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Sun Oct 1 6:23 pm  #11

Re: I am taking some time for me

Thanks to all of you. This is so very very hard.  It feels good to have people who understand.  Most can't fathom the depth of the betrayal.  What it does to yoiur mind, your self concept.  Your reality spins off its axis.  Your best friend as your enemy is painful enough, but the thought that the person looking back at you in the mirror could somehow be unconsciously complicit in this is the most terrifying part.  I don't recognize myself.  I must get that person back.


Sun Oct 1 7:37 pm  #12

Re: I am taking some time for me

Do not feel like you were or are complicit.  YOU ARE NOT!

Sure, we can all look back and say that we should have seen the signs.  We can all point to red flags that we should have seen but missed or chose to ignore because we were optimistic rather than pessimistic.   

But at no point did you ever give him permission or say it's ok for him to lie and cheat.  You didn't even do that unconsciously.  

My ex tried to play that game..  she told me once that "I knew what I was getting into".  She had told me while dating that she had a relationship with a roommate, but that she wasn't a lesbian and wasn't attracted to women and that she was straight and wanted to be with me.  I believed her because I wanted to believe her.  Now I look back and think about how stupid I was..  But that is different than being complicit.  Just because I ignored or was too stupid to see some signs doesn't mean I gave permission for her to lie to me.  Those are very different things.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Sun Oct 1 7:44 pm  #13

Re: I am taking some time for me

True.  I don't mean complicit like I deserve it or did it on purpose.  I just mean I accepted some behavoir I should have questioned.  3 years of unemployment?  I made excuses for him, depression, poor job market etc.  In  truth I was afraid to make him feel ashamed.  But 3 years?  Everyone was asking me wtf?  I just supported us.  Worked overtime out the ass.  I felt pity for him. 
It's not the same as knowing the rest of the bullshit was going on but I did turn a blind eye.  It's not the first time I have attracted a broken person.  I need to know I deserve better.  I need to stop fearing conflict and speak up.

Last edited by majenco (Sun Oct 1 8:53 pm)

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Sun Oct 1 8:23 pm  #14

Re: I am taking some time for me

Fearing conflict and speaking up are issues you can improve on, but I don't think you should blame yourself. 
You loved unconditionally, which is the highest hope for a spouse.  

I want you to establish a mindset right now that will show in how you interact with people in the future.  Take pride in the fact that you were faithful, honorable and loved unconditionally.  These are great things that people wish they could find in a wife.  Focus on these good things rather than being embarrassed about being lied to.  Don't say "I let him be unemployed or I allowed him to take advantage of me".  Instead, say, "I loved him and supported him despite the issues and gave my marriage everything I had". 

You are a survivor and a hero..  Remember that!   Few people in the world can say they went so far as you did to keep your vows and love your spouse. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Sun Oct 1 8:52 pm  #15

Re: I am taking some time for me

Thanks Phoenix!  I guess I have some work to do on myself.  I certainly have given this all I could.  Thanks for reminding me.

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Sun Oct 1 9:16 pm  #16

Re: I am taking some time for me

Wow 24 years.  It really is amazing how someone can just stick all that in a little compartment and be all "don't look in there!  Nothing to see here!"  I truly feel your sadness.  It's not war or the death of a child, but I definitely think it's in the top five most  painful  experiences.  Just look at how long it takes most to unravel from this mess.  Phoenix is right, we honor our vows we love with everything and feel intensely.  Sadly we feel the pain so intensely too.

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Sun Oct 1 10:43 pm  #17

Re: I am taking some time for me

Thank you Paula.


Mon Oct 2 5:42 am  #18

Re: I am taking some time for me

Majnco, Allison, Paula,

I just wanted to say that yeah. I was married for decades.. I knew my ex  (or thought I knew) her over half my lifetime.  Our marriage was not an unhappy one.     It is hard to process grieve ..because they are not dead  but they are not the person we knew.   They try to re-write the past but we had many happy times and it was real..  They are not Gods or Dr Who...they cannot re-write time .

As exaggerated as it sounds , in my case,  she is like a demon or ghost of the person I knew; still  very much alive but really a mean enemy now.   Not dead  but something I fear as she still capable of so much
hurt via the kids.

I'm away from her now  and  to help process and deal with her  I try to not think of her as a crazy monster I keep in the basement  but a past enemy that I must,  for the kids sake,  maintain some contact with.    But  
I can find a use for even my enemies..she can watch my kids half the time and take them shopping (shes good at that)..    Really I need to have some use for her  or she may as well be dead...  but she is not.  

I grieved  and  still can always grieve the person she was.    My grief is as strong and fierce as my love was..  we remain authentic, empathetic, honest people.    And that is what distinguishes us from them..
Our love and word is good ...their's is not..   Their love  can change with the weather or wind while our's is capable of lasting to eternity.      Its a scary thing and I thank God everyday to away from such a person .

Wishing you all well on your journeys out of and beyond the (gay) valley.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Mon Oct 2 8:46 am  #19

Re: I am taking some time for me

Rob, Allison and Paula,
There you have it.  As we have all expressed, our pain laid bare.  The betrayal of absolute trust is a torturous pain that turns your mind in onitself if you allow it. 
Paula, I hope that someday we find a person worthy of that trust like your friend did so that even in death we find comfort from it.

Last edited by majenco (Mon Oct 2 8:47 am)

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