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Wed Sep 13 9:36 pm  #1


I need help

I have so many signs that he is gay... but then he treats me just as before. Loving, gentle, but never really sexual...


​I have concrete evidence (spying on his computer - not entirely sure it's legal... but I have it none the less...) of his masturbating with random men, TONS of porn, email conversations... 

​But how do I talk to him? How do I not destroy the life I have with him (9 years married, 3 kids, looking to buy a house). I keep waiting for the "right time" but it never comes...

​I feel numb. I feel like a fraud. I feel like an idiot. I feel like a failure. 

=(

 

Wed Sep 13 10:20 pm  #2


Re: I need help

januceyes,

You are not a failure..   No.. just no.       This is all him.  This is not your fault..  You are in shock.   I know the feeling. when finding the horrible evidence...all the blood just drains from your face..   You try to wish it away  but you cant.

That you found conversations means its more than porn.      

Hard as it is,  and I may be the minority here,  I would not confront him yet..  I would make copies of what you found... snoop..be aware.. I would discretely start building a support system.     In a sentence, maintain status quo and gather strength.    Unless you feel strong enough for the confrontation...but I feel all you will get is lies and blame shifting...anger for hacking/snooping.    There may be no solution in a confrontation.    
Many here will say kick him out but that is not always financially feasible.

Discretely build your support system...small steps gathering strength.   Stoic and calm.  Those kids need a strong mom that puts them first.


a sincere e-hug
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Wed Sep 13 11:08 pm  #3


Re: I need help

He is the fraud, Januceyes, not you.  He's known all along.  From before he married you.  

You know now.  So I agree with Rob, don't confront him, take some time to gather support.  Think about how to look after yourself.  And don't forget to go to the doctor for a check out.  

This hurts a lot and takes time.  you need to be your own best friend.  rest whenever you can.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (Wed Sep 13 11:11 pm)

 

Wed Sep 13 11:29 pm  #4


Re: I need help

Rob makes some good points here. It helps to be ready for this. That being said, I don't think it's possible to be 100% ready, but ready enough to have a few contingency plans to cover the possible outcomes.

You mentioned looking for a house. Is this a good idea? This adds another level of complexity to the situation. It can also serve as another reason to not find the right time, the financial outlay, uprooting the kids and so on.

How to have the conversation? That's a hard one to answer and not something anyone looks forward to. I would offer a few suggestions to think about. Don't make it deniable - "I think you're gay." "No I'm not, how could you say that?" On the other hand if you're not happy, say so. If the activities with others are beyond what you consider acceptable in a marriage, say so. If you think it doesn't matter if it's with men, women or space aliens, your views on what a marriage partnership and commitment means cannot be refuted as invalid (but they can be disagreed with). Watch out for the excuses, it's just release, I never met anyone, etc.

You asked how do you not destroy the life with him? Your past may not be what you thought it was and that affects the present and the future. Everyone has their views on what marriage means. What is acceptable and what is not. Love, trust, respect, empathy are important in my opinion. Both your views and his need to mesh together. I would suggest that the person who is stepping outside the boundaries of fidelity is the one who is doing the destroying here. Standing up for your future happiness and self-worth is sometimes necessary and not something to be ashamed of or a sign of weakness.

It is hard not to be overwhelmed facing this but please check back. I expect you will soon see replies from other members here who faced very similar circumstances as you.

You are not alone.

P.S. - since you titled this - I need help - You can also go to the main ssn website www.straightspouse.org and click the "Contact Us" tab. Here you can message or phone them. There are support contacts and groups that meet regularly in many different cities and towns.

Last edited by Daryl (Wed Sep 13 11:44 pm)

 

Thu Sep 14 5:54 am  #5


Re: I need help

I agree with the previous posters that now is not the time to confront him. He's having a secret life so for now you need to do so too. Definitely see a doctor to find out if he has given you any sexually transmitted diseases and if at all possible do not have any form of sex with him, or at least use a condom.

Postpone buying a house. That is a big, expensive step and will be a ball and chain. You need the ability to make moves if and when you are ready.  Do make copies of all financial information and start learning about child support and divorce laws where you live. You may not want to separate now but you need to know where you would stand financially if you did. In the U.S. 10 years of marriage gives you some rights to claim under his Social Security earnings in the future if his record gives you a better outcome than yours so that could be another reason to bide your time.

