Hi carpfam,

I will preface this by saying I am not a religious person but plenty here are so they will be along shortly I expect.

Basically you say my wife is lesbian, I found this out two years ago, she told me.  We were young when we got married and now have children.  She is my best friend and confidante.  I am fine with all of this.  I accept and love her no different.

She fits everything I look for in a spouse.

On the other side of the fence we hear you say she rejects my touch, we aren't having sex, there's a giant wall between us and she says she doesn't feel safe round me.  

And you say how you are feeling about it all - like you've been hit by a ton of bricks!   Angry rejected worthless in so much pain and heartache.  Does this sound like you are feeling fine to you?  No of course not, and we can all relate, having had the same feelings ourselves. 

She can't stop being a lesbian.  She can't help feeling she doesn't want your touch any more than you can help feeling angry and rejected.  It isn't right.  You're not rejecting her but she is rejecting you, and she knew why all along - tho to be fair she would not have known how much it was going to hurt you.  

My observation is that it gets more painful, not easier with time.

all the best. hope this helps, Lily

yes I think I understand - she doesn't mind you touching her, she just doesn't want that to cause confusion as to you thinking that means she wants to get intimate with you - is that right?

The pain is understandable but don't let yourself feel worthless. We all have worth. Part of yours is being a dad and in the role you shall soon take with your future parishioners. Perhaps the first question is do you both want to stay together and both make the accommodations that will be necessary to maintain a healthy relationship? It is not good if either of you feels trapped. There's much here to think about. I would seek some additional wisdom from trusted advisors, lots of reflection on what you both need to have a happy and joyful relationship and always some honest communication with your spouse.

Daryl let me say this I have a general low self worth. One of the things I constently feel is unloved or unworthy. For me I am just now learning that I am okay to love myself. I put and find my love in her which make this even harder. I want to stay married and I think she does too...and I know that if divorce is where we are headed I have to be okay with that too and I am beginning to get there. It feels good to just have a voice and be heard thank you for all the comments, understanding and support.

That's so true Lily, great post.