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Mon Oct 2 4:17 pm  #1


Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

I have been reading these posts obsessively in the month since my bisexual husband admitted he is gay. I find some solace knowing I'm not "weird" but it only makes me feel worse to know how much pain so many others are feeling like mine.

I have commented on other posts and have spoken by email to a few people in the local SSN, but I am not doing well. I'll try to summarize but I apologize for my wordiness.

I fell in love with my husband before we ever spoke a word to each other. I saw him and heard him laugh and told my friends, "That's the man I'm going to marry."
We dated for about four years in our early 20's. He was not ready for commitment and he left me. I never got over it and ended up moving across the country in 2005 to try to find a fresh start. It didn't work. He never left my mind, and eventually I gave up trying to date because it felt wrong to waste the time of those men, when I knew I could never love them.
In 2010, I started to feel affection for a contact I'd known from work for several years. I agreed to a date after many, many, many times of him asking. We dated for a few months, and I liked him very much, but that "spark" was missing and we just sort of stopped talking. I will spare the graphic details, but a few months after that, he broke into my home and brutalized me. He tortured me. I have had two reconstructive surgeries and thousands of hours of therapy, but I have mental and physical scars that will never heal.
Later that year, my now-husband found me on Facebook and we began talking again. I met up with him while I was vacationing near where he lived, and it was like no time had passed. He is gentle and comforting, and I had never stopped loving him so it felt like a miracle the timing of him re-entering my life. He discussed his bisexuality with me at that time. I was sad for him but not disapproving. He was raised in a die-hard red neck, ultra-conservative family where men own women and "f*gs" all need to die. It's horrible, and I can only imagine the shame he was trained to feel for being attracted to men.
He moved here to Texas to be with me. I was happy just being together, but he wanted an engagement and later a wedding. I knew there was no one else for me, so it wasn't hard to convince me to commit our lives to each other.
Last year, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I lost my mother the follwing week, and my father is trying to die as fast as possible. I don't have any other family, but I rescue dogs and they are like human children to me. In February, my oldest went into early heart failure, and in July, my middle baby was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
My husband and I have been married 2 1/2 years now, and on Labor Day, I found a gay hookup profile on his phone. He admitted he has been cheating on me our entire relationship. He would meet these anonymous men for oral sex, and occasionally perform anal sex as well. He did not use protection with oral sex.
I was blind-sided. We had normal squabbles over chores or other inconsequential things, but we had so much happiness. We travelled the world together. We love all the same things, and we had such a FUN life. We would always joke our cheeks hurt every night when we went to bed, because we made each other laugh so much.
Now he's saying he never loved me at all. That it was all an act for his family, and he's not even sorry for what he did, because he's gay. As if that somehow excuses it??
I hate him and I love him. I can't believe he did this to me and I am so completely repulsed by that world of anonymous sex and I never want to see him again, and I want him to come back and fix our relationship. I don't believe he never loved me. We had thousands of private, beautiful moments that weren't a show for his family or to post on social media. We often worked different schedules, but our intimate relationship was fulfilling.
I want to believe he'll be diagnosed with a mental illness, get treatment and realize he still loves me. (Treatment for depression/bi-polar disorder, etc, not to say I think sexuality is a mental illness) I want us to work together to see if I could ever trust him and eventually find our happiness again. But I know that's not going to happen.
I have lost everything. I have no family, all my friends live abroad, I might not have a future because of MS, my version of children are wasting away before my eyes, and I've lost the love of my life. I have nothing left. I've been with the same therapist for years and we have a very good relationship so I continue to see him. I'm awaiting the results of my HIV and hepatitis tests. I go from uncontrollable weeping to almost being catatonic. I'm stealing this description from the beautiful poster Phoenix, but my husband was my whole support system now that I've lost my parents, and now that he's the one who has destroyed me, I don't have anyone else. I'm not a baby and I didn't think I was weak, but I spent hours yesterday researching if MS is a qualified reason for assisted suicide, so my dad could still get my life insurance. The few people I've told say, "Well obviously he didn't deserve you anyway!" or "You're a great woman, you'll find someone else!" and I know they mean well but I want to scream. My therapist says since I've only my made one emotional connection in my life, and because I have a near phobia of new people since the attack plus the scars on my body that would terrify anyone I tried to get close to, there's a good chance I WON'T make another, and I should focus on having a happy single life. If I wanted a single life, I wouldn't have gotten married, so that advice sounds like a death sentence.

