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Mon Sep 18 12:12 pm  #21


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and words of encouragement.  I don't feel strong right now but somewhere inside me there is someone stirring.  She is stronger than the person I am today.  She is getting angry and that's a good thing.  Hopefully she will be stepping up more and more with help from therapy.  I have reached out to friends and family and all have my back so that is a definite positive for the future. 
Of course I still struggle with fear, anxiety and uncertainty.  I won't pretend I'm not deeply conflicted at this point, but each day I feel myself slipping farther and farther from the illusion that this is a real marriage.  It's not going to be quick but at some point I know my limit for this situation will be reached. 
Thanks again for the guidance and non judgemental listening.  It helps so much as my friends are all intent on pushing me out the door immediately.  I need to be ready.

 

Wed Sep 20 11:13 pm  #22


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Majenco,
I am new here but our stories sound similar in some ways. Except I have many more years of my life given away to a hopeless scenario.  Alcohol addiction and sex addiction.  It won't get better with time. It will get worse. I will say to you what I would love to go back and say to my youger self:  Get out now. Don't give more of your one precious life to a person who does not have the capacity to appreciate you. He will not change.  He wants to keep things as they are. Protect yourself financially.  You must do this for your children. Get good financial and legal advice. Don't reveal your plans to him. I got a post-nup.  It may be another option for you to explore while he is still trying to act as if he wants to reconcile. It can buy you time and it can also make him legally commit financial resources to you now and in case of divorce. Just some things I have learned in this terrible journey. Love yourself. Give yourself the love you deserve. It won't come from him. My husband was so sweet also. Like, the best.  I am so sorry you are going through this. Now imagine you are going through it in ten fifteen or twenty years from now. Which would you choose?

 

Thu Sep 21 3:50 am  #23


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I'm so sorry this happened to you too.  I was actually thinking of a post nup.  This is definitely something I will have to look into.  He has said he would sign something saying he would pay back the money I put out to pay off his credit card debt. 
I have loved him completely for 12 years.  I have to love myself more.  He's not going to do it.

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Sep 21 8:12 am  #24


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Goonnowgo wrote:

Majenco,
I am new here but our stories sound similar in some ways. Except I have many more years of my life given away to a hopeless scenario. Alcohol addiction and sex addiction. It won't get better with time. It will get worse. I will say to you what I would love to go back and say to my youger self: Get out now. Don't give more of your one precious life to a person who does not have the capacity to appreciate you. He will not change. He wants to keep things as they are. Protect yourself financially. You must do this for your children. Get good financial and legal advice. Don't reveal your plans to him. I got a post-nup. It may be another option for you to explore while he is still trying to act as if he wants to reconcile. It can buy you time and it can also make him legally commit financial resources to you now and in case of divorce. Just some things I have learned in this terrible journey. Love yourself. Give yourself the love you deserve. It won't come from him. My husband was so sweet also. Like, the best. I am so sorry you are going through this. Now imagine you are going through it in ten fifteen or twenty years from now. Which would you choose?

Go-On-Now-Go - what an interesting username!   We are blessed to have so many different members who are in different stages of the same struggle.  
What powerful advice you shared.  It so true.. but so hard to take.  So many of us are so committed to our marriage that we just don't want to give up on it.  We just can't envision life without our spouse.  We are so scared to give up on our dreams.  We can't accept that things won't change.  
I was actually spared this torment because my ex desired to leave me for her new lover and affair partner.. so I didn't have to agonize over the decision.  Of course I had other pain to agonize over.. but for me it was quick.  I feel so bad for those of you who had to make the call..  so many who chose to honor their vows and commitment to marriage and wound up wasting additional years, even decades, on a marriage that was a fraud. 

