I agree with all those points..   My divorce on that day was pomp and circumstance.  She made her choice long ago.

What solidified my decision is how she became..

My ex  became so abusive with rage and anger... I was already hurt by TGT, lying and cheating.   Reading a pamphlet in my lawyer's office for battered spouses  I satisfied nearly all the criteria on their
list short of bruises on me;

-verbal abuse
-mental abuse
-physical threats
-financial threats and abuse.


So if TGT didn't solidify my decision I knew I could not live with person like that.  I would have a breakdown or die.     And my kids needed an alive, sane dad.

No .. our spouses chose long ago.
 

Majenco,
Yes. You still have compassion. And anger and doubt about all he has ever said and done and promised.  I do too.  It's a terrible rollercoaster. I am curious about how many of these spouses say they were abused in childhood. Mine says he was. Is this a thing they do to get our compassion or is it a thing that actually leads to Gay sex seeking, addiction, whatever later?  I am always trying to analyse this and wrap my head around how he could do this to me. There is no excuse. But can we figure it out?  I have been told by my therapist to stop engaging in husband analysing and think about what I want. I am slowly getting better at that. Very slowly. I think it is our brains trying to make sense of the incomprehensible. I still analyse.

Majenco,
  You wish you could fix things, you wish you could change him, you wish he had the same compassion and feelings for you that you have for him.  But you have also now realized that you can't fix things, change him, infuse him with the compassion that would have prevented him from doing the hurtful things he did. You know that for whatever reason, he acted in ways that demonstrate he was willing to sacrifice you.  For your own self-protection and future happiness and health, you know you have to leave.
    To let go, you also know that you have to stop wishing these things, but it's so very hard.  So much of the way we find value in ourselves is invested in caring, so to have to deliberately harden your heart feels like a betrayal of the self.  
    You are grieving, and the way you feel is part of letting go.  Be kind to yourself.  But also take some small steps, concrete actions, to set you on the path toward your own life.  To do so will help you from staying stuck in the limbo of grieving.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 21, 2017 7:18 am)

Majenco,

Welcome.  I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. 

I knew all along that my ex had been horrifically sexually abused as a child - by adults.  I am angry that anyone would do such things to a child, and I regret that he still to this day suffers due to it.  BUT...... it's not an excuse for them to cheat on you, lie to you, manipulate you, gas light you, etc.  Abuse might explain where some individuals same-sex desires took root.  But,.... does it matter?  I mean, it's not like the origin of their same-sex desires matters all that much, in the end.  If they were born gay, then that's the origin.  If they were abused into being gay (I'm using it just for the sake of the example - I'm not necessarily saying that it's even possible to be "abused into" being gay) then that's the reason.  If they never had a strong male figure in their life and they're gay from needing male approval, then that's the reason.  In the end though, it's still the same end result.  They're gay - which means that they're not attracted to people of your sex, and they're attracted to people of the sex that you're not.

Also,.... them being gay or not has literally zero to do with their choices on how they handled that.  I know that there's lots of people who think that society has put gay people in a position where they couldn't come out.  But,.... that's not true.  Yes, it's been shameful for people to be gay - especially in the past.  But it's not like they were executed over it.  And it's not like being single in this day and age is that big of a deal.  They didn't HAVE to get married.  No one put a damned gun to their head.  And no one made them lie to us about it. They didn't have to choose to cheat on us.  They could have just decided to keep sticking it out - like WE have done.  That even if they weren't completely sexually fulfilled it wasn't justification to betray us.  And when they did, and we found out, they didn't have to keep lying to us.  That was their choice.  Trying to connect it to their childhood abuse is overreaching.  Damage from abuse was likely inevitable.  But no one forced them to take that damage and re-visit it on US.  That was THEIR choice.

I firmly believe that if you're in a marriage where your basic marital needs aren't being met, and you've made those feelings clear, and they're STILL not resolved, then you have every right to walk away.  Why choose unhappiness every day?  Even if you were to stay for your damaged spouse's sake, it's not making THEM healed and happy.  If that were the case, they would already be healed and happy.

Kel