I want to find hope, and I can't. I want my husband to come back as a better version of himself, and I know that's ridiculous but I can't make my heart realize how completely stupid that sounds, even though my brain knows it. For nearly 20 years, all my thoughts of the future include him. How can I live now being utterly alone forever? I'm capable of doing it. I'm a successful businesswoman and I was the primary income for our family so I don't need him in that aspect, but I wanted him as my partner in life. He won't even speak to me. I don't want just a buddy or a roommate. Even if it was possible for me to meet someone else, I don't think I know how to love anyone but my husband. I'm a shy and quiet person anyway, with insecurities about my weight that made me introverted even before I was assaulted. Now it's almost paralyzing, the idea of giving someone permission to hurt me again. I keep waiting for even a millisecond of relief, and there isn't one. I am very really feeling like I don't want to be in this life anymore, and I don't know what to do.

 

Mon Oct 2 4:56 pm  #2


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

brooksey,

Welcome.  I'm so sorry for all you're going through.  It's.a.LOT.  And you feeling both panicked and catatonic is going to be normal in this situation.  That doesn't mean it feels good.  It means nothing's wrong with you - you're processing this the same way any other mentally healthy and balanced person in your situation would.  It's a lot like mourning.  You just want the situation back to what you'd always wanted it to be - even if that's impossible.  It's what makes us cry so hard when someone dies - the fact that we KNOW there's no chance to have that back any longer.  We don't cry because we already miss them (in the beginning); we cry because of the realization that they are gone for good now, and there's no getting past that.  Hope is gone.  It's much more confusing when there is hope, honestly.  Because after all, it COULD happen that you'll live the fairy tale and everything will work out.  It has to happen for someone, right?  And that's where the mourning goes hand-in-hand with confusion when it comes to dealing with the gay spouse.  It's not as simple as it is with someone that's married to a straight person and cheating.  In those cases, you feel like if you could just be who they wanted you to be, you might stand a chance of fulfilling them enough to be committed to you.  But when the gay thing is involved, you realize that no matter what you do, you can't be what the other person wants - because you're not the sex they're attracted to.

I have several people with MS in my life.  It is NOT a death sentence, hon.  The more stressed out your are, the more your MS will act up.  Which of course puts you in a downward spiral right now - one thing exacerbates the other and it feels hopeless.  But MS is intermittent - yes, it may get worse. But it may also get better.  Deep down, you know this.  It's just difficult to be hopeful right now, so you're adding MS to the list of limitations and painful things in your life right now.  But take that out of this situation - you're going to have MS now whether you're with this man or not.  It is what it is.  You will deal with it - you have no choice.  The good news is that the more you take care of yourself in one manner, the more it translates to the MS, too.  If you decide that the only things you can do right now are to get proper nutrition, adequate rest and an outlet for your emotional needs, then they will not only benefit you mentally, but it will also benefit your MS.  You will feel double relief.  But first you need to stop letting yourself take the MS thing to the ultimate bad conclusion.  It doesn't have to play out that way, and you' (believe it or not) are in control of how much you let your brain spin out of control on that.  So when you start thinking of your future as being a poor one anyway due to MS, tell yourself to knock that shit out and stop creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.

As for you being shy and only having had one real connection,..... so?  Does that mean you won't have any other..... EVER?  No!  It doesn't.  Refuse to believe that your history is already written on that, too.  Your counselor was right to warn you that it might be difficult, but he/she should have told you instead that it's going to require hard work and being open and willing to be hurt in order to make it through the woods you're in.

