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August 1, 2016 2:59 am  #1


Husband recently came out as Bi....

I am not even sure where to start. The past 7 months have been a complete roller coaster of feelings and emotions. This might be long.. I just have so much floating around in my head that I need to get out.. I am hoping that writing all of this down will help me breath again. Sorry in advance if I ramble.

We've been together for 6 years but have known each other for 15. We just celebrated our one year anniversary last week. We have two children together. 3 years, and 2 months. 
When I was four months pregnant with our son my husband came out to me as bi-sexual. I don't think he was ready to come out.. but after catching him browsing gay porn, and men seeking men ads on craigslist he didn't have much of a choice. I have experienced being with other women in my past, though I've never dated another woman so I am not really sure what category I would fall into.. either way I don't judge when it comes to the LGBT community. I 100% support people loving whoever they want. I knew how difficult it was for him to come out to me.. he hadn't really even admitted it to himself yet. I was definitely blindsided but wanted to be supportive. I love him and didn't want him to feel ashamed. A LOT of conversations took place after that. He came to terms with who he is and was really curious to explore the desires he had been in denial about for so many years. He also decided he wanted to come out to other people.. which was a very hard pill for me to swallow. I felt by him letting other people know.. in a way he was just letting them into our bedroom, but I know he needed support from more than just me so I bit my tongue. He came out to a handful of people. When he told me he wanted to come out to his parents I started becoming concerned that he wasn't just Bi-Sexual... that he was actually gay and just testing the waters with how people would react.. using me as his safety net. I expressed my feelings to him in that regard but he would just deny deny deny. He insists that he loves me and our life together, that he is very much attracted to me.. and can't deny his attraction to women in general. He seems very sure (or at least this is what he wants me to think) that he is in fact bi-sexual. I have told him how can he be sure about something he has never even experienced before? What if he does explore his feelings, and realizes I am not what he wants? This has gotten brought up many times in our talks. It boils down to me being scared of losing him. I am scared of wasting my time on someone who truly is not in love with me. And to be honest it's daunting that I can not fulfill all of his wants/needs.I guess I should mention that shortly before we were married we started swinging. I hate admitting this because I feel like people will think if I don't care about him having sex with other people (women) then why care if his is bi-sexual.. just swing with another bi couple.. or have a threesome with another man. It is just.. not the same thing in my eyes I guess. Swinging wasn't something we needed to be happy together.. but him exploring his sexual desires with another man was quickly becoming something he NEEDED to be happy. I wasn't ready for that. So we resorted to toys.. anal play.. I even bought a strap on to satisfy him. I will admit at first I enjoyed pleasing him.. knowing I was making him happy made me happy. But once I used the strap on I knew I was in over my head. It wasn't something I enjoyed doing so after the first time I tried avoiding it, and just resorted to the toys. Our sex life and his sexuality quickly become the forefront of every argument.I didn't use the strap on enough.. I didn't use the toys or give him anal play enough. Me avoiding it just made him more insecure, and his desire to experience the "real thing" was getting stronger. We were no longer swinging at this point because I was pregnant, but he kept pushing to meet a bi couple, or bi man to mess around with. I thought maybe if I just entertained the idea of him talking to another bi-sexual man.. someone he could relate to and flirt with that would be enough for a little while. But that wasn't the case. I was included in the conversations with him and this other man.. sort of a 3-way sexting if you will. But once they started talking about meeting I told him I wasn't comfortable sleeping with another man while I was pregnant. So then the talk of him meeting another man for a one on one came up. I tried to convince myself I could handle it and I told myself he deserved it. I thought I would be a bad wife.. A bad person if I did not support him and give him what he needed. So he started talking to another man, and it didn't take long for it to completely consume him. Shortly after he was asking me if he could go out one night to meet him and I just broke down. I couldn't handle it. So they just continued their relationship through texting and phone calls. But it was killing me to see him light up over someone else not to mention putting me on the back burner. So we got into another fight over it and he stopped talking to him completely. After I had our son post-partum set in. I was so depressed my mom came and stayed with us for a month to help around the house and with our baby. The last thing on my mind was my husbands need to sleep with another man. This caused many arguments, and my depression left him feeling neglected in general. I'm currently taking an anti-depressant.. and feeling better. But every time his sexuality gets brought back up it puts me in a very dark place. Last week he admitted to me that he had started talking to another man again. And he didn't want to tell me and ruin our anniversary.. so he told me the day after. I have been so.. sad over all of this for so long that I think I've moved onto the anger stage. I am getting bitter and starting to resent him. How dare he start talking to another man behind my back right before we were supposed to celebrate a year of marriage together?! This of course started yet another fight. He was under the impression that it was ok to talk to other men.. I just wasn't ok with him meeting them. So I clarified my feelings once again and told him I am not ok with him talking to other men. I am not ok with him texting/sending pictures. And I don't want to have a threesome with him and another man. I am ok with swinging... It's something I know I can handle because we've already done it. I basically ended up giving him an ultimatum. He either needs to be in this marriage 100% with me, or we need to take a break so he can go explore whatever it is he feels he needs right now. The ultimatum him made him angry but he chose me. I should be happy about this.. but after everything we've been through these last 7 months I just don't know how to feel anymore. Now I am just paranoid that he will end up going behind my back. He says he is ok with my terms because swinging is still in the equation.... but when/if we start swinging again I don't know if I can handle watching him with another man. Once again I feel like a bad person for this.. but the thought of watching him get on all fours and be taken by another man is not appealing to me. And I am scared to death to tell him that because I don't want him to be ashamed. We all like what we like.. I guess I can't help that it's not something I am into.. but it makes me question myself. Do I truly support the LGBT community? If I did.. wouldn't all of this just be so much easier for me? 
He isn't a bad person. I know he loves me. This hasn't been easy on him either.. he is scared I think of him differently now.. he thinks I wish that he never came out in the first place.. he doesn't want me to see him as less of a man.. and he feels awful for hurting me. He claims had I told him from the beginning I wasn't ok with him talking to other men he never would have even gone down that path. I guess that is my own fault.. thinking I could handle it. I just... I am so lost right now. I feel numb. I wish that he could have been honest with me about this from the very start of our relationship. I wish that he could have been honest with himself from the moment he started having feelings for other men. The fact that this is all so new to him is to intense for me to handle. He is very driven by his curiosity right now.. and had he done all this in the past it wouldn't be such a prominent issue in our marriage. 
Do I stay? Do I go? I know no one can answer that for me. But it is a question I have been asking myself for months. I hate feeling the way I do. I hate that I doubt him, that I don't trust him anymore. What is a relationship without trust?
Now I am just rambling.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this. 
 

