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November 6, 2017 10:15 am  #1


Letter to my ex

I am writing this to you instead of sitting down in person because the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you or embarrass you.

I want you to know I listen and watch everything you say to me. I see so much more than you realize. You are not very discreet, which makes me wonder if you wanted me to see. First time it happened we were in JC Penny and you were pulling up something to show me on your phone, and there it was, Craigslist t4m staring me back in the face with someone’s ass in the air. You had just been bragging to me that you hadn’t even watched porn and had left your laptop in your truck. I let it go because I knew of your fascination with looking at the pictures…you previously said that you went on these sites because it was visual like porn, and that I didn’t have anything to worry about, and I believed you, and I accepted that. At our last sit down, I told you I would not stand for the drugs, drinking all day, and the porn, and you agreed and said you would do whatever it takes for us to work. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and that there was no one else, and we were exclusive. You told me you were an open book. Again, I believed you.

Next time you slipped up you were sitting next to me, pulling up an email to show me and there it was…the headline read “Craigslist Re: Massage therapist here for your service- m4m”. I paused and thought to myself there is no way that he would reach out to someone on Craigslist and put myself and himself in danger.

I did something that I swore to myself I would never ever do again, and that is violate your privacy and trust. Sadly, I broke down and looked at your emails on your work phone to confirm what I saw. There it was in black and white. Your email to another man about wanting to give him oral and another email reaching out to a transgender woman telling her you didn’t mind giving her the donation aka “roses” which apparently you already knew what that lingo meant and asking her lots of personal questions. I have the pictures of both conversations, so please do not try to deny it.

I confirmed my suspicions and I decided to wait before confronting you about it so that I could digest what I saw and my actions in all of this. I have tried to understand why you would’ve done something like this.

Is he stressed? Is he bi? Is he gay? Is it the thrill? Did he truly act upon it? Is he addicted to porn?

I am at a loss here. I don’t know what to say. I am numbed by all of this. All I ever wanted was to love you and make you happy. I wanted to be your best friend. I wanted you to see how great life could be with a woman who loves you so deeply, and does not judge you. All I have ever wanted was for you to open up to me, let me in, and let me help you. You stated that you have never had to worry about anybody but yourself. Did you even think of me or worry about the repercussions that this may have on us?

I would love to understand why this happened. I have supported  ALL of you, the good, the bad and the ugly, BUT I WILL NOT be used as a cover and lied to and cheated on. I am hurt. My trust in you is damaged, as well as I am sure your trust in me is too.  I’m not sure if this relationship is repairable or if you ever truly even wanted to try. I realize now that this is part of who you are, and I am not sure I can share or accept the thought of you going outside of our relationship to find what truly makes you happy.

I could’ve lived with the porn had I had to...that’s one thing, but communicating with actual humans who’ve posted ads on Craigslist is crossing a line.   

I WILL NOT speak of this to anyone, you have my word. If you do want to talk this over I am here to listen and support you.

I love you with every ounce of my being. I would give anything to be that person that can fulfill your every desire.

 

November 6, 2017 10:43 am  #2


Re: Letter to my ex

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (September 13, 2019 2:24 pm)

 

November 6, 2017 11:00 am  #3


Re: Letter to my ex

Duped

I appreciate the harsh words. This was the letter I originally wrote when finding everything out a few days back. I do not want to repair or fix anything. I haven’t gotten to the anger stage yet but I’m hoping to get there soon. I posted this as therapy and to get responses just like yours so I would get a reality check. At some point it has to all sink in, right? Every weak “moment” I keep opening the email evidence I have and re-reading it all. In time I’ll get there

     Thread Starter
 

November 6, 2017 11:33 am  #4


Re: Letter to my ex

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (September 13, 2019 2:23 pm)

 

November 6, 2017 1:38 pm  #5


Re: Letter to my ex

RW, 

One of my struggles today (more than a year later) is that I have things that I never communicated that I still wrestle with on a daily basis.  I made a vow to her that I would treat her with kindness and never yell or swear at her or call her names, so throughout the divorce and even to this day I have never communicated the hurt that she inflicted on me.  I wrestle with the idea of sending her an email even today.  I want to tell her how much I hate her for taking advantage of me and stealing 16 years of my life.  I want to tell her how much I hate her for cheating on me and leaving me for another person, when she owed me at honestly and respect for loving her unconditionally for so many years.   I want to tell her how much I hate her for lying to me and continuing to have the affair even after I told her it was unacceptable for her to do while we were still married.   

But I never did tell her those things.  Today I wish I had because i still store those emotions and they still bring me pain and take time and energy and happiness out of my life.   Those emotions are slowly diminishing, but I wonder how much further ahead and how much happier I would be today if I had let go of those emotions and communicated my pain to her. 

I'm not necessarily telling you to send the email .  But I'm giving you another perspective.  Sometime I think it can be healthy to let the offender know how much they have hurt us rather than holding it inside and wrestling with it longer than we should. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 6, 2017 1:45 pm  #6


Re: Letter to my ex

Phoenix

I’m sorry you’re still struggling after a year. I loved this man and gave so much of myself to him. I did send this letter to him and he denied everything and flipped it all around on me. I’m hoping that the pain turns to anger soon. I personally think you should write the letter, even if you never send it you at least get it off your chest. Writing for me was therapeutic, even if he did deny it all. I know the truth and carry the proof. I wish you the best and hope you can let go of the pain and heal.

     Thread Starter
 

November 6, 2017 2:05 pm  #7


Re: Letter to my ex

You are so correct about the writing of the letter being great therapy.  This forum is a fantastic outlet for us to put those feelings into words, share our thoughts publicly, and even get excellent feedback.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 6, 2017 4:48 pm  #8


Re: Letter to my ex

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:20 pm)

 

November 6, 2017 5:01 pm  #9


Re: Letter to my ex

I want him to feel horrible and like crap and hurt as bad as I hurt (or worse), but I also know at this time I’m not strong enough for his nasty replies and lies. He knows how to cut me down and make me feel small. At this point I am going to work on myself...maybe someday I’ll send him an email with all my feelings. Never in my life did I imagine being in this Situation.

     Thread Starter
 

November 6, 2017 5:21 pm  #10


Re: Letter to my ex

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (September 13, 2019 2:23 pm)

 

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