I'm so sorry for the past abuse you've suffered.  How.... horrific.  That doesn't mean it's going to happen again, hon.  The likelihood of it happening again are slim to nil, actually.  You're wise enough to read signs now, and protect yourself.  You're wiser than before.  You stand LESS of a chance of it happening than someone who was more naive and didn't protect themselves because they don't believe there's any danger out there.  Yes, you have scars.  All the best warriors do. 

There are plenty of animals out there that still need saving.  You can go tomorrow and get another one.  No, they won't take the old one's place - but that's not the point.  Saving another one is the point.  You can do that.  It will bring you great happiness.

You don't have to want to be single to move forward.  You just have to want to not be in the situation you're in.  I know you want to be married to this man, but you also want it in a certain way.  And that's fine - we all have parameters within which we want a relationship to exist.  One of them (for most of us) is within the confines of monogamy.  You should expect that.  If you can't have that, and you can't see yourself having that with this person, then move on.  You don't have to want to be single to move on.  You can't get to another place if you never leave the one you're in, though.

STOP letting yourself talk you into a corner.  You're intelligent, self-supporting, a world traveler, an MS survivor.  You've got a 100% track record of making it through bad days.  You are a mighty beast that can survive this, too.  Even if you're not sure you want to.  You can, and you will.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Mon Oct 2 7:29 pm  #3


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

brooksey, 

There are happy endings.  I'm working toward one for myself and doing everything I can do help everyone on this forum find the same.  You will have happy days in the future.. you just can't see or imagine them right now.  I use the metaphor of being on a boat in the ocean in the midst of a storm frequently.  That's where you are now.  No matter how hard you look out on the horizon you see only storm clouds.  You can only picture what is being taken away from you.  One day at a time you will survive this storm and the clouds will lighten and then dissipate.  When they do clear you will see a new vision on the horizon and it will be beautiful and optimistic.  It can be whatever you want it to be.  It's out there, you just have to have hope and keep going until you see it.  And you will!

Listen to Kel.. She's a survivor and a champion who had indeed found a happy ending.  Many of us do, we just tend to move on and stop posting here after things get better.  

Im very serious about this:  If you are putting real time and energy into thoughts of suicide, please reach out.    The straight spouse network triage team is this phone number:  773/413-8213
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is this phone number:  1-800-273-8255
If you post two more times you will be allowed to use private messages and I will send you my phone number.  I'm not a professional, but I care deeply.  I have an intense passion for those contemplating suicide so I take it very seriously.  

You are an amazing woman.. a survivor..  you've been dealt a tough hand, but you can survive it and you will find peace and happiness in the future.  

Please stick around.. We are here for you.  You are one of us.
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Oct 2 7:33 pm  #4


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Brooksey,
Your story is absolutely heartbreaking.  I'm so very sorry for your pain.  I know you are in a very dark place right now but I want to echo Kel right now, MS is not a death sentence.  I have a close friend with MS and while it takes an effort there is hope for long periods of good health.  You still have life ahead of you.
Your love of animals shows who you are inside.  Don't let the actions of a selfish person take that spirit from the world!  We need people like you.  There are so many helpless animals waiting to be loved and nurtured by someone as special as you are. 
There's room in your heart for those sweet animals and there's room in your heart for new human love too.  You just don't see it now, because you're in the dark. 
Join some support groups, others witth MS.  You will learn how to manage the disease and meet people you can relate to. 
There is so much out there for you.  Please don't give up.  Look at all you have survived.  You need grief and trauma help.  Let your therapist guide you.  Just move one day at a time taking care of you.  Nurture your interests.  Find one thing positive to focus on each day.  A new rescue, a project you have wanted.  A book you want to read.  Whatever it is.  Reach out to others.  There are so many who would love to help. 
Keep posting.  Stay with us.  Don't let this cruel man win!
Survive!

Love,
Majenco

Last edited by majenco (Mon Oct 2 11:19 pm)

 

Mon Oct 2 7:47 pm  #5


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Hi Brooksey

I am so sorry you are here with the rest of us, someone will come along and love you for who you are... Don't think you can't love anyone else I thought the same after my husband came out after we had been together for 20 years.. I did not think it was possible to love another man and today I do but the love for him is so different. These people do love us but they are so fill of themselves and their new life they don't care about anyone else till its too late.