 

August 1, 2016 9:21 am  #2


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

Welcome.  First, I'd like to point out something you said at the very end of your story. "Do I truly support the LGBT community"?  I'd like to answer that with: who cares??!!  This is not about them!!  The problem you're having is a) you've been scooped up into political correctness and b) it's not allowing you to ascertain the difference between a husband cheating vs. having an internal struggle.  I don't care who is gay or lesbian!  Never did.  I like you or not like you based on how you are to the people around you.  Love whoever you want....but don't lie to me.  Don't sneak gay porn in behind my back or text with someone you want to hook up with.  That just took it from an LGBT issue to a plain cheater issue or someone who wants it both ways (pun intended) .  The problem is that once it's cloaked in the "I'm gay" thing, it warps our thinking into places it shouldn't even go.  It warps into: maybe I'm not accepting enough, maybe I'm not understanding enough.  No - maybe our gay-in-denial spouses should have picked one or the other before getting married.  Or, if they really were confused then just not picked anyone at all until they were sure. 

Your struggle is with a partner who wants to be with someone else.  Take everything else out of it. Swinging is one thing.....(correct me if I'm wrong since I've never done it) you typically have two couples who agree it's purely sex and no one is looking to develop a relationship outside of their relationship.  But in your situation he's trying to equate looking for men with being the same thing as swinging.  It's not.  He's looking to see if he will eventually want a relationship.  Right now your life should be babies and taking shifts and working through the troubles of not sleeping all night.  NOT catching your husband sexting with another man. 

It's totally up to you.  And that's the hard part.  Soooo many times I asked this forum (years ago) what do I do.  The unanimous answer was to go, quickly.  But you can't do it until you're ready.  I couldn't do it until I felt I exhausted every avenue.  All I did was succeeded in wasting four years.  If this is his mindset when there's a new baby and there's things to go and bonding to be had with his wife and child then what do you think he will be doing when things calm down and go back to normal?  It will only get worse.

