He doesn't deserve it.  He's a big boy and he can deal with the consequences of his choices and actions now on his own.  

One day at a time..  You'll get there and everything will turn out fine.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 29, 2017 2:12 pm  #5


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (September 13, 2019 2:12 pm)

 

November 29, 2017 3:53 pm  #6


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

I can't stand how THEY do all this..... shitty stuff, and then when we decide that this isn't what we signed up for and we can't see a way to have a good marriage and decide that separating is for the best, then it's OUR fault.  Our fault that we're not accepting.  Or forgiving.  Or for being too obsessed with life being perfect.  Or being too needy.  It's ALL COMPLETE BULLSHIT.  Seriously.  They made their bed and then they want US to lie in it.  And if we do, then it's all okay and they move right onto being forgiven and not needing to be questioned, and wanting our complete trust back.  THEY never want to do the work - that's alllll up to us.  WE just need to accommodate them or we're the bad guy.  It's NOT right.  It's not reality.  They just try to convince us that it is.

At some point in any abusive relationship where you have to call it quits or you're just choosing to let yourself continue to be treated poorly.  You're choosing to live unhappily.  There comes a point where you can no longer reasonably believe that they can change, or that you can trust them ever again.  That point is NEVER agreed on by them.  You are always cutting them off at the knees, as far as they're concerned.  It's always your fault for not just wiping the slate clean AGAIN.  I have a son who has really bad emotional issues.  It was so disrespectful already, but I'd grown used to it.  And isn't a mother supposed to love her child, no matter what?  He was terrorizing all of us at home, but I just kept trying to make it work.  And he just kept seeing that he could get away with anything he wanted.  Then one day, he acted out so violently that I told him to get out of the house for a bit and cool off.  I realized when he was gone that I was hiding glass and heavy objects so that when he returned, he couldn't go bonkers and smash things or hurt us with them.  It was in that moment that I realized I was scared.  And that if Iiii was scared, my two much younger children were certainly not safe from him.  THAT's when I cracked.  I suddenly knew I had to get him out.  I went to the court the VERY next day and got a restraining order against my own child.  What mother thinks she's ever going to have to do that?  The judge told me that I needed to keep the restraining order in place - meaning that I couldn't let him back in my home, or it would be considered me revoking the restraining order.  And that if I did that, and my minor children got harmed, they could TAKE THEM from me, because I was knowingly endangering them.

I wanted to be a good mom to ALL of my kids - to prepare them well for life.  To show them love.  But once the one crossed the line of scaring me, that was IT.  There was no coming back from that.  I had no options left.  And it was painful for me, knowing that he had nowhere to go, no way of earning money, no money in his pocket or food to take with him.  But I HAD to do it.  Otherwise I was choosing my abuser over all the people who were loving me the right way.  I was endangering them - and me.

I didn't realize where my line was - but once I hit it, I knew I'd crossed a line that I couldn't go back from.  I knew it when I got there.  There was NO convincing me to keep on the way things were.  If you are the same, then so be it.  It's too bad if it's causing him pain - that's not your intention.  But DON'T be regretful of your decision.  It was his actions that brought you to this place.  Just because he wants you to feel sorry for him now doesn't mean you should.  His pouting ways and puppy dog eyes can go to hell.  Where's he put YOU for so long.

Best -

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

November 29, 2017 4:21 pm  #7


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

Kel wrote:

I can't stand how THEY do all this..... shitty stuff, and.......Just because he wants you to feel sorry for him now doesn't mean you should.  His pouting ways and puppy dog eyes can go to hell.  Where's he put YOU for so long....Best -Kel

Intense & inspiring post Kel  *warm hugs*


KIA KAHA                       
 

December 2, 2017 2:29 pm  #8


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

Update: 
I decided I am NOT safe in this relationship and a peaceful, supportive, agree-to-disagree parting will not be had. Last night he hurt me more emotionally - gas lighting - than physical. I reacted very badly to his complete denial of a sexual encounter he previously admitted to pieces at a time during his "trauma therapy" that ended 2 weeks ago (24 weekly sessions). He can't keep track of his lies. So he probably IS telling the truth when he's saying he never did or said something bcz it's all lies. But when he denied it 100% last night, I allowed myself to be gas lighted and I lost it and took it out on myself. I pulled my hair & punched my head in utter desperation bcz I couldn't hit him and I was blaming myself for being in denial for too long and putting up with him. He tried to stop me and grabbed me & held my wrists several times. He was gritting his teeth and squeezing too hard, all in the name of "protecting me from myself" - ya right! It was his opportunity to use power over & physical aggression yet blame me for it. He was not being empathetic & kind telling me please not to hurt myself. He was angry and twisting my arms, restraining me. I told him he was hurting my wrists and screamed for him to let me go. I head butted him bcz he wouldn't let me go. I have an egg on my head. I completely lost it but I was only hurting myself, not him. Yes, it was bad & it needed to stop but my reaction is not the freakin elephant in the room. I left the house bcz I feared my rage would cause me to do something more I'd regret. He was threatening to call the police on ME!

