OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Where to go from here.

Jaygee · November 7, 2017 3:17 pm

I have been married to my husband for almost 24 years. We have three children. I have suspected over the years that he is gay. I'm sure if you're reading this I don't need to list the clues that were there. However, suspecting and knowing are two different things. We have not had sex in a couple years and although we share a house we haven't shared a life or home in many many years. And like I said, although I have suspected and in hindsite it all makes sense, I'm devastated and heartbroken. And mad. So so mad. I had expressed to close friends that I thought he may be but I'm not sure that I was completely convinced. Or maybe hoping. Last weekend I had friends over and he came home and joined us (which he normally wouldn't do) and then proceeds to reveal that he's gay. I changed the subject and pushed through. I haven't discussed this with him. Haven't addressed it at all. I don't know how to or what to say. But the emotions have been endless and changing so fast from one moment to the next. I can't believe the anger sometimes. The sadness. The everything. And perhaps I should be more sensitive to his feelings and struggles but right now all I can think is that he's stolen 24 years of my life that ill never get back. I'm having a hard time seeing past my own self right now and I know that it's selfish. I don't think I've cried this much in my life. And I don't know where to go from here or how to handle this or anything else. I feel lost is the best way to describe it. And then I get mad that he drops this bombshell and doesn't have the decency to bring it up for discussion. That he's going to make me do it. Do I wait till after Christmas at this point? Or is that just putting it off? And I guess I feel that to bring it up means that I should have some solution... I'm not sure what is my responsibility or obligation here. This is a new situation for me. Any advice would be appreciated.

lily · November 7, 2017 5:33 pm

Hi Jaygee,

The fact that he is revealing it to you before friends makes me think he might already have a plan of what comes next.

so my suggestion is don't wait to process, start building a support team - a friend or family member you can confide in, a doctor's visit to check your health - take whatever steps you feel you need to.

it's very shocking, look after yourself, Lily

OutofHisCloset · November 7, 2017 5:50 pm

Your husband might have dropped the bombshell as he did, in the presence of others, because it was "safe" for him to do so. He might have decided an audience would preclude any kind of difficult and painful follow up discussion, because he knew you would be shocked and embarrassed in front of your friends. Why do I say this? Because in a way, his avoiding the responsibility of having a real conversation would be right in keeping with his hiding his sexuality from you (and maybe from himself, depending on what he was able to explain, accept, and admit about himself) for 24 years. (It is, of course, possible that he'd steeled himself for the conversation and needed to say what he did, so he did, even if your friends were there.)
If he said what he did in front of your friends to avoid a conversation (and as he's made no attempt to follow up I think this is a safe assumption), I don't think he will now be the one to initiate a conversation, and no, it's not fair that he's pushed this burden onto you, but again, it's in keeping with past behavior. Because isn't that what he's done and been willing to do all along? Push onto you the burden of his sexuality so he doesn't have to confront it?
   So you have to decide whether waiting until the holidays are over is what you want to do. Do you want to spend the holidays with his burden on your back and with this tension in the air? Do you think that if you wait you will be sending him the message that you're going to ignore what he said and that ignoring it is ok, even now that it's out in the open? Are there tradeoffs with parents and other family that you think are worth making, even though it will cost you (might as well face the fact that your holiday is ruined whichever way you go: wait or confront now).

I would say that your obligation and responsibility here is to yourself, first, and to your kids, second. You have no responsibility or duty with respect to him. Now that you know, what do you want to do? You're not going to get back those 24 years. How soon do you want to be free to live the rest of your life? I hesitate to give advice, because it's easier to give than to implement, but I think you should go and visit a lawyer and start to find out what you financial options are going to be in any settlement. If you're not ready to declare "I want a divorce" remember that visiting a lawyer doesn't have to be seen as a "definitely I'm divorcing him" moment. It can also be a self protective move for you and your children, in case he's told you because he wants to act more openly on his now admitted desire, or in case he's already found a partner and wants to end the marriage.
   I'd also think about telling the kids yourself, with the truth, before it leaks out from what your friends heard, and before he tells them a self serving version of the story.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 7, 2017 5:53 pm)

phoenix · November 8, 2017 9:10 am

Welcome Jaygee!

Like the others have said, I'm shocked that your husband made that admittance during a dinner party rather than talking to you about it first. I'd be outraged, just like you are.

I wonder what his plan is.. Is he hoping you will be the one to ask for divorce so that he can put the blame on you? Is he hoping that by mentioning it at a time when you couldn't talk further that perhaps you'll pretend it never happened, but he can clear his conscious by saying that he did tell you once and he hasn't really been lying?

