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Fri Sep 22 7:26 am  #11

Re: I need help


Hang in there!  I agree with Phoenix about the church community.  I have had no judgement from my church family.  (And I work full time for them!)   I was terribly afraid of losing my job, but I have had only support.  Nothing can separate you from the love of God.  Nothing.

And as far as the confrontation time...when you feel like you have a pretty good picture of what should happen next, i.e. separation, divorce, lawyers, social...maybe that would be the "right" time.  It is impossible to just know when it is the right time.  I do agree with the advice above to make sure you state rather than question.  You are not looking for an admission, he probably won't give it anyway.  A bit of hindsight from me, don't let worrying about his feelings get in the way of protecting yourself and your children from even more harm.  He will very likely lash out at you with blame, but you did not make him gay.  It's not your closet, and he (nor no one else!) has no right to expect you and your children to live in it. 

Keep posting.  It helps!


Last edited by Tamiam (Fri Sep 22 7:40 am)


Wed Oct 4 11:51 am  #12

Re: I need help

Your story is exactly the same as mine – every single detail. I am not sure where to go from here either, so I will be following. Feel free to private message me. I would love to chat.


Wed Oct 4 12:05 pm  #13

Re: I need help

Hi Jglowe...Hi...I am sorry you are going through what you are going through. It sucks... completely. How did you find out? Have you talked to him yet?
I haven't talked to my husband yet... I don't know how to even bring it up.. and I go back and forth between wanting to scream at him, and wanting to sob.I have known for so long, though, that I feel like I am numb now. I still see what he does, and I don't even get sad or mad...
but he is looking at porn and chatting with men every time I leave the house, and sometimes even when I am in the same room...
it's like I don't even care anymore... but I DO care.. Ugh. I am just a mess.

     Thread Starter

Wed Oct 4 12:39 pm  #14

Re: I need help

Thanks for responding! Now. I have not confronted him yet. I actually first found everything a few years ago, and have been waiting for more of it, but he has gotten very good at covering it all up. I have just found recently, just the freshly cleared history page open when I opened the iPad. And mean as it sounds, I wish I had more ways of spying on him. The Catholic Church and kids are issues for us too. I am sure when I confront him he will manipulate it to make it seem like I am crazy. I have so many more signs and will try to go into detail when I have more time. I think I sat on it too long while I was in shock, but now that I am not In shock anymore and just want out I am not sure how to tackle it.

I am sorry you are going through this as well. It does suck.

Last edited by Jglowe (Wed Oct 4 12:43 pm)


Thu Oct 5 11:06 pm  #15

Re: I need help

Jglow and januceyses,

So sorry.  I hacked my now ex and lived with her actively cheating..texting her girlfriend in the same room as me..ignoring me for a long time.

I used the time to gather strength.  I could not stop what she was doing. I would seek proofs I wasn't crazy.. One can do it without confronting something on their phone or computer or even make it up;  ie. Ask  "Who are you chatting with?"(knowing full well who it is)  and watch them lie to your face.    Or say "this site (play don't know it's a gay site) came up on the computer today do you know anything about it?"   ..and watch them lie.
Ask your self what else they will lie about and why you should have to snoop and guess.  The lies basically confirm what you know..

You can confront them but font think you will find a solution from will get more lies.

Detach..gather your support system..  grieve..but also do what needs to be done for your kids.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Fri Oct 6 9:43 am  #16

Re: I need help

I am always that person who wants to barge in and confront immediately - except when there is danger present.  I'm not against people taking their time to gather information, a support network, and some strength.  But how long does that take?  After a while, you become numb to it - as you've mentioned you currently are.  You're not supposed to be numb to someone causing you pain.  That comes from having so much continual pain that you need to somehow learn to live with it.  It's a survival tactic.  Which should be reserved for surviving - not tolerating.  It's for when there's now way out of the situation and out of the pain.  It's for concentration camp survivors, people who will be beheaded for leaving their spouse, for women who will be abused if they speak up for themselves or try to leave.  It is NOT for people who are scared to tell their partner, lest THEY be the bad guy for mentioning what their spouse has done to hurt them.  That's.not.marriage.  That's bondage.  Don't accept bondage within your relationship.  It's not what you are destined for.  You have options and choices.  Use them.

I know it's hard.  I remember not knowing how to tell my ex husband that I was done with the marriage.  I didn't want to save that for when we were having a fight, lest it seem like a snap decision.  I didn't want to say it as we lay in bed at night - as if it came out of nowhere.  I knew it was going to blow up our world, and it just never seemed like a good day/time to do that.  Who wants to pull the pin on the hand grenade in the middle of an otherwise fine evening, ya know?  BUT..... it HAD to come out.  And it did.  I never did plan on how to tell him - I couldn't seem to come up with the right plan.  Instead, it just popped out like that first hiccup that you never felt coming.

YOU did nothing wrong here.  You should not be afraid to confront him unless you fear for your safety, or that of your children/pets.  Then we'll need to help you with a different plan.  At some point, what you've already found has to be enough.  Some people KEEP finding proof, and it's never enough.  Because they're waiting for the evidence to convince them, and Lord only knows how much it'll take to do that.  So they continue subjecting themselves to more and more pain - just to be sure they were right to end things.  At some point, the nagging unhappiness is what's supposed to convince you - NOT the evidence.  The evidence gives you the nagging unhappiness.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Sun Oct 8 1:31 pm  #17

Re: I need help


You wrote, "The Catholic Church and kids are issues for us, too".  I am Catholic (Not in name, only).  I am in the process of seeking an annulment.  I have no idea if it will be granted or not, but I know that I could not have stayed in my marriage.  I had lost all trust and respect for my husband (now ex).  When I was still in shock, post-disclosure, the one thing that helped me come out of that shock was my children.  I wanted to be a good example to my children and raise them in a healthy, truthful home.  My marriage was no longer healthy or truthful, and it was Not a good example for my children.  Truly, my dedication to my children was one of the biggest factors in my decision to divorce (after 24 years and 5 children).

Making decisions while still in shock is so hard.  I did not recognize that I had been in shock, until I came out of it.  I was in absolute and complete shock, for 10-12 months:  Lost 30 pounds, can't remember much of that year, walked around like a zombie.  Just keep taking one step at a time.  Try to recognize that you may not be seeing clearly, yet.  Processing a traumatic realization like having a GID spouse is unimaginably difficult.

Last edited by jkpeace (Sun Oct 8 1:34 pm)


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