If you don't want him to find out what you know be careful about in whom you confide. A counselor with a duty of confidentiality is whom I would suggest.

If you are not in the workforce develop a plan to update your skills and re-enter it.

You are not a fraud or a failure. This is not your fault. His conduct is what has undermined your marriage even if you finally are the one to call him out on it and leave.  

 

Thu Sep 14 8:35 am  #6


Re: I need help

januceyes,. 

Welcome to our group.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  

Great advice already given above.  I agree with giving yourself some time to process what you've learned (or confirmed) and preparing yourself for what may happen when you have that discussion. 
Please take the above advice seriously:  Build a support network, see a Dr., be kind to yoruself.  These are hugely important steps to take.  

I think the big question you need to work out is what do you want.  Do you want to remain married to a gay man indefinitely?  Or do you want to separate and divorce?  Neither one is easy.  You do need to understand that simply shining a light on his activities will not make him straight.  He will pretend for a while so that he can keep things status quo, but you can't change his sexual attraction.  

Be warned, when a gay in denial spouse is caught, they can react in very different ways.  This is the biggest secret a person can keep.  It's the core of their being, and most have been hiding this secret and lying to the world since their early teen years.  When exposed you might find a person you've never met before.  Some will get very angry and abusive.  Some will fall apart.  Most become manipulative and narcissistic in hopes to control you and play mental games with you.  Nearly all will continue to lie and come up with ways to prove you wrong.  As advised above, it would be wise to consider some backup plans before you have the discussion so that if his behavior changes for the worse you already have an escape. 

One more little tidbit..  I'm 100% convinced that divorce is much easier for kids under 10 than it is for older kids.  Most of us have this idea that we can keep our marriage going for the sake of the kids and maybe wait until they are done with high school..  but I think in most cases this is worse for everyone. 


Let us know how you are doing and what we can help talk with you about. 


 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Sep 14 11:04 am  #7


Re: I need help

Hi Januce,

You have to ask yourself why you want to confront him.  If it's to tell him you know, and deliver the news of what you want to do moving forward, then that's one thing.  But I think most of us confront because we want answers.  That's completely natural.  We're hoping with our whole heart that there is a good reason for what they've done, that they'll realize just how awful they have been to us, they'll apologize and beg for forgiveness, and they'll commit to a change in behavior.  That never seems to happen.  They have gown accustomed to lying to us - he's doing it every day when he's acting like everything is perfectly normal.  It's taken them sometimes years to get to the point they're at when we finally discover what's going on, and they have justified to themselves why they need to behave this way.  And they will continue doing it - by lying to explain, by getting angry that you were snooping, by acting appalled that you don't "trust" them, and by trying to minimize what they've done.  Then they make it look like they're acting different, while continuing to do exactly what they want.  And now that they're better at hiding it, it will be very difficult for you to find the truth for a long time.

The crux of the matter is really two-fold:

1.  He's gay.  Which means that no matter what he does, that seed is always deep down in there.  It doesn't matter what he abstains from - it won't make him more attracted to you, because you're a female, and he likes men.  Changing his behavior isn't enough. You want him heart and soul.  And what you've just learned is that you don't have him that way - apparently no woman could.

2.  The above problem would be enough, had he admitted it to you.  But he didn't.  He decided that his desire to be completely sexually fulfilled was more important than you.  He decided that his desires were more important than his vows, than your feelings, than your marriage.  And then in order to continue having his cake and eating it too, he's hidden the evidence - acting like nothing's different - so that you wouldn't be suspicious.  The fact that you found so much evidence means that he either a) wanted you to find it, or b) (more likely) got SO comfortable with you not finding all the past evidence that he got lazy.  He's done this for so long without you knowing that he now has a certain level of confidence in his ability to fool you.  He takes you for a fool, and you don't need to hide things from fools - they never find out because they're not as smart as you.

If you had either ONE of the above issues, it'd be HUGE.  Men who do such things with other women are still hurting their wives and showing their lack of love and respect.  But men who do such things with other men show that the issue can never really be resolved - because you're a woman, and he's not into women.