More gas lighting he changed his story as soon as my son came in the room to see what was going on. I locked myself in the bathroom and called my daughter. Told her if I wasn't at her house in 30 minutes to call the Police. After I took a shower & came out of the bathroom, he was acting very calm & collected as if to say "Look at her! She's crazy!!" He THEN admitted to the sexual encounter in the most slight of ways "I said I was a little bit attracted" he said directly to me. LIES! He denied the WHOLE thing just a while ago. The only thing he was worried about was his reputation. He was mad I was yelling the detailed lies he told me about that encounter loud enough for neighbors to hear. He cared only about the exposure not about me. He had the NERVE to finally admit a tiny piece AFTER I was GAS LIGHTED & only AFTER my son was in the room. He was very calm and matter of fact. He was acting like the victim. Manipulating SOB!

I drove around the corner & sat & cried. Called my daughter & talked it out. I was talking to my son via text the whole time. He told me that when I was crying and raging in the bathroom that He-devil was pointing out how bad I am. That he didn't know why I was freaking out. He has no idea why I flipped out??? I just lost it for no reason!!! He informed me that He-devil was telling him EVERYTHING! Meaning the whole "I'm bisexual" thing. Coming out to my SON!!! He was denying that to me just minutes ago but yet he acts like he's not in denial to my son!!!! He-devil told him about the cross dresser that I don't believe he didn't have sex with. And, the icing on the cake...wait for it....he told him the reason why the He-devil distanced himself from him (my son) is/was that he didn't "want to do what his step father did" to him. What did his step father do? He raped him from the age of 11 to 16!!! WTF was the purpose of first coming out to my son & then telling him THAT??

I recall the distancing happened after I threatened him with child protective services if he was ever aggressive with my son again. This happened in summer 2016. He grabbed my sons arm (hmm, sound familiar?) by the wrist & was restraining him and he ACTED like he was going to hit him but he was yelling, intimidating, spitting & calling him every name in the book. Just raging. When I saw that look in my son's eyes that he was about to fight back I knew that was bad. I told him if he EVER touched my son again I would call CPS on him and disappear from his sight forever. That was the last time he interacted at all with my son. Meaning he no longer participated in parenting or any decisions whatsoever not that he ever did but he would pretend a lot. He simply deferred all discipline & parenting to me. Refused to even pretend parenting and just sat on the side lines criticizing my lack of parenting skills. My GOD!!!

So I have decided it's over right now. That I and my son are both in danger more than I thought. Perhaps this is all just manipulative talk but I can't take that chance with myself OR my son anymore. I can go to a shelter but I would lose my job, my life line at the moment. I have some referrals bcz I already reported to the trauma center I go to that he was doing "reportable" things again and trying to blame me, call the cops on me & such. They advised that I take the housing referrals option so I can keep my job but of course, safety first. If I need a shelter, I may have to sacrifice my job. My job provides my only means of transportation also. So it truly is my lifeline right now. I can absolutely stay with my daughter. The trauma center told me to record every incident and then what I did to keep my son safe. I may have to show it to a case worker or judge. I realize I should've forced my son to come with me and they can charge me with neglect for that. I'm sure he-devil would love to capitalize on that shit. I tried to get him to come with me but he refused. I was going to his sister's and he hates his sister right now. Oh yeah, there's another can of worms. My daughter just left a similar long-term relationship. Her children WERE removed by cps bcz she was allowing her meth'ed out husb watch her two little girls. That is neglect & child endangerment. So she is waiting for me to do the same so life can continue. She admitted she is having a hard time getting close to her brother bcz she thinks I will leave with the he-devil (back home, that is, the state we just came from). She has to stay distant bcz this situation hurts her so. She admitted that was wrong of her & that she will try to be more sensitive to his needs. It is so F'ing complicated & HARD to deal with. Everything!

I decided I AM leaving so I will follow up on those referrals right now after I press send on this post. My son WILL NEVER BE ALONE WITH THAT SOB EVER AGAIN!!!! If I report it he will play dirty bcz he says he will and he will report me too even if he has to make it up. He keeps threatening to call the cops on ME!!! He keeps saying that I am the one who is abusive. He knows that the charge of domestic violence was his doing (mine bc I stay) but that the neglect is really on me. Neglect is staying here & exposing my son to this for one more SECOND. It's best for me to just get away from the psycho. I hear you UNIVERSE. I hear you GOD screaming at me to care about myself and stop this abuse. I HEAR. Ears, eyes, and broken heart open and willing to WAKE UP. Take back my life that I lost underneath my own nose. Just like OCJamie, I'm done. Just done.

Please, please be gentle with your replies. I KNOW the danger. I don't need to be reminded of the horror I am experiencing. But thank God for every single one of you. Much love to all & to myself, evnetually.

Last edited by SelfCompassion (December 2, 2017 2:30 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

December 2, 2017 5:23 pm  #9


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

Dear Lord.  How awful.  I’m so sorry.  Get your son and run.  Do whatever you need to do.  Get out of this violent situation before it gets worse.  Let us know how you are.

Hugs

 

December 2, 2017 7:58 pm  #10


Re: Letting it all out - grateful for support

Self Compassion. Im so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sending you love, and positive vibes. Please know we are all here to support you. Hugs to you.

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum