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Sun Sep 17 7:28 am  #11

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

   It sounds to me as if you are navigating through this with strength and clear eyes. You've done all the right things.
  But yes, I know; you really, really don't want what you know to be true to be true.  So you're desperately looking around for anything that you can cling to so you don't have to leave.  That he might be bisexual is what you're clinging to.  What you're doing is called "bargaining."   You know this, too, because you're "talking back" to yourself about it.  You know that and so are reminding yourself that "either way there was infidelity, and financial irresponsibility, and the alcoholism."  Now the trick is not to use that fact to bargain further with yourself, to make sure you don't somehow interpret those as the "sicknesses" you promised in your marriage vows to support your spouse through. What helped me do that was to realize that when my husband announced he wasn't straight, I could tell myself that he had altered the marriage contract, voided it.  He wasn't who he said he was when he married me, and who he was wasn't what I signed up for.  Even if your husband is bi-sexual, which you highly doubt--secret porn accounts for only same-sex porn, and alcoholism, likely at least in part from the stress of suppressing his sexuality--he has altered the contract. I'm sure you've talked with your therapist about "altering the script" or "talking back to yourself" when you think these self defeating thoughts, but maybe reminding yourself "he voided the contract" could also be part of your arsenal of talk-back points to overcome self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.
   Maybe you're worried about being able to survive alone, emotionally or financially.  So look at the situation you're in now.  You are alone emotionally.  And even when you thought you had that "sweet as pie, good as gold" husband you didn't have it, because it was a false front.  As for surviving financially on your own, you know from experience that your husband is not to be trusted, and has let you in not for financial security or ease but for financial stress and risk.
   I'm with Rob: you can't fix him.  But I'd say, too, that it's not your job to fix him; neither is it your responsibility. In fact, in trying you're letting yourself in for a world of hurt and years more of the same feelings of upset, betrayal, and stress. You are worth and deserve so much more than that!  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Sun Sep 17 7:32 am)


Sun Sep 17 8:08 am  #12

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Your words definitely ring true.  I am slowly coming to the point where I can hopefully accept this new reality.  But of course the only thing that has changed is that now I know.  This has been the reality all along.

So now I must mourn the happy marriage I thought I had and figure out how to navigate out of this storm to that island I can faintly see in the distance.  I hope I can make it sooner rather than later.

Thanks for talking me through this and allowing me to vent.

     Thread Starter

Sun Sep 17 8:15 am  #13

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I'm so sorry you find yourself here Majenco, you've already had great advice here...OOHC has just said what I wanted to say. Right now you're clinging on to the flawed hope that he's bi and this can turn around. It can't, he's not going to make u-turn, he is in this state because he has been hiding and suppressing his desires for men, that's how hard it's been for him to play along as straight. He has literally nearly killed himself trying to appear straight. In the process he has lied, cheated and twisted your reality. WHY should you try and make it work now? It's not your job to try anything now, you did your trying when you thought you were in a heterosexual relationship with an honest man.

Please get away again so you can think and get some perspective. I understand totally how you can't reconcile the things you found with the man you thought you knew. BUT you struggling to reconcile those don't alter the fact that the man you knew was a fake projection of him, the real him is in all those things you found. Focus on that not "figuring him out" - we've all done that and it just exhausts us and we are no better off at the end.

Do you have friends who know what you're dealing with? It is such a help to tell people and stop keeping other people's secrets.

Please keep posting so we can help you.


Sun Sep 17 11:13 am  #14

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong


Thats the problem...with TGT there are no take backs.     As a straight male I have no desire to look at gay porn... if you put a gun to my head I would not.    Your husband cannot undo what he did and saw, there are no take back..  If we were to meet a pal for a beer you would be forever wonder is it two friends getting together or a date?   Its not like heterosexual cheater where he could simple not meet a woman.   These spouses just don't understand how hard it is to undo.    

For myself my ex did not want the marriage anymore..she was in love with this woman...her attitude torward me and our decades together was torch and burn, remorse.   I often ask on the forum here what remorse,  what proofs is a gay spouse offering that wants to reconcile?   I ask but have not idea waht the answer is.. for me my ex would have had to give up all contact with her lover.   not hide her phone etc..things she could never do.   

