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Sun Oct 8 11:18 am  #11


Re: Are some people just broken?

I fear that too.  The anger and hurt.  These things ultimately will keep us stuck.  Forever bonded with our captors, locked in that closet, endlessly crying or raging or bargaining.  Trying to figure out what happened.  It’s like a bad car accident happening in slow motion.
Acceptance is the only way to peace but it’s not that simple.  I can’t will myself into a state of acceptance.  It’s a process, a messy agonizingly slow and painful process the timeline of which is undetermined.  The good news is it is finite. 
I comfort myself with the knowledge that one day I will wake up and this horror will not be the first thought I have.  I look forward to that day.

 

Sun Oct 8 12:56 pm  #12


Re: Are some people just broken?

Majenco, I feel your pain wholeheartedly. I am only three weeks in but the narcissism is evident - he is only concerned about who I have "outed" him to and what those around me are saying and thinking of him. He has told his family and friends absolutely nothing but yet remains the "victim" - poor me, don't you know how hard this is for me, I will come clean in my own time etc. I don't think he has any intention of coming clean to anyone. He is a successful, good looking man in his late 30's and I suspect he will find another unsuspecting woman as soon as he can and just continue living a double life.

Thank you all on this site for keeping me straight and giving me courage to end the lies and move on as my authentic self which I have always been. For 12 years, my every decision and thought has revolved around him and his needs. It was never about me and isn't now either. I am scared and nervous but know I cannot live a lie. I don't know if I will ever trust a man again, but being single has to be better than this.

 

Sun Oct 8 1:48 pm  #13


Re: Are some people just broken?

This thread it titled, "Are some people just broken?"  I remember thinking that I would never be happy, ever again.  My children would grow up with a broken mother, whom they only remembered as being without joy.  I thought, "This...this is too much for me."

Guess what?  Much to my surprise, this is Not too much for me.  After 24 years of marriage and 5 children, I am far, far happier now, post-divorce, than I ever was, when I was married to my GID spouse.  Strangely, I never knew how unhappy I had become.  

Sometimes, I wish that I had not deleted all of my posts, here.  I did, because I had been too transparent...given too many family details.  I decided that was unfair to my children.  If you read my old posts, you would see my journey...from dejected, desperate to have my ex "choose me", in shock, angry, bitter...to now.  I am finding a whole new life, now.  I am a single mom, newly back in the work force, after almost 20 years, as a SAHM.  I love being back at work and find the challenge invigorating.  Finances are horrible, as my career was teaching, and that pays horribly.  I will need to figure out a way to make more money, and I will.  I get almost no child support (long story), my house is not as nice as those I had before, my children have a single mom...I'm STILL happier than I ever was, when I was married.

I am shocked at that.  I thought I was happy.  Now, I know that I never was.  Now, I know that my ex was someone whom I never knew.

I am almost 2 years post-disclosure.  Has this been an easy journey?  Absolutely not.  The pain and struggle have been horrible.  My children have suffered excruciating pain, but I didn't cause that.  Having a GID father caused that pain for my children.  Honestly, I don't even judge my ex.  Sean, from this site, once said, "You need to have zero expectations of him."  That has helped.  Zero expectations are what I have.  I just try to be the best mom that I can be.  I'm so proud of my children and how they are learning from this.  They are taking care of each other and supportive of me.

I was broken.  I thought I was broken beyond repair.  Turns out that I am better than I ever was, during my marriage, which never was what I thought it was.

 

Sun Oct 8 2:07 pm  #14


Re: Are some people just broken?

That’s beautiful and so helpful JK.  Thank you for sharing the fact that we are not so broken we cannot be made whole again.

Last edited by majenco (Sun Oct 8 9:32 pm)

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Sun Oct 8 9:56 pm  #15


Re: Are some people just broken?

Majenco,

JK's post followed by yours really emphasizes the fact that yes, we aren't broken.  We are normal!  We can feel guilt and we aren't users or deceivers. We can recover and move on because we are fundamentally NORMAL.  They aren't. 

