Welcome Codiet, 

I'm sorry you are facing such an awful experience.  I can relate.. My ex fell in love with a married female co--worker and had an affair and they both divorced their husbands so they could be together.  I have felt your pain.. every ounce of it.   I thought I had that great marriage as well.. 16 years.  We were best friends, never fought, were great parents, it was good..  except there wasn't much intimacy.. but I buried my head in the ground and pretended that wasn't so important.  I feared she was a lesbian, but chose to ignore it because I didn't like the idea of what that might lead to in the future.  Until it happened. 

Let me share an opinion with you..  Your wife's sexuality is not in question.  She knows that she has a same-sex attraction and always has.  You even said so in your post.  However, she chosen to hide it from you and the world and has been hiding it since her early teen years.  She didn't want to be a lesbian.. she wanted to be "normal".  She probably has conservative family and roots and has always feared being rejected and judged for her SSA.  To be fair, it's a legit concern.. our society is improving, but we are definitely not kind and fair and equal.   She made the best of her efforts to be straight for as long as she could, but that changed when she finally found a person to pull her out of the closet.  In this case a co-worker..   So she had an affair and is now enjoying the expression of her true sexuality.  It's not in question.. she knows full well that she is a lesbian.   The question is.. does she want to come out openly and let the world know.  Or, does she want to keep her family and social order intact.  Some people are able to deny their sexual urges and remain in hetero marriage.  Most cannot. 

Looking back on my experience, what hurts most is that she was never honest with me.  If she had come out to me and told me that she tried her best to be straight and love me, but couldn't anymore.. BEFORE having an affair, I would have been much less hurt.  Instead, like your wife, mine had that affair.. she committed the ultimate act of betrayal.. giving herself intimately to another person, trying to lie about it, continuing to lie about it after I told her she couldn't keep having that affair.  Ugh.. it was awful.    That's what is happening to you as well.   I feel for you my friend.

What do you want?   Based on your post it sounds like you've given her all the power and decisions in the relationship.  Don't you get a say in this?   Most of us guys want to keep our marriage and will try everything to do so.  I was the same way.. I waited for her to decide to stay or leave... and waiting was HELL.  I just want you to know that you get to have power here as well.  If you chose to try to save your marriage you can do that, but you need to set some pretty clear boundaries.  If you chose divorce, you can make that call.. it doesn't get to be her decision only. 

I would start researching divorce law in your state.  Alimony and child support laws don't only apply to women.  You have been the stay-at-home dad.. you might be able to continue that way with her paying to support you and the kids.  

Anyway.. welcome to the forum.  Please feel free to share as much as you like as often as you like.  The act of sharing is very good for you.  

You can find a face-to-face straight spouse network in most major cities.  Meeting real people you can talk to is a huge help. 
http://www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/

Let us know how we can help. 



 

Good for you Codiet for putting a time limit on her nonsense!  I wish I had done that in the beginning of my journey.  Granted, it was 10 years ago but I could have been free and moved on with my life about three years sooner had I not waited and waited for him to "change".  I gave too many chances and too many do-overs. 

You sound like you're well grounded and you realize exactly what you need to do going forward.  Meeting with the attorney is a good step forward.  Don't get stuck in a place you don't want to live.  If you want to return to your home, make sure that is spelled out in the divorce decree that you're allowed to do so and that you're allowed to take the kids there.  And definitely ask for support if she led you to believe that you could quit your job because you'd be together forever.  These people never cease to amaze me. 

She's definitely sneaky.  Don't buy for one minute that they are going to hang out as friends.  Unless someone is chaperoning them, they are most definitely up to no good.  You can't just turn off sexual feelings.  And you're right, the tattoo is a complete slap in the face. 

You're young.  And while it may not seem like it now, you have a full, happy life ahead of you.  Let this pass, regroup, and start over.  It can be done and you can be happy. 

I definitely under stand your points Kel and I am probably stupid for trusting anything that she says after the way she deceived me to begin with. I found out about the affair the hard way through undeleted text messages. 

​I guess when you feel like you knew someone or feel like you truly love someone you hold out hope for whatever reason. 

​I am actually quite open minded and even told her if all 4 of us agreed for the ladies to " experiment " with there new found sexuality, I would be open to them doing so. Not implying that we would suddenly turn into swingers or anything but I do want her to be happy, but at the same time I need and should be worrying about my own happiness. 

​But yes, she seems more so committed to that relationship than ours although we are the married couple, but at the same time the moment I bring up the fact that I feel like the only way we move forwards from this is divorce she gets all antsy and tells me not to make any rash decisions and gets all upset that she is " ripping our family apart ".

​Personally I think she is waiting for her lover to leave her husband after the holidays. I am not totally convinced she is going to do so though because she has been the manipulator in the relationship between them two from what I have seen and  read in all the undeleted messages, even bragging to my wife how her " Andy ( her husband ) is sleeping on her shoulder " as they sexted.  

