Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Tue Oct 10 5:13 am  #1

Still Fresh

Well, where do I begin. Apologies for the long text, I just need to get it all out.
I have known my husband since I was 16.  We had mutual friends and met several times socially over the next few years until we both joined a local voluntary group.  We had moved houses and found we lived closer to each other and we became very close friends, so much so that it was generally thought by our family and friends that we were dating, when in fact we both had partners of our own.  After about two years of this our relationships broke down and we became closer.  It all came to a head one night when he was telling me about a girl he had met at a party and I became insanely jealous, and that is when it hit me, I couldn't live without this man.  We started dating, slowly and then more seriously.  It all became too intense and we split for 6 months...... 6 very miserable and lonely months for both of us and after a chance meeting at a training course, we got back together again.  6 months later I was pregnant with our son, who is now 16.  When I was pregnant we started living together and he was the most caring, attentive, wonderful partner I could ever have hoped, wished and prayed for.  We were incredibly happy, we both were.  We married when our son was 2 1/2 and then followed a couple of horrendously hard years when I suffered three miscarriages.  Again, my husband looked after me so tenderly and lovingly, and together we got through that.  If anything it brought us closer together.  Baby number 2 eventually arrived, in an exciting turn of events as she was unexpectedly born at home and my husband had to help deliver her.  Once again he stepped up and was wonderfully calm and helped bring our daughter into the world.  My first memories of my daughter is him holding her whilst weeping. And the long standing joke is that he has seen parts of me even I've never seen.
So fast forward a few years, all of which were happy and which included a move with his work.  I felt at that stage I had to give up my career as a nurse to support him and our family as we were moving to a very remote and isolated place and my children needed me at home.  Then my father became gravely ill whilst we were living away and again my husband stepped up and helped my dad with everything he needed.  He was so good with him, and me.  He held me, he kissed away the heartache and made love to me so tenderly when I need to be loved.  He kissed my dad goodnight when he passed and wept beside me when we buried him.  He was there to help my mum with everything she needed.
We moved back home again with his work and I gained employment within the same building.  We still work together albeit in different departments.  He is very dedicated to his work and it would appear there are reasons for that - it's the only place he can be without thinking of his sexuality, in his words, be normal.
All through our dating years and the majority of our marriage we have had a healthy and fulfilling sex life.  I have always had a higher sex drive than him, but he was a caring, loving and willing lover.  I have always struggled with my weight, especially after the kids came along, but he made me feel special and loved me no matter what.  Life goes on and with the kids, work and general life we probably became a little neglectful of each other, he had his interests and I became more of a stay at home person, mainly due to low self esteem and medical problems.  About 2 1/2 years ago I was aware that our sex life had become non existant and I spoke to him about it after several failed attempts and knockbacks.  He suggested he was unable to and maybe wrongly I jumped to the conclusion he meant because of medical issues.  I urged him to go to the doctor but he refused.  So for the past 2 1/2 years I have supported him and lived merrily as the supportive wife to a man I loved (and still love) unconditionally, my soulmate, but without sex.
Until 3 days ago (Saturday) when I was rubbing my hand on his naked thigh and discovered eggs and pubic lice.  I was rocked to the core and was in such shock as there could only be one reason he had them.  I didn't shout but gave him some medicine to clear them up and we avoided each other for the rest of the afternoon and then he went off to work.  I sat alone, thinking allsorts and eventually sent him a text explaining that I loved him deeply but that I felt a failure as a wife, a lover and a friend.  He took his time replying but eventually sent a text saying that is wasn't me, it was him and that he was so so sorry.  I thought i knew what he was saying.  I then got another saying he had lied and cheated and let his family down.  I needed to be with him, I needed to talk to him, hold him.  I asked him to say he was sick and come home from work but he wouldn't.  He was due to finish at 3am so I sat up and waited for him to come home.  By the time he was home, I could barely speak, I was feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach.  But I was just glad he had come home.
I asked him what was happening and he wept as he told me he had lied and cheated on me for the past 2 1/2 years (timed with the failure of our sex life).  However I wasn't prepared for the answer to my question of who?  Men and women.  Well, to put into context, one woman who he described as "a way to prove he was straight", followed by multiple men.  Men who he met online just for sex.  Some he has met several times, others just the once.  The last time being two weeks ago, the afternoon before I went away with work for a few days.  That was clearly the incident where he caught pubic lice.  My husband has never been one to talk candidly about his feelings, but that night he spoke the most honestly about things for the first time ever.  Between that night, the following day and yesterday when we took ourselves away from the kids for the afternoon, he has opened up to me and I to him.  We have been very honest about our feelings and especially him about how he has lived a lie his whole life.  
He feels ashamed of what he's done to me and the kids, I feel the shame of what people will think and how the kids will cope.  Our son is in a very important time at school and has exams coming up, our daughter is a very sensitive worrying little sole,  Both absolutely worship their dad.
I feel more disgusted at the thought of him with that one woman than the men if I am totally honest.  It doesn't do much for my self esteem. I wake up sad thinking of someone else (male or female) with their hands, mouths, whatever on my husband, doing intimate things to him that I thought only I was doing, albeit in the past.  I love my husband dearly and feel an overwhelming urge to have him close but I don't want to smother him or push him away.
We have talked things through as best we can with it still being so raw, and agree we still want to be together.  I cant stop loving someone I have loved and trusted for 19 years.  He admits he does love me, but is not in love with me as he is gay.  He has kept that hidden from everyone for nearly 50 years.  He says he had made a decision to tell me before he was 50 next year as he couldn't do this to me any longer.  If I am honest I always knew he was a bit different, we often joked about him being gay - how shite do I feel about that now - however it has totally broken me.  I feel a physical pain in my heart, like it has been broken into tiny pieces and a knot in my stomach that is all consuming.  I feel hurt for the kids and how they idolise him, and he adores them too so if they reject him in any way this will hurt him too.
We have agreed to try counselling to try and salvage some kind of relationship from this as we do want to stay together, most likely in a sexless supportive type relationship.  That may change in the future but for now that is our goal.  But we will also need to seek help for him coming to terms with his sexuality.  He has agreed to try and not be unfaithful but i know that he is going to struggle with that as one you've opened Pandoras Box it is hard to put the lid back on.  I just don't want to share him with anyone.  Especially with the risky behaviour he has been participating in (he has informed me he has been getting 3 monthly sexual health checks).
I can't find any support group for wives like me in Scotland, that's why I am here.  I'm not looking for sympathy or pity, just a sounding board and some advice from any couples that decided to stay with their partner and how it worked for them.


