Hi LilyPeacock, 

Welcome to our group.  I hope we can provide you with good council and support. 

It sounds like you and your partner have gone down a path that most of us considered, but few of us were willing to actually accept.  The gay partner wants to have sex with members of their own gender to fulfill their sexual urges.  Some people are willing to allow their partner to do this because they can compartmentalize the sexuality apart from the emotional and intellectual love.  You were able to do this.  I'm not sure if it was coerced or volunteered, but somehow you loved your partner and your life together enough to make this work.  Most of the members of this forum considered this idea, but decided they couldn't walk this path.  Neither is necessarily better or worse.. just different. 

So now you've lived the life of an open relationship and you are learning that your partner is no longer satisfied with only the physical intimacy.  This is very interesting to me.  As I said, most of us didn't chose this path, so we have very few people who have shared experiences in your shoes.  
If you had asked me ahead of time if I thought a gay husband who wanted to stay with his wife, but still have sex outside the relationshiop would be happy with this arrangement long term.. I would have said yes.  I think most of us have the assumption that men are more drawn physically toward a mate, while women are more drawn emotionally to a mate.  So if you gave the man the latitude to fulfill the physical needs outside the marriage, you would assume he would remain happy with the emotional aspects in the marriage.  But, you are reporting that he is now seeking both the physical and emotional needs outside. 

While I'm no expert on how to make an open relationship work.  I can offer you some advice and lots of support. 

I would tell you that you are not bound to this relationship.  You said that you had been in a relationship for a couple years before he told you this.  It's a pretty big secret to keep for two years with someone you claim to be in love with.  If you are only dating, and not married, then ending the relationship is a very simple thing from a process standpoint.  Clearly not from an emotional standpoint though..   If you are not happy with your partner then there is a very easy solution..  end the relationship and move on.  Why stay in a relationship that clearly has no chance of long term success.  He told you that he is "Bi", but you know now that he's not BI.. he is gay.  Most gay people claim to be BI before fully coming out.  It softens the blow and makes it seem like an innocent transition that comes in time.. when the truth is, it usually a lie.  They know they are gay, just want to take the time to ease into the reality of it. 

We do support you, no matter what path you chose.  If you haven't yet, please look into the face to face support groups that we have in most major cities.  Having a real human in front of you who has a shared experience can be a huge help.     

Keep sharing your story and your feelings here..  Just the act of writing things out can be great therapy. 

One final bit of advice.. Please be safe.  You know he's hooking with random men and in doing so, he is exposing himself and then you to many very dangerous diseases.  Your life and health is more important than helping him maintain the public appearance of being a straight man. 

 

Hi MsPeacock,

when you say you are L, do you mean you are lesbian?  If so then I can offer the example of my ex - he is gay in denial.  Before me he was in a committed relationship for three years they broke up and both moved on to straight partners - he thought she was straight and she thought he was straight and neither of them were - there's a real shortage of chemistry like that.  

if you are straight or lesbian may I suggest that overwhelmingly the reports are that straights do not do well long term married to anybody other than another straight.  Nobody does well in them really.  I ended up recognising that it wasn't just me, his emotional health would improve if I divorced him.

And echo concerns for your health - If he's bonking lots of men periodically I shudder to think what your risk of exposure to disease is.

wishing you all the best, Lily