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1 of 1- platypus75
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Bi Husband
Hi All,
I am hoping to get support regarding my bisexual husband. I feel almost ashamed posting to an online forum but I have no one within my family or friends to speak to about this. There has been so much that has happened in the last two years it will be hard to write it all, so I will try not be too detailed. I have been married 21 years to my husband. Before we met, he told me he was bisexual and that his prior relationship to me had been with a man. He also told me that he was faithful and was unable to carry out multiple relationships at once. I believed him implicitly as he was so honest and forthcoming. Fast forward to about 7 years ago after turning age 40. He admitted to an indiscretion at out our home with another man. I was devastated and everything I thought about him just crumbled. Our sex life was dead and we talked about his reasons behind it. He apologized and I forgave him. We went on the same way for the next 6 years, our sex life was dead and a lot of that had to do with me. Two years ago my husband started a relationship with a 28 year old man. I had suspicions but it was confirmed after seeing text messages sent from him to my husband. My husband admitted the affair and refused to give it up. It ended up becoming toxic that resulted in many awful things happening to both my husband and myself. During that time period my husband also admits to sleeping with other men in addition to his "boyfriend". After several breakups, I believe the relationship has now ended but I cannot be sure. My husband has told me over and over that he is done with the whole thing and wants nothing to do with it. However, I catch him online daily on hookup sites. Sometimes it says he wants a boyfriend and other times his profile is just blank. He is literally on it right now. I want to confront him, but I have done that in the past and it always ends up in fights and lies. I just do not know what to do. I don't think he will ever stop this. He has told me that going on these sites serves no purpose and he is through with with it, yet he is still on it. Last week he wanted me to give him permission to have an open marriage and I said I refused. He told me that he would not do anything in the future without my approval but he is online right now. I am writing all this out in the hopes that there is someone out there like me to talk to. I appreciate everyone who reads and responds to this.
- Duped
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Re: Bi Husband
I'm so sorry you're here Platypus but a I hope we can help you.
Nobody deserves to be lied to constantly or to be cheated on. OR to consistently be told that "it's all in the past, I won't do it again" when they are still and will continue to do it. That is mental cruelty.
You have obviously been suffering for a long time, can you find a SSN contact on this site near you? I think you can request someone to call you to talk at least.
Please try and get some time away to get your thoughts in order, he isn't going to change, he's a liar and a cheat, don't let him con you any longer.
Please put yourself first, you can have a much happier life away from this, even if it's a happy single life.
I hope you find some comfort here.
- Kel
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Re: Bi Husband
This is not your fault, Platypus. You thought you had the truth, and you thought you were marrying someone who was devoted to you and by all admissions didn't want (claimed even to be incapable) of having multiple relationships simultaneously. You believed him. That's what people in love who trust their partners do - they believe them.
If doesn't matter what he's saying - it doesn't even matter what he's doing. His patterns are who he really is. And his pattern is to tell you that he'll be faithful and stop this toxic behavior, while at the same time continuing the activity. What's in that for you? That's not a real relationship - that's one-sided, and not to YOUR benefit. Get away from this man if you can. Staying will just give him more and proximity to injure you. And haven't you been injured enough already?
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- platypus75
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Re: Bi Husband
Thank you both for replying. I cannot disagree with what you have both said. The problem is I still love this man. He is my best friend and I have been with him since I was 20 years old. I don't know a life without him. I keep believing him and keep getting let down. I have tried the path of least resistance and all I am doing is feeling angry and ashamed that i have let it go on this long. I keep thinking he will wake up and stop this craziness. He is online right now and I want so badly to expose him! I know that if I do, he will deny and lie then we will fight all night. I don't have the energy to deal with this and I feel like I am slipping away. My days have become filled with obsessive thoughts and the need to spy on him constantly. I honestly don't care about anything else anymore. I feel like half a person. What really is crazy is the intricate lies he tells. For instance, it won't even be on topic and he will bust out with "you know I am not doing anything anymore, you should feel good about that". WHY say anything at all. If you know you are a liar why say anything when you are not even confronted with the subject. I swear he believes his own lies.
Last edited by platypus75 (November 21, 2017 3:50 pm)
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Thread Starter- Duped
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Re: Bi Husband
Feel good about that? That is typical gaslighting, how can you possibly feel good about any of this?? He is telling you to feel good so that you remain confused and in a spin, and hence vulnerable to his lies - you don't know what is real and what's not anymore, and he has made you feel that way deliberately. Is that someone you should love? Does it matter anyway if you love him if he's destroying you? I would say you are traumatically bonded to him (feels like love but more sinister) because of his constant lies, reprieve, repeat.
Most of us have been through the "I still love him/her" stage until we get some distance and read here about how they continue to lie. Read people's stories on here, they are all the same. Then we realise we deserve better than being lied to by someone who is not returning love and commitment in any way. Who wants to love a cheating liar? Not me.
Last edited by Duped (November 21, 2017 4:23 pm)