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Sat Sep 16 4:32 pm  #1

I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Hi All,
Long time lurker.  Today I finally decided to post.  I don't know if my husband is bi or gay but I know he's a liar and a cheater.  It pains me to say this because for the past ten years I thought he hung the moon.  It was the classic codependent people pleasing relationship.  He was sweet as pie, treated me like gold and had a history of serious childhood trauma and abuse.
I work nights 4 days per week.  He spent some time unemployed but other than that had a regular 9-5 job.
This past January he collapsed and needed to go to the hospital.  Long story short I found out that he was a high functioning alcoholic.  He was up to a liter of vodka a day by the time I sent him to rehab where he was promptly sent to the hospital in liver failure and nearly died in April.  I was terrified.  While he was in the hospital I opened some of his mail only to find out that he was in massive amounts of credit card debt.  We had separate finances.  I head to the computer to check out wtf is going on with the bills and there it is good old Craigs List he had a response to an ad he placed for BJ and rimming. To say I never saw this coming would be a massive understatement.
He somehow survived near liver failure.  He came home from rehab and entered therapy.  It was the usual story, sex dropped off with us, he was just "experimenting" because he didn't have a chance when he was younger.  He knew men would give head with no strings attached.  Blah blah.  I so wanted to believe.  I researched bisexuality and "mostly straight" and everything in between.  I didn't want to face that the man I put on a pedestal fell off and hit every rung on the way down.
He's broken and in massive denial.  He keeps saying all that was in the past and he wants only me now.  He's been sober 6 months.  I found his porn stash, chicks with dicks, pegging some gay stuff.  He says that's old.  But I found a bill for streaming porn.  So there's a secret email address for this site that now he says he cannot access.  I asked to view his history of porn to prove he's not watching gay porn.  Magically no access to his email account. 
So this is my moment.  If he is saying it's over and in the past why can't I see the porn?  I found tons of toys in his closet as well as women's bathing suit bottoms.  It's all way too much for this straight girl.  I will never trust him again.  I am heartbroken and he is a gaslighter.  I am so terrified I won't be able to go through with this.  He has no job and is on my insurance.  I just took out a second mortgage on the house to pay off his credit cards and medical debt.  I still love him and am having trouble reconciling this liar with my best friend of the past ten years.  How did I not know? I am heartbroken.
I need insight and encouragement I have been diagnosed with codependency and low self esteem due to narcissist parents and fear of abandonment.  This is the fight of my life.  The fight for me.  Please help.


Sat Sep 16 5:22 pm  #2

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Hi majenco, if you click the banner at the top of the page it will take you to the main SSN page. There's a contact number and email there that you can use. It got me in touch with a face to face group which was very helpful. If you have access to personal counseling I would also suggest looking into that. Many of us did not see this coming until something serious was found or declared to us. Wanting to believe is normal. Because we wouldn't do something like this to them, we believed our partners would be exactly the same way with us. Unfortunately, if someone hides something like this all their life, possibly since the teen years, that is their normal. It's not surprising that you didn't know. Now if that streaming bill you saw was for activities more recent than six months ago than this is not an encouraging sign. It suggests old habits continue. Can you do this? I think so, especially since you have already determined your weaknesses (codependency and self esteem). Many of us are initially in shock with no idea what the future holds. Step by step we grow until we get a clearer idea who we are, what happened to us and where we want to be. Right now the important thing is to remember that you did not cause this but you can get through this.

Take care of yourself and keep posting. Others here know all too well what this is like.


Sat Sep 16 5:55 pm  #3

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I wish you'd posted here before you took out a second mortgage on the house to pay off HIS credit card and medical debt because the first thing I usually suggest it gathering all financial records so you can consult an attorney and find out what you can expect financially if you divorce. This NOT because I am saying that you should divorce but simply that you should know as much as possible.

I also suggest getting tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. If you can't sleep and are having other physical effects from this stress don't be afraid to ask your doctor for appropriate medications. A counselor for you only - not a marriage counselor - is another necessity.

