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November 28, 2017 10:02 pm  #1

Finding the courage

Hi everyone. I am glad that I found this support group. I only have read a few posts so far but I have to say I am thankful that something like this exists. I am going through a pretty hard time right now. I know this forum is is/she gay? But in my heart I think I already know. I just need to vent and get some advice on my situation because I feel like there aren’t many people in my life I can talk to this about. I will share my story.  Let me start off by saying I have only been married to my husband since the end of June. I have only known him for about 2 years. When I met him two years ago I was moving back to my hometown and was coming out of a relationship where my boyfriend didn’t want to settle down, he was the exact opposite. We met on an online dating site, talked for a couple months almost every day until we finally met. He was amazing... so handsome, polite, interesting. And he was ready for all of the same things I was in life, marriage, children, buying a home. It was too good to be true. We made plans for our future right away and in under a year we moved in together.

During this time he worked a lot and when I did get to see him I was happy but I always felt a little off. I never felt like I did with other men but at the time I thought it was refreshing! I was like wow a man that doesn’t just want to sleep with me right away.. but soon this positive thought turned into anxiety as  months passed with no deep kissing no sexual talk. I’d bring things up and he’d always have an excuse of being stressed or busy. This leads to the other catch. He is not from the U.S. he was here going to school. He was always stressing about figuring out how to pay for school and extending his time here and figuring out our situation. I never felt like he was just using me to become a citizen though. He became extremely close with my family and I fell in love with the idea of a life together with him. Time passes and we finally started doing things in the bedroom. He finally opened up to me that he wasn’t very experienced and has low self esteem. I was so understanding and gave it time. He never could keep an erection and at first was shy about even pleasing me. Fast forward to current day: he still can’t keep an erection although we have had small doses of success and he enjoys pleasing me now but it still doesn’t feel right.

After living together we came to a tough spot where his visa had to be renewed, either he went back to school full time and couldn’t work or his visa would expire. Financially.l we were tight and I knew him not working wasn’t an option. Mind you our sex life was pretty non existent but he was my best friend and my family loved him. We had already talked about how we’d marry each other someday but when we got into this rough spot I brought it up and said let’s just get married. He was so happy and during this we still struggled but he continued to blame his issues in the bedroom due to being so stressed and being in a dark place with the struggles he had with his international situation. He assured me over and over once we were married life would change because he wouldn’t be so stressed. We made plans to elope, even told my family.

A few weeks before we were set to elope I was on my computer and he had left his email up. I started vaguely looking and couldn’t believe what I saw. Just days ago he had been emailing with men on Craigslist looking for casual encounters. I was devastated. We canceled the elopement. I left for a few days and I told him what I found. He cried and said he loved me so much and that he was just confused and didn’t actually act on anything. I tried leaving him but I missed him so much. I went back home with plans to pack up but he cried and begged and told me how I am who he wants to be with and this is all he wants. I found some type of strength in me to say you know what I’m going to give you a chance and if this is truly what you say you want who am I to judge you.. I said we can work through it it’s going to be tough and I’m going to need you to be patient.. because he would always get annoyed when I brought it up. I said we had to go to counseling which we did a couple times but never even got to talking about these issues.time passed and I tried focusing on the positive, he changed a lot too in our every day lives. We got to the point again where we had to made a decision about marriage or what we were going to do because his visa was expiring soon. I took a leap of faith and we eloped but this time we didn’t tell anyone I was too ashamed of just canceling it months before and didn’t want to deal with everyone’s opinion again. We have plans to tell my family and friends once he can afford to buy the ring which was supposed to be this month.

A few weeks ago I was on his tablet and decided to take a loook at this email that he was connected to that account. There were a few gay hookup sites he had signed up for in 2016(right before we moved in with each other) he denies them and says he doesn’t know why they are in his email but I literally clicked the link and saw his profile he had set up: I get this was form the past but now I am even more confused because I thought he was just confused that one time. Not to mention other things started coming to mind like these “extend” pills I found in his bag once.. he surely wasn’t using those with me. Also one time I saw he was looking and two obvious gay guys facebooks.

