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Sat Sep 30 6:27 pm  #1

I am taking some time for me

we went to the sex therapist.  There were actually two, a male and a female.  Since this is the first time he has seen his therapist since his claim of sexual abuse at the age of 4.  I revealed the information I had about gay porn and craigs list, cross dressing and web cams etc. 
As usual he wriggled all over claiming "curiosity" saying the prostate is an erogenous zone.  The therapist scoffed and said she knew very well about the prostate since she was a sex herapist but he didn't answer the question.  I damn near cheered at that.  The therapist  asked if we were interested in saving the marriage.  He said yes and I said I wanted to find out if it was a viable marriage.  She asked what that meant to me and I said I require monogamy and I didn't want him to have to white knuckle it.
The therapist said he seemed very uncomfortable talking about it and it was something that was going to take time to get into.  The agreement was for him to continue his therapy for eight weeks and then they will bring me back in.
I have had so much anxiety due to all this I finally asked him to move out for those 8 weeks so I can think straight without him confusing me.  I cannot enjoy anything.  When he's happy (6 months sober...yay!) I cannot relate.  I just feel life as I knew it slipping away.  When he's sad I feel guilty or codependent and reponsible for him.  I cried and said it would be best fior us to be apart for now.
He cried a bit but agreed to do it he said it was the least he could do. 
I am giving him a week to figure out where he's going to go.  He's been feeling sorry for himself.  Saying it's going to be hard on him but he will do it for me.🙄
I am hoping this separation will give me the strength to want to continue to be on my own and put myself first without him triggering my codependent enmeshment.
I am not expecting the sex therapists to come up with any earth shattering revelations. 
I just feel so empty and sad.  I am in deep mourning for the marriage I thought I had.


Sun Oct 1 5:55 am  #2

Re: I am taking some time for me

 Good for you for telling the therapists what you know, because in that setting he couldn't wriggle out of it.  But of course, bringing it into the open means both he and you had to confront his closeted gay status head on, and, while he may be in full panic mode (and fake remorse.."it's the least I can do": remember, this is a man who places Craigslist ads, etc, so is he really committed to you and worried about the effect of his behavior on you?), you are seeing more clearly the reality and leaving the bargaining stage--and it hurts!  I'm sorry you're feeling empty and sad.  Mourning the marriages we thought we had and the futures we had hoped and planned for is very painful.  
  How strong you are that even mourning and in pain you were able to act on your own behalf and tell him to give you some space, so he won't be able to keep mind-f***ing you  Good for you for protecting yourself!  Clearly you have recognized that one way he knows how to hook you in is through appealing to you by letting you know he's sad or needs help. 
    This is good knowledge to have, because whenever he starts in on the "this is hard for me, pity me" routine, you can recognize it for what it is--a particularly effective form of manipulation, and see him for what he is: the master manipulator acting in order to preserve his "in denial" status and his closet.  
  Don't be surprised if during the week's grace period you gave him that he will try to wriggle out of going or prolong the time until he is to move out.  During that week I expect he will be hard at work on you trying to change your mind, and if the "sadz" don't work he may go into verbal attack mode or some other from of the cruel devaluing that is a standard part of the narcissist's playbook. He knows you're vulnerable and what your vulnerabilities are.
    You know you can come here for strength and support!  


Sun Oct 1 6:17 am  #3

Re: I am taking some time for me

You should be so proud of yourself Majenco. To have that self-awareness during such a state of turmoil and to do what is best for you is no mean feat.

And well done on exposing him in a setting where other people could see him for what he is.

I agree with everything OOHC says, not much more to add, except keeping contact to a minimum whilst you are apart so you can get perspective. Hard, I know.

I hope he gives you space, yes it's the least he can do, as if he needed to add that for effect.

Keep on! You're doing really well.


Sun Oct 1 10:22 am  #4

Re: I am taking some time for me

Thanks OOHC and Duped,
I feel like I am moving in the right direction but so very slowly.  My therapist and all of my friends have been suggesting separation at least temporarily for a while.  I always back down from it.  This most recent episode where I became so angry I smashed our wedding portrait I realized this situation is turning me into someone I don't recognize and I don't like.
That's what made me decide to ask him to leave for now.  I need to clear my head, without any manipulation.  I need to come home from work without the desperate urge to check his phone.  I need peace.
I'm hoping that the time apart will teach me that I am just fine on my own as I have been many times before.  Really I just want the codependent gaslighting fog to lift so I can operate from a place of common sense rather than just emotionally reacting like a child.
By the time we get back to the therapist and he says whatever he's going to say (I'm bicurious, I was abused so it's not my fault I cheated, I was drunk, I was rejected, I just needed NSA sex) I can just be ready to say what I have to say.  I think Kel said it best (she's my freaking hero btw) that trying to figure out the why of it is not going to fix the problem.  However we got here i have been hurt.  Mindfucked, soul raped and he is the one who did it.  Victim or not he abused me and nothing gives him the right to hurt me with his lies and his manipulation.  There are consequences to those actions. 
I deserve better, I know I do.  I just need to believe that in my heart and get off the floor and stand up for myself.

Last edited by majenco (Sun Oct 1 10:23 am)

     Thread Starter

Sun Oct 1 11:03 am  #5

Re: I am taking some time for me

Good for you, you're making sense, we all hear the same crap from these people - it is beyond.

I hope you find a little peace as you say, it's so important to have that.


Sun Oct 1 12:30 pm  #6

Re: I am taking some time for me

Majenco, I read your story in the form of a letter to your partner in the "Our stories" section and sent you a private message.  Thank you for sharing it.  


Sun Oct 1 2:25 pm  #7

Re: I am taking some time for me

Majenco - "Soul raped".  I hadn't heard that one before.  It is a very good description of what happens to those of us in this situation.  I will remember it.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Sun Oct 1 3:01 pm  #8

Re: I am taking some time for me

I am so sorry you can relate to my story.  I agree that the time apart will hopefully help clear my mind.  I want to believe I will feel ready to leave if that's what I must do when the time comes.  Even in the midst of all this he continues to be kind towards me but mopey and sulking for himself.  I need to just be by myself and hope for clarity and strength.  Every single one of you who have responded and shared your advice and experience are helping me on my painful journey and making it a little less lonely. 
Thanks, sincerely thank you.  I needed to hear your words now more than ever.

Last edited by majenco (Sun Oct 1 3:04 pm)

     Thread Starter

Sun Oct 1 3:10 pm  #9

Re: I am taking some time for me

Do remember Majenco, that being kind is what they keep you engaged, it's self-serving.

Remember what he's done in these moments.


Sun Oct 1 5:03 pm  #10

Re: I am taking some time for me


I also read your story, and in many ways, it is all of our stories. You are brave and strong, and have taken the first step. Keep moving forward, it really does get a little easier every day. You are right, they were never, ever what we thought they were, they are nothing but cowards who stole years from us without our knowledge. Reclaim your life.


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