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August 2, 2016 11:18 am  #1


I don't know what to feel.

Hi everyone.

My partner of 12 years recently ended our relationship on father's day and is now in a lesbian relationship.

Some background on me and us (this may be a bit of a read, put the kettle on!)

I was a chubby kid and was bullied hard by my older sister and at junior school. I could look after myself and was often in trouble for fighting bullies at school. This stopped when I moved to secondary school.

My first love who I got with at 17 (she was 15) I was with until i was 22. We never had penetrative sex but did everything else and the affection level was through the roof, we would spend hours kissing and cuddling, holding hands. We also fought a lot, she wanted to stay in and I wanted us to go out with friends. We split up after 5 years together and it hit me hard. I couldn't even speak to her for about 3 years. We are friends now. She stayed a virgin until she was about 30, and the man she gave her virginity to got her pregnant (they were trying for a baby) and left her.

I spent a few years on my own being the usual young man on the town, drinking, recreational drugs and mostly one night stands and a couple of short flings.

Then met her at 26. We met through a friend who worked with her. She took a shine to me and it was on. We spent the next year and a half having the best times ever. Fun, going out, sex, but there was always something missing I felt, i just couldn't put my finger on it but she told me I was hard to get close to which I found odd as I have always been pretty open with people but I promised to try harder, I had fallen in love with her.

We moved in together and things were OK for a while but then the affection and the closeness withered to nothing. I felt she didn't like me touching her so backed off. (Bear in mind my first love and when told no I respected that)

This went on for a few years, we would only have sex when we were drunk probably once a month, maybe less but there was no cuddling from her, we slept in bed like strangers and it felt like we were drifting apart. We never argued and we spoke about the closeness thing a fair bit and we both promised to try harder but it never really happened.

About 5 years ago it got so bad that I didn't think I could do it anymore, and told her one night, she kind of dismissed it and I backed down as I loved her so much I didn't want it to end and she said the same. We would work at it.

3 months later after another 1 off night we had sex (drunk) she is pregnant.

I was shocked as a. We were not having sex hardly at all and b. She was on the pill so I thought. She then tells me she came off the pill and told me but she didn't.

So now I feel I can't leave even if I wanted to, so I manned up and got my head down and put everything in to make it work.

She pulled further away from me. This is where it gets really messy. This all happens within the next year.

She has the baby and doesn't want me to be there for the birth. Her sister is there with her instead. I really want to be there but respect her wishes and only go in when she wants me later that evening.

Our dog dies from lymph cancer. I'm a wreck for a week. This is the last time I ever really remember her comforting me.

She gets a lump on her thyroid which turns out to be cancer. I am devastated, think we are going to loose her, I prayed for the first time in my life for god to take it off of her and give it to me. She is operated on and it is removed. (She's OK, been given the all clear and all her levels are good today) She doesn't want me to comfort her, doesn't want me to support her or even be near her but still says she loves me more than anything. Our neighbour has had the same cancer and she goes to her to help her through it. We are all good friends so I was glad she had sosomeone to talk to.

Her grandad who she is really close to dies after the onset of dementia. This really affected her and she still wouldn't let me in to help.

I start to spiral into depression and also develop terrible sciatica, I also stop taking care of myself. I was so low. Feeling unloved, unneeded, unwanted. Like im invisible. Have to sleep on the floor downstairs because of my back. Worried that I might have to give up work and then who's going to pay the bills? I need to provide for my family. She shows no empathy or anything for me. This makes me worse.

She strolls in one night drunk, I encouraged her to go out with friends to blow off steam while i babysat, I didn't know what else to do. Then tells me she doesn't love me anymore. I beg her to let me try and make it up. Spend the next 2 months putting in 200% effort while my back gets worse and I can hardly move and more and more depressed. Nothing is good enough, she doesn't (and still doesnt) appreciate anything I do  and she kicks me out.

She really gets into spiritualism, reads cards, healing, seeing people's auras, talking to spirits. Psychic abillitys. To me who isnt that way at all, honestly think she's going a bit crazy.

We split for a year. She goes party crazy, starts a lesbian fling with the neighbour, tinder hookups, 3somes and god knows what else. I beg her back for 6 months and finally admit defeat because she is being really nasty to me and start moving on.


Exactly a year to the day we split, now I've started to heal, get my confidence and self esteem back, lost weight, starting to be me again, she phones. Crying her eyes out. She's made the biggest mistake of her life, wants me back.

