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Wed Sep 20 1:59 am  #1

Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Super long story here, I met my husband online over 5 years ago. I was 44 and he was 27, that's already weird I know. He was in the military and we had common musical taste. We talked online and over the phone for a while and then he disappeared, when we started speaking again he told me he was gay. He's from a very religious family in Texas and had never acted on any gay behavior. At that moment I told him that was fine and when he got back from his out of state training we would hang out and I would help him to go be gay. When he finally came back a month or so later he came to spend the weekend with me and he was so cute and hung on every word I said, following me around like a baby duckling. We would were intimate the first weekend and I continued dating other men, we were so honest with each other about everything. I would show him videos men sent me masturbating and it was a huge turn on to us both and so freeing to have all this honesty with someone. We continued hanging out and fell in love I guess, I didn't want to fall in love with him but he made me. I should also mention he liked to cross dress and never really did it before, I encouraged it and let him know that didn't make him gay, started to realize he didn't really know himself too much and was pretty dicked up from his upbringing, like crazy end of the world stuff. We were really open about everything and he told me that he wasn't gay after all, maybe bi, and he wanted to be monogamous with me, I agreed after a lot of discussion. We were married 6 months later and it's been almost 5 years now. He's gone back and forth on the cross dressing, throwing everything away and rebuying it a few times. He decided he wanted to be a make up artist at one point and got into that, got into soccer, got into a band, he's just all over the place. Also got his commercial drivers license and went back to school after getting out right after we married, all these years have been all about him and going back and forth on everything we talked about, what I wanted out of life, what I expect in a partner, etc. I have grown kids and my tubes tied, he thought he wanted kids at one point. Also I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict, sober 31 years now and talked to him about whether or not he would smoke pot when he got out, he said no. Ending up smoking pot and eating edibles behind my back, with my oldest kid, ugh. We split at one point and when he came back there was supposed to be a total honesty policy. Found out he cross dressed and made a profile on Plenty of Fish, was watching gay porn and masturbating for a year and a half behind my back. Just so many lies and hiding crap. He's had a huge drinking problem which has finally tapered off and we have been in marital counseling for a couple years, me in individual counseling and him finally seeing a counselor who specializes in gay/Bi/Trans. I'm giving it till January to make my final decision about what to do here. We do love each other deeply, but I think he's trying so hard to not be gay, don't feel the attraction any more and he's told me how he fantisizes about getting rimmed and anal sex, if I talk about a man giving him love he gets instantly hard, if I'm standing there naked there's nothing and our sex is not very often. I've been so supportive over the years, going to the cross dressing clubs, pegging him, having him watch gay porn to get turned on before sex. If our problems stopped at sex there wouldn't be such an issue, I know the age thing comes into play too and I feel the vibes coming off him, he hates this grown up life I've forced him into, he put the make up career on hold and is driving trucks now. He says everything is ok, but I can tell when he touches me that he's not into me. I'll be 50 next month and I just had a tummy tuck and breast lift 7 months ago and I'm damn hot! He's 33 now, not really a kid. I should mention he never really had long term relationships but swears he's never acted out on gay behavior, I believe him because I see how scared he is of it even though it turns him on so much. We have had spurts where things are great and then I see the depression come over him. He wants to be married to me, in word anyway, but his actions never match up, and I guess how can they when he's probably gay and I don't have the right parts? He's very hairy but trim, he's into the bears and leather daddies. Ok, my phone is running low and this was way too much. Hopefully not too many typos.


Wed Sep 20 2:30 am  #2

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Hi Jamie

I'm sorry you're here.

Your story is almost identical to mine. Younger man (over 10 years difference) with (allegedly) no prior sexual experience, crossdressing, sex ads, pot, lies. I think they go for the older woman because they think they'll get aome sort of experience/ domination because that's what porn tells them happens and that's what they want to start but I do think they are really gay in a weird way, through some need for validation as a 'woman'. Mine watched trans porn and advertised for sex with them.

I wasn't married luckily but I did leave him, too many lies, no trust and no real sexual interest in me.

Please hang around here there are others with similar experience who can try and help you.

Last edited by Duped (Wed Sep 20 6:15 am)


Wed Sep 20 3:02 pm  #3

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Thank you Duped, I'm so glad I found this Forum and reading stories so similar to mine, have felt crazy for years. Mad at myself that I'm so attached to this guy and don't just end it, all the signs all there that it isn't going to end well.