​I do know that it takes two to tango, but she is definitely very deceitful and has my wife kind of on an emotional string, always pulling her back in whenever my wife tries to break away.  Through out the process the other woman was the one who would always reinitiate contact, although my wife was always the one who picked up the phone or responded to the messages herself as well.

​I don't know, I guess for whatever reason you still hold out hope and hope that the person you loved would come back to you in some form but I do realize the relationship we had is dead. 

I totally get where you're coming from Codie - most of us want to feel that we've given our marriage our best shot for an adequate length of time before we concede.  I also understand the desire to believe someone whom you've believed all and thought you knew well up until now.  You know they can be that person, so you're waiting for their return.  But she might not be that person anymore, buddy.  It's possible that she just might have ever been the person you thought she was, from the new admissions of her having been attracted to women before.  It's up to you to decide how much trust you give her, and how much free reign.  But I'd suggest that now is the time to start making those decisions with your head rather than your heart/gut.  You were trusting your heart and gut before, and it didn't notice what was going on behind your back.  Which either means your heart/gut is off, or she's that good at this.  Neither makes a good case for you to continue using the heart/gut that you've been using for years now.  It's just not a smart decision - it's not advice you'd give a friend or a young adult in your family, is it?

I hear you making excuses about her behavior - her lover is manipulative, and she's falling for it.  And I do see what you're saying - that she's not the one initiating the contact, or guilting the other woman.  At the risk of sounding completely callous,.... SO?  No one held a gun to her head to do these things - to cheat, to sneak around, to betray you and deceive you and give away what was rightfully yours and ONLY yours.  She owes this woman nothing compared to what she owes you (as her spouse) - and she might not be the chaser, she's LETTING herself be caught by this person.  Trust me when I say that women are masters of keeping away from someone they're not interested in.  If she's with this other person, it's because she WANTS to be.  It's easier to see our spouse as the weak one who is being manipulated than it is to see them as someone willingly cheating on us.  YOU and the other woman's husband are the victims here.  Don't make her the victim, too - in doing so, you begin to feel sorry for her and soften your boundary lines.  And that's not good for you.  I know you want to be good to her, too.  But SHE's been taking care of her just fine - doing exactly what she wanted.  Time to start being your own advocate now - because she's certainly not going to do it for you.  If you don't stand up for yourself now, then NO ONE will be standing up for you.

You are certainly more than entitled to make whatever decisions work for you and your marriage.  But I would caution you against thinking that letting her "explore" isn't dangerous.  Many a man here will tell you that they gave into that too, and when their wives left them emotionally for the other woman, they felt just as betrayed in the end as if she'd done it with another man.  They didn't anticipate that, but that's what they were left holding, in the end.  You need to be aware of that going in.  Because when you don't have their heart any longer - and their time, their dedication, their excitement for your relationship - and instead that all is given to someone else, it doesn't matter if they gave it to another woman, another man, or a circus monkey - it will still be lonely where you are when you stand there alone.

Kel
 

It is quite a poor situation, the worst part being that I have barely had three weeks to process all of this but at the same time she wants me to just walk around and act like nothing happened and " coexist " until she fully decides what she wants. 

​Neither woman, from what I was told at least has had any experience with other women. But my wife has told me that she has had feeling for other women in the past and I kind of see now that she has always had intense friendship relationships with other women. 

​They to as well have a hard time breaking communication. When this originally came out they were supposed to not speak for a month as they tried to get there heads about them and they ended up contacting each other Via pay phones, etc. my wife picking up a pay phone in the Houston airport to contact the other woman ( I didn't even know pay phones still existed ) and she was physically withdrawing from this woman. Saying she was up at night uncontrollably crying, cold and shaking. How does that even happen ?

I look at her now and say to her that I don't even know who you are anymore, you don't even look the same to me anymore. How she just abandoned all of us for this other woman pretty much at the drop of a hat. She burned all of her work leave, left her phone places because we have location services turned on for one another and was picked up by the other woman and  she wasn't even there to pick up my son on his first day of kindergarten because she was with this other woman to which my son said to me that day " I wish mama was here " and I never told her that because I thought they were just friends at the time and didn't want her to feel bad. 

​I am trying to stick to my game plan right now, although it is extremely difficult. My love language is most definitely touch and that was something I loved about us, we would always reach out to each other or sleep up against each other and now she is basically falling off the bed to stay away from me. So I think I am going to ask her to sleep in the spare bedroom from here on out, unless she wants to try and recommit to our marriage. 

​For whatever reason I am holding out a small bit of hope, it is most definitely difficult to just forget about your past together and the future that you thought you had planned but I am coming to terms a little bit that that future is gone and will start taking the necessary steps towards protecting myself and kids from further harm from her actions. 

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