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Tue Oct 3 7:22 am  #11


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

TGT=  "The gay thing"

Your husband's assertions are part and parcel of the closeted spouse's denial--his self denial as well as to his public denial. 
 Bi-curious is the go-to excuse of the closeted.  That he has a therapist to back him up doesn't mean anything: it's like the devil quoting scripture--you can always find one to back you up.  My paranoid bi-polar father got one to administer an IQ test so he could "prove" he was too smart to have a mental illness. I've always wondered why the therapist went along with this obvious denial, but I suspect he wanted to help my father and knew my father would terminate therapy if the therapist pushed him. 
The "sexually fluid" and "no one is completely heterosexual" remarks are part and parcel of the "bi-curious" deflection.  
 He's more on the mark with that last comment, not because you should "be flattered" he wasn't "cheating with women," but because in his desperate attempts to herd you away from his sexual orientation he inadvertently named a problem he can't explain away: the cheating.  He cheated.  A lot.  He put your health at risk. The cheating itself--the deception and the risk he took with your health, and the disrespect--is enough to end the marriage, and that's what you should tell him.  He's trying to tell you that the cheating is a factor of "bi-curious," and that since he's "satisfied" that "curiosity" there will be no more cheating, and so you should just sweep it all under the rug and pretend it never happened. 
Finally, ask yourself: if he were "just" bi, why is he so adamant that it's "not [your] place" to tell?  I'd think that if we're all sexually "fluid" and none of us "completely heterosexual" he'd be happy to have his enlightened sexuality out there for all to celebrate!  But in a more serious vein: your story is your story to tell.  It's not his to control.  That you found him cheating with men is not something he gets to say you can tell others.   
 

 

Tue Oct 3 8:52 am  #12


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

"Flattered he wasn't cheating with a woman". 

Wow.. that's a new one.  That takes some serious courage to try to pass a statement like that to your defense.  Unbelievable. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Oct 5 12:55 pm  #13


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

I need strength to withstand all the apologies and wanting to get back together and promises of this never happening again.

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Oct 5 12:59 pm  #14


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Thank you all so much again for your support - I don't know what o would do without this group.

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Oct 5 1:14 pm  #15


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

If it helps I’m 9 months into promises to never ever lie again, gifts, flowers, poems. 9 months. And I’ve just caught him out on every single promise.

They will not change. The promises mean nothing.

 

Thu Oct 5 2:17 pm  #16


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

wonderwoman
 Here's a concrete step you can take to help you withstand the onslaught of fervent apologies and promises.
Create some physical distance between the two of you, ideally by getting him out of the house, but if he can't go, you can--if you go to a friend or family member you can talk to to help you get some perspective and support, all the better.   Physical separation protects you from your weakness and worst instincts, and it helps give you mental space to think and gather your strength.  If you can't get him out of the house or if you don't have a place to go, physically distance yourself in the house--move his or your sleeping space into another room.  This separation helps enforce your boundaries (not giving in, wanting out of the marriage).  Your partner is desperately casting about for ways to keep his closeted life hidden away, and he's promising change not because of his love for you, but because you are useful to him (plus if he's like my husband he's scared to death that if you're separated you'd be more likely to "out" him). 

 

Thu Oct 5 2:55 pm  #17


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Youbare so right. Yes overseas at work thankfully but that has not stopped the constant calls and persistence.

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Oct 5 3:05 pm  #18


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

WW,
Calls and texts can be dealt with.  Tell him you've said what you have to say and will not respond; then either block him or delete--don't read/listen (you have to discipline yourself, too, to stay away and not get drawn in).  What he's doing is 1) trying to throw you off balance and 2) make sure all your energy and thought is directed at him.  It's a kind of undermining.  Also a typical narc move.  Let him stew.
  I'm glad you're overseas and away.  

 

Thu Oct 5 3:10 pm  #19


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Thank you Duped I know you are right. I just keep feeling that there has to be some semblance of the man I knew for 12 years but I fear he didn't exist. Your comments are helping keep me straight.

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Oct 5 3:37 pm  #20


Re: Blinsided - Need Help

I second OoHC's suggestion to not answer any of his texts/calls.  Just let them go to vm and ignore them if you feel that you simply cannot delete him.  But you have to make a deal with yourself that your WILL.NOT.ANSWER.HIM no matter what he says.  If he threatens self-harm, call the police.

When you do this, you will see his true colors come out.  They won't be pretty.  He'll try being nice and love bombing for a bit, but he'll move onto the next plan - which is usually being mean - telling you it was your fault, calling you names, threatening to tell others, etc.  Just.Ignore unless he becomes personally threatening - and then again, call the police.

They thrive on making us jump to their control.  When they lose that, they go crazy.  Expect this.  It's okay - it's part of their "game".

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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