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Tue Oct 10 11:02 pm  #1

I am crushed

Well today we started a 7 week separation that was supposed to be for working on codependency issues.  While he was gone I checked the computer I found pics in there that predate our marriage with him having all manner of oral sex with a man.  So many pics. 
I feel sick, I also found emails arranging swinging and swapping with another couple and he and his first wife.
I confronted him and he’s still trying to deny saying bi curious, saying his ex wanted to be with a woman and he just went along with it.  The lies are ridiculous.  It’s beyond just being gay or bi and the behavoir its the lying and there were those black bars over the other guy’s eyes in the pic which tells me they were probably posted on the internet somewhere.  Exhibitionism and swinging.  69 with random guys.  I can’t take it.  I gotta get the hell out of this nightmare.  He’s known our entire marriage he’s into this shit.  Why drag me into this mess?

Last edited by majenco (Sun Oct 29 7:12 pm)


Wed Oct 11 2:19 am  #2

Re: I am crushed

Dear Majenco

This is the most painful time of all in my opinion.

Discovering shocked you into a numb phase where nothing registered much until you can find the courage to face the possible truth.
Then comes the questions and the need to find proof.  Even when you sure, you still want to find proof.  You want to SEE it in black on white so to speak.
You research and snoop until you find this horrible images and terrifying knowledge that you cannot erase.  And all you want to do is go back and never know or see it again...
But you cannot. 

So, for me, the most painful part of all, is accepting what you know and saw and the decision what to do with it.
Stay or go? Stay or go?  Then you revisit all that you've seen, all that you have gone through over the years and you wonder - what have I not discovered yet?
What lies has he told me I do not know yet?  How far did he go with this?  What do I not know?  Is my health at risk?  May I be in physical danger (I had someone who stayed at my house when I was away who apparently had a key to the house)?
So, off you go and try to find out more.  It is frustrating, humiliating, maddening and soul crushing.  And all the while, you wish that the pain of what you know can go away.

Then you are alone, since you cannot take it anymore.  And it is easy to start feeling sorry for yourself.  I am a victim of this man.  He dragged me into his mess.
I am so hurt.  I do not want to face this.  I need my husband and my friend.  Sometimes, I felt like tearing my new house apart.  I wanted to burn my clothes and cut myself so I can  drain the pain out.

But know this, everything in this world must come to an end.  Life is about balance and comes in cycles.  Happiness runs into sadness and sadness too, must come to an end.
Happiness will come to you again.  Its the circle of life.  Just for now, cry when you need to cry.  When you done, cucumber slices do drag the burn out of swollen eyes.
Put on your make up, that beautiful dress and treat yourself to something you like.  Smile at someone and reach out to your friends and family.  Small steps take you through
the day and days take you through a week.  Find a moment in each of those days to fill it with something that makes you happy - a song, a slice of cake, a good book.  Whatever.
And you will be okay by the end of one those weeks.  And hopefully soon, you will be okay at the end of each day.

Keep strong and a sincere e-hug from someone who felt crushed like you.


Wed Oct 11 5:32 am  #3

Re: I am crushed

Thanks Mrs Lonely,
You described exactly how I feel.  I can’t say I’m surprised at this point but I’m shocked.  Being visually confronted with it makes it too real.  The lies and excuses.  It’s pathological.  It’s  sex as a way to eliminate intimacy rather than have it.  It’s just like his alcoholism.
Alsways an escape.  Never facing the truth.
I have to face it.  This relationship is based on lies.  This person is not safe for me.  Entrusting my heart to him has only brought me pain and that will only worsen if I continue on this circuitous path.
I’m in shock.  I can never unsee what I’ve seen.  Trust will now be something I struggle with forever.
I am so profoundly sad and broken.

     Thread Starter

Wed Oct 11 11:55 am  #4

Re: I am crushed

This is just my opinion, but I think that when we're in a position like yours, what we're really looking for is something that will make us feel different about our partner - something that will suddenly turn "off" the love.  But it doesn't really work that way.  At some point, it becomes necessary to decide that you cannot and will not stay with someone who is abusing you, lying to you and making you miserable - just because you feel love for them.  There are probably a million people out there who I could come to love, if I gave it a go.  That doesn't mean I should marry them and stay with them forever, despite how they treat me.  You can love and move on.