I'm sorry you're here.  You have all the facts.  Now you just have to make the difficult choice of whether or not this is what you want your life to be. 

 

August 1, 2016 4:01 pm  #3


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

Hi DeeAnn.  I'm so sorry for what you've been going through.  It truly sounds very traumatizing.  But you're in the right place.

I think your situation is complicated by the fact that you were okay with swinging, but not with him being with men.  It makes the waters a bit.... muddy.  I find it difficult to imagine sharing my husband with anyone - male or female, so it's difficult to give you advice on that.  But I will say that typical swingers aren't all into texting each other and chatting ahead of time, are they?  Otherwise you wouldn't need the damned swingers party - you could just look online for couples.  The parties take the connection out of it, which is what's agreed up is needed to stay happily married - sex with others being just sex, but sex with each other requiring connection.  If you don't meet someone ahead of time and have never talked with them in any manner before, (and will not do so afterward), it takes the possibility of connection out of the equation.  By chatting and talking to and sending pic to someone else (whether the same sex or not), it's building a connection - which is something that you don't want.  He KNOWS that.  He's just trying to get away with this without it looking like he's breaching the unspoken contract.  He's hoping you'll believe the lie, so he can do what he wants and you have no "right" to be angry and/or upset.

Now, let me speak for a moment about him coming out as bi.  WHAT, exactly, is the point of that?  I mean, think about it.  He's a married man, and he's intending to stay that way.  What good does it do to tell others that you are also sexually excited by men?  What do they need to know that for?  And how is it helping anything?  If someone is gay, they need to come out in order to be openly gay and be in the public eye without feeling as though they're living a lie.  But if you're a married man that is also excited by men, it doesn't need to be told to others unless you planning on making some sort of transition.  So yes, he's gay.  If you had ONE person of the same sex that you felt you were attracted to, would you feel compelled to go tell your family, "Just so you know, I'm straight, but also sexually excited by Sophia Vegara?  Technically, that would make you bi.  But it has zero to do with anyone else, and they don't need to know because you're not going to be seen around with Sophia Vegara anytime.  So no one needs to know.  Things like are told on a wide scale because change is a comin'.

He's being very selfish by needing you to concentrate on his sexual needs while you're going through a body morph and mood crisis.  Who CARES if all of your sexual needs are completely fulfilled if you're with someone who's in a bit of a crisis?  That goes on the backburner (where he keeps putting YOU).  Furthermore, why does all of someone's sexual desires need to be fully explored to the fullest for that person to feel that they're happy?  In what other area of life does this happen?  You don't see anyone saying "I need to move every year because I need to experience all the different types of houses (loft, bi-level, ranch, Victorian) in order to know that my housing needs are fully fulfilled".  People drive what they like, and what they can afford.  They don't go tell the car dealership that they NEED to have this car that they can't afford, and that if the dealership doesn't let them have it, then they aren't in the best interest of their customers!  I really like shoes.  Would I like a pair of Loubitans?  SURE!  Am I unfulfilled if I don't attain the red sole on my foot? NO! For God's sake - it's not your responsibility to be his sexual fairy godmother and grant him all his wishes or you aren't a loving wife.  Don't let him or anyone else start feeding you that bullshit.  What about YOU?  What about YOUR need to have him not go behind your back to talk to others?  Does his need for complete sexual fulfillment trump your need for complete marital fulfillment?  NO, it does NOT!

I'd urge you to go back to the old standards.  Try sex only with each other and stop the swinging.  Stop sex with all the toys.  See you you two are compatible on a basic level of sexuality.  If not, none of the extras will do anything but complicate your sex lives.  They will never solve it.  They are extras - for when you have the basics down - to add "zing".  The zing isn't supposed to become the regular course.  You cannot eat all desserts and think that you'll be well nourished.  Extra means in addition to, not an alterate.  If you can't get the basics down, nothing else will ever be enough.

If you can't get that to work, cut and run.  All you'll do by waiting is wasting years of your life on the inevitable, and letting your children get further into seeing this as their example of a healthy marriage.

