Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Tue Oct 3 4:16 pm  #1

Who wears the make up in this relationship?

Being female, I've done my share of wearing make up, but as years go by, I am more comfortable not wearing make up.  Now he is going to a make up consultant and buying a wig. This is a surprise to me this year, after decades of me thinking he was just a regular guy. I've never gotten a manicure, or worn false eyelashes...He owns more heels and women's panties than I ever owned in my life, much to my surprise (he hid them from me in a storage unit).  This dynamic in our relationship is a newsflash to me...I just never knew. And I for one, am still STRAIGHT. What in the heck am I supposed to do now?


Wed Oct 4 10:46 am  #2

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

You guys need to talk. Does he just like to crossdress or does he want to be a female? Is he attracted to men? Wow, pretty major to have a storage unit, my husband has hid things over the years, threw it all away thinking he didn’t want to do it anymore, then starting over, didn’t tell me and I come home to him asleep in lingerie and I’m thinking WTF, lol. That’s the crazy part, I’m totally ok with him cross dressing and it’s fun to go out with him to clubs. Just be open and quit going back and forth on it. Took us a long time, and still working on all our (his) issues. Truth is so important...


Wed Oct 4 11:45 am  #3

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

I agree with OCJamie - you need to talk.  First and foremost is his desire to hide this from you.  If he thinks it's so bad, then why's he even doing it?  If he thinks it's something he wants to embrace, then he should be able to talk to you about that.

You need to discuss boundaries for this behavior.  If you're turned OFF by him being in women's clothing, then you should make it known that you don't want to see him that way.  And that you have ZERO interest in playing a lesbian to his tranny.  If he wants to transition, then you're in a whole other ballgame.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Thu Oct 5 2:32 am  #4

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

We all keep saying we want honesty and the truth is so important. But we don’t get it. It’s as simple as that. Yes the truth is the most important thing. But I’ll tell you what, you aren’t gonna get it. Ever.


Fri Oct 6 5:35 am  #5

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

Maybe you’re not going to get the truth from someone who doesn’t want to be with you. I feel like I’m getting the truth from my husband now. It’s been a long hard road, but we are getting there.

Some people are pathological, not all. If you approach subjects with love and understanding I think it’s possible to get to the truth with a person who is basically a good person but confused. This shit isn’t easy, who wants to admit to this crap? We are what we are and feel what sexual feelings we feel, they aren’t wrong or bad. Try not to judge and just see where their head is at. Maybe you aren’t a match, maybe you are. Talk talk talk!!


Fri Oct 6 6:52 am  #6

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

OC Jamie
I have noticed in your posts that sex--behavior, and enjoyment--seems to be the measure for you.  If it's good sex, then the relationship is good.  If your partner likes having sex with you, then your partner loves you. 

   Well, I had a lot of weird--and yes, exciting and satisfying--sex with my husband while he was indulging his desire to feminize himself.  I lived for months in a contact high from his over-the-top embrace of the pink fog. 

But sex takes place in a context: all that sex never meant he loved me, only that I was of use to him in helping him enjoy himself in his guise as a woman; he appreciated me making myself available to be a prop in his play and mirroring back to him his fantasy of himself.  

    For a long time my line was that he was "basically a good person but confused," and I lived in hope that eventually he'd come to his senses.  Well, he hasn't.  He won't.  He can't. 

    But I can and I have. Given the things he's said to me, and the way he's willing to sacrifice me to his closet, whether he's "a good person but confused" or not, it's clear to me that sex itself tells you very little about whether a person is "a match" or not.  

 It sounds to me as if you have made up your mind: you're staying in.  So I guess you don't really need the Forum for support anymore.


Fri Oct 6 7:17 am  #7

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

We all know the quality of sex means nothing in relation to love for men. Men have amazing sex with people they don’t know or care about. Yes I’m sure lots of women do too, but not me.

I think my ex would have been thrilled if we’d carried on exploring his desires, in fact he said he’d started to consider a real future with me once we started that. SO..BEFORE I started doing what he needed he was wishy washy about our future. So until I unwittingly pretended to play a man’s role in bed and he secretly imagined himself dressed as a woman he hadn’t considered us as “a forever thing’. So my place in his future depended on my ability to bend to his needs. Well yes, I could have carried on and done what he needs and maybe secured a more permanent place in his life. But based on my role in satisfying his need for anal sex? THAT was a game changer for him? REALLY? Not based on my constant love, support, honesty, character and personality? Not to mention my regular sexual advances for sex which didn’t get me far. No it only changed when the insertion of plastic things happened. Plus NONE of this was told to me at the time.

I don’t think any of them are honest even with themselves let alone us. I think there are times that we are naive or stupid enough to believe they are honest. But I think we are playing a desperate game where they feed a little bit of truth and we lap it up not knowing the real extent.

Jamie if you think you are emotionally and sexually compatible and you both are getting your needs met including that you feel at peace and trusting and that your life isn’t just revolving around his needs, if you are happy that’s great but I fail then to understand why you are seeking support here?


Fri Oct 6 7:29 am  #8

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

Hi ladies,

I’m kind of surprised that my need for support is based on whether or not I’m trying to work it out with my husband. I don’t really know what to say to that. Our lives are not based on sex, what I’m saying is that if my husband was completely gay and not sexually attracted to me then it would be a deal breaker, of course.

The last 5 years have been a roller coaster ride and I’m not entirely sure it will work out, my hope and his hope is that it will.


Fri Oct 6 7:32 am  #9

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

Jamie, do you not think he is struggling with it enough to suggest that he is completely gay? You said he can look at you naked and nothing happens yet when you talk about men or show him videos of them masturbating that he’s ready to go.

I heard the “not completely gay” thing too. I think it’s nonsense when the only way they enjoy sex is if they are acting out gay sex.


Fri Oct 6 7:44 am  #10

Re: Who wears the make up in this relationship?

I think there are many factors at play, not just his sexuality. Our sex is generally not involving any type of gay stuff. I’m sure he is working through things, his attraction to men and why he has it. The bottom line is that right now in this present moment, he wants to be in this marriage and with me. We keep talking and talking and talking. He doesn’t want to be a woman, he doesn’t want to be with men, he wants to be with me and I want to be with him.

I don’t know why it’s so awful that I’m ok with his feelings? Now if he suddenly decides he has to go live some gay life, we will hopefully have continued talking about that and it won’t be some big sneaky surprise. I’m ok with all his feelings as long as he’s not trying to hide shit and as long as my feelings and my goals and desires in life are part of the equation.

Maybe stuff I posted earlier wasn’t fair to him, maybe I read things into what was going on because we had other issues or because at the time he was holding back on telling me how he was feeling about things and it made this huge gap in our relationship. When we are talking and being open and honest everything is different and things are pretty good. Right now we are in a good place.


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