 

Mon Oct 9 8:50 am  #16


Re: Are some people just broken?

Hey guys...   if we start talking about ourselves..  I know  my ex is the broken one a but its doesn't stop me from feeling broken sometimes..   I mean I'm so much better now away from the hurt and abuse ..I thank God for getting me away from her.   But I'm distrustful of other people and myself..  it shook me to my core.    In time I will recover but for now I can say  I'm not who I was.  I never used to shake and mistrust everyone.. yet I am better in many other ways.  

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Mon Oct 9 9:15 am  #17


Re: Are some people just broken?

Hi Rob,
Yeah, for sure many of us have lingering trauma symptoms, but we are not human beings who think as they do (broken thinking).  So there is hope for us to recover.  Very slow process for some of us, I know.  

 

Mon Oct 9 9:32 am  #18


Re: Are some people just broken?

I agree I am not who I was..  I am working on getting back to that person but I don’t think I will ever be the same.  The issue of trust is now a huge question.  Not only for others but for myself.  I don’t trust myself to know others intent.  I don’t trust myself to know reality due to the gaslighting I endured.
For me the trauma has somewhat rewired my brain in a very unsettling way trapping me in a feedback loop of anxiety.  My husband once asked me “Where is the funny wife I used to have?”  As if laughing and joking could make this okay.  I responded “She’s back in 2016 with her straight husband..”
Not to be too indulgent here but I wrote this early on to try and describe how I feel...

I remember me
Laughing without a care
Trusting without the fear
Leaning into the sun
Then the rain came down
Washing that girl away
Dissolving into a stain
Swirling around the drain
Now am here a ghost
A whisper of once a laugh
Silence where I would shout
I wish I could let it out
But it's a dream,
It's a fog
I am someone not myself
I am becoming someone else
Not who I used to be
Just the girl who isn't me

Last edited by majenco (Mon Oct 9 9:35 am)

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Mon Oct 9 9:34 am  #19


Re: Are some people just broken?

Majenco, that poem is absolutely spectacular.  Thank you so much for sharing.   Promise me in a couple years you will come back and post another poem about finding yourself again.  

I would have to imagine that living a double life from the early teen years onward would cause a person to develop in a way that most would consider broken.  I think when the focus of a person's life becomes keeping a secret about themselves it causes that person to focus entirely on themselves.  When you focus on yourself entirely I think two things happen.  1. obviously, you become very selfish.  The world is about you alone.  2. you under-develop other skills related to loving other people and interacting with those you are close to.   If you are focused on hiding the real you, you never learn how to truly love another person.. how to put them first, how to be truly compassionate and caring.  Instead you learn to manipulate relationships for the purpose of hiding that secret.  That's the narcissism that is prevalent in our relationships.  (not all.. but many).   At the core of it all is simply selfishness.  They learned to protect themselves and manipulate those around them rather than learning what true love looks like.  True love is selfless. 

I do fear for many of us.  The trauma that Lynne mentioned is exactly right.  That is a real issue that we have to work through.  It can lead to brokenness.. but I think temporary.  I think at the core we are not broken.  It will take time to heal and time for the scars to lessen.  But eventually through all the pressure and heat we become diamonds.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Oct 9 9:45 am  #20


Re: Are some people just broken?

That’s a great point about how the hiding leads to self focus.  It comes down to the simple fact that without self love we have nothing left to offer others.  They cannot give what they do not possess.
I often have to remind myself that my husband says the right words but he is not like me inside.  When he says he loves me or that he’s sorry these words do not mean the same coming from him as they do from me. 
He probably means the words but they are not deeply ingrained in him due to his childhood and other issues etc.  I’m not attempting to excuse him but to help myself understand the disparity between our emotional maturity levels.
It’s like he’s struggling to give me all he’s got and he’s at a 3 and I require a minimum of 30.  There’s just no lining that up.

And Phoenix, I’m in a band so there are many songs and poems being written.  I hope someday there will be some more focused on healing.  I will definitely let you know.

Last edited by majenco (Mon Oct 9 1:52 pm)

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