I wish you the best -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 1, 2016 4:21 pm  #4


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

omg Kel,  "loft, bi-level, ranch, Victorian".  I have no idea why that made me laugh so hard but I'm laughing at my desk.  It's true though!  We'd ALL like to experience different things.  Hell, at 43 I'd like to go off and try at least 3 different jobs I can think of right now just to see if it would be fun but I'm an adult and sometimes life doesn't work that way.   And also, I just learned what Loubitans were like a month ago.  People find a lot of crazy shit that they "need". 

 

August 2, 2016 1:26 am  #5


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

Thank you both for taking the time to read my lengthy vent session. And for giving me feedback. Reading the points you've both made just makes me even more angry with him. 

I want to believe that he loves me.. he seems like he is terrified of losing me because of all of this. I suggested separating so he could figure things out.. but he refused because there is no guarantee that once we separate we will get back together and he said it's not worth the risk. It's something he wants but he has been very adamant that he wants me.. and our life together more. But even with him saying all of that I still worry that he will end up resenting me, or going behind my back.. and I will always wonder if he is really truly happy with me.. or if I am just being used as a damn smoke screen. So even if he can find a way to move past this and just come to terms with the fact that it may never happen for him, I might never be able to get past the "what ifs". It feels like a lose lose situation. 
I know I don't have to clarify how difficult it would be to leave him. No one ever plans on getting a divorce. My situation is similar to many I am sure.. kids, dogs, house, cars, no job. I've only been out of work for about a year so I am not that worried about finding a job... it's just so much baggage. And lord help me I don't want to fucking start all over. If we don't make it I swear I am going to stay single the rest of my life. 
The scariest part is how COMMON closeted men are. When my husband first came out he went online looking for forums similar to this one support bi/gay men who were married. SO MANY MEN refuse to tell their wives. SO MANY MEN go behind their wives back and these women have NO CLUE. The possibility of leaving him and ending up in the same exact situation with someone else is frightening. 

Still Wondering: I loved this! 
"The problem is that once it's cloaked in the "I'm gay" thing, it warps our thinking into places it shoudn't even go. It warps into: maybe I'm not accepting enough, maybe I'm not understanding enough. No - maybe our gay-in-denial spouses should have picked one or the other before getting married. Or, if they really were confused then just not picked anyone at all until they were sure"
I know it's difficult for people to "come out" so I sympathized with him having a hard time doing so, But I absolutely deserved a choice in all of this BEFORE we were married. I am bitter about that. Scared.. ashamed.. I don't care what his reason was for not being honest. It was no longer just about him. It was undoubtedly a selfish move on his part. 

Kel, I 100% agree with you in regards to him wanting to come out to people. It is something we argued about because I felt it was not anyone's business but he portrayed it as needing "support" and when it came to wanting to tell his parents it's because he wanted them to know who their son really was. He didn't want to lie anymore. But in my opinion being bi-sexual doesn't make you who you are.. people are so much more than their sexuality. I guess I should add that his brother is gay, and one of the first people he came out to so his brother was very much in his corner egging him on when it came to telling other people. In-fact it was his brothers idea for my husband to "come out" to people because he said that was the best way for him to deal. "Talking about it helps".

I also agree with you about him being selfish when it comes to his sexual needs. This too was something we fought about... many times. We were only married for a short time when he came out, I was 6 months pregnant doing unspeakable things for him to keep him happy, but I was crying almost every day because I could barely make sense of it all. After our son was born I was still so unhappy.. I've been blaming it on the hormones but all of this has truly been so difficult.. traumatic seems like an understatement.
And you are right, It is not my responsibility to be his sexual fairy god mother. I loved that line. Might have to use it on him. 

Every time I have started to get angry about all of this I feel guilty. I worry so much about him and his happiness.. I've been putting myself on the back burner. I hate that I'm even thinking the word divorce a year into my marriage. I feel like such an idiot. 
 

Last edited by DeeAnna (August 2, 2016 1:37 am)

     Thread Starter
 

August 5, 2016 1:55 pm  #6


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

In response to Kel Now, let me speak for a moment about him coming out as bi.  WHAT, exactly, is the point of that?  I mean, think about it.  He's a married man, and he's intending to stay that way.  What good does it do to tell others that you are also sexually excited by men?  What do they need to know that for?  And how is it helping anything?  If someone is gay, they need to come out in order to be openly gay and be in the public eye without feeling as though they're living a lie.  But if you're a married man that is also excited by men, it doesn't need to be told to others unless you planning on making some sort of transition.  So yes, he's gay.

