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October 15, 2017 12:57 am  #1


How? How? HOW?

I feel so numb.

My husband and I have been married for over a decade. We have 8 children together-yes, 8 children.

This last week my husband told me that he is gay. Not Bi, but gay. He is not attracted to women at all. This explains a ton-why he has never been really into sex, why he will not connect to me at all emotionally and keeps me at arm's length. We have always had a hard marriage, but I sucked it up because I thought that marriage was just always hard. (My parents can't really stand each other so not good role models there and I was always taught that divorce was evil). And because he constantly tells me that I am overreacting, or dramatic, or needy, and that my sometimes wanting sex twice a week means I am sex crazed, and so on.
He told me because I confronted him and asked. I've noticed him reacting to men often lately.


He isn't looking to divorce. He actually said he doesn't want to. And he expects that life is going to continue on as it always has, no changes or anything. He says that he doesn't want to engage in "activities" with men and he doesn't want to "be a quitter" so he doesn't want to divorce. He also said that, "Sometimes in life we don't get what we want and we just have to deal with that." Which makes me feel awful-like I'm not what he wants but he just has to "deal" with me.
I asked (because I suspected) and he confessed that he has been watching gay porn.


How? How did I end up here? What do I do? How do I cope?

I've barely spoken to him in days. I just can't. I don't know what to say. This whole marriage feels fake. Especially since he never ever has emotionally connected with me.

Ugh, this post is all over. I'm sorry. I'm feeling incoherent tonight. I really don't know what to do, and I'm hurt and mad and hurt again...

 

October 15, 2017 4:52 am  #2


Re: How? How? HOW?

Starlight,

You are in shock.  Many of us know the feeling ..our mind tries to process it and it cant. 

I can't answer why or how  this happens to us.  For myself I think it was  God actually looking out for me..my now ex became so very cruel in the end...just horrible.i thank god for getting me away from not just the gay but the abusive and inhumane treatment.  But I could not see it at the time.   At the time I simply took the treatment..watched as my kids watched me getting abused.( I correct them now if I catch them treating me like her..)

Know that you did nothing wrong.  It is not your fault.You loved fiercely and loyally..with kids to prove it.

What do you do now?  Gather strength. ..you have 8 reasons to gather as much strength as you can...those kids need a parent that is for them absolutely...your husband has demonstrated he is for only himself and will hurt without remorse.

You've taken a first step by seeking help and, in my opinion, not speaking to your husband.. detaching from his false reality.
He does not get to decide what you get in this life...he is not a god. A husband, heck a friend, is supposed to treat you kindly and love you. To treat you like that is really abuse, he is hurting you...like how an enemy would treat you.  It is not moral...it it his selfish version of reality.

We can say NO to the hurt.  We can stand for our children who he need and deserve an un-abused parent.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 15, 2017 10:02 am  #3


Re: How? How? HOW?

Rob, thank you for your reply.

I know you are right. I have spent so much time in this marriage begging-literally begging-my husband for love and affection. He has ignored me when I cry-not occasionally but that is the norm. He tells me to leave him alone.

It's amazing how so many things come into focus. I never dated anyone but him, I've never been with anyone but him. I didn't know what anything was supposed to look or feel like. I was the first woman he was ever with, and that wasn't until after we were married. No wonder he told me to leave him alone on our honeymoon. No wonder....so many things. No wonder.