     Thread Starter

Wed Sep 20 3:58 pm  #4

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

To clarify, I really meant I was going to help him be gay, be his "fag hag", doing anal play on him and helping him to not be scared to go be gay. I felt so bad for him that he didn't seem to have much information and had been so sheltered in life. As far as pegging, I actually put on a strap on and did him in the butt a few times, it was actually pretty hot and I didn't mind it, just seemed like from that point everything was about him and him fulfilling all his fantasies. At that time he was having major premature ejaculation issues and I wasn't getting my orgasms, finally had to be blunt and tell him he needed to take care of me too, could be his fingers, vibrator, whatever. He really had no long term sexual relationships in the past, guess no woman ever explained to him about female orgasm and how women are like an old car and men like a sports car, women need to be warmed up.

He did quit the pot within the first year,  but it took years of explaining to him that I wasn't trying to control him, this was about me and that pot was my drug of choice and I wouldn't have dated him or married him if he was going to do it. All the drinking, same thing, I don't expect him to not drink, just not over drink to the point of being a retard or throwing up. So many things were about "control" with him. Dude, I'm not trying to control you, I'm just trying to get you to understand where I'm coming from and follow through with who you said you were, what you would and wouldn't do and what goals of mine you were going to help me reach. I was so open about who I was and what I wanted, that hasn't changed. The only thing I have gotten in our 5 years was my plastic surgery, and I needed it. Was 300 pounds 7 years ago and had weight loss surgery, so lots of saggy skin, maintaining 140 pound weight loss. There was another post, not sure if it was yours? About the wife with an eating disorder and coming from alcoholic family, that's me! Mom was bipolar and alcoholic, dad a drug addict and not there for me, I became an alcoholic as a teen and got sober shortly before turning 19, I crashed my car on my 18th bday, killing my friend who was the passenger. I was also molested by my stepdad for years from 10 to 13, right under my mom's nose, she was drunk and I had to depend on this guy. So anyway, I've been in years of therapy, but I see I'm the prime type of person to fall into this crazy situation I'm in, ugh.

I got married at 22 to a man in AA who had a 3 year old daughter, mom was out of the picture and I wanted to nurture this little girl and be her mommy and loved this guy, but more of it was probably about his kid and my lack of nurturing growing up. We married and had a son a few years later, I raised his daughter and worked full time. This man left me when our son was 5 months old, and there went my step daughter. A year later I started dating a guy at work, not totally attracted to him, but he was a great guy, loved my kid, wanted to buy a house with me, so I went. Did everything for my son, wanted him to have stability and a great life, the life I didn't have, his dad was not much in the picture after the divorce. Anyway, I had a daughter a few years later with the second hubby, was never really sexually attracted to him but he was a good dad and we had a good life, eventually I was so lonely in the marriage I blew up to 300 pounds. Everything in my life was about the kids and being super mom, I worked half time for 12 years and volunteered at school, Little League, daughter did soccer, gymnastics, etc. just made everything about giving my kids a good life and being there for them.

We became foster parents to 2 girls that were friends with my son in middle school, I just had to help these girls, again, more of that I wasn't nurtured and I had to nurture and help these girls, no matter how sucky my life was. We did this for a couple years.

Finally after my weight loss surgery I realized I wasn't going to be successful staying in this marriage and had to end it, son was out of the house, daughter was 14, gave my husband the option to stay married and raise her and date other people, he said no and wanted a divorce. So during the divorce I was sleeping with every guy who walked, I had years of pent up sexual energy to get out and I lost my freaking mind for about a year, which was when I met my current hubby. So I can see there were so many issues at play here, my losing my mind, my being this nurturer who is trying to fix my own past, etc.

More things keep coming up that I forgot to mention, I made us a profile on a bi dating site a few years ago, was serious about going through with it, he's the one that backed out. He just didn't want that in his life and wasn't sure how he would feel about himself if he actually went through with it. Fast forward 2 years later, made a profile again with his blessing, we were talking to people, he backed out again, even got hostile about some of the men calling them "faggots", I had to laugh at that one, he's got some serious denial going on. He wants so bad to be straight, and I get that, in what world, especially in his macho world, would being gay be ideal?

All of this sort of reminds me of my second marriage, I wanted the security of marriage and wanted the financial perks, just wasn't attracted to the man and as much as I wanted to be and knew he needed sex and love, I just couldn't give it to him after a few years, I was physically repulsed by him, probably similar to how my husband now feels about me. Wow, karma is a bitch!