STOP trying to find a house.  You can fake it for a while, if you think that'll help show that you're not suspicious.  But don't like anything enough to seriously discuss any of those houses.  Don't build anything more with him.  Instead, put your ducks in a row.  Collect all financial paperwork, collect all proof of his wrongdoing (and no - it's not illegal - it's YOUR computer, and it's in YOUR house), consult with lawyers.  Open a secret bank account in your name only.  Have them send all info electronically so no paperwork comes to the house.  Get tested for STDs.  Stop sleeping with him.  When you're ready, you can make your move.

This is NOT your fault.  You have done nothing wrong here.  He's lied to you and deceived you in a very intimate way.  The fact that until recently that you weren't looking for that or suspecting it makes sense - who snoops around when there's nothing prompting them to do so?  Tell a good friend or family member.  Join a support group.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Thu Sep 14 8:47 pm  #8


Re: I need help

Thank you all for your responses... 

​Some things to clarify...
​1. I have always felt... uneasy in this relationship... and during weak point about 5 years ago, I cheated... but at the same time, I found emails to men... I sort of let it go at that point. I hurt him deeply. He was searching for comfort. Who was I to judge? 
​When I found this evidence, and started monitoring more closely, it felt almost normal. Like, yeah, of course he is here again.

​2. We haven't had sex in months. He almost never initiates. And I don't want to anymore... I want to feel WANTED... and if he is ok not doing it, then I am not going to force him.

​3. He has several "sexy" pairs of underwear in his drawer. Just hiding under his normal underwear... but not like, super hidden. I do all of the laundry, and I put it all away... does he WANT me to find it?

​4. We both come from VERY conservative Christian homes... our families would be crushed... 
I would lose all of my friends.. 
​I just... I just don't know...

​5. I have been monitoring for almost a year... I have plenty of evidence... and I have told a few of my closest friends. 

​I just can't seem to bring it up. And I can't seem to tell any one in my family... I feel like they will all say "You made vows. God will get you through it."
How can you help people understand if they are not going through it? 

​I don't know what I want anymore... 

​I have poured my life, stopped everything, to be with him... including any career goals.. I don't know how to untie myself from him...

​But even my kids make my heart stop with sadness, sometimes... they are a result of his lie... I love them, I will never leave them... but they came from a man I will never have the way a woman should have a husband. 

​Again, thank you all for your responses and advice. It is so good to just vent, sometimes...
 

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Sep 14 9:58 pm  #9


Re: I need help

Venting is good, sometimes it helps you figure out what you want or need. I have a large number of family members actively involved in their church, quite a few as active or retired clergy. I don't think any of them would expect someone to go through a false sham of a marriage just because of some vows. Should you be held to yours when your partner isn't holding to the ones they made? Does God want you to be unhappy?

Don't forget, the kids have some of you in them and they might become the one worthwhile result of your relationship. Raise them to be caring, awesome humans. Make them proud of their gutsy Mom who refused to play it safe.

Keep venting, take a small step each day.

 

Fri Sep 15 3:57 pm  #10


Re: I need help

januceyes, 

Your fear of judgment from your church community is not an uncommon worry.  It's true that people don't understand homosexuality and certainly don't understand the nuances of a divorce due to a non-straight spouse.  

I don't know your friends or family or church group.  But I suppose there are some similarities to my own.  I can tell you from my own experiences how I was treated.  I hope that my experiences might offer some help to you. 

Not a single time was I ever made to feel bad or guilty for divorce.  Not once!   I met with my pastor a few times, talked to a mentor on the board of elders, and discussed my situation with the men's bible study group.  I got nothing but genuine care and concern and never questioned as to whether I had any guilt.  I can't promise things weren't said behind my back, but I would be very surprised. 

My understanding of the Bible's direction on divorce is that there are two causes deemed acceptable for divorce.  One is sexual immorality.  In traditional terms this typically meant "having an affair", but it's broader than that.  If your husband is having one-on-one masturbation sessions with men via the internet then I think it's pretty clear that falls under the clause of sexual immorality.  If you chose divorce, that it not a sin.  God will not hold you accountable.   The second is abandonment by a non-believer.  This point would take a longer conversation to understand why you also are covered, but strictly speaking, you only need one, so you're ok.  Just know this, if you desire divorce, you won't be sinning.  

Keep venting.. this is the best place for it. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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