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Tue Oct 3 11:47 am  #11


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

One more thing to add.. 

If you haven't already, please talk to your medical doctor about getting anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication.  I have no idea if the MS makes that impossible or not to take these, but your Dr. will.  If you are able to, please do get some for yourself.  They made a big difference for me.  They don't make the pain go away, but they take the edge off.  It helped moderate my emotions and dull the pain a bit.  It was enough to make a difference and help me keep going for the first 6 months.  
Same applies with sleep meds if you are having trouble sleeping.  

It's hard enough to survive this storm.. but when you add lack of sleep and anxiety and depression to the mix it's just worse.  Please look into it. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Tue Oct 3 6:20 pm  #12


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Hi Phoenix, thank you for your kindness. I have been on treatment for depression after suffering for many years, not knowing before that there is no shame in seeking help. I also have Xanax now for times it feels worse than normal. I will keep posting.

Kel, I am so happy for you. It fills my heart to read your happiness jumping off the page. We all deserve that. I don't know which kind of happy ending I am seeking, I just want to believe there is one. I can't leave my job, so I have to live where I live. I am fundamentally different than people in this area, on every level from superficial to morality. I have no other option than my husband, or to be alone. My husband isn't an option anymore, hence my hopelessness. I was single here for years when I was somewhat more outgoing and trusting, and I'd rather eat broken glass than get back into the miserable dating scene. Sitting across from someone wearing head-to-toe camouflage, droning on and on about trucks and deer season and making nasty comments about all non-white people and mocking me for not ordering a hunk of dead animal to eat yet still expects me to jump into bed with him, while I silently beg him to eat faster so I can end this torture and go home. I can't go through the endless rejection and disappointment of "getting to know you" stage with anyone again, let alone trying to become physically comfortable with anyone ever again. I just can't. The idea of it sends me into a panic attack (I was previously diagnosed with PTSD).

Edited to add: I'm talking only about the things *I* do and don't desire in a partner. I know dozens of women who are in madly mutual love with their hunting, gun collecting partners, and I couldn't be happier for their happiness. I am the "oddball" in this area, which doesn't make me bad, it just makes me lonely.

Last edited by brooksey (Tue Oct 3 9:33 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Oct 4 8:03 am  #13


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

One simple thought that helps me: the end isn't here yet. None of us here have got to 'the end'. We're all in stories that are still unfolding. Many of us are in places that hurt like hell, where we currently see little or no signs of hope. Certainly that's true for me. The trauma is on-going; we're still in the thick of it. But yes, there are stories of a better life after separation and divorce, of new loves and new relationships. And some, very few, but some, stories of finding some 'modus vivendi', some way of living on, together, either in monogamy, or in open marriages. But no, there are no easy or painless ways forward. It will be hard work and painful. I feel that I've spent many months and a small fortune with four different therapists and two or three different 'spiritual mentors' for no real change in my situation: a sexless marriage with a lesbian. But she's not looking elsewhere (and neither am I), and we do share a great deal still, fellowship, friendship, friends, interests, a good life. In the eyes of others - they say it to our faces - we're a charming, loving old couple!!

 

Wed Oct 4 9:29 am  #14


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

I feel like we as humans are so driven by our fears.  It's natural for us.  The Bible even tells us that we're like sheep.  Ever been around a sheep?  They're HUGE chickens - every.thing scares them.  They're panicky, they all go in the same directions when one goes first.  And they like to scream a lot in their fear.  Baaaaaaaa!!!!  I'm scared!  That's humans to a tee.  We could stand in one spot and let the scenario unfold, but we're scared.  We'd rather stand in a dangerous place where we know the outcome than stand in a neutral place where we're not sure of what may happen to us.

If you think about it, there IS no unscary scenario once you're a str8 spouse in our situation.  I mean, it's scary to continue on in the status quo, isn't it?  What we want is to reach a place of peace and contentedness.  We keep thinking that if we work with the tools we've got, we might be able to reach that place.  We see ourselves in a vehicle that's not going to make the trip, but we just keep trying to fix it and tinker on it so that we'll make the trip.  We know that we'll be forever stopping to fix the jalopy, but we see no other way.  We are fearful to trade the pile of junk in and have a safe car with a payment - because..... what if we can't make the payment?  Well,.... what if you CAN?  What if fixing the damned jalopy on the side of the road all the time winds up being more expensive than a monthly payment for a safe, worry-free vehicle?  What if you spend the same amount of money but never GET anywhere with the first car?  No matter what, we're in for work - and worry.  You may as well pick the scenario that's most likely to WORK.  It's scary to stand at the precipice of change and run right into it.  Scary as hell.  But when the alternative is horrific anyway, what have you got to lose?

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Oct 4 2:14 pm  #15


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Brassyhub, may I ask how far along you are in the journey since your wife came out?