     Thread Starter

Thu Sep 21 5:00 pm  #5

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

It wasn't me Jamie, I had a great upbringing, I have a wonderful happy family. I still fall for these men, 2nd time for me.

Difference between you and me is if I'd have known ANY of this at the beginning I'd have run for the hills. In fact 6 months in I told him of my previous experience finding out a partner was gay (and worse) and said if you have anything like that going on just walk away.

It's not for me, I want trust, honesty and loyalty.


Thu Sep 21 8:24 pm  #6

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Omg, wow. I feel so stupid most of the time, should have realized his words didn't mean anything. I figured if he was bi and attracted to me and really into me, hadn't actually been with a man, and was wanting to be with me and be monogamous, what's the difference? At the time I would have liked to continue having sex with every Marine at Camp Pendleton, but I chose him and would commit to him, so what's the difference? That's how I look at it, doesn't matter if he's attracted to other people if he's attracted to me, but I'm figuring out that was just the honeymoon period and now his true attraction to men is really coming out.

     Thread Starter

Thu Sep 21 8:27 pm  #7

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

I'm so freaking honest about who I am from all my years in therapy and 12 step programs. Just figure most people should know themselves and be honest. I just should have never tried to work it out the first time I kicked him out.

     Thread Starter

Sun Sep 24 3:43 pm  #8

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

I think lots of us are tempted to think, well if he wants to be monogamous then that's ok to start with Jamie. Then we realise they NEED the gay element. We can't comprehend because we can easily choose monogamy and we want to stick to it, we aren't forced to. I don't know the answers but the pattern here is that bi/trans usually means overwhelming gay urges (I know this isn't always the case, but those who can commit to monogamy don't have spouses who need to end up here).


Mon Sep 25 7:58 am  #9

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

I discovered phone records showing my husband spent hours in gay chat rooms.  He opened up to me that he is BDSM and he is heterosexual  dominant top. He said it was not about sex but about control and he is heterosexual.  He  has apologized and said he is committed to our marriage.  We have been married 23 years.  Long ago I found other evidence such as gay men video and gay websites.  I was suspicious but in denial.  I am not in denial and it hurts so bad.  My biggest fear is that I will come across more evidence in the future although he says "it was a mistake", "I was exploring my fantasy".  and he will stop.

Literature says the dominants are heterosexual male (most of the time) and sex may or may not be apart of his scene.  But he had submissive gay men.

My feelings are that he has to be at least bisexual.  We did not have sex for 2 years and now we revived our sex life and passion, which we both say is great.  Is it to little to late?  Is he gay?  If your not gay then you're not going to do anything sexual with a man.  Am I right?  Please advise.  I am so confused.

Last edited by Roseart12 (Mon Sep 25 7:59 am)


Mon Sep 25 9:47 am  #10

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Roseart12 wrote:

I discovered phone records showing my husban.... He has apologized and said he is committed to our marriage. We have been married 23 years. Long ago I found other evidence such as gay men video and gay websites. I was suspicious but in denial. I am not in denial and it hurts so bad. My biggest fear is that I will come across more evidence in the future although he says "it was a mistake", "I was exploring my fantasy". and he will stop.
My feelings are that he has to be at least bisexual. We did not have sex for 2 years and now we revived our sex life and passion, which we both say is great. Is it to little to late? Is he gay? If your not gay then you're not going to do anything sexual with a man. Am I right? Please advise. I am so confused.

So sorry Roseart12.     As a straight male on the forum here I would have to say if you put a gun to my head I would not like men.  I'm divorced now and a bit lonely  but still I would not be attracted to or want anything to do
physically with a male.   Just saying as I know how confused these spouses make us in their reality.
I also did not do anything outside my marriage..

Not to alarm you but before my ex stopped coming near me physically  (having hooked up and made her decision with her girlfriend)  she had re-sparked our sex life suddenly.  It had always been I had to initiate everything...suddenly she was initiating... I thought this was great but  It turns out she was like deciding if she still liked me  (and men)... sadly I lost that decision or a physically fit male was no match for a bossy ugly woman..  Its great for ones self esteem.  

So sorry.   I cant help too much has my spouse expressed no remorse  or desire to keep the marriage.   I urge you
to get tested for STDs  and be aware of what he is doing (snoop) which is very sad and demeaning ...I'm curious what proofs and remorse he has offered that he has stopped and wants the marriage?   What has he done to allay your fears and re-gain trust?   Does he let you read his phone and all other devices?  

A warm welcome to the forum..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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