Don't give up its not your fault and you are a good person.
Believe in yourself that someone will come along when you least expect it.

I'm sending you a big hug
Take care
Vee

 

Mon Oct 2 10:03 pm  #6


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

brooksey,

You are not alone..     And if you are physically alone right now...know that it is temporary and its ok..

You wrote:

'..I want to find hope, and I can't. I want my husband to come back as a better version of himself, and I know that's ridiculous but I can't make my heart realize how completely stupid that sounds, even though my brain knows it. .."

There are several terms for this..  one is cognitive dissonance  where we try to explain away and accept the bad behavior that we know in our bones is  wrong.       The other is  "trauma bonding"  or  insane loyalty.

Don't feel about bad about wanting your husband to change and wanting him back.  We love fiercely and wholly.    But we have to face reality .  Your spouse is hurting you emotionally and physically.   While you love him... he is really not your friend..  Heck even a rude roommate would treat you better by not physically endangering you.      Its a crazy and hard thing to comprehend that he is not your friend ..

But  its better to be alone , for now,  than to be hurt over and over by him.   It may not feel that way now but know that it is better.      You're never really alone....you have a God  and  us to listen.   And last I checked these lousy spouses/ex-spouses of ours were not Gods or omnipotent beings..

No, there are happy endings...  and if not endings certainly new beginnings that are so much better than being with a lying and cheating spouse that hurts you.

A warm e-hug and prayers for your journey.
 

Last edited by Rob (Tue Oct 3 10:23 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Tue Oct 3 2:09 am  #7


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

I’m so sorry you’re in such pain Brooksey. Please reach out to some of the contacts that Phoenix has posted.

We will do our best to help you here, there is always hope for better, there are some great happy endings, you really just don’t know what’s around the corner. And cliche as it is time really does help.

Please let us know how we can support you beat and if you’re ok.

 

Tue Oct 3 9:49 am  #8


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

Thank you all so much for your beautiful words of encouragement. I think maybe I'm not ready to absorb them quite yet, but I will carry them with me. I am going to reach out to the intervention numbers shared by Phoenix. I know I am not in a healthy place mentally, that it seems perfectly logical consider suicide as a choice with the same callousness I use when picking which Lean Cuisine to take for lunch.

The physical loneliness is overwhelming. I live in Texas; my closest friends (my soul sisters) live in London and Manila. I have acquaintances through work and charities, but no one I really desire to spend more than a hour or two with. Being a progressive, childfree-by-choice, vegetarian, Liberal pacifist here in the deep heart of bigoted, gun-lover, hunting land, where a woman's main purpose is viewed to be bearing as many children as possible, does not make it easy for me to make friends, and my potential dating pool is bone dry. The friend I'm closest to in my geographical area is one I met through Pride, which seems somehow hilariously tragic at the moment.

It's such a roller coaster. My husband and I had planned a romantic weekend in Houston around seeing a musical I've wanted to for several years. Those tickets arrived on Thursday and it felt like a physical blow, like an elephant stomping on my chest. It's unreal how much emotional pain can translate to actual physical pain. And then I get angry and think, forget him! I'll go anyway, with someone BETTER than him! But I pick up my phone and there's no one to call who wouldn't involve a plane ticket to accompany me. I have dozens of things like that, that we have already paid for and now I no longer have a "we." I cried for nearly 20 hours when I had to cancel the cabin we stay at every Thanksgiving and is my favorite place in America. I can't have a family tradition when I no longer have a family.

