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Mon Sep 25 10:22 am  #11


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

I agree with Rob. 

As a straight male I can tell you that straight men have no attraction to other men.  A straight man who looked at porn would avoid gay pages/chats at all cost.  It's gross to a straight man to see other men in a sexual way. 

I also had the experience of having an uptick in sexual interest from my ex just before the end.  She had fallen in love with another woman and I think a couple things happened.  First her desire for the other woman made her more horny.. so she wanted some outlet and while I wasn't who she wanted, i was at least there.  Second, In an effort to hide her newfound love she used sex with me to keep me from suspecting anything.  If she had more sex with me and made me think she loved me then I surely would not accuse her of loving someone else right???  To be clear, she still never instigated sex, but she at least granted my requests a bit more often in those last 6 months.  

Rose.. you didn't have sex for 2 years?  A straight man with a wife shouldn't want to go more than 2 weeks without sex (actually 2 day to be more real).  To go 2 years without sex with a wife who desires him means he simple didn't want it..   That tells me he is gay. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Sep 25 10:32 am  #12


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Rose,

I'm so sorry. Sounds like my husband would be perfect for your husband, his fantasy is being the submissive bottom, ugh.

Just wish they could be totally honest and quit hiding anything, right there is half the battle, and I'm not even talking the gay stuff.

Seems like some of this gay stuff is about character, why is the gay stuff any different that a straight person being interested in watching porn and thinking about other people? Why can't they choose monogamy when straight people do? So many questions, I'm so not sure of the answers.

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Sep 25 11:19 am  #13


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

OCJamie wrote:

Seems like some of this gay stuff is about character, why is the gay stuff any different that a straight person being interested in watching porn and thinking about other people? Why can't they choose monogamy when straight people do? So many questions, I'm so not sure of the answers.

I'm not sure of the stats, but I would guess that rates of cheating between homosexual monogamous couples and heterosexual monogamous couples are probably similar.   However, when a homosexual is married to a heterosexual i think the rate of cheating is much higher.  

Think of it this way..  Let's compare to coffee and tea.   Let's say you are str8 and in a str8 marriage, so you like coffee (women).  You've committed to drinking coffee and while there are other flavors of coffee out there, you still get to drink coffee.  If your life was centered around that cup of coffee and you made vows to only drink that cup of coffee you probably wouldn't go around drinking other coffee in secret.   But let's say you wanted the world to think you were a coffee drinker, when in reality you like tea.  You found a nice cup of coffee.. maybe the best coffee you could find and you promised to stick with that cup of coffee.  Over time you realized that no matter how hard you try you can't make yourself want to drink that coffee.. you really crave tea.  What is the likelyhood that you are going to go around in secret and drink tea..   I think MUCH higher. 

Please don't think I'm trying to stick up for gay people who marry straight people.. I'm using the illustration above to explain why it is so much different for a gay person to choose monogamy vs. a straight person.  I'm not trying to give them justification or excuses. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Sep 25 1:07 pm  #14


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Phoenix,

Do you think there is such a thing as bi? I'm not sure. I know he loves me and when we are open and honest the sex is pretty good and I feel his desire. It's when he shuts down and hides his feelings that we have issues.

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Sep 25 2:18 pm  #15


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

That is a great question Jamie. 

I think there really are people who are bi-sexual, but I think the population is MUCH smaller than everyone thinks. 

I have a  female friend who wanted guys in high school and college and then experimented with girls after college..  She is now in her early 40's and says that she genuinely likes both.  She isn't married, has a very open and accepting family and lives in a part of the country where being gay or lesbian would be very well accepted.  I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't be completely honest with me.  She says she is genuinely bi-sexual.  She likes the look of a woman's body, the softness and curves.  She likes the force and strength of a man's body.  I have to believe her because there is no reason why she would be lying to me.  So based on that personal connection I can't say that Bi is a lie. 

So, while I do think there are people who are really bi-sexual, I think the truth is that it's a very small group of people.. much smaller than what you hear about.  I think many/most of the people who say they are Bi are really not.  I think that nearly every spouse of members on this forum are absolutely lying about it. 

Why do I think Bi is not very prevalent:
First, I think it's a easy excuse.  I think our society is much more accepting of a person who is Bi vs. gay.  I think someone who has spent a lifetime trying to hide their same sex attraction and get's caught in that lie will almost always use the "bi" card as the first excuse.  They will say they aren't really gay.. just curious.  They are mostly straight, but maybe a little bit bisexual.  For a gay person married to a straight spouse, being "Bi" means they didn't really lie to us completely when we got married to them.  It means they can still love us fully.  It's a way to make themselves look less guilty and less awful. 
The second reason I think "bi" is a lie for most people is that I believe a concept that says that says that when young, sex is exciting with the opposite sex even if it isn't who you are attracted to simply because sex is exciting.  I think a teen or someone in their 20's  is just excited about the idea of having sex.  Most teen males have such a high sex drive that it's very easy for them to have sex with a woman even if they don't dig their anatomy.. just because they are there to have sex with.  There is still intimacy and thrill and new feelings and acceptance that comes with sex.  They might prefer a male body, but being able to just have sex is something exciting and pleasurable.  Most who are in denial about their sexuality think they will like it better with practice.  They will think they can learn to love it as their love for their partner increases.  However, as people age and sex drives decrease and it becomes old and stale, the reasons they might have been able to perform at a younger age go away and they find they can only get excited about the body parts they truly desire. 

These are just my opinions.. I'm no expert at all.. and I've never had a shred of same sex desire, so I can't claim to have any personal experience with the topic.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Sep 25 4:12 pm  #16


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Phoenix,

What you're saying makes sense, and I too have a high school gf who really is bi too, maybe men can't really be bi, idk. I know there is that honeymoon thing too, when sex with anyone new is exciting. But, there is more than sex between me and the hubby, when he's being honest anyway, lol. Wish I had a crystal ball, I'm too old for this shit.

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Sep 25 5:02 pm  #17


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

I have a good female friend too who is genuinely bi, she likes her women to have bouncy breast and her men to be manly. I don't think bi is the same for men and women although I'm sure there can be genuinely bi guys I think they are few and far between.

 

Mon Sep 25 5:09 pm  #18


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Duped,

I' did talk to bi guys on the bi dating site, trying to pick their brains, it has to be true for some men, idk for my hubby. What does it mean if you've been masturbating to the thought of men since you were 13 and now you're 33 and never acted on it? Talked to guys and tried to go through with it, but never could even go meet them in person.

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Sep 25 5:58 pm  #19


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

OCJamie wrote:

Duped,

I' did talk to bi guys on the bi dating site, trying to pick their brains, it has to be true for some men, idk for my hubby. What does it mean if you've been masturbating to the thought of men since you were 13 and now you're 33 and never acted on it? Talked to guys and tried to go through with it, but never could even go meet them in person.

It means you are gay and most likely just haven't been caught yet.  If he is honest about not acting it's because he's too scared to get caught.  I would put money on it being a lie though.


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Sep 25 6:37 pm  #20


Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

No, he's not lying, I'm certain he hasn't acted on it.....yet. It's plain to see how much it's tormenting him and how much he really doesn't want to have these feelings and is so scared of HIV. He also sees what a sad life being gay is, he has a gay friend and this guy has no desire to spend his life as a couple and doesn't have protected sex, takes the pill to not get AIDS. Hubby really finds it to be unnatural and wrong, so he is tortured about it. I think he hides it to save my feelings, but also for selfish reasons.  I had an affair 3 years ago, he could have come clean a million times, I am 100% convinced he hasn't physically been with a man, yet.

     Thread Starter
 

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