Everything is just so overwhelming. I feel bad because I made a decision this summer to marry him but now I feel like this is a lot more than he claims. I have had talks with him and I said am I who you want, will I be able to please you will you be satisfied with me? He says yes. Part of me actually believes him but part of me knows years from now he might change his mind. He comes from a very religious family where this would never be accepted. I think he just hasn’t come to acceptance. I know in my heart I can never trust him.. I just have had a change of heart now that I have found the additional evidence. I have been going crazy even if he goes out with a friend or is on his phone. It’s not healthy for either of us. I just am so hurt and sad because I truly love him and know we’d have a good life together. But it isn’t right and I know it’s not. We don’t have any sexual energy between us. I thought things could change but I am quickly realizing I don’t think I am cut out for this.

Last edited by Evergreen (November 28, 2017 10:45 pm)


November 28, 2017 10:57 pm  #2

Re: Finding the courage

Hello Evergreen,

I am sorry you find yourself here too,you are not alone...

Your thinking process is correct"this is not right" and staying married to him will devastate you even more.
I wish I could go back to that time when I found out that my GHIDDS had a profile on Craigslist.
When I confronted him, he did the same as your husband did: denied anything serious, besides his curiosity and being lost that he was not sure what he was doing, but loves me very much and wants to be with me. I wanted to believe him. I knew him for years since high school and it seemed to be right right to forgive him and move on. He was my friend, father of my kids. But I had never forgot and never could trust him fully  again.
Years passed and I wish I had never met this guy and trusted his ugly lies. But it is too late for me, so...
Please seperate from him. If he sees other people, the same gender, he has a different sexual orientation and that will never change, but worsen. Seeing other people, flirting, having sex with them is a betrayal.
Do not expand your family with him, becasuse later it is going to be more difficult as a lot of us here have kids and that is the biggest tragedy, our kids to suffer, because of the broken family and confusion, emotional rollercoaster  all along. You already suffer, imagine having kids!
He used you. You were his cover and a way to get papers through the marrriage in my oopinion.
This is just a beginning of your life together and he already has big secrets. 
Let him go. Forget about his charm. You do not want to grow miserable, not sure if you fullfill his desires. You deserve better than this, someone fully committed to you and loving you the way man loves his women.
Good luck to you.

Last edited by Lena (November 28, 2017 11:36 pm)


November 29, 2017 7:30 am  #3

Re: Finding the courage

I only have a few minutes this morning but my quick suggestion is that you consult an attorney immediate to find out about divorce laws where you live and how quickly you can get out of this marriage. Make sure you preserve evidence of his double life so that to use if there is a need to show later that the marriage was not entered into by you as a sham. As for him and his immigration status, not your problem.

Just get out ASAP and move on with your life.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

November 29, 2017 10:06 am  #4

Re: Finding the courage

Hi Evergreen.  

Thanks for signing up and sharing your story.  I hope just the act of writing it down was good therapy for you and makes you feel better.  I hope the group here can offer you some good advice and help you along your path. 

I don't think we need to tell you that he's gay.  I think you already know this.  Usually your intuition is correct and based on your description of his lack of performance and interest in sex with you, coupled with the evidence you've found about his wanting to hookup with men, it's pretty clear that he has a same-sex-attraction. 

I think it's very natural for us to hold out hope that our spouse will change.  But the overwhelming experience of the straight spouses on this forum is that a person with a same-sex-attraction cannot change by choice.  It's hard-wired into them.  They try to deny it, contain it, pretend it doesn't exist, but despite their best efforts they simply can't change how they are wired.  

So you are faced with a decision.  Do you want to maintain your marriage with a gay man?  Can you both communicate openly and honestly?  Can you set boundaries and maintain trust?  Do you love each other enough to overcome sexual urges?  Some people find success in an mixed-orientation-marriage.  Some people even give up the expectation of monogamy and have a fully open marriage.   But these are difficult expectations and involve a change in how we view our marriage and our future.  The decision is yours to make.   We will support you in your decision making. 

If there is a bright side to all of this, it's that you are young and you don't have kids.  Most of our group gave 15 to 30 or more years of our lives to our closet homosexual spouses.  I'm sure that doesn't make you feel much better.. but just remember that you have a full life ahead of you and you get to chose how you want to live it. 

Stick around.. we are here for you!