We meet up to talk. I've read about grass is greener syndrome and self help books, I don't want to give her another chance after what she put me through but want my little boy to have a normal family. So I tell her that she is going to have to work for it and we lay down boundaries and discuss everything that's happened and was wrong with our relationship over and over again so we are both clear how we can move forward. We decide to start again fresh. And slowly.

And it was good for a few months. And then it all started to happen again. No affection, no closeness, no passion, no sex. I'm working out how to bring this up when I get a call from her saying she thinks we should just be friends. I agree. That's all we were anyway.

She wants to talk to me when I pick my son up and says she wants to work on it and us to be together. I really want that too, I love this girl so we agree to try.


She goes on a spiritual course and while she is away I sence something is horribly wrong. She hardly calls. When she comes back she is more distant than ever and after a week or so of her not improving, on father's day she is really off and I pull her up on it. She tells me she is feeling the way she did before about just being friends, I dont let her finish. IVE had enough now and say fine, I'm off this rollercoaster, pick up my son and leave.

We are being friendly for our son. But I've not spoken to her about us. Nor do I want to. Yesterday I get a text telling me she has been dating a woman and they are now together.

It all makes sense to me now, and I felt OK with the split until that message. Now I feel the whole relationship was a farce. She never loved me like I loved her and I told her this many many times we were together and she reasured me she did. When I think back to everything she said on our numerous heart to hearts when we were working things out was it all lies? I feel cheated, betrayed and stupid because my gut knew all along and I let her talk me round with promises that never came.

Sorry for the mahoosive post, really needed to vent. I've left a lot of other things out that happened over the years, if I remember anything important I will add it on.

My life sucks at the minute.

Last edited by Squirrel (August 2, 2016 11:21 am)

 

August 2, 2016 12:10 pm  #2


Re: I don't know what to feel.

"..But I've not spoken to her about us. Nor do I want to. Yesterday I get a text telling me she has been dating a woman and they are now together. ".

Sorry your here.    You sound like you know enough though  and I think your right to stop the insanity to yourself.

No contact is ideal when dealing with people like this.    But since you have a kid your going to need some sort of legal parenting arrangement.   So you need to start thinking what you want for yourself and kid.  Find a lawyer..  If not married at least you won't  have to pay daily for the privilege to be away from the gay abuser like some of us.

And no, scary as it sounds,  they never loved us like we loved them.  I know my ex-wife loved me but it must never have been fundamental at one's core like l loved her.      All we can do is get away from such broken people.

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 2, 2016 12:43 pm  #3


Re: I don't know what to feel.

Yeah, something died inside me on father's day, I used to always feel her in my heart but not any more.
We've not lived together for a couple of years since we split up for the year and she is good with me letting me see my little boy, and that's never changed but if she starts playing games about that then I will go legal. I hope we can keep it all civil but you just never know do you.
We never got married, it was on the to do list but something inside told me not to do it until she changed how she treated me, which was never going to happen!

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2016 2:28 pm  #4


Re: I don't know what to feel.

I'm sorry that you've gone through so much, Squirrel.  I'm glad you got off the merry-go-round, though.  Until you make the decision that you can't keep doing this to yourself, you're at their mercy.

She may have loved you as a person, as a friend, as the father of her child.  But she never loved you the way you loved her.  And you knew that - even before things got REALLY bad, you knew that she couldn't possibly love you the way you loved her.  What she's done is cruel - I can't even imagine not allowing my child's father to be present for the birth of his own son - especially if I was WITH him at the time!  What the hell is THAT?!?  And her not comforting you through all these difficult times, or letting you comfort her.  I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did.

It gets better.  It really does.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 2, 2016 4:40 pm  #5


Re: I don't know what to feel.

Wow Squirrel - that sounds truly awful.  It's amazing what these people are capable of putting others through. 

I know that it's hard to look at the bright side but if there is one it's that you realized you were done with her insanity and this time you stepped away for good.  Knowing you're never going to get sucked back in is a huge step towards freedom and towards the life you deserve.  Sometimes we just get caught up with the wrong people, even when we know or feel that it's wrong. 

The one question I do have though is how are you handling the custody?  Is it split 50/50?  If not and your ex has your son more, there is a chance she could come back (legally) in the future and ask for back pay.  I'm not sure how all of that works when you weren't married but I just want to make sure you cover all of your bases.  Maybe just consult an attorney to be certain. 

