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Fri Oct 6 3:32 pm  #11

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

I just meant that 99/100 times, we here on this board tell them to leave.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Fri Oct 6 6:11 pm  #12

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

I would hope this could be a supportive board for all. Many times when you find yourself in this situation though and go through the horrors of it all.. you learn.. If some people can make it work, good for them. I myself find by reading here and in my own situation, that in many cases you have to give up so much or ALL or yourself to do such when the truth is out. You've already been feeling off in your relationship and ignored or abused for years at this point. You've been lied to if you find out on your own accord and if they admit it you are lucky in a way, but still shocked to the very core of your being. World turned upside down!

I have been here for much to long myself. Looking everyday at the misery that comes with this soul destroying revelation. I wish I could/would just move ahead. NOW! However I have so many different variables in my life that prevent it at present. For me it's a constant needing on my families part for children and grandchildren. It's not being able to support myself and not wanting to take my husband for all I can in court even if I had the money to do such. It's how can I pay for my medicines if he or I leave..

I think this happens alot. The constant and continual weight and balance that you juggle to come up with a workable solution. This is just my opinion on this topic

I know for ME, I come here for a reason and it is NOT for someone to tell me how to work it out. I can't work this out to the way a marriage ( imo ) should be. My vision of marriage! I KNOW this. It's impossible. I see that everyday I find myself still here. I needed topic I imagine. But if someone cannot find help here they are able to find help in other forums of SSN. Good Luck to All!!


Fri Oct 6 6:19 pm  #13

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Great thread, appreciate the input. I’m hearing you. Just don’t like to be specifically called out, this post didn’t name me, you’re assuming based on other posts and that wasn’t fair. I can imagine that y’all want to save anyone the pain you went through and I appreciate that. My case is different in that I knew everything before I even met him, my DDay was prior to ever meeting in person. It’s just that I guess we were both naive in thinking it would just go away because we wanted it to. Both me and him are learning what this all means, it’s not simple or easy. Thank you everyone.


Fri Oct 6 10:13 pm  #14

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Hi Sam, 

Just want to clarify - you reckon a sizeable number stay together and I agree with you but I don't think it is because they 'make it'.  From what I witness and I see a lot of it round me - as long as both of them want to stay married it works as well as it does for as long as it does but I don't see any ease of friendship, let alone the intimacy of a good marriage.  

In my own experience - I came to accept our emotions were becoming increasingly toxic, whatever I did, however friendly or distant a housemate I made.  

I get it.  I really do.  I was lucky enough to be able to buy my own place.  But if I hadn't been able to move then I would have stayed in the studio and filed for divorce anyway.  We needed not to be married.  I put 40 years into that marriage, 19 to 59.  It is very painful to recover from. 

And then there was that harrowing story here of the disabled woman who discovered her husband was gay and this was the second time he had married a disabled woman.  He was very unkind to her and she was helpless and had to stay.  well she doesn't post here now but she is not an example of 'making it'.  

When people turn up here I tend to assume it is because they are having problems in their marriage.  

And just want to add OOHC and Duped - I thought your posts on the earlier thread were sensitive, respectful, kindly and helpful.


Sat Oct 7 6:47 am  #15

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Thank you Lily

I think it needs to be remembered that when new people come here for support that those of us who try and give it are still fighting our own battles, whilst also trying to give back some of the amazing support that we received here at the start.

So, for example, for me - it is unrealistic that I can support someone to stay in a relationship with a crossdresser or gay in denial given that I have spent 9 months fighting against much of what I hear others are deciding to accept from their partners. I hear the excuses and patterns in other people’s stories and think hey this is exactly why I left, because I’m not prepared to deal with this stuff and the lies (there are always more lies even when they are dishing out crumbs of honesty) and the sadness and worry I had when I was unknowingly in that sort of relationship. To be in it knowingly to me is unfathomable, I would lose my mind if I took that path, I already almost had.

I think there’s a distinction between those who are here who ideally want out but for financial reasons or circumstances cannot leave or those who accept they live with a gay spouse and are not yet in a position to leave and those who know what is happening but want to believe that things are going to change, that the attraction to same sex can be worked through or that the spouse is going to become what they want or are willing to accept the sexuality at odds when it leaves them feeling less than they deserve to feel.

I am so grateful for those here who said it like it was when I arrived here, Kel, Sham, OOHC, particularly for me.

I know there are also good, helpful people here who are still in MOMs but I have always felt that they too understand and support us leaving and offer help where they can through their experiences of staying.

I can only be true to myself, if I feel someone is making excuses or in denial themselves I will say, I can’t support someone to stay where they clearly seem unhappy, surely that is a core role for us here.

Last edited by Duped (Sat Oct 7 6:48 am)


Sat Oct 7 7:38 am  #16

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

   Thank you, Lily.  I, like Duped, write from the perspective of my own experience and my own journey, and my comments and perspective reflect that. In my comments I'm not always as dispassionate, and am sometimes uncompromising. 

     In one of my first posts I said I registered for the network because I knew it was a step in moving away from my marriage and I wanted to post and to read others's posts and to hear from them in order to keep me on track and from backsliding.  I used the forum and the community to help me move ahead and to keep me honest. At this point, having seen a lawyer and told my mother (which will defintely keep me on track!), I don't think I need the SSN to keep me pointed in the right direction.  I'm so very grateful to all who helped me, either by direct comments on my posts (whether supportive or challenging), or by their example, and through telling their own stories.

