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Tue Oct 10 1:37 pm  #21


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Brassyhub wrote:

The only possible way to continue in a relationship with a non-straight person is if there's trust and full disclosure.

 

That...is my personal hurdle. Wanting trust and disclosure...but 
doubting if I'm getting it from a man who doesn't like talking!! 

Could you post a link here...of the "short document" you speak of...?
 

Last edited by Ellexoh (Tue Oct 10 1:40 pm)


*....*
 

Tue Oct 10 1:48 pm  #22


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Hi all, I haven't been commenting here lately but how could I resist this topic.  [img]http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png[/img]

It's been my experience that this is not a supportive environment for MOM's or for LGBTQ in general, it's tolerated on some level here but mostly discouraged.  Kind of a 'if you're in a MOM or gay go to another forum' sort of attitude and clearly that is others' experience or we wouldn't be having this thread topic!  I recall about a year ago a woman coming here to seek help on how to tell her husband she's a lesbian (never cheated) in the kindest way she could and the comments were mean.  I still remember that because she reached out for help and was vilified and I felt terrible for her. 
 
My personal experience here is that I am a misfit of sorts, I do and I don't belong on MMOMW or Alternate Path forums because of the situation I'm in, but I don't find real support here either but I still check in here from time to time out of curiosity.  I'm 1.5 yrs post discovery and despite overwhelming evidence my partner claims to be straight despite other actions (no infidelity that I am aware of).  

Being a member of MMOMW and AP I can tell you there are people over there that are extremely happy in their relationships I think it's due to the open communication they have.  It's not because they are all trapped due to age or finances.  

This is a good first stop upon that shocking discovery but I wish it was more inclusive.  I don't expect people to 'blow smoke up my a#$' but resist the urge to comment if you're comment isn't insightful or helpful in anyway.

Vicky


 
 

Tue Oct 10 1:53 pm  #23


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Thanks for posting Vicky. 

I think the question and criticism is valid and I think we have room to improve.  I appreciate you sharing your viewpoint and I hope that we can become more supportive of everyone. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Oct 10 1:59 pm  #24


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

I don't think it's that this board doesn't want to be supportive to people who choose to stay in their M.O.M. - but I do think that the current mix of individuals here don't think it's the best course of action for most, and so they naturally can't really offer too much support in that area.  So the person who wants encouragement to be in a M.O.M. doesn't get the type of encouragement they want and need.  Which is why it's often suggested that they might be better supported on a M.O.M. site - because it's likely to better meet their needs.  I think that's the entirety of the "problem" here.  It's just a mis-match in what our typical poster thinks/offers advice on vs. the type of support that a MOM poster needs.  That's.IT.

I'm not even sure it can be fixed without getting some more people in M.O.M.s here.  I'm not opposed to that.  We can be attempt to be more supportive by being more kind and gentle, and by accepting that others will have a different view of marriage than we do.  I think there's some here that feel somewhat neutral about MOMs - like,.... maybe it could work, but it didn't work for me.  Or I didn't want that.  There are also others here who feel that a MOM doesn't align with what they view true marriage as.  And if that's their view, then there likely can't be much authentic support going on of the actual MOM - even if we're attempting to support the poster themselves.  It's just kind of the nature of the beast.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Oct 10 4:44 pm  #25


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

The people who visit this forum mostly are people who have learned that their spouse or partner has a same-sex attraction and are having difficulty sorting out where this leaves them. One way to maintain a mixed-orientation marriage is to not know that you have one: to ignore things that seem odd and to accept all explanations. Those doing this however would not come to this site.

Visitors here have passed this point, whether because evidence has been laid out before them inadvertently; because they have snooped or because the spouse or partner has admitted it. Some want to continue the relationship but find that the spouse or partner is not willing to do the work that both would need to do to rework their relationship. Some decide that this changes the relationship too much and they want out. Each is on his or her own journey and the choices made initially may change as time goes on.

What I think those of us who have been around for awhile are trying to do is encourage those who find themselves in this situation to think of their own needs in the relationship and take some time alone in order to think clearly. I think that we generally agree with the LGBTQ community that sexual orientation is not a choice so we do discourage visitors from thinking that there is a program or group that will "make it go away."

There probably are not many posters here who have made a MOM work long-term so if that is a visitor's goal s/he likely will get more benefit from a MOM website.  

 



.

 

Tue Oct 10 5:22 pm  #26


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Abby wrote:

What I think those of us who have been around for awhile are trying to do is encourage those who find themselves in this situation to think of their own needs in the relationship and take some time alone in order to think clearly. I think that we generally agree with the LGBTQ community that sexual orientation is not a choice so we do discourage visitors from thinking that there is a program or group that will "make it go away."
.

I'm sure that to actually be able to pull off a "successful" MOM the straight partner must accept that the LGBT partner is not going to change orientation/identity. They must have open communication and agree on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. And they must have a relationship that can transcend the MO part. Not easy. I freely admit my ex and I did not, her coming out was more like the last straw. 