From our recent talk (which he changed details from what he told me years ago, so who knows if this is the truth or still lies...) he was part of the "gay scene" (I'm sorry, I don't know what to call it) for a while. Had some flings, and at a party the lbgqt club put on he met a guy who he had a ton in common with (it sounds like they had a lot more in common that my husband and I do) and they hooked up and started a relationship. This guy wanted my husband to move in and he did rent a room from him but swears that the relationship was over by then (hard time believing jay he lived in the house with an exboyfriend and didn't do anything with him. Before he told me that this guy wanted him to move in and my husband said no). Anyway, about this point he suddenly got scared (I think fear of commitment) and feared that he would go to hell for being gay, so he started going to my church, swore that he wouldn't engage in "gay activities", met me, married me and we had kids right away.
Before we got married he told me that he had been sexually abused as a child by a man, and that as a result he "thought he might be gay" and "goofed around a little" as a teen but pretty quickly decided that wasn't actually for him. He had girlfriends after that and then met me. He made it sound so distant and long ago-he was 28 when we started dating. Now I know that he was with men up until 3ish years before we were together, and then even after that and through our marriage he was watching gay porn somewhat heavily I believe.

I was raised extremely sheltered and extremely religious. My mother is an out of control narcissist and I was raised to be codependent so that's something I definitely struggle with, though I am getting much better lately.  I married for life. I believed that divorce was evil when we got married and swore I would never divorce, no matter what. I was naive. I had never been allowed to date anyone before him, I had nothing to compare to. I was the perfect target to get sucked into this.

Oh, man. I'm think I am in shock. Im sorry if I post a ton and kind of "bleed" all over the boards. I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to put things together and the pieces of the puzzle snap into place suddenly and at random times. Ow. It hurts every time they do, but the picture also gets clearer each time a new piece fits.

And my husband, he is acting like everything is cool. He flashes these big grins at me. He was suddenly asking for sex constantly after this revelation until I shut that down. He is sending me lots of cute texts suddenly. I feel like he is trying to suck me back into his vortex and I don't want to go....

     Thread Starter
 

October 15, 2017 10:46 am  #4


Re: How? How? HOW?

Hi Starlight,
I’m so very sorry this is happening to you, but glad you’ve come to the right place. You can vent as much as you want here. We all know what this is , it’s a kick in the gut, that just keeps kicking. We were all deceived and hoodwinked into thinking we were in a heterosexual relationship/ marriage, mine was over 3 decades before I found out.  But as much as you are in shock right now, please remember you don’t have to go along with everything he says. Others here have commented on similar stories of love bombing after DDay, don’t fall for it, and don’t have sex with this man. Breathe, and ask yourself what do you want? Can you confide in a close friend or other family member? Rob makes an excellent point, he doesn’t get to decide. I’m so sorry, we are here for you.

 

October 15, 2017 10:46 am  #5


Re: How? How? HOW?

Avoid the vortex at all costs.  He is “love bombing” you.  He just wants to go back to status quo.  I know exactly how you feel.  After I found out my husband was cheating with men I could not get out of bed, couldn’t eat.  I cried every single day multiple times.  My husband made excuses and denied everything and went about his business as if everything was fine.
Right now you need to gather your strength and your support system.  Because of your codependency this is going to be hard and you need friends around you to keep you on track.  Do you have someone close you can trust and confide in who will support you?  Get those people ready.  You will be surprised how many will want to help you any way they can.
Get a therapist.  You need guidance to get through this.  Understanding this whole mess is very hard and a good therapist is invaluable.
Right now focus on yourself and your kids.
Please get tested for STDs.  It is unlikely he has only been watching porn. 
Look out for your health and if you do have sex with him use protection.
If he’s the only person you have ever been with then you have nothing to compare him to.  Love should never feel like rejection.  You should never feel weird or guilty for wanting intimacy with your husband.
Don’t listen to his lies or fall for his tactics to get you to do what he wants.
You deserve to be happy and loved by someone who can appreciate you.  Only you can decide if that person in any way resembles your husband.
I know right now you aren’t ready to make any major changes.  Take care of yourself.  Stress is very hard on the body and mind.  In a few weeks you will come out ofshock and think a bit more clearly.  There’s no need to make any major decisions right now.  Focus on you and your kids. 
I’m so sorry you are here.  So many relate to your story and will offer hard earned knowledge.
Peace and hugs,
Majenco

Last edited by majenco (October 15, 2017 3:31 pm)

 

October 15, 2017 1:09 pm  #6


Re: How? How? HOW?

majenco wrote:

Avoid the vortex at all costs.