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


November 29, 2017 12:24 pm  #5

Re: Finding the courage


One of the themes I see running throughout your story is "Is it me that you want?"  I see why you're doing that, but you're asking the wrong question.  How about asking yourSELF if HE is who YOU want.  I know your initial reaction is "Yes!  I've wanted him all along!"  Understood.  But..... NOW that you know that he's been deceiving you and going behind your back, and repeatedly doing so even after you caught him and he promised to change, is THIS what you want out of a marriage?  Because let me tell you - if this is what you're STARTING OUT your marriage with, it's got plenty of room to spiral out of control over the years.  He has literally been showing you since before you were married that he's into men.  Of course,.... it's confusing because his words tell you that he loves you.  And after all, why would he tell you that he loves you and wants to be with you if he really doesn't?  I don't know - but it happens all.the.time.  They're just scared of being gay, so they hide it by being married to a woman.  Yours gets a double-whammy out of it because he then doesn't need to worry bout the visa thing, either.  PLENTY of reason for him to fake this thing.

Now, I know you're saying to yourself, "But I never got the feeling that he was using me."  Okay, you didn't have the feeling.  But now you have the proof.  It doesn't make him evil, or unlikable.  But he IS using you - as clear as day.  At least to appear straight.  Maybe he's completely gay and just wants a good friend who can offer him a visa, too.  It doesn't really matter WHY he's doing it - there is proof that he's actively seeking other men for sex.

If you had a best girlfriend who told you that her man was doing this, and then said, "But he SAYS he loves me and wants me, and I DO love him.", what would you think?  You'd think, "RUN!"  And that's exactly my advice - run.  Run like your hair's on fire.  You will eventually get over missing him.  It's too bad that he was so able to delude your entire family along with you.  But that has ZERO to do with the fact that this is very beginning of your marriage and the writing's already on the wall.  Walk away and start over elsewhere.  You will be sorry later if you don't - I can promise you that.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

November 29, 2017 1:18 pm  #6

Re: Finding the courage

I really can’t find words to thank you guys enough. I think I really just needed to hear what I’ve been trying to make sense of in my head said out loud by someone else. It’s so hard because I have told a couple people in my life bits and pieces but find it hard to lay everything on the line. Thankfully we don’t own a home or really anything that we shouldn’t be able to agree on mutually in the divorce. Last night I told him how I felt, of course he shut down and still wouldn’t admit to any type of SSA. He still denies he has ever done anything physically with a man. Which may be true but I just pray for him that he finds strength to be who he really is someday and not continue to hurt others or himself by fighting this.

But I will stick to my instinct and with the help of you guys I know what I need to do. I have all the paperwork ready and we are talking tonight about next steps. I am trying to stay civil and he has agreed to do the same (time will tell). I know I will be fine and I have to say I am thankful I found the strength to end this before I invested more years and emotions. Life is so hard sometimes and I’m not sure all of your personal stories since I am new to this but I commend you for remaining beautiful people after going through your own Situation.

Again I truly can’t thank you enough. I know I have a journey of healing ahead of me but I am ready to take on whatever life throws at me next!! Maybe this time I will actually LISTEN to my instincts and trust myself right away

     Thread Starter

November 30, 2017 12:30 pm  #7

Re: Finding the courage

Sometimes we need to take the personalities and the love out of the equation and look at the facts.  I am always stupefied when I watch the show "Cheaters" and see an individual have their cheating spouse's actions revealed to them, and then they take them back, because they "love them".  So???  I mean really - if you had a younger sister or a good friend or a relative who told you about all the horrible things that her boyfriend was doing, but then justified all of it by saying that they loved each other, and that's all that matters, you'd tell them that they're crazy.  That no, it's NOT all that matters.  That how someone treats you is MUCH more important than what they say.  And that all the ways that someone mistreats them aren't isolated incidents - they are the very essence of the other person's character.  And that you cannot and should not choose a person of low character to tie yourself to for life.  It's not that they're not worthy of love.  It's that you are your own best advocate - and that you shouldn't stand for bullshit in a relationship once you know it's there.  That it means you love the other person more than yourself.  And so do they - they love themself more than they love you, too.  And that ain't good.  Marriage is difficult even under the best circumstances with a person that is wondeful to you.  Life can suck sometimes.  But you two are a team - and your issues should stem from outside the relationship - so you can fight them together as a team.  When issues are being created within the relationship, that's dangerous.  And when those issues are insurmountable, that's deadly to the marriage.  It's literally a lost cause.  Fighting beyond that point is unwise - it means that you're putting fantasy (hopes, dreams) above reality.  It means that you're more committed to a pipe dream or appearances than you are to your own health and sanity.  And you should never feel guilty for leaving for your own health and sanity.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  To stay means choosing a life of pain and futility.  Just so you can appear to have done the right thing to others - to him or your family/friends/society.  Fuck that static.  The older you are, the more you realize that's no way to live.  That it will never bring you happiness.  And that when you are TRULY happy, your friends/family/society will be happy for you.