   Given that I've now made my decision to end the marriage, although like Forever Fooled I can't act on it just yet (until I get a medical problem resolved), lately I've been wondering whether I should continue here at the SSN.  For the last few weeks, I haven't, for example, been posting about my frustrations or my questions or my struggles or insights; I've been commenting on others' threads and posts, speaking from and detailing my own past experience and journey.  But when I see that what I have to say isn't helpful or welcome--or is taken as an attack--I tend to think maybe it's time for me to move on and off the SSN.  (I don't say this so others will rush in and reassure me--please don't; Lily's unsolicited assurance was generously given and gratefully received.)  I'm going to open one more new thread, for those who plan to end their relationships but for reasons outside their control--mostly financial--can't yet (or can't at all), to ask how best to cope until we can leave (if we can leave).  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Sat Oct 7 7:40 am)


Sat Oct 7 9:54 am  #17

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

My thoughts are that this forum is about surviving and ending up healthier and happier by the end of the journey. How each one of us gets there will be different. That being said, I can only speak what truth I know. In all good conscience I cannot advise someone on how to make it work out because I don't know how that's done. I cannot hide the obstacles I saw and have heard from others. Most of us have had enough deception and false promises in our pasts. We shouldn't provide more of them here but, if someone decides to make a go of it, I think it helps if they are forewarned with the knowledge we can provide. Support sometimes includes hearing what you don't want to and I think that's OK as long as we are kind to each other.


Tue Oct 10 8:31 am  #18

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

We all need places where we can tell our stories, share our pain, be heard. There are, of course, common elements. But as we listen to each other, we also need to acknowledge that each situation is different; one size does not fit all. Others do not need to make the choices that we made.

As a straight man, married for the best part of a lifetime to a woman who took years to understand and admit to her lesbian attractions, yes, there are fora that I've left because I was treated as an idiot for staying. Told that the quicker I get out the better; that there are hot women out there just waiting to hop into bed with me... I'm not sure if there's a place here where we can post documents? I've written a short document on all the different web sites and books that I've found and consulted. Any help to anyone? You can always pm me, giving an e-mail, and I can send it to you.

There are no easy roads. But for some of us, it may really be too late to start again. The pain of leaving, of breaking a relationship that still has many good things in it, may really be far greater that the pain of staying. I'm not a fool, and I do fully trust my wife. She's NOT looking elsewhere, and neither am I. Though our marriage vows have explicitly changed from 'till death do us part', to add 'or until one or the other finds a new love, which we're not excluding, but we're not looking for it'.

The only possible way to continue in a relationship with a non-straight person is if there's trust and full disclosure.


Tue Oct 10 10:12 am  #19

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

I appreciate everyone's honest and sincere responses to this discussion.  I hope we can continue this conversation.  I think it's very good for the group. 

The forum is a collection of voices.  The tone of voice of the forum is typically determined by which voices speak most.  I think in recent months the more prevalent voices have been those who have found that divorce is the best option for them, and as such, the advice they (myself included) offer is typically the belief that walking away is the best course of action.  This is not bad advice from those who give it.. it's genuine and comes from a place of support in the best way each of these people know.  At other times in the history of this group (going back to prior forum versions) the prevalent voice has been different and there has been more input from those who are staying. 

What I hope to see come from this discussion is a little more balance in the voices.  I' d love to see some additions to the ranks of those who support staying in the marriage to make it work.  Having more voices from each side would provide more balance. 

I think we can find some balance in how each of us prefaces our advice as well.  Those who believe from personal experience that divorce is the best option might be a little more open to those who wish to stay.  Conversely, those who believe staying is the best option might concede that in the end divorce might have turned out best.  

The goal is for this group to support everyone.  Let's be sure we don't alienate or drive away someone who has a different approach.  I think it's more than fair to share our experience and strong beliefs, but at the same time acknowledging that what happened to us might not be the same for others. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

     Thread Starter

Tue Oct 10 10:35 am  #20

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?


Thank you for sharing. Yes, this isn’t one size fits all. And I’ve heard the same thing about being a catch and men would be lining up for me, I believe that and I am a catch and good looking. But relationships aren’t that simple, over my lifetime (before and in between my 3 marriages) I’ve probably slept with 100 men, most of that was pretty empty and I couldn’t care less about some man wanting to have sex with me, I want someone who loves me and wants to build a life with me. Sex is really only great in the context of a deep emotional connection, which I have with my husband. It isn’t simple, but there is full disclosure, honesty, and acceptance.

We both did some pretty messed up stuff in the past and it hasn’t been easy to process, but we are in a good place now and the past is forgiven. We are moving forward and are monogamous (he’s never actually been with a man, all fantasy, I’m the one that cheated because it was all so overwhelming, even though I knew everything before meeting him). We were both so naive 5 years ago, not understanding that the shame and feelings wouldn’t completely go away even though we loved each other and got married. It’s gotta be ok that he has these feelings, he can share them with me and take the power away from them. He is attracted to me and loves me, these SSA feelings don’t take away from me or our relationship as long as he’s open about it.

We both continue in individual therapy and marriage counseling. We have something special in this marriage and we don’t want to throw it away, and it’s not because we are stuck financially or for the kids, we choose to be together. We have so much fun together traveling, seeing bands play, hiking, hanging out watching tv, hanging out with my kids and family, doing chores, doing life.


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