This....omg "My husband made excuses and denied everything
and went about his business as if everything was fine" 


I have copied this post, sent it to myself 
so I can read it later
 

Last edited by Ellexoh (October 15, 2017 8:19 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 16, 2017 8:59 am  #7


Re: How? How? HOW?

majenco wrote:

Avoid the vortex at all costs.  He is “love bombing” you.  He just wants to go back to status quo.  I know exactly how you feel.  After I found out my husband was cheating with men I could not get out of bed, couldn’t eat.  I cried every single day multiple times.  My husband made excuses and denied everything and went about his business as if everything was fine.
Right now you need to gather your strength and your support system.  Because of your codependency this is going to be hard and you need friends around you to keep you on track.  Do you have someone close you can trust and confide in who will support you?  Get those people ready.  You will be surprised how many will want to help you any way they can.
Get a therapist.  You need guidance to get through this.  Understanding this whole mess is very hard and a good therapist is invaluable.
Right now focus on yourself and your kids.
Please get tested for STDs.  It is unlikely he has only been watching porn. 
Look out for your health and if you do have sex with him use protection.
If he’s the only person you have ever been with then you have nothing to compare him to.  Love should never feel like rejection.  You should never feel weird or guilty for wanting intimacy with your husband.
Don’t listen to his lies or fall for his tactics to get you to do what he wants.
You deserve to be happy and loved by someone who can appreciate you.  Only you can decide if that person in any way resembles your husband.
I know right now you aren’t ready to make any major changes.  Take care of yourself.  Stress is very hard on the body and mind.  In a few weeks you will come out ofshock and think a bit more clearly.  There’s no need to make any major decisions right now.  Focus on you and your kids. 
I’m so sorry you are here.  So many relate to your story and will offer hard earned knowledge.
Peace and hugs,
Majenco

Majenco, thank you for your reply. I am so, so sorry you have been through so much. :-(
Do you think part of why they try to act normal after the reveal is because they aren't bothered because it's not new info for them? Like, nothing new happened for them, so they can't see the big deal? Or is it because they are selfish jerks who don't give a darn about their partner? I'm struggling with this right now.

I have been in therapy for a couple of months already and my therapist is phenominal so I'm covered that way. She has been encouraging me to see reality for what it is and to stop trying to cover it up.

I am well aware of the codependency which is great, because I can work on it now that I see it. I have talked to 4 friends about this so far and am planning to talk to another this week. One couple doesn't understand-they are religious and think that he can just power through and suppress "the sinful urges", but they don't get that he's been doing that and it's been HELL for me. Our whole marriage has been so hard and I have been miserable. It's not just "oh, he's not cheating on you, so it's ok", it's all the manipulation, and lies, and gaslighting and plain old treating me poorly that goes with this that's hard.
One friend I just spoke to this week was absolutely phenominal. She divorced recently and has 6 kids-her husband was a hard core porn addict and there was a lot of manipulation and lies that went along with that, so she kind of gets it. She was super supportive, thankfully.

As far as love-well, I've been married almost 13 years and I still dream of someone falling in love with me, so I guess that says a lot.


I am avoiding the vortex. This has been a pattern in our relationship, when I'm starting to get really fed up and pull away, the "nice guy vortex of doom" comes out and sucks me back in. Then as soon as I am back in and he feels secure, the "nice guy" goes away and he is back to ignoring me, witholding sex, and just generally treating me like crap.
After he confessed that he is gay he started asking for sex all the time-I kid you not, in that week he asked for sex more than he had in the 4 years prior. He kept sending me all these "cute" texts too. tbis made absolutely no sense to me. How the heck do you tell your straight wife that you are gay, that you aren't attracted to women at all, that sex has always been about just releasing hormones and never about her or her needs at all, that you lied about past relationships-and then expect her to act like everything is normal and WANT to sleep with you? What. The. Heck. Is. Wrong. With. This. Guy.

