Hi Jana,  Welcome to our forum.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Be assured you are not alone in your struggles.  We all share the homosexual spouse (or ex) and some of us dealt with the cross-dressing as well.  

You asked for help and insight..  for effect I'm going to edit your own comments to show you that you already have all the insight you need.  Here's what happens if I turn your post into bullet points:

Jana'slife wrote:

My husband dresses in women's clothing, 
He goes out in public and has sex with men. 
This has been going on for the past twelve years. 
He said he did it because we weren't having sex often. 
He changes his story.
He keeps minimizing it  
I know that's a lie. 
​Plus that doesn't make it ok either.

Every word you wrote is important, but I wanted to highlight the important points.  Your husband is gay and cross-dresses.  He does this behind your back and lies to you about it.  He blames you for it.  It's not OK. 

Please know that none of this is your fault.  You've been lied to and cheated on and taken advantage of.  

The realization of this is devastating.  You are likely experiencing intense mental anguish and physical shock that accompanies this.  My first concern is for your health and safety, so I'd like to offer some advice.  First, please go see a Dr to get tested for STD's.  Stop having sex with him from here on.  If you are having trouble sleeping or having anxiety attacks ask for medicine to help control those symptoms.  

Next is finding support.  We are here for you.  Please feel free to share as much as you wish.  Just the act of writing it out and sharing it is very good for you.  We can offer support and compassion and advice.  But, we are only anonymous people on a website and no substitute for real people.  Please consider reaching out to the SSN to find a local face to face group.  Fill out this form and someone will be in touch with you:  http://www.straightspouse.org/test-2-home/contact-us/
I strongly recommend establishing a network of friends and/or family to lean on and cry with.  I would also recommend finding a therapist to talk to.  Having a professional help you through these emotional times can be a huge help. 

At some point you need to decide what this means for your future.  But don't stress too much of this today.   When you are safe and ready you can start to tackle those hard questions.  But take things one day at a time. 

Again, welcome.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  I was in the same boat a year ago after finding out my wife of 16 years was lesbian and cheating on me with a married woman and planning to leave me.  It's a miserable storm to endure.  But I can tell you that life gets better.  There is peace and happiness on the other side and a good life ahead.  

Oh, wow.  I'm so sorry, Jana.  What he's done is a huge betrayal on so many levels.  And it's a big old slap in the face to act like it's not THAT big of a deal.  As if you're making too much out of it.

He's lying when he says it was "just touching".  It's NEVER just touching with these guys.  I don't know what difference it makes, anyway - if a man touched all over me, my husband would certainly consider it cheating.  I'd draw the line at intention to cheat, communicating in ways that are reserved only for the two of you, and not forsaking you for all others.

Please do get tested ASAP for STDs.  The fact that he risked your health over his desires shows you that you play second fiddle to his whims.  It's more important to indulge in his desires than it is to not hurt you, or to not endanger you.  And then to lie about it and make it seem like you're overblowing what he's done is just..... insulting.

I'm so sorry.

Kel

Thank you for your messages. Each one has helped quite a bit.
My husband is acting so strange since I confronted him. He is being overly
nice, friendly and helpful. I know he is trying to manipulate my emotions.
I am sure I want a divorce. Even before he finally was honest me, I was
feeling so detached from him. I know something was wrong. Unfortunately he controls
our finances. He has a degree in accounting and felt he should handle the money.
I see what a big mistake that was and getting a divorce is going to more difficult. I am sure he has been using money for his cd clothing and money for entertaining men.
Since I confronted him he has shown no emotions, empathy, concern for
what he has done.

Jana,
"..Since I confronted him he has shown no emotions, empathy, concern for
what he has done..."

So sorry..yes that is what they do...  it took me a long time to process that I would not get any remorse or empathy from my ex..  She thought what she was doing was right...that I somehow deserved it.   It's a complete brainf*k. .  Know that it is not you...do not think anything he is doing is ok.

I also, let my spouse handle the finances... I had complete trust.     Do not worry about that...it did not take me that long to learn how to do them all myself...it is not complex or hard;  they just made us think that way.     Remember in a divcorce he also is entitled to half of the debts.   In my state anyway neither spouse has any real advantage.  

Detach...small steps...build a support system.    It is a season  but there is an end.
 

I second Rob's comment--what you are seeing in your husband's reaction to your uncovering his activities is narcissistic rage.  You can even read Anne Lawrence's article on narcissistic rage in autogynephilic men; it's available here: http://www.annelawrence.com/

I also second Lily's suggestion you get access to your finances.  Even if you don't confront your husband, you can go access your financial information.  I, too, turned over the finances to my husband, years ago, but after reading here and on Chump Lady about spouses using money for their "extracurricular" activities and affairs, I decided I needed to keep a weather eye on our finances.  I went to the bank, and with a banker there I got signed onto on-line banking, with my own password, so I can track all our accounts, and the activity.  It's been an eye-opener, that's for sure.  No siphoning off of funds, but poor money management, and money spent on himself for things that were never discussed with me.  
    Finding this out actually helped me move forward in my plans to divorce him; one reason I hadn't begun the process was financial--I thought I'd be hurt financially.  Now I see that he's been spending much more than I do, for years, all the while making it seem as if I was spending too much, and I've been cutting back and cutting back to the extent that I made do with my growing son's hand me down coats rather than buying anything new for myself.  Well, that changed last year after my husband said his wearing women's clothes was no different than my wearing men's.  As I pointed out, I was neither deriving any sexual pleasure from wearing them nor thinking they made me more like a man when I was wearing them!  And then I went out and bought myself a lovely women's nightgown and a new winter coat.