The love slowly abates on its own.  It's not an off switch.  But at some point, you need to decide if you're willing to let someone continue to abuse you just because you feel something for them.  It becomes about survival at some point.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Wed Oct 11 1:42 pm  #5

Re: I am crushed

Kel I agree,
Nothing but lies.  If I don’t leave now then I am doomed to a life of unhappiness and abuse.  I am not looking forward to the end of this.  The work involved.  The pain.  I’m so tired already but there’s still more torture ahead.  It’s the nightmare that just won’t stop.

     Thread Starter

Wed Oct 11 2:13 pm  #6

Re: I am crushed

The snooping is such a double-edged sword. 

You just feel compelled to know the truth.  You deserve the truth.  The truth gives you the resolve to make decisions on your future.   But it hurts so much to see it.  The pain is so awful.  I will never forget reading instant messages from my wife to her lesbian affair partner talking about how great their sex was.  That intimacy was supposed to be mine alone.. to see evidence of her giving it away to another person cut like a knife deep into my soul. 

Now that you know majenco.. I would encourage you to avoid snooping again.  It will only bring you more pain.  Good luck with your decision.. let us know how we can help support you.  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Wed Oct 11 2:22 pm  #7

Re: I am crushed

I dunno, majenco; you might just be at the most painful part now, and the rest is all downhill after this.  That's the way mine was, in retrospect.  Deciding was the hardest.  Standing in that one spot and looking down two different roads and not liking either one was hard.  But once I'd made up my mind, it got easier.  I had more resolve. AND he started to REALLY show his true colors then.  It's pretty easy to keep walking away from someone after they're acting like a narcissist about you leaving.  You become more and more convinced that you're right for doing this.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Wed Oct 11 2:43 pm  #8

Re: I am crushed


A lot good  feedback and advice by other here..

"..and sadness too, must come to an end."

That was thing.. I could not see the, months would go on with her cheating and treating me badly.
But there was an end.. Heck   I found out the court , when the divorce was filed,  wants it to end and off the books.. finally they dragged us in and said settle or set a trial date.    We cannot see the end but it is a season,  a valley.  But we are not citizens of the (gay/abusive/hurtful)  valley.

My snooping yes was a double edged sword... horrible stuff made me shake with trauma and hurt.  But it also told me what my heart would not admit.. that she was the one pursuing the affair and did not want me anymore.

Walk forward.  For me I used our non-separation during the divorce process to stay with my kids and for financial reasons...    But you can see now the lies and  secrets go beyond TGT.    I am thankful now that God got me away from such a hurtful person.. Im just beginning to feel safe and stop shaking from the horrible lies, deceit and hurtful treatment.      

Wishing you safety and piece on your journey away from TGT.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Wed Oct 11 3:22 pm  #9

Re: I am crushed

Thanks Rob, Phoenix and Kel,
This is so hard.  But I know what I have to do.  Eventually it has to get better.  It can’t get worse.

Last edited by majenco (Wed Oct 11 3:23 pm)

     Thread Starter

Thu Oct 12 4:07 pm  #10

Re: I am crushed

Knowing what you have to do is half the battle - I swear.  It doesn't make doing it easy, but once you're clear on what needs to be done, then you can start taking one step after the other.  It's when you're going around in circles that it feels panicky.

You can do this, majenco.  You CAN.  You know how they say there's three phases to labor, and we can't believe that phase 2 is pushing, because that kind of seems like the entire thing.  But it's not - once you start pushing, you've already gone through hours and hours (usually) of pain that leads to that moment.  Pushing can be an hour, but it can also be minutes.  At the point of pushing, you KNOW what you have to do.  And you see no way in backing out any longer.  It's hard - but there's no way around it, and by then, you will do anything to get to the end of this.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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