I shut down the sex requests, I told him I need a break. I actually said that I wished that he could move out for a bit, but in all honesty we don't have the money for that, which he pointed out. So we are still living together.

I'm confused what to do now. He still keeps sending me all these "lovey" texts-he's trying major hard to suck me back in. I don't want back in. And honestly the longer he ignores things AND keeps trying to act like all is well, the more I want to GET AWAY FROM HIM. It's so much more complicated with 8 kids-their ages are 12 down to 6 months.

Sigh. This is so hard.

Last edited by Starlight (October 16, 2017 9:38 am)

     Thread Starter
 

October 16, 2017 10:16 am  #8


Re: How? How? HOW?

Starlight wrote:

Do you think part of why they try to act normal after the reveal is because they aren't bothered because it's not new info for them? Like, nothing new happened for them, so they can't see the big deal? Or is it because they are selfish jerks who don't give a darn about their partner? I'm struggling with this right now.

Yes, and yes.  Yes, they absolutely act like this news is no big deal to them because it ISN'T.  They've had years - sometimes decades (if not their entire life) to process their sexuality.  They've fought their hardest enemy - which would be themselves - so what you do can't possibly scare them more than that.  And they care about themselves most in their marriage.  It's not that they don't care for you - they may.  But they care for themselves immeasurably more.  Enough that they likely married while knowing they were gay.  But it fit their needs at the time, so they had no issue doing so.  They were willing to take the chance that it wouldn't work out - because if it failed, they'd be okay with that.  They never stopped to consider what that might do to their spouse if they were happy.

I guess my main question would be WHY did he tell you he's gay?  Presumably, he's known for a long time that he's felt this way.  And he didn't tell you all that time.  So telling you would only be advantageous in a few scenarios.  One would be because he/the two of you have decided to be more open and honest with each other.  That would likely feel different, though - it'd feel like the two of you were on the same side - the side of your marriage.  Another reason would be because he got caught in some activity that he couldn't explain away, and this just..... popped out.  If that's the case, he'll likely take it back later.  The third scenario is that he's telling you as a warning for something that's about to change.  Right now he's saying that he wants nothing to change, and he doesn't want any sexual activity with men to occur.  Could it be that in a few months, he'll say that maybe he's open to that?  Followed by "yes, I definitely want to try it", then by "I NEED to do this - and you need to let me if you love me."?  I can't quite figure out why else anyone would tell on themselves.  They've been keeping the secret their whole lives - why come clean if it's not a foreshadowing of something to come.  It just doesn't make sense otherwise.  He might actually already have been carrying on his gay desires outside the marriage for years - and finally met who he thinks is "the one".  And this is all just a precursor to him working up to leaving.  Only he knows what's up his sleeve.

An alternative could be just that he figures now that you know, you won't be expecting any physical affection or intimacy or connectivity of any kind, and that part of the annoyance to him will finally be over.  My ex figured that once I knew the truth, I wouldn't want sex any more.  Which was somewhat true - I didn't want it with HIM any longer.  But he thought I could just "turn off" the need for affection, love and intimacy.  I remember him telling the counselor that in a joint session before he admitted to being gay.  And the counselor said, "Those are basic human needs - especially within a committed relationship".  Followed by a look from the counselor to me - his eyes said, "I'm not sure this can be fixed."  I find it interesting that they want us to have no desires, while they have plenty - just not for US.  It's like we're inconveniencing them with our needs - when they knew our needs and committed to be the one to exclusively meeting them.  It's so..... selfish.

Is he willing to let others know of his sexuality, too?  Or is it a secret you're now tasked with keeping, too?  Which puts you firmly in his closet with him.

I'm sure you feel very stuck right now.  There's no easy way out of this - especially with the expense of so many children to support.  I'm so sorry.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

October 16, 2017 10:49 am  #9


Re: How? How? HOW?

