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Mon Oct 2 4:11 am  #1

Blinsided - Need Help

I have been with my husband for 12 years. We have had a very physical intimate life together - one in which I always felt satisfied. A few weeks ago, I went to put his phone on silent and my life changed forever in an instant. There were countless messages from men he had been seeing and meeting up with stretching back to the beginning of the year. Before I knew it, I was confronting him before I had the chance to go too much further through his phone so I still have no idea the extent of these hook-ups. He still claims he is not gay or BI - only curious? I do not understand this as his messages clearly stated "I am BI and looking to hook up". He was even meeting up with men overseas while we were on holiday. He is desperate to stay married, saying it was just a "phase" which is "now over". But this is only because he got caught. I feel like I have been hit by a bus.
I don't know what to believe and what not to believe. His story has changed so many times already. He is very defensive about being "outed" and furious that I confided in my family as to what happened. I know the trust is gone and I cannot process all the lies and deceit. 12 years is a long time and not something that I can just easily forget but I cannot help feel that I never knew this man at all to begin with. I have been on the receiving end of gaslighting and emotional abuse over many years and I put it down to his bipolar disorder. I now think it had nothing to with bipolar but that in fact he was living a lie. Please help.


Mon Oct 2 5:33 am  #2

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Dear WonderWoman,
    You are spinning because you have indeed been hit by a bus, and are in shock and disbelief. You did the absolute right thing in telling your family, because you need to have those who support you and a perspective outside your marriage to help you see through the ever-changing stories your husband is telling in order to keep his closeted life intact. 
     Here are a couple of things that might help you think straight and ward off the lies you're hearing from your husband: 
1)  Take the "gay" out: whether your husband is gay, bi, or even straight, the truth is that he has cheated on you, repeatedly, over many months, and put your health at risk.  Get an appointment to be tested for STDs.  Ask yourself: If you had found out he was frequenting prostitutes "countless" times since "the beginning of the year," what would your reaction be?  You'd throw his cheating a** to the curb and divorce him (and be grateful if you live in a "fault state"!).   
2)  You say that you "don't know what to believe and what not to believe."  Believe what he has done, not what he says. His actions are the truth, verifiable, and you have the evidence.  His words?  They're spin, and clearly not the truth, as "his story has changed so many times."  He says he loves you, but he put you at risk and he betrayed you and your wedding vows.  He says he's "curious," but "curious" doesn't equal ads and hookups over many months.  You would like to believe what you know to be true not to be true, but you already know it's true.  Now the task is to act on what you know to be true.  
3). In addition to posting here, take yourself over to Chump Lady, which is a site that helps those who've been cheated on see that they will be better off not married to a lying, conniving cheater.  There are a number of women commenting there who have also been married to gay cheaters.

 I'm sorry you need to be here, but you will get support and good advice here

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Mon Oct 2 5:38 am)


Mon Oct 2 9:04 am  #3

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Welcome wonderwoman!  

I love the screen name.. great choice.  You are indeed, and you will prove that to yourself. 

I agree with OOHC's advice above.  The fact that it was men he slept with only makes his acts confusing.  We are all somewhat conditioned by society for how to deal with a cheating spouse, so when it happens we kind of know how to process the lies and betrayals.  But when it's homosexual cheating, that fact makes everything confusing and takes the focus away from the lies and betrayals and leaves us spending out energy on figuring out if he's gay and what it means.  But get back to the root problem.. He's been lying and cheating chronically for years and that is not acceptable for a spouse. 

I share the pain of feeling like I never knew the person I was married to.  I often thought my ex was bi-polar as well because I could never understand her violent mood swings.  I think it's reasonable to believe that trying to hide a person's sexuality could cause some emotional upheaval and strange behavior.  

Welcome to our group.   Please let us know how we can help.  Feel free to share anything you wish and we will hear you and support you with reassurance and compassion and advice. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Mon Oct 2 12:30 pm  #4

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Thank you all so much for helping me keep things in perspective. I am so very grateful to have found this site - even though I am all the way in South Africa!

     Thread Starter

Mon Oct 2 1:27 pm  #5

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Wonder Woman,
I hear you and I feel your pain, I have been where you are.
You are currently in shock.  Take care of yourself as shock is painful both physically and emotionally.  The advice to get tested for std's immediately is sound.
Avoid unprotected sex with your husband.
Get your support system around you, friends, family anyone on your side.  Do not keep the secret.  Do not let him guilt or threaten you into the closet with him.
Care for yourself, believe in yourself.  He has lied to you and he will continue to spin and gaslight and manipulate you to keep his secret.
He's not ok with who he is so he wants that secret kept at all costs.  You are collateral damage.
In a few weeks you will feel stronger.  You will move through the phases of grief.  I'm still bouncing between depression and anger but acceptance is out there somewhere and that will set me free.
Stick around here.  Everyone here knows how you feel.  It helps.



Mon Oct 2 1:27 pm  #6

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

You are not the only South African member here.  Perhaps the other will pop in and say hello. 

You have some hard decisions ahead of you, but always remember that we are here to help and support you. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Tue Oct 3 5:55 am  #7

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Hi Everyone

The latest comms I have had with my husband is:

"I'm absolutely definitely NOT gay"
"I'm bicurious" and have a therapist to back this up
"I'm sexually fluid and this changes throughout our lives"
"No one is co.lletley heterosexual"
"You should be flattered I wasn't cheating with women"

He wants to stay married, renew our vows and continue like nothing has happened. He says the urges have "gone away" And it's not my place to tell anyone what happened. This is after years of countless hook ups. Thankfully all my STD screening has come back negative.

I am not buying this and just feel that as soon as he meets the right man he will be fully "out". Pleas share your thoughts on the above as I'm only a few weeks in.

     Thread Starter

Tue Oct 3 6:37 am  #8

Re: Blinsided - Need Help


It hard and being a few weeks in youre in shock..    As you sat in the doctors office for your test you must have thought, as I did, what kind of spouse does this to their partner and friend?  

Regardless of his words and your feelings..  I urge you to be kind to yourself now   (because you cannot trust him any longer ..he will hurt you again).       Take time to detach..  ..   build your support systems.   Discretely plan what you want to do ..   do not include him in this work for yourself.

You can see there are no take backs in'll be forever wondering  is he meeting a friend for a drink or is it a date?   Why should you have to wonder.      His statements you wrote, to me,  show no remorse.  
No you should not be flattered...cheating is should be angry....he is a not a God or some omnipotent being that you must beg and feel worthy to talk to you or give you affection.    You should be angry and hurt.    Its also amazing that he tells you that its not your place to tell..   What is your be hurt and lied to by him?    To accept morally wrong treatment?      Its a shocking .   But we have to live in real reality...not what they say is reality.

No,    definitely detach and look at what he does/did versus what they say.    Even if he is acting ok now the distrust  can eat you up and make you shake....  not how a husband let alone a bad roommate is supposed to treat another human being.


Last edited by Rob (Tue Oct 3 6:38 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Tue Oct 3 7:05 am  #9

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

Thank you so much - what does TGT mean?

     Thread Starter

Tue Oct 3 7:12 am  #10

Re: Blinsided - Need Help

TGT - the gay thing

Bicurious means having an interest in the same gender but not having acted on it. He’s acted on it.

He’s twisting you, don’t let him, you will lose yourself.

These men make me so angry.

I hope you get far away from his cheating, lying ass.

Go be wonderwoman!


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