I've pondered for the past three years why my GIDXH told me he was bi when he had been in a relationship with a gay friend of ours for over 20 years. I was told that on the spectrum he is closer to gay than bi. Whatever that means? Does it make a difference? I'm sure it does to his gay partner? My GIDXH is now dating women (who know nothing about his gay life). What the heck? Does anyone have comments or similar experiences?

 

August 5, 2016 8:45 pm  #7


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

"...My GIDXH is now dating women (who know nothing about his gay life). What the heck? Does anyone have comments or similar experiences?"

No experience but I'll say this...its a complete mind fk when my lezex brings her girlfriend to events and such ...they're just two close friends...now 2 divorced friend comforting each other....fooling everyone but me...daring me to say something.. ..   I have nothing to say.,,they can go live their new gay life..I will live my normal life.

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 8, 2016 3:44 pm  #8


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

If you don't want to be gay, you will CONTINUE to do things to cover the fact that you are.  Which totally makes sense, if you think about it.  They wanted to keep us so they wouldn't have to admit that they were gay.  So if they can't have us as their smokescreen then they'll go get someone else to help hide from the world that they're gay.  Sometimes I think they're trying to hide it from themselves more than anyone else.  They think they're pretty good at this game.  Good enough that even if their beard gives up on him, they can just hit the replay button with another person who exhibits the qualities they need in order to keep them hidden.

Sometimes once it's exposed to everyone that they're gay, and they're met with approval, they can come out.  But that's supposing that their biggest fear was OTHER people, and what they'd think or say or do.  If they are really paranoid about gays themselves, then they won't want to admit to themselves that they're one.  Just keep pulling the wool over one's own eyes.  As long as it works for them, they'll keep doing it.  Keep in mind that eventually, they'll go behind that person's back, too.  Because they want a beard, but they also want their downlow lifestyle, too.  They won't give up EITHER.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 8, 2016 3:54 pm  #9


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

Also, I think we can all understand and relate to your "I don't want to start over again" thing.  Even people in normal straight marriages that aren't great go through that.  They've put so much time and effort into this that starting over seems daunting.  I get it.  But let me compare it to a vehicle.  You chose a vehicle, and at first, you loved it.  Now it's making you miserable.  It's got so much stuff wrong with it that it's gotten dangerous.  The tires randomly blow out, the radiator overheats, the brakes are iffy.  BUT..... you're still paying on it.  So you don't want to trade it in because you'd be upside-down on the payments, and then your next vehicle is going to cost you whatever it does PLUS some of what this vehicle still costs - because they'll roll the outstanding amount into your new purchase.  Well of COURSE you don't want to be in that situation.  But at some point, you've got a choice to make.  You can decide that the most important thing here is money and not being upside-down, and you'll deal with everything until you have the title free and clear.  OR...... you can decide that while not ideal, being upside-down on your loan is preferable to riding around in a death trap with your kids because you don't like the concept of being upside-down.  It comes down to what's going to be worse.

In the end, it all comes down to what's important to us.  If we're stretched so tight that we couldn't afford a payment even $5 more than the one you're paying right now, well - then I guess you feel like the decision's been made.  it's undoable.  OR...... you could decide that while you don't love paying more, you can afford it, and you CAN do it.  And it's what you really need to do.

Or you could decide to find out what the new payment would be, and then make decisions (this is the same as going to a divorce lawyer so they can tell you what to expect).  You don't buy the car until the final line is signed - asking for them work up the numbers won't obligate you to buying it, even if you feel like it will.  So figure out what the reality of the situation is before you decide that the price is too steep.  You might be surprised that you CAN afford the new payment if you give up daily lunches out, which would mean that your safety during transportation is more important than never having to make your own sandwich.  You start getting creative.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 13, 2016 6:35 pm  #10


Re: Husband recently came out as Bi....

DeeAnna, ask yourself whether you wish to spend the rest of your life with a man who cannot devote himself only to you.  It is a simple question and I think you clearly know the answer.  Whether he is interested in exploring his interest in men or just other women makes no difference.  What he is attempting to do is NOT swinging, nor is it open marriage.  Clear away the seeming complexity and nuance and just answer that one question.  Then act.  You can decide later if you wish to maintain a friendship or a relationship with him.  But put your own emotional health first right now.  Hugs to you.

 

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