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Mon Sep 25 8:43 pm  #21


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

That he hasn't been with a man yet proves absolutely nothing about whether he's gay or not. My husband, who declared he is transgendered, is in the closet because the sense of shame he feels about his desires is overwhelming.  And as for sex between you two, that proves nothing about whether he's gay or not, either.  Trauma bonding, hysterical bonding--it's real.  
 In a heterosexual culture--heteronormative--we are all affected by the messages, and that goes for gay people, too.  
You don't want to believe he's gay.  But any man who has fantasized about gay sex since he was 13?  I have a hard time believing he's anything but gay.  Don't underestimate social pressure and shame.  And don't underestimate the warping effects of the closet. 
  My observation is that the whole lot of time you're spending trying to figure him out is a form of bargaining over what you don't want to be true.
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Mon Sep 25 8:44 pm)

 

Mon Sep 25 9:51 pm  #22


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

OOHC refers to the concept of cognitive dissonance.  You believe two seperate conflicting realities.  Your heart believes what you want to believe.  Your brain tells you what is true but you ignore it because you don't want it to be true.

I suffered from this for many years


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Tue Sep 26 12:00 am  #23


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

OutOfHisCloset,

Omg, wow. So you're husband is transgendered but not going through with anything medically because of his shame? Continues living as a man? So he's with other men because he considers himself a hetero woman?

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Sep 26 12:05 am  #24


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Phoenix,

I know my head knows things based on the norm or what most others do, I just don't know what he will do. It's a gamble. He's got a lot of growing up to do on top of everything else. I'm not making excuses for him, I just don't think he totally fits into the average mold. I have my therapy in the morning and my therapist has lots of experience with this stuff, I'll keep working it out with her and keep my eyes open. I appreciate all the feedback, please don't stop, I need to keep hearing what you guys are saying.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Sep 26 2:08 am  #25


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Jamie, my ex is also feminises himself so although won’t declare himself trans he acts mostly like OOHCs husband who does consider himsely trans - although I think there is a difference between these people where it is mostly sexual and fantasist in nature.

But yes, mine hadn’t acted out with men in the 30 odd years before we met but I still think he’s gay. He thinks not having done it in real life makes him straight. No it just makes him in denial. I think the same goes for your guy. He’s obviously terrified of being gay. If he was straight or even genuinely bi he wouldn’t be giving all this a thought he’d just stick to women. You are going through the realisation process here. I still struggle with the dissonance because they put a good act on and we believe it when they are loving and attentive but hey if they’re straight then stop with the porn and the fantasies and the feminisation.

My guy was deeply into the ts scene online, acting out being forced to donthings to men whilst feminised, and being humiliated by women calling him gay as they showed pics of men. Yet he considers himself straight because it’s what the women are making him do that gets him off. This is what we’re up against. This sort of warped thinking. Any average person would be clear that he’s gay and repressing alongside trans attraction, which as OOHC has said before is probably because they reflect what he wants to be. But also mine says he doesn’t want to transition or take it further (who knows the truth?!!) but he clearly can’t help himself or stop himself acting out. I don’t want to live in a relationship where my love is constantly craving sexual activity with trans people or men EVEN if he never acted on it. My soul doesn’t need breaking in that way any longer.

None of us want to believe what we see but it is what it is, us killing ourselves and bending our core needs is only hurting us, and probably them too.

Last edited by Duped (Tue Sep 26 2:09 am)

 

Tue Sep 26 2:36 am  #26


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Duped,

Yes, I totally get what your saying and sometimes resent having to be in this world and put in so much energy, yet I'm so much happier in the marriage than I was with Mr. Vanilla for 18 years. Wtf is wrong with me, ugh.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Sep 26 2:41 am  #27


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Well there’s vanilla and there’s mind fucking, I’m sure there’s loads of honest men out there who don’t want to be completely vanilla who we can have a peaceful soul and an exciting life with. I would suggest you have a think about what you consider ‘happy’ because the slow creep erodes your esteem and we end up thinking if we’re not wailing we’re happy. I know happy, I’ve been happy and that doesn’t include tormenting myself and reaching out for support in places like this. I only say all of this because I care, I don’t want to be harsh. Typing this stuff helps me too.

 

Tue Sep 26 3:19 am  #28


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Duped,

Totally get it, saying these things to myself also. It's like if I could swap him out for the perfect guy for me, I'm sure I could move on without blinking, but I worry about my choices and I will always love him and want to see him happy. Sometimes I'm completely resolved to move on and other times I think there is hope. I have the choice to keep putting myself in this situation, to keep trying and being open to compromise, all the other choices are his and I have no control of him. I know I have to set solid boundaries and if he violates any relating to trust it's got to be over and I need to move on.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Sep 26 3:37 am  #29


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Jamie, do you feel he desires you? Does he make you feel gorgeous and sexy and wanted?

You know what pissed me off. Mine spent hours feminising himself, recording his antics and playing them back, watching trannys, having sexual conversations with cds online, paying how much for online porn, tranny subscriptions and online ads.

YET he spent our entire holiday, 7 nights sleeping next to me and didn’t approach me for sex ONCE. Now he says he’s straight and wants me only. FFS no.

 

Tue Sep 26 7:23 am  #30


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

OCJamie,
    My transgender husband considers himself a lesbian and likes women.  He's an autogynephile.  TGs vary in type.
    You say you have the choice "to keep trying and being open to compromise, all the other choices are his..."  Actually, you have another choice, which is to decide what you want and to act on that.  However, you're in reactive mode.

 

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