Kel, I do see what you're saying, but it's not always as black and white as being scared or being courageous. My situation isn't, "I'm afraid I'll say hi to that guy and he won't think I'm cute," it's, "I'm phobic I will know you for four years and end up with you burning off my n*pple and r*ping me with a steak knife after you smash my eye socket into 18 pieces with a cast iron pan." If I have to choose between that horror and living with a gay husband who cheats on me, honestly, I'm going to pick the gay husband every time. I don't say this for pity or to imply every man is a psychopath, but rather to put context to my saying I *can't* date. There were NO signs with my attacker. I knew him. My staff knew him. We had all spoken almost daily for years, and been to dozens of social functions together. I met his child. We spent time with friends together, his and mine, and my friends were convinced he was my Mr. Right.
Plus it's not even my choice- my husband doesn't want anything to do with me, let alone attempt a reconciliation of any kind. I know I'm inside the situation so I likely can't see the big picture and I swear I'm not trying to be fatalistic, but from where I sit right now, all roads lead to hopeless loneliness.

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Oct 4 2:41 pm  #16


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Brooksey, I don’t know what to say to you but I must say something. I’m so so sorry for your ordeal. You are so brave to come through that and to be facing more hurt now. If nothing else please don’t feel completely alone, we ARE here, checking in many times a day, we feel for you and we want to help if we can, even just a little. Please reach out to us as much as you need to, you can say whatever you want here. Sometimes just writing helps a tiny bit.

 

Wed Oct 4 2:47 pm  #17


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

My heart hurts for you brooksey.  I'm so sorry you've had to live through these awful experiences.  Your feelings and fears are completely understandable.  I think I would feel exactly the same way as you do. 

But, I know that you are correct when you say that you are "inside the situation and can't see the big picture".  Just acknowledging that possibility is a step forward.  
What if all roads to lead to being alone..  But what if you reach that point and find out that you are happy that way?  A few months from now you might find that you embrace the freedom of being alone.   You don't have to be alone.. you might meet the greatest guy in the world in a matter of months from now..  But if you are alone for a while you should consider that it might not be so terrible. 

I was definitely co-dependent a year ago.  It was Kel, in fact, who helped me realize this fact.  I had been deprived and emotionally manipulated into complete dependence on the little scraps of intimacy I did receive.  Kel called them "breadcrumbs".  I was trying to bargain and beg my ex to stay with me because i was so scared to be alone.  It was all I could see.. Being alone was only a negative in my mind at that stage.   After a couple months to think about things I started to see some optimism in the idea of being single.  After she left I fully embraced it.  I found that I was actually pretty happy.. completely relieved of that stress that I didn't even realize was there.  It was kind of nice.  The things I feared most did come to pass.  But when I reached that point I realized they actually weren't so bad.  I wrote this in my journal here on this forum:    http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=6162#p6162

Full disclosure..  I do still desire to find someone to be with.  But if that never happens I'm ok.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Oct 4 5:18 pm  #18


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

I'm so sorry, brooksey.  And you're right - it's not always so black and white.  It's still fear - but it feels so, so justified.  And I can't even imagine going through what you've been through.  Good LORD you're strong!

I see what you're saying about not being able to do this differently if you can't even look back and see the signs from this psycho that did this to you.  I'm sure I'd feel the same way.  I have no right to try to get you to buck up - you've been doing that every day all along.

I wish peace for you, my friend.  And love.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Oct 4 6:38 pm  #19


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Thank you, Duped. Your words are so kind.

Oh, Kel, I meant no disrespect or combativeness in my reply. You are a role model for exactly what I hoped to read when I created this thread! My therapist says the details of what happened are mine alone to hold or divulge, but that if I am seeking understanding, it may fill in the picture.

I relate to so many things said in these comments. The "breadcrumbs" term is perfect. In the life we shared together, he was kind to me. My best friend, my companion, not overly romantic, but thoughtful. I was happy, but our whole relationship was breadcrumbs! How many people did he give attention and affection to that should have been only mine? Everything he gave of himself to them, took something away from me, even though I didn't know it at the time.

Phoenix, I'm not sure I could be happy alone again. I was single for a long time. I made myself okay with it, because dating was so much worse, but I didn't realize how much I wanted to share my life with someone until I had that with my husband. I would love to find someone who loves me like I love(d) my husband, but I feel the odds are immeasurably stacked against me.

     Thread Starter
 

Fri Oct 6 4:32 am  #20


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Brooksey, you ask how 'far along' I am/we are. We're both retired, no children, both worked for a faith-based NGO, so no great financial reserves. Separate lives now are financially out of the question, and there's of course no guarantee that we could both find new partners. So we stay together, mostly fairly happily. We share a great deal. My wife says that she loves me - but she doesn't, can't desire me. She's quite happy in a sexless, companionable relationship. I am not, but I remain profoundly monogamous. I've never been deeply attracted to another, never come close to being unfaithful, and find it hard (impossible?) to imagine getting 'sex' elsewhere without a real relationship... If all that makes any sense?!

 

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