Thanks for signing up and sharing with us.  I hope that being here and reading other stories helps you find solace and peace.  If you are like me, hopefully you find the idea of helping others to be good for the soul and make you feel better about yourself and your experience.  Because so many struggle to make that decision and wind up staying in a doomed relationship, your experiences might be very helpful to them. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Sep 21 8:49 am  #25


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I was lucky to have a good attorney who suggested it. I had no idea what to do. I cried in the car on the way to every appointment. But, I was given good advice: Get it in writing before the tears dry. I suppose that means HIS tears but he hasn't had any over the thought of losing me.  All the tears have been mine. I hate crying in front of strangers. I feel so weak.  But I have learned to just reach for the offered tissue and to try my hardest to keep slogging through all of the things I must do to protect myself and my son. I understand exactly how much love you have for your spouse. I struggle with this concept also. It seems unbelievable that there can be so much love given and then to have it used against you is surreal.

 

Thu Sep 21 9:50 am  #26


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Phoenix, you have a great username, too!  I truly appreciate the welcome here. Part of posting to others is to try to remind myself of the things I need to keep working on. It is always easier to give advice than to take it. I know, because I have come up with a personal motto: Take thine own advice. Lol. Not easy to do!  I have told my son to do things to help himself cope and get happier but then I think that I should be doing those same things for myself and I am not!  I should get out and do more fun (any) fun activities with others. I should exercise more, eat well, love myself. It is so hard to do what your wise brain knows you should do when the hurt hold you captive and the secrets hold you captive and you just want to hide in bed and not face any of it. I have done that so many days. I used to be a different person!  I had joy and enthusiasm and appreciation. I had creativity and motivation. I am trying so hard to get them back. I want to say HE took them from me but I actually let that happen. I gave them up for the sake of trying to be the good person I thought he wanted me to be. I also gave it up to try to be both parents for our son because I saw my son would not get what he needed from his father. I love my son so much I cannot comprehend how my husband puts his personal needs (no, wants) so high over his family's needs. Really??!!!!  I would have done anything for my husband. I loved him so much. I have actually googled how to love someone less. I am still married but it is only a legal term to me now. I am thinking about when to separate. I am trying to do it in the time frame that is best for my son. If it was just me it would not be an issue. I would be done with my husband even though I still feel ambiguous at times about just living together as roommates. But as I try to work through this I realize I don't even want him for that anymore. I want the person back that I thought I loved, but maybe he never existed. Did I create him in my mind?  I am painfully empathetic. Maybe I projected qualities onto him that didn't exist. I sometimes wonder if I want him dead, but I don't. I would still mourn for him!  That sounds so crazy that I would grieve all over again (or still).  But if we had lost our spouses through death, would we not have the happy memories to comfort us?  I think in some ways this is worse because we can't trust any of the memories. What was real?  God, is that a painful question. I still want to believe he loved me and was not always as he is now. Or that he loved me but his addictions won over his family.  I have wondered if he is a narcissist, but I can't accept that (yet). I honestly don't want to believe that. I want to believe he can't love his family as a man should because of his horrific childhood and whatever that did to him.  But is that real?  Sorry to ramble so much. I think it is such a relief to have anyone else to talk anout this with. I am so sorry for the pain your spouse caused you. She sounds unbelievably stupid to throw away a loving and caring husband and father. Honestly , if I had SSA I would never have risked my family to act on it!  I have been attracted to other men during my martiage.  I NEVER would act on that attraction in any way. Maybe I should have. Now I am on the shady side of fifty and my options for a future relationship are so unlikely, even if I could contemplate one.  This is looong!  Thank you for listening!!!!

 

Thu Sep 21 10:23 am  #27


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

It's great to have you here!   Don't ever think you are typing too much or going to long.  Part of the value of this forum is the chance to let out our feelings and emotions.  We live in a world that doesn't understand or empathize with our struggle.  We often have spouses who won't allow us to share what is going on because they are still trying to hide their secret.  So having this place to vent and journal and share is fanastic.  So don't ever feel bad about writing a long post.