Last edited by Kel (November 30, 2017 12:34 pm)

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

November 30, 2017 9:12 pm  #8

Re: Finding the courage

You are so right. As I’ve continued to read so many posts on this forum I find myself feeling so much comfort. You guys.. I am an extremely emotional and caring person. To say this situation has tore me apart is an understatement but I’m doing my best to get through the hard part. For me the hard part was finding the courage to actually file for divorce and separate from him. Still this week as we are living together and if I see him it’s like I just melt and want to say screw it I love you!

But I know that’s not the decision I need to make. I think back to March when I initially found the first hard evidence. I am still finding my spirituality and exploring my religious beliefs.. but I remember praying to God not long before the evidence was literally left before my eyes... I prayed Please God show me something! I couldn’t figure it out on my own  I was so confused and going through such a stressful time. He always kept his phone so private .. it’s funny even after we made up after finding his Craigslist emails he told me oh I will be so open with you if you take me back you’ll have all my passwords this and that. Not long after I took him back he disabled his phone from getting ANY notifications!!  But back to the God situation I still remember that moment of pure devastation but really all I could do in that moment was cry and thank GOD! he was such a private person and for him to leave his email signed in on my computer would never happen. I fell back into the trap but now I am ALMOST Done for good.

If I never found this support group I’m not sure I ever would have ended it. My heart aches for you guys who went through this for years, and reading all of your stories I felt the pain in my heart for each one of you.. but it fueled my decision to end it.  It is absolutely crazy how so many things I read are exact things I have gone through.

He closed his eyes and I could even feel him going to another place during our intimate times together, he often had to touch himself and one other odd thing is he really enjoyed nipple stimulation.. idk if that’s common for straight men but I had never encountered that before. The times that he kept the longest erection was also when I was flipped over, even then he never could last. He even went to the doctor once and claimed he talked to the doctor about being depressed and having a low sex drive, he was prescribed some medication to help with that. Even when he was on that things didn’t change much. I guess what hurts sometimes is I saw him TRYING. He put effort in to make things better he really did. After we got married he promised he would never hurt me like that again because he saw how it tore me apart. He said he’d never give up on us. And here I am 4 months later.. “giving” up on him.

But at the end of the day all I want out of a partner is honestly and no matter how he tried he would always fail me because every day he lives being dishonest with himself. Now that we’ve both agreed to divorce last Night he was making comments about how his next relationship will be wonderful. Like ok.. that’s great and all but what’re you trying to prove to me here? He also says how he would fight until the end for our marriage.. and all he thinks about are the vows he made to me. I can say after we actually got married he hasn’t done anything that I have FOUND, but our sex life hasn’t improved much, I still don’t feel any real desires from him, and yes I found OLD emails from last year about hook up sites but it was before we got married.

I just can’t do it though. I instantly cry the moment I leave work and typically all night off and on. In life you think about growing up and getting married someday and think hypothetically would you ever stay with a man that’s cheats on you and this and that.. never do you prepare yourself for well what happens when your man is seeking another man DISCREETLY on Craigslist? That situation just never crossed my mind and I think that cuts the deepest because I Just was never prepared for that.

Side note I do want to mention another sign I had is a few times he got so extremely angry to the point that he held me by the collar of my shirt and was all in my face and also once he punched a hole in our bedroom door.. these were all times when I tried asking if he was gay or interested in men (before I found hard evidence)

Hope you are all having a good night...may your hearts find peace- I know that’s the journey that I am on.

     Thread Starter

December 1, 2017 1:00 am  #9

Re: Finding the courage

Dear Evergreen

I feel for you and will be praying for you. Every emotion that you describe here I felt and I remember how devastating it was.  I think if I had to give up my right hand to spare one person going through this I would have.  Sometimes, this things happen to pull us closer to God as you had experienced.  And we find our strength there to keep going.  Keep well.


December 1, 2017 6:51 am  #10

Re: Finding the courage

You are in the storm now but just remember that you are making the right choice and it will get better. My ex after telling me he was gay and he wanted a divorce dated a woman - after he and the man he thought was the love of his life broke up. Sometimes it helps to tell yourself that "Whatever he is he isn't for me."

And the ex now has been happily dating a man for over a year.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

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