He finally called me last night. I had sent him an angry text that regardless whether or not he thinks this was all fake, in fact, it was REAL, and he has adult responsibilities to take care of. Legal and financial things. He doesn't get to just walk off into the sunset with his 1000 new Grinder true loves [eye roll] and leave me to pick up the pieces of the life he destroyed. We talked for almost two hours, came to a civil agreement about a number of things. But then he asked me if I thought one of our couple friends would still talk to him if he called? She is bisexual and he is straight. I said I don't know, but then because I've got one foot firmly planted in Crazytown, I spent HOURS obsessing over why???? Does he want to get advice from the couple we know has a successful and loving mixed-orientation marriage? Is he thinking he might want to work things out? Even though an hour before that in the context of our conversation he said probably not will he ever be with a woman again.

I know I shouldn't talk to him. If I keep opening that wound, it's never going to heal. I hate myself that I got almost giddy seeing his number on caller ID. I hate that I still want to believe in us. HE CHEATED ON ME! He lied and deceived me. He exposed me- someone with no immune system- to god knows what kind of deadly diseases. He has said the most cruel things to me since I found that profile. 

Gosh I've written another novel here, I see. I know we all have our own lives so please don't feel like you have to respond. I appreciate all of you with such sincere affection for letting me vent these feelings. 

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Oct 3 11:16 am  #9


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

It is time you stop talking to him and start dealing with logistics through the legal process.  If I've learned anything, it's that all the conclusions you come to via personal conversations mean nothing in the end, anyway.  They'll go talk to a lover who'll convince them that no, you don't deserve all the stuff they agreed to when they felt sorry for you.  And then all the words are wasted anyway.  Unless they're on paper with a signature, they're useless anyway.  Time to find a lawyer and start making your words count.

It's amazing to me that they worry about the friends they used to have as a couple.  For what it's worth, I had no problem with my ex seeing our mutual couple friends separately after we broke up.  Only to find out that they felt like they didn't know him anymore anyway, and had no interest in continuing to see him.  I really did try to pull back so he wouldn't have to lose any of those friends - because my circle of support was immense compared to his tiny one.  And it turned out they were all friends with us because of me anyway.  My new husband and I are friends with many of them now, and although they are all free to see my ex with ZERO grief from me in any manner, they just..... don't.  Turns out that after everything I'd suffered through, he kept trying to make me out to be the bad guy to them, which just got to be really old, really fast.  I, on the other hand, was just happy to see them, ask about their lives and kids, and tell them what exciting or challenging things I was experiencing in my life.

When I read your first post here, I thought you were most likely asking if anyone had wound up happy in the relationship that originally had the cheating in it.  So I didn't speak to that.  Because no, that didn't happen to me.  But I do owe it to you to tell you that I DID wind up happy without him.  It took practically no time, either.  Turns out he was an albatross around my neck, and I didn't even realize it.  I thought there were just a few things wrong with the relationship - the intimacy level, his job issues (constantly losing jobs and miserable in the ones he had), and in general, being a child in the relationship (I had to make all the adult decisions and take all the adult responsibilities).  So I looked at it as there being three things wrong, and if I could get those fixed, we'd be hunkey-dorey.  None of them got fixed, and at some point, I realized that they were never going to be fixed.  So I chose to walk rather than to decide to accept unhappiness as my daily modus operandi.  It wasn't until after I found true love again that I realized how terrible my previous marriage was.  His foundation was cracked, which mean that our foundation together was never solid, either.  It was always doomed, and I just kept believing I could make it work with enough tenacity and effort.  Now I live a completely different life - one where my spouse is excited to see me pull a shirt off over my head, even when my hair is messy and I'm wearing no makeup.  One where I feel cherished on a daily basis.  I never realized I could even have that.  I was just trying to remove obstacles to happiness.  I never realized there was an entire realm beyond neutral.  Which I now have.

I was married for 16 years and had three children with my gay ex.  I remember thinking that maybe I should just stay, because maybe this was the best man I'd ever get.  Maybe these shortcomings in my relationship were better than many others that I could have been saddled with.  I remember thinking that a fat, middle-aged woman with debt, no assets, and three kids wasn't exactly a big draw for a good man.  I'm loud, brash, have physical limitations due to joint issues, and am generally a bit for most people to handle.  People in general love me, but men like me more as a BFF than as a partner.  That's what I thought.  I felt I was being realistic.  I weighed my options, saw that if I left I wouldn't be able to support my kids on my own, and realized that I'd have little to no time to date anyway.  So I'd be leaving to be alone.  And was that better than what I had?  I wasn't so sure.

