It's not as uncommon as you think. Less guys will post here to talk about it. I'm sorry you found yourself here...
But it's a good place to start because you need support. And you will get it here. 

The 'up and down' can be common when one person is on the fence about their orientation, especially if they think they can make it go away with a little extra effort. Unfortunately it often becomes evident that no amount of effort can stop the inevitable conclusion. Sadly we see new names here pretty much every week. Without knowing more about your situation I would suggest the two of you really need to sit and talk and figure out where you need to go, especially with an autistic child. If they are somewhere in the Asperger's area, change is hard on them so the more preparation they are allowed, the better. Good luck and as Phoenix said, share if you need to, ask questions. Some of us may have already walked this path before you.

CoMC,

It sounds like you need a game plan.  When I think of your scenario as you've described it, it sounds as though what would be instinctual is to circle the wagons and spend days cuddling as a family so that everything will be fine.  But that is counterproductive in the long run.  There are many aspects to separating, the kids being the largest.  It can be difficult to figure out how to help the kids when they're already acting up and your wife is feeling guilty, and you know more change is yet to come.  I don't often recommend counseling to couples, because I feel that most counselors are working on the marriage when I think the sexuality mismatch makes that a lost cause.  But maybe you two can work with a counselor on forging a path forward with the kids.  It might be a great place for you to each voice your concerns and capabilities without getting derailed on her sexuality and the hurt and pain you're both experiencing.  Maybe if you had a dedicated time once every week or two to sit down and work through some of the logistics, you could make decisions together on how to proceed for the next week - what's working, and what's not.

It might be helpful to try to each start going on outings with the kids without the other parent.  Plan these events ahead of time - going to see Christmas windows or lights, going bowling on a Saturday afternoon, heading to the mall to do shopping together, or even going on a bike ride or a nature walk, weather permitting.  It gets you out and away from life a bit - and it gives the kids the opportunity to see that their parents being separate doesn't mean they won't have a good time anyway.  You could just tell the children that "Mom needs some alone time today", or "Dad has plans with a friend", etc.  It will be impossible to function completely separately within the household, but some of the things that my ex and I did after we knew we'd be divorcing (but before he moved out) were that we slept in separate bedrooms, we no longer kissed or hugged hello/goodbye, or said "I love you" to the other when we left/came home.  Those were common things before, and there was never a place where we felt comfortable stopping those things until we drew the line in the sand that we needed to stop in order to not confuse the kids further in the future.

Dinner was always a difficult time, too - because despite the fact that we all needed to be fed, it felt very awkward to have a sit-down dinner like we used to do every single night.  The smallest things can sometimes help - instead of putting all the food on serving platters/bowls and putting them on the table, I instead started putting everything out buffet-style on the kitchen island.  I'm not sure why it helped, but it did.  It gave a sense that we were all living here and could function together without fostering the intimacy of togetherness.

I realize these things may all be very difficult for you in particular due to your autistic son, who likely thrives on routine.  It's going to have to be slow-going and very deliberate for you in order to build some space so you can both start to breathe.  But it can be done.  Additionally, you should both also have your own counseling - so that you have an outlet for your feelings about the marriage ending.  You will need to support each other less then - and can back away a bit from being each other's rock and instead concentrate on how to deal with this individually (as you'll need to in the future) and how to come together on the kids (which you'll also need to continue doing).

I wish you all the best -

Kel

Wow.  Some good advice.  I appreciate it to say the least.  Huge factors. Wife's birthday is dec 25.  Yup.  Sing happy birthday every year on Christmas Day!  My mom loves buying a cake.  My mom has taken us to maui.  All paid.  Disney alaskan cruise.  All paid.  Money here and there.  Nice ski vacations.  Lent $165,000 as a down payment on the house here as the old house tries to sell!!!!  Crazy!  They will be heart broken.  But at the same time they need to know.  Wife came home today as the kids and I were putting up lights and dancing.  She did chores for 2 hours straight.  This is so insane.  2 months after moving.  Spent the whole summer falling in love again.  Great.  I may be living in a travel trailer here soon as I sit Ina beautiful log house with kids for the most part settling in to their new lives.  Sucks.

It's likely very awkward right now since you're trying to do life, and she's just doing chores as a way to distract herself.  But that's okay - it means that once she's gone, there will be a sense of relief then - the 500 lb. gorilla in the room will have left.  When I was a young teenager, my much younger sister always wanted to ride on my shoulders when we were out walking a ton somewhere - like a theme park.  I would walk waaaaaay too far with that big kid on my shoulders.  One time, my mom asked me why I was willing to carry my sister so much further than even our father ever would.  I said, "Because it feels Sooooooo good when she finally gets down".  That's how this is going to be - the worse you suffer now, the better it's going to be later, when you separate.  So when it's bad, think of it as pushing yourself past the point where your muscles are aching - and how that's going to build you up and offer you so much relief after it's stopped.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (November 29, 2017 11:52 am)