Please remember that even if he reforms his finances and stops the porn etc - and that is a very big if - it still does not change his underlying sexual desires or make him enthusiastically attracted to you or a good spouse.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

Sat Sep 16 6:55 pm  #4

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

majenco.  You've already done one of the hardest parts... realizing that you are not happy and you deserve better and making the decision to do something about it.  Congratulations on taking control of your life.  You are going to be just fine. 

It is the fight of your life, but you are up to it and you going to be successful!  You have the strength and character to fight through this storm and when you come through on the other side you will have a long and happy life in front of you.  

We are here to help..  This group is here to share our experiences and support you.  We are all at varying stages of the process and can offer a great deal of advice and compassion and encouragement. 

Here's a few basics:
1.)  As Daryl mentioned, reach out the SSN for a local support group.  Find some close friends and/or family to share with and support you.  There is no replacement for a live person to hug and cry with.  
2,) As Abby said, please see Dr to get tested and talk about dealing with the physical side effects of the emotional stress.  Also the therapist or councilor to speak with to help you with your emotions. 
3.)  Start researching the laws in your state or country regarding the divorce process.  You can consult with an attorney (often free) and ask lots of questions.  Find all financial records and get access to bank accounts and stash some cash.. just in case.  
4.)  STAY SAFE!!!   Don't underestimate the stress a divorce can cause on an already troubled gay-in-denial spouse.  Any signs of danger, get your kids and get out or call the police.. just be safe. 

One last thing..  Know in advance that things are going to be stressful.  I encourage everyone to take things a day at a time.  If you can, try to figure out which things need to be handled today, and what can wait.  Don't stress over things you can't impact yet.  I lost so much sleep over things that I couldn't even prepared to figure out until months later.  Just shut them down and deal with only what you need to handle today.  Later when you have more strength you can start to work on more. 

Stick around.. keep us in the loop.   Talk, ask questions, journal, share your emotions..  let us know how we can help.   I'll be praying for you!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Sat Sep 16 7:15 pm  #5

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

  The first thing I would do is to get to a lawyer to see whether you can decouple yourself from his debt.  Whether you stay or not, you need to get out from under his debt.  Call it a "cooling off" period.  If you are entangled with money, you will find it harder to leave, should you do so (and it seems to me that you should do so).  
  The second and third things are to get tested for STDs and to find yourself a therapist who can help you.  When you go, tell the therapist you need help in doing the thing you want to do--divorce.  
  One step you can take for yourself is to stop using your energy to "figure him out," or think about "why he might be this way."  Start using your energy and time on yourself.  If you can go away for a while to be on your own or to stay with a relative or friend, I would recommend it--no contact can provide you with a space that gives you a different and healthy perspective.  When you're living with him, it's very difficult not to get sucked in to the everyday and to his attempts to get you re-engaged (I speak from experience here).
  So sorry.  So very sorry.


Sat Sep 16 8:25 pm  #6

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Wow!  You guys are so great.  Thanks so much for the quick response.
First off I have been tested for STDs and I have HSV1 but that is something many people have (cold sores) and I've never had an outbreak.
I also have a therapist whom I love and she is helping me navigate this mess and build up my strength but it is a slow going process and very hard for me to wrap my brain around.
I did consult a lawyer and basically was told that the medical and credit card debt would be considered marital debt no matter whose name it was in unless he used the cards for liasons or something.  Well I pulled the records and that's not the case.  I paid off the debt so it didn't increase and make me responsible for even more.
I' did recently go away alone to Florida, but I ended up on the run from that monster hurricane (cannot make this shit up) so it was not the relaxing time I was hoping for.  Lol.  I will look into finding a SSN local group though because that sounds interesting.
Not to beat a dead horse here but is bisexuality a real thing in your opinions or is it just usually a lie told to themselves and others?  I guess I cling to that idea that it could be viable.  Either way there was infidelity, and financial irresponsibility and alcoholism.  It's just so much to try and grasp.  I feel like I got thrown down a flight of stairs then picked up and thrown down again even harder.

Last edited by majenco (Sat Sep 16 8:30 pm)

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Sat Sep 16 9:38 pm  #7

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Let me just tell you my experience with a husband who after we were married admitted in counseling to being "bisexual".  He said he would not act on it and he wanted only me. He became more loving. I thought we could make this work and we started our family.