Tue Oct 10 9:54 am  #2

Re: Still Fresh

Hello Sad, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm sorry you are going through this hard time.  I'm also sorry there are not support groups in Scotland.  Hopefully we can be helpful to you. 

It sounds like your intent is to remain with him and salvage your relationship.  That is no easy task, but it can be done.  We have some members who are working toward the same goal, and I hope that you will hear from them soon with some advice. 

All I can recommend personally is that you realize the importance of honesty and boundaries.  I think you both need to consider what you feel is appropriate in terms of boundaries.. Is monogamy your expectation?  How will you go about re-establishing trust?  

I wish you the best.  Please don't feel bad about making a long post.  That's one of the great values of this group.. the ability to journal and share your feelings.. It's great therapy. 

Please let us know how we can help. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Tue Oct 10 12:59 pm  #3

Re: Still Fresh

Sorry you find yourself here, I hope the forum helps you to process what has happened. It has only been 3 days, it's so very early for you. Try and take some time for yourself to get some perspective. Try and remember that you had to discover this, he wasn't honest, I hear he says he was going to come out but you can't be sure that's true. He's also been unfaithful and could have put you at risk given whether this did really only start a couple of years ago and you two weren't having sex.

If you feel you want to make it work, do yourself the justice of taking a little time out first to contemplate what has happened before making immediate promises to work it through. You are definitely in shock, and that is a state of protection for us to shield us from all the detail and emotion until we have time to process and are more able to cope with what we've discovered.

Keep posting, even if it's just to get it out and have somewhere to vent.

Last edited by Duped (Tue Oct 10 1:00 pm)


Tue Oct 10 1:10 pm  #4

Re: Still Fresh

Sad in Scotland wrote:


Welcome SiS....I am in the middle of the same (I know....not exactly the same but both my man and I can't imagine life without the other in it) 
When your man is reserved about opening up and talking about issues..he might not realise the harm it's going to do to your relationship. My man hates having 'conversations' about his sexuality because he knows he's hurt me but prefers to sweep in under the rug and pretend it's not there. I think actually he regrets telling me anything, because now it has changed us totally, how I see him, how I touch him, look at him, think of him. 
Half the time I want to wave a magic wand and go back 5 years...the other half I realise I never can so *I* am the one who must change. That change can only be, I feel, to harden my heart against what will happen... un-love him, because he's no longer mine

Keep talking, interacting with SSN & this forum. There are good people here 
who know and feel for what you're going through


*between a rock and a hard place*

Tue Oct 10 7:27 pm  #5

Re: Still Fresh

I would also suggest looking into counseling options. Based on everything that you're related there is a lot for the both of you to talk about. Communication and commitment will be critical. Be well.


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