I wish you strength and fortitude.  Know that its not your fault.. Know that there are authentic people out there who do not hurt like this.  (at least I long to meet them).


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Sun Sep 17 10:46 pm  #15

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Hi everybody,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.  I asked him to sleep in another room so I could have my space.  He slept on the couch but in the morning he had left leaving a note saying he couldn't live like this.  Said he would let me know where he ended up.  Within a few hours I had a phonecall with him saying he was willing to be 100% honest.  He magically now has a sponser.  He told me that the sexual abuse I have been questioning him about and he has been denying was actually real.  I fully believe there was abuse in his past, but this latest thing about sexual abuse I could go either way. 

It might be real, it might be some attempt to explain away this behavior.  He did finally admit the streaming porn was the same as the other movies I found.  So at least I got that honesty.  I just don't buy that childhood sexual abuse causes you to become gay or bi or whatever.  This idea of possibly acting out abuse doesn't make sense.  He said it was touching not penetration.  So why the strap on videos with women?  If he was abused by a man?  Why the woman's bathing suit bottoms?  Either he's lying or he's telling the truth and he was molested but it doesn't change his behavior. 
He's going to his sex therapist.  Then I am going.  At this point I am not sure why.  I don't think abuse makes you act this way.

Oh and yes my friends know about this and most have been extremely supportive although they are shocked and don't really understand but who can blame them?  Nobody is more shocked than me.

Last edited by majenco (Sun Sep 17 10:50 pm)

     Thread Starter

Sun Sep 17 11:14 pm  #16

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

When you're biggest secret starts to unravel the natural reaction is to spin it and put blame elsewhere.  He will now try to shift blame and diminish the implications.

I'm glad to hear you have friends on your side.  They won't understand everything.  They can never understand the level of hurt and betrayal.  But they are there for you and will be there to help you.

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Mon Sep 18 4:15 am  #17

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Yeah I don't think I believe about the sexual abuse.  Sadly I have no more trust and with his back against the wall I fear he will say anything to try to obscure his true i identity. 
At this point he's quacking like a duck.  I am going to have to accept that he is in fact a duck. 
This unraveling process is not going to be quick.  I hope I can handle the pain that's coming.  It seems like it never ends with this nightmare.

     Thread Starter

Mon Sep 18 6:12 am  #18

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Do you mean by "Then I am going" that you are going to leave him anyway or that you are going to see his sex therapist after he does?  If the latter then I would strongly caution you against it: it is a rabbit hole that will have you losing yourself as you try to figure out why he is the way he is and how you can "help" him through it. And you will grow old doing so and probably still not be getting what you need.

My ex and I cycled through therapists for years and you know how that turned out. Like you my parents created conditions which predisposed me to be an enabler. Just keep working with your therapist and don't let him foist his issues onto you.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

Mon Sep 18 9:27 am  #19

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I am not sure if I am going to the sex therapist but I don't  expect that to save my marriage.  I think I am interested in that from the standpoint of providing the info I'm sure my husband has not about the behavior.  If he's in denial then he will be in denial.  I am starting the emotional disconnect but it's very hard.  He was my family and I am very frightened to be alone.

     Thread Starter

Mon Sep 18 10:07 am  #20

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

It is frightening to to consider being alone.  I was scared too.  I'm close to 40.. not old necessarily, but mature enough that i was starting to plan for retirement and looking forward to the future we were building together.  Then that all was shattered.  Losing the future you expected is awful.   But what you can't see right now is that you still have a future.  It will look different, for sure, but not worse.  It's hard to compare right now because all you see is the disaster.  Give it some time for the storm to clear and you will start to see some positives.  

Being alone is just like this.  Right now you are used to having a partner and being alone feels like a subtraction from your life and therefor automatically worse.  But later you will find that it's not a subtraction, just a change.  You will start to embrace some aspects of being away from him.  You might find that you don't even want to have a partner.  There are lots of very happy single people in the world.  There is a freedom to it that is nice. 

Based on what you have shared, I think you are a very strong person.  I have complete confidence that you will make it through this just fine.  I don't think you will find being alone to be an awful experience.  Separation will help you heal and you'll find a new life very quickly. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


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