After the children were born he lost interest in sex with me. Eventually I moved to a room of my own and accepted that this was just the way marriage was. Years passed, he had a health crisis, his parents died, he made more gay friends and was home less. Finally he told me that he was gay and wanted a divorce.

Then he and the man he was aflutter over apparently split up and he was dating a woman!  Now he's with a man who has been openly gay for most of his adult life and they seem to be serious. Do I think there are people who really are "bi"?  I don't know but if there are it probably isn't an equal attraction. Maybe they like parts of one and parts of the other?  If the latter then the marriage crumbles because you didn't grow a part?

With my ex it all came down to "Whatever he is he isn't for me." 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

Sat Sep 16 11:12 pm  #8

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

Abby I suppose you're right.  This isn't working for me no matter what.  I really wanted to believe I could make this work but the deception and betrayal are just too much for me to ever be able to trust.  In fact I am worried that I will never  be able to trust anyone again including myself.

Last edited by majenco (Sat Sep 16 11:13 pm)

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Sun Sep 17 6:24 am  #9

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong


Thanks for reaching out..   I don't have much to add that others haven't said...    

I see strength in you by reaching out and going on trip for yourself.    Self care and self compassion are something I had to learn...  like you I was codpendent and really, gave everything to my then wfie and kids.
It hit me like a bus.  Like you I has my then wife on a pedestal so high... I thought so highly of her.   So it was demonic to watch her  be gay, cheat and treat me cruelly.    It took me some time to realize I did nothing so horrible to deserve it.. it was all her.    

I will say, in my state, when one divorces yes they are entled to half the martial assets.  In that they are also entitled to half the marital debt...   My now ex wanted the assets  badly... but my lawyer made sure she got half the debt.  50/50..    Actually for credit cards she had hers and I had mine  which were equal in amount when she filed  the divorce.  Divorcing;  her card and balance were all hers..   nearly 3 times the balance of mine..  not my problem..   

Walk forward.. Realize you cannot fix him and he'll continue to hurt you  as if its ok to hurt your spouse.


Last edited by Rob (Sun Sep 17 6:27 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Sun Sep 17 7:21 am  #10

Re: I finally had my moment need help staying strong

I am having a hard time viewing this person I have known as loving and caring for over a decade as a narcissist.  But he has been in therapy and I got a small apology for gaslighting.  Said he remembered his mother did it to him.  I told him then he should have empathy for me for what he's done because it's been done to him.  Sadly, realization doesn't change the ingrained behavior.  He's denied who he is for so long that lying is a knee jerk reaction.  An immediate default. 

In the past he claimed he didn't realize he was doing it (alcoholic brain) but he lied to my face several times since when he was stone sober.  The other day he lied about the streaming porn site.  There's no way he doesn't know the password from two nights ago.  It's simply not possible.  He's lying and he knows it, not denial, not alcohol, he knows if I see the type of porn he's watching right now it will expose the lie he's telling about those interests being in the past.  Even the threat of losing me and the fact he has no job and all this debt, he could not resist some fetish porn.  It's not a want it's a need, a drive.
You cannot claim to love someone and then lie to them in order to keep them prisoner with you in the closet against their wishes.  That's not love.  No amount of flowers and gifts and gestures will change that. 
Yesterday I told him he could not sleep in the bed with me.  We don't have sex but still slept in the same bed.  Small house.  He asked why and I said I needed some emotional separation.  After I said that he magically got a sponser for AA which I have been requesting he do for 6 months.  I will not be placated.  He needs a sponser for his recovery.  That's on him, it's not a favor to me or a bargaining chip. 

I don't think he understands that I am no longer the person he married either.  That person had trust.  The person I am now is a suspicious investigator who's pissed off.  There's little he will get past me.  I've been played for a fool long enough.

Of course I am riding the coaster.  Tomorrow I will be bawling and feel like shit.  When I first found out I could barely move and lost ten pounds in a week.  I had to choke on all this and keep it inside because his liver was shutting down and he could have died.  So I sat by his bedside in the hospital sobbing as a 46 year old man had to write his will.  This ordeal has darkened my soul and messed up my head in ways I can scarcely articulate.  I am so profoundly hurt.  Luckily we have no children to be hurt by this mess.

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