But I left anyway.  Because when I looked at leaving, it scared me.  But when I looked at staying, it terrified me.  I felt panicked at the thought of enduring this for another 5, 10, 20 years.  I knew then that it didn't matter how hard it was - this - THIS was more oppressing to my soul.  And lo and behold - I was all.wrong about my options in moving forward.  Turns out to the men, I was a woman with tons of personality who loved to laugh.  I had a steady job and I was managing to balance that with raising my kids.  I could cook, I kept a clean house, I knew when to put on high heels and pearls, and I knew when to put on sweats.  But beyond all of that, they found that the love I had to give (both physical and emotional) was big.  And they wanted big.  They'd had small.  Now they were attracted to all the things I DID have.  Despite all my baggage and the sacrifices they'd need to make in order to be with me.  I was the damned bell of the ball, and I never saw it coming.

I kissed my fair share of frogs.  But even that was fun.  Lol.  Then I found the best man I've ever met - and that includes my extremely amazing father and brothers.  I can't believe someone had discarded him in much the same way that someone hadn't appreciated me.  He loved me so deeply and passionately that he was willing to walk through fire for me.  ME.  The woman that felt she was so...... mediocre.  The woman who almost didn't get the chance to meet him because I had believed in my own defeat even before I left the gate.  And now here I am - the happiest I've ever been in my life.  He bought us a home six months ago.  He bought me a kitten two weeks ago.  My life is full to bursting for how wonderful my life is.  Not everything is perfect - we still have our disagreements - just like any couple.  And I'm still fat.  Moreso than ever.  My oldest son is estranged from me due to his mental illness.  We're often strapped for cash.  And my body continues on with its aches, pains, and limitations.  And still - I've never been happier.

Yes, it can and does end well for a lot of us.  I'm proof.  If I could have this much happiness after what I've gone through, ANYone can.  I swear it.  I'm nothing special, and I have the most amazing kind of love in my life.  Have hope.  It can happen to you.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Oct 3 11:33 am  #10


Re: Does anyone ever have a happy ending?

I'm so glad to see you post again. 

Please do follow through with making calls for help.  
I want you to hear my words about suicidal thoughts.  Don't think yourself to be weak or sick to have considered this.  There is no embarrassment to be had from these thoughts.  They don't make you weak and they don't make you mentally ill. 
It's OK to not be OK. 
I would bet that most of us on this forum gave that idea a thought for a while.  I did.  I looked at a razor blade for a few seconds on one of my darkest days after my ex admitted to her affair and her plan to leave me.  I understand completely how it feels to be depressed.  I know how it feels to have so many negative things pile on top of each other.  I know how the sadness and depression compounds upon itself.  It's not a simple addition of sadness, it's multiplication.  Each new burden multiplies the pain and adds to the pain of everything else.  You reach a point where you see only sadness and depression and can't remember what it feels like to be happy and optimistic.  
It's ok to not be ok. 
My consideration of that razor blade was very short lived because I immediately thought of my two sons, so I banished that thought from my mind and didn't revisit it.  But it's not so easy for everyone. 

brooksey..   There is nothing wrong with you.. But I want you to understand that the hurt you are feeling is temporary.  You are focused on only the hurt and you can't see the good that is in your future.  But trust me.. it's out there.  You are a brilliant, strong, successful woman.  You are a survivor.  You'll find happiness again.. If you desire to be with someone you will find him.  You might decide that being a strong single woman is what makes you happy.  You'll find new friends, new hobbies, new outreach opportunities.  It's out there.. you just can't see it yet.  But keep moving forward and you'll find it. 

Please continue to post here.  Write as many novels as you want.  It's good for you.  We don't mind reading it.  That's why we are here.   But please keep posting.  I'm concerned for you and will be genuinely worried if I don't see you for a while.  I can't lose one of my sisters from this family.  That's why I'm here. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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