It is not always smooth sailing and sometimes they need to vent or ask advice. Sometimes they need to hear from people who have been able to maintain a MOM. I know there are few here, in part because they tend to get discouraged. I would ask the members of this board to be understanding, If you don't have something helpful to say, refrain from posting on topics about this issue. 
 

 

Wed Oct 11 6:38 am  #27


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

My ten cents on this topic.

1. We are not counsellors, but men and women who suffocated in dark closets and cannot separate ourselves from our experiences and emotions.  We are not trained to stay objective even if we would want to support those who want to stay.  At some point I was trying to see if I can stay and make it work, so I did not visit this site for a long time in order to keep a clear mind about my own situation.  I, for one, can never understand when you are unhappy/dissatisfied/sad about something and not actively do something to change that.  When I found that I could not work it out with my ex, I decided to divorce and went ahead and did it.  Question is, how long will someone who is willing to stay in a MOM suffer and bleed to put their partner's need first?  How long are you ought to stay and try making something work before you can say it will never work? A month, a year, 20 years? Through what will you have to put yourself before you can say this is not helping me to be the best person I can be?  What do you say to someone in a situation like that?  I would eventually say:  Cut the cr*b or get over yourself.  And it will not sit good with them, I can imagine.

2.  Maybe we can open an Index or sub index under support for people in MOMS?  

3. Phoenix, i think between you and Sam you're doing a great job.  As to how you ended the previous discussion that lead to this thread shows that you are doing what you can.  But you will not be able to manage every single post.  I do think that people on here are civilised.  

PS:  Read Brassyhub's story in My Stories.
 

Last edited by Mrs Lonely (Wed Oct 11 8:20 am)

 

Wed Oct 11 11:24 am  #28


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

I've found a missed bit of what I wanted to post, so here it is:
I've come and gone here, I see, from my posts. On all the sites that I've found, bar two, there have been some rather insensitive posts: 'you'll have to leave sooner or later, so better sooner,' 'she's bound to be cheating on you,' 'you deserve better...' It's hard for us all not to offer advice based on our own experience. And clearly, most MOMs are doomed. There's no will on BOTH sides to make them work. That's the basic requirement; that, and absolute honesty on both sides.

The two sites where I feel totally at home are the Yahoo MonMOM group, only 252 members... https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/MonMOM/info
but mostly straights struggling to stay monogamous with their less straight partners. Pretty quiet most of the time, and I've found there two other men married to lesbians staying in a monogamous relationship. And the other is the MOM forum on the Gay Christian Network: http://community.gaychristian.net/groups/M-O-M where it's mostly gays and lesbians, but with a lot of compassion and understanding for the few straights hanging in there. We ARE a minority of a minority of a minority. Straight men, married to lesbians, and staying. So it's no good pretending that this isn't going to be seriously hard.

I'm certainly happy to stay here, and to answer any more questions. Virtual communities on the Web are the only communities that people like me will ever know, I suspect.

 

Wed Oct 11 3:39 pm  #29


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Mrs Lonely wrote:

We are not counsellors, but men and women who suffocated in dark closets and cannot separate ourselves from our experiences and emotions.  We are not trained to stay objective even if we would want to support those who want to stay. 

Exactly... and we recently added that disclaimer to our banner.


Mrs Lonely wrote:

Question is, how long will someone who is willing to stay in a MOM suffer and bleed to put their partner's need first?  How long are you ought to stay and try making something work before you can say it will never work? A month, a year, 20 years? Through what will you have to put yourself before you can say this is not helping me to be the best person I can be?  What do you say to someone in a situation like that? 

Sometimes, it is obvious that a new person is in that state. Suffering, bleeding, being used. Here's my fear: People will say "get out now", the new person will get his/her back up, leave and when the inevitable happens will not come back for fear of being told "I told you so". You decided to come back and I'm glad you did. In other cases maybe the person may have a relationship worth saving. Kel's tagline may not apply in all cases, in some, the person isn't asked to set him/herself on fire.

I would make an exception for someone who is being physically or psychologically abused. In that case "Get out now" is the only answer.

Mrs Lonely wrote:

 Maybe we can open an Index or sub index under support for people in MOMS?   

I've been thinking about that. I suspect it would require a lot of moderation.

 

Wed Oct 11 11:22 pm  #30


Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

I like the idea of a section for MOMs - why do you think it would need a lot of moderating?  wouldn't it just have posts from people in MOM's trying to support each other to stay married?

If someone is worried they'll be told I told you so if they come here for support to leave after saying they want to stay then really why would they be thinking of coming here!  Apart from a few young ones who got out after a few years most of us have done years in MOM's, why on earth would we say I told you so - aren't we the ones who understand?

and aren't we allowed to change our minds?

I changed my mind about wanting to be married, I am a monogamous person - it was a long and painful process.  And I am glad I was able to come here and be supported in that and not told I should give it another go.

I like the idea of a section for people who want to stay in their MOM.  They can always change their mind.  They can get the support they are looking for.

Last edited by lily (Wed Oct 11 11:24 pm)

 

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