Anyway.. You asked where to go from here: I think you first need to decide what you want for your life. Many of us still wish to continue our marriage. We hope that we can find a way to manage our spouse's same sex attraction and still maintain the rest of our relationship and family and lifestyle. I think most of us start out with that intention, but that's a tough road. We will support you if you decide to go that route. On the other hand, if you decide that being in a marriage with a gay man is not what you want for your life, then you need to start planning to separate and move forward with your life.

Some bits of advice I'd like to share:

-Please don't consider yourself to be selfish. Your husband is the selfish one.

-Please don't be ashamed of your emotions. This is one of the biggest bombshells that can possibly go off in a person's life. You are in shock right now. We all handle stress differently of course.. but you need to konw that it is ok to not be ok. You are allowed to be in pain, to show your emotion, to take care of yourself and be less productive while you process this situation and start to deal with the impacts on your life. Personally.. I was a mess for a few weeks.. I had to take disability from work for acute depression. I continued to struggle for at least 6 months as I got through the changes in life and started to heal from the betrayal and hurt my ex put me through.

-Be kind to yourself. Don't add extra stress to your life. You don't have to figure out everything in your future today. For the next couple weeks just take care of yourself and take some small steps forward when you are ready. Build some strength and adjust to your situation and then you can think about what to do next. There are no deadlines for making decisions or taking actions.

-You should see a Dr. and get tested for STD's. I know it's a horrible thing to think about, but based on the experiences of a majority of the people on this forum, our spouses very often cheated on us even though we never imagined they would do that. It's best to be safe in this area.

- Build a support network.. whether you chose to work on your marriage or to separate and divorce, you will need support. This group is a good start. We also have face-to-face SSN groups in most major cities. I would strongly advice you find some close family/friends who you can share this with. It's so important to have another person to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Since his secret isn't exactly a secret anymore, based on his own choice to tell.. You definitely don't owe him secrecy. That doesn't mean you out him in a malicious manner.. but you are welcome to tell some close friends or family members who you will depend on for support.

- Finding a therapist is a great idea. Having a professional help you process your thoughts and emotions is really helpful.

- When you are ready, start educating yourself. Find a marriage councilor the help you both communicate.. whether it's to provide closure in your marriage or to help you rebuild and continue your marriage. Start researching divorce laws and meet with attorneys to get an education.. if you think divorce is likely. Your husband has had years to process and plan out his life... you are just finding out. So you are way behind in this. I wouldn't open up dialogue with him about the future until you've had a chance to decide what you want in your future and start planning how you want to get there.

Keep sharing and reading here.. we are here for you!

Jaygee · November 8, 2017 1:17 pm

It was eating at me, so last night I decided to have the conversation with him. And it couldn't have gone worse. His first reply was "do you believe everything your friends say?" Which immediately threw me off course. "My friends didn't say anything. You said it without hesitation, or even an I may be". Then he got mad. He never denied nor admitted. Just angry and telling me I was always looking for the worst in him. And that I've known him for 24 years and did I really think this. He clearly remembers saying it. And refused to answer any questions. An std isn't even a question. We haven't had sex in a couple years at least. Don't even share a bed anymore. He was more concerned I was going to make him move out. I told him that I had no intentions of that at this time. I have nobody else in my life nor am I looking. We don't fight and rarely talk actually. I told him I was good with the current situation for now. Basically he keeps doing him and I keep doing me. We have children and should something change on a personal level for one of us then we revisit. He went to bed mad with nothing really worked out. I have an appt with a therapist next week. I feel more confused and lost now than I did yesterday I think. This is just a mess. I don't understand at all.

Scrupulous · November 9, 2017 11:08 pm

You are not selfish. However this is the perfect time and you have every right to do so even if you think you are being that way. Almost anything goes when it comes to getting down to the core of the rotten apple...It takes alot of work to salvage something that eventually you'll end up tossing. Stay strong and remember the selfish person here is not you but the man that stole a big part of your life. It was very smart of you to open up to others close to with this info. In so many ways it provides a protective wall for you as a reminder you can't climb back over. Why on earth are we to think that we need to protect the closet of those that hurt us? So much is avoiding the embarrassment or shame that it brings on the offender.... but where was the embarassment or shame when they are in the act of hurting us repeatedly even when we call them on it?
So keep moving forward. Be thankful he was a last open about it...(since he prob knew he was already outed) and stay strong. You have a lot of support. TONS actually compared to the support of the asshole that hurt you.
Forgive my lang but I'm angry with and for you.

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November 7, 2017 3:17 pm #1

Where to go from here.

November 7, 2017 5:33 pm #2

Re: Where to go from here.

November 7, 2017 5:50 pm #3

Re: Where to go from here.

November 8, 2017 9:10 am #4

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November 8, 2017 1:17 pm #5

Re: Where to go from here.

November 9, 2017 11:08 pm #6

Re: Where to go from here.

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