Welcome Starlight!

I'm so sorry you find yourself in our midst.  It's earth-shaking to learn such a secret about your spouse.   Be assured, you are among friends here who know how you feel because we have been through or are going through the same experience. 

You mentioned bleeding all over the forum. Don't apologize.  I encourage it.  Expressing your emotions in words to a support group (even just an anonymous group on the internet) is great therapy.  It's really good for you and nobody here minds a bit.  So post to your hearts content.. 100x a day if you want. 

Congratulations on 8 kids.  What a huge blessing!  I'm sure right now it feels like a burden because you are worried about them and how this issue will affect them.  Guess what?   They will be fine.  They have a great mom.  You haven't really talked about your husbands relationship with the kids, but I hope he is a great father to them. That doesn't need to change. 

I have few pieces of advice for you.  Some might not be easy to hear, but the advice is given out of concern for your well-being. 
1.)  Please get tested for STD's (as majenco said).  Based on the experiences of people on this forum, the majority of our spouses did cheat even if they say they didn't.  I pray that isn't the case for you, but you must take this step to protect yourself just in case. 
2.)  Know that you have choices.  From your tone in your messages it seems like you are allowing your husband to determine if he wants to stay in the marriage.  I'm not telling you to divorce him.. I'm just saying that you get to make that decision.  I want you to feel empowered.  He should be begging you to allow him to stay, not dictating to you what the future will be.  This is a very hard decision, but I want you to realize that you get to make it.. not him.  I'm sure you feel trapped, especially with 8 kids to provide for (not sure how many are still in the home), but know that you do get to make the call.  If you decide to stay, it is your choice, not his. 
3.)  I would encourage you to feel proud of yourself rather than embarrassed or weak.  You mention your religious upbringing and your feeling that marriage is for life no matter what.  Those are not negatives or weaknesses.  Those are things to be proud of.  Many people who are not as committed and not as strong would have given up and bailed earlier.  You should be proud.. you have exemplified the ideal of a committed and loving spouse.. despite the major issues you have felt and the poor way he has treated you, you stayed with him and loved him completely.  We should all be so lucky to have a spouse like you.   4.)  Don't feel bad about being tricked or not seeing the truth earlier.  We believe what our heart wants.  We chose love over suspicions.  We learn to trust until we are betrayed and then learn not to trust.  You didn't do anything wrong.  Don't ever think this is your fault.  A person who has hidden their homosexuality for most of their life becomes a professional. They are way ahead of us.  They are keeping a secret we aren't prepared to even look for or think about.  We go into our marriage with hope and optimism, believing the best in the person we are marrying.  This is how it should be.  Don't feel guilty about this. 

How do you cope?   One day at a time.  You are in shock right now.  The earth is quaking beneath you and you are struggling to just stand up.  So don't try to run yet.  Give yourself time, do what you need to do to care for yourself and your children.  As things start to clarify and you gather strength, then you can decide what to do next.  
Gather a support network.  If you are near a major city, we have face-to-face group meetings that are fantastic.  Keep posting here.   Do you have any close friends or family you can trust to support you?  Today is your rainy day.. time to call in those favors.  Don't harm yourself keeping his secret... if you need to disclose what is going on to a few friends to help you out, then do that.  You don't owe keeping lies to protect a liar.  He's looking out for himself and not you.  Someone needs to look out for you.. so do it. 

Stick around... let us know how we can help. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 16, 2017 5:32 pm  #10


Re: How? How? HOW?

I totally feel your pain Starlight,
My husband is in therapy now and we are temporarily separated.  He is all over me with texts and gifts etc.   Whether  hes honestly interested in figuring his own shit out remains to be seen.  It’s hard to reconcile the two sides of the person  I have loved for so long. 
As time goes on you will find that your inner voice will guide you where you need to go.  Listen to that always.  It rarely steers you wrong.

Majenco

 

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