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Sun Oct 1 5:03 pm  #11


Re: I am taking some time for me

Majenco,

I also read your story, and in many ways, it is all of our stories. You are brave and strong, and have taken the first step. Keep moving forward, it really does get a little easier every day. You are right, they were never, ever what we thought they were, they are nothing but cowards who stole years from us without our knowledge. Reclaim your life.
Hugs

 

Sun Oct 1 6:23 pm  #12


Re: I am taking some time for me

Thanks to all of you. This is so very very hard.  It feels good to have people who understand.  Most can't fathom the depth of the betrayal.  What it does to yoiur mind, your self concept.  Your reality spins off its axis.  Your best friend as your enemy is painful enough, but the thought that the person looking back at you in the mirror could somehow be unconsciously complicit in this is the most terrifying part.  I don't recognize myself.  I must get that person back.

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Sun Oct 1 7:37 pm  #13


Re: I am taking some time for me

Do not feel like you were or are complicit.  YOU ARE NOT!

Sure, we can all look back and say that we should have seen the signs.  We can all point to red flags that we should have seen but missed or chose to ignore because we were optimistic rather than pessimistic.   

But at no point did you ever give him permission or say it's ok for him to lie and cheat.  You didn't even do that unconsciously.  

My ex tried to play that game..  she told me once that "I knew what I was getting into".  She had told me while dating that she had a relationship with a roommate, but that she wasn't a lesbian and wasn't attracted to women and that she was straight and wanted to be with me.  I believed her because I wanted to believe her.  Now I look back and think about how stupid I was..  But that is different than being complicit.  Just because I ignored or was too stupid to see some signs doesn't mean I gave permission for her to lie to me.  Those are very different things.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Sun Oct 1 7:44 pm  #14


Re: I am taking some time for me

True.  I don't mean complicit like I deserve it or did it on purpose.  I just mean I accepted some behavoir I should have questioned.  3 years of unemployment?  I made excuses for him, depression, poor job market etc.  In  truth I was afraid to make him feel ashamed.  But 3 years?  Everyone was asking me wtf?  I just supported us.  Worked overtime out the ass.  I felt pity for him. 
It's not the same as knowing the rest of the bullshit was going on but I did turn a blind eye.  It's not the first time I have attracted a broken person.  I need to know I deserve better.  I need to stop fearing conflict and speak up.

Last edited by majenco (Sun Oct 1 8:53 pm)

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Sun Oct 1 8:23 pm  #15


Re: I am taking some time for me

Fearing conflict and speaking up are issues you can improve on, but I don't think you should blame yourself. 
You loved unconditionally, which is the highest hope for a spouse.  

I want you to establish a mindset right now that will show in how you interact with people in the future.  Take pride in the fact that you were faithful, honorable and loved unconditionally.  These are great things that people wish they could find in a wife.  Focus on these good things rather than being embarrassed about being lied to.  Don't say "I let him be unemployed or I allowed him to take advantage of me".  Instead, say, "I loved him and supported him despite the issues and gave my marriage everything I had". 

You are a survivor and a hero..  Remember that!   Few people in the world can say they went so far as you did to keep your vows and love your spouse. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Sun Oct 1 8:52 pm  #16


Re: I am taking some time for me

Thanks Phoenix!  I guess I have some work to do on myself.  I certainly have given this all I could.  Thanks for reminding me.

     Thread Starter
 

Sun Oct 1 8:55 pm  #17


Re: I am taking some time for me

Majenco-       
I truly feel for you. However you are not alone with these feelings. I was with my husband for 24 years and put the "blinders" on according to family members early on. I now see what they saw. We have been separated for nearly a year and it has been 2 years since discovery day. It has taken me this damn long to finally instruct the attorney 2 days ago to serve him with divorce papers. I still cry and struggle everyday, but I keep inching forward. I know now that I have been the victim of a true narcissist. He has told me many times he wants to stay married, but as soon as I told him even the tiniest requirements I had, he would get angry and tell me all my responsibility in our mess. BULLSHIT!!! The thing these bastards forget is that when they chose to marry us, their real choice should have been to "come out" or "stay in". The closet that is! They had absolutely no right to involve another human being in their so-called "confusion". I am so sorry for your suffering. For myself, I know my suffering will end when he is completely out of my life, even though I loved what I thought was him for all these years.

 

Sun Oct 1 9:16 pm  #18


Re: I am taking some time for me

Paula,
Wow 24 years.  It really is amazing how someone can just stick all that in a little compartment and be all "don't look in there!  Nothing to see here!"  I truly feel your sadness.  It's not war or the death of a child, but I definitely think it's in the top five most  painful  experiences.  Just look at how long it takes most to unravel from this mess.  Phoenix is right, we honor our vows we love with everything and feel intensely.  Sadly we feel the pain so intensely too.

     Thread Starter
 

Sun Oct 1 9:41 pm  #19


Re: I am taking some time for me

I have a friend who lost her husband in a car accident last November after 39 years together. She tells me she thinks grieving what you and I are going thru may be harder. There isn't a clear ending. All we ever wanted for loving someone so very much was the reward of having them by our side in our later years. Someone to share with and hold each other and tell each other how lucky we were to have each other all these years. My friend won't be rewarded either. She is grieving a husband who loved her deeply and she knew it in the depths of her heart.

 

Sun Oct 1 10:43 pm  #20


Re: I am taking some time for me

Thank you Paula.

 

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