 

August 2, 2016 6:21 pm  #6


Re: I don't know what to feel.

Thank you all for your nice replies. There are obviously some bits I left out but that's the main just of it. And of course you are only getting my side of the story, I'm not saying I was an angel but I never cheated or strayed, she never went short, she got whatever she wanted, I never told her no. A lot of the trouble was I pulled back as she did as it's so hard to give someone your everything when you get the feeling it's not wanted and definitely not returned. It was the lack of affection and physical chemistry that was the worst thing. I so wanted her to give me that so badly and if that has been there everything else would of fallen into place.

I have my boy 5 days 3 nights every 14 days. I pay her £300 a month and pay for swimming, clubs and school clothes and school lunches on top. I pay it into her account so i can prove she's had it. Never missed a payment in 3 years.
In one way I'm glad we were together because  when i see my little boy he makes it all worth it.
Just a shame his mother is a bit unstable.

Sometimes lately I wonder if she's bipolar or borderline or something similar as she seems to be following the same pattern as our last breakup almost to a t. I'm wondering if it's her cycle of depression when we are together and manic now we've split.  I'm not too fond of her at the minute but  I still want her to be OK.

If she ever drops the I made a massive mistake line on me again I'm going to suggest she sees a doctor to get tested. Bipolar is often linked to psychic ability and stress or trauma can trigger it. It would also explain some of her behaviour if she's manic when we are not together like hypersexuality and out of character behaviour and indecisiveness. but I'm no doctor. Just concerned.

When we were good it was good. It wasn't a solid 12 years of hell obviously. But the lows for me were really low and I never want to go back to those again.

Thank you so much for  taking the time to read and reply to me.

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2016 10:44 pm  #7


Re: I don't know what to feel.

" Fun, going out, sex, but there was always something missing I felt, i just couldn't put my finger on it but she told me I was hard to get close to which I found odd as I have always been pretty open with people but I promised to try harder, I had fallen in love with her."

This was EXACTLY my relationship with my gay spouse at the beginning, middle, and end. There was always a missing piece. I told myself he just expressed love through loyalty and steadfastness and so it wasn't ok that he wasn't emotive and was distant. 

Bullshit. I wish I'd known then what I know now, but I was just a kid. And now I will never, never again settle for anything less than a partner who both can't keep his hands off of me and knows how to emote.


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
 

August 3, 2016 1:55 pm  #8


Re: I don't know what to feel.

"..ever again settle for anything less than a partner who both can't keep his hands off of me "..

I hear you Sue,    my lezex was never one to initiate anything.  She enjoyed sex  and its not like she didn't like it ... but I can count on my fingers the times she initiated.  

I feel naive and stupid now...but  normal hugs and  hand holding were initiated ..  I did not think it a problem at the time.   I'm sure the forum here is filled with gay spouses that did initiate sex often... 
Still looking back there it is..the only little thing  I could find that was "off".    Something that,  looking back,  probably isn't normal.

No,  I would definitely not settle for something like this in the future....I'd rather remain alone.     
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 5, 2016 1:31 pm  #9


Re: I don't know what to feel.

My husband of 13 years and I recently divorced. Our marriage was horrifying. He came out as transgender to me 4 years ago. At first, I did not know how to react. I tried to understand and be supportive. He went to work for a LGBT chapter at a local university. Through LGBT, I went to panels, events, luncheons, seminars, etc. in an attempt to understand. I thought perhaps with enough understanding I could accept and possibly continue our marriage. This was not the case. He wobbled between accepting his identity as transgender and continuing to live as husband and father. He was angry, violent, resentful towards the children and I. He was crude and vulgar to our mutual friends. He would go on dates with other men, invite other men into our home while I was at work. I am an attractive woman; but I was not sexually attractive to him. He shamed my femininity while attempting to embrace and embark upon his own. I dreaded sexual encounters with him because they made me feel cheap and used. I am angry he wasted my time. I am angry he chose not to be honest. I would never have married a man that wanted to be a woman, and live his life as a woman. I would never have chosen to have children with a man that wanted to live his life as a woman. Ever. Never, ever, would I have chosen this.

I tell you these things because I empathize with your hurt, disbelief, and soul searching. Words cannot even attempt to convey the pain or isolation you have felt. I hope this gets better for you.

 

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