What you said about this being worse than the death of a spouse is very true.  There are so many layers to the pain of this struggle.  People just can't understand it unless they live it.  
I tried to express those layers and the extreme pain we suffer through in this post:
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=270

You didn't create him in your mind.  It was real to you.  It wasn't real, but it was real to you.  You loved the facade. You loved what you were shown.  The person who tricked you is a professional liar.  The biggest secret a person can keep in this life is a same sex attraction.  It's the core of their being.  In a society that is not friendly to homosexuals, it's easy to understand why so many would chose to hide it.  So they devote their life to hiding this secret.  They get VERY good at it.  If you spent every day since your early teen years building a facade, you would be very good at it as well.  So tricking someone into loving the person you project to be isn't that difficult for them.  But don't blame yourself for this.  In hindsight we can all say that we should have seen it coming, should have seen the signs or red flags, should have known better.  But we didn't, and that's not our fault.  We were hopeful and optimistic and had faith in our spouse.  Our understanding of love required that faith and optimism.  Don't feel bad about it. 

Find yourself again..  Start that new life and find the real you again.  Be an artist, recapture that creativity and joy, find new friends, exercise and feel good about yourself.  Time to put yourself first..  someone has to do it. 

Great to have you here!  Please stick around and join us as we all work together to survive this storm.  We especially need more experienced members to offer support and advice and compassion for those who have just discovered their spouse is gay and are in those hardest early days and weeks.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Sep 21 10:37 am  #28


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Shady side of fifty!  Woman that's nothing these days!  Don't write yourself off quite yet.  When or if you feel ready there is someone out there deserving of the wonderful gift of love you have to offer.  I know for myself I will never let him steal my ability to love and trust again.  I don't know how I'm. going to recover but mark my words, not only will I recover I will be better and happier.  Every single one of us deserves happiness. 
Thanks so much for sharing your story.  Let's all keep coming back and leaning on each other during the dark times.

     Thread Starter
 

Sat Sep 23 5:56 pm  #29


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Today I found the cookies on his computer.  It's as awful as I thought.  Webcams and porn and gay hookup sites.  People, I lost my shit. 
I told him to pack his shit and get out of my house.  He denied it all.  As usual says he doesn't know what I'm talking about.  I told him I'm Italian and if he didn't leave immediately I would call a group of large angry men who would kick his ass.  I made him get on his knees, he did but he had no apology to offer.  I stuck my foot through our wedding portrait.  He's very scared and crying.  He only cries for himself.  When I cry he has no response.  He makes me sick.  This is the end.  He is coming to speak to me tomorrow but all I want to do is discuss the terms of the divorce.  I don't care if he drinks now I don't care wtf he does he is not my problem. 
He is weak and broken and incapable of caring about anyone other than himself.  This pain and searing hatred is the worst soul crushing torture I have ever experienced. 
The worst part is he had me convinced that somehow this was my fault.  That I was some frigid cold bitch.
I have to calm down.

Last edited by majenco (Sat Sep 23 5:57 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

Sat Sep 23 7:05 pm  #30


Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I'm so sorry you had to go through that pain today.  

It's not your fault.  He lied to you and has been trying to manipulate you.  He is selfish and puts himself before you.  I know the pain of finding out that your spouse is a fraud.  I hope you can use that as fuel now to stop doubting your path and to start moving forward toward a new life.  Sounds like today was that day.  So congratulations for that. 

If you haven't yet, I would start doing some homework on divorce in your state.  Find out what the procedures and time-frames are.  Find out what the norm is for division of assets and liabilities.  Most of the info you need is on google searches.  In most places you can't technically kick a spouse out of your home.  They have legal right to be there, so it depends on whether or not he knows better.  But if he will find another place to stay that is best.   Start researching your finances immediately and make sure you have access to everything.  This is the area where most divorces get nasty, so prepare yourself.  

Stay safe!  Lock the doors.  Have a girlfriend come stay the night with you or a family member.  When a secret as big as someone's sexuality finally comes out at time when they are not prepared.. it can be hard to predict how they will behave.  Some get angry and perhaps violent.  So please take full precaution.  Even though he was crying and on his knees earlier, that could change.. especially if he drinks.  Being safe is most important, so please ensure that you are. 

Let us know how we can help!
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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