Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



Wed Sep 6 9:28 pm  #21


Re: Thoughts

Help102,

"..He said he has never used that computer. So we walked to it  and I said  before I walked out of this house this morning the history was open with all the ads open. It's now deleted   So. You must honestly need to commit me or you know full well what I'm talking about. 
Sadly he said he never touched it. I'm not crazy he said we were probably hacked. .."


I  can only commiserate with the "making you think you are crazy"...its called gaslighting  and if you watch the movie  Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman you , like me , will identify with her..You will also see how diabolical it is... its not just lying...its making you doubt yourself and think you are crazy....it the fact that they think that is ok and normal.   

My gay ex would do this all time ..    Most of the time it as just subtle lies...saying I forgot something or she told me something..... none of which was true.      I bascailly stopped believing anything she said...if her lips were moving she was lying.   At best she was saying some twisted version of the truth.   ts a horrible feeling ..It added to my  trauma...causing me to shake more..

You are not crazy.     They will go to any length to protect their secret.    I Just  Please do not doubt yourself.   Do not leave real true  reality and succumb to their false world of lies.
It is scary ....that they will lie and hurt..     Keep snooping..but don't expect to find anything good...he could be doing more horrible things ..
Detach emotionally..build your support system..do whatever you need to do for yourself and your kids.   

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Thu Sep 7 7:11 am  #22


Re: Thoughts

One of the hardest things about this was watching my then wife be completely indifferent and without compassion.    I could sob in front of her and she would look at me like what is your problem?   And (this is the kicker)..she could do the same thing to the kids!

Without empathy, remorse, or compassion..  a monster, inhuman.   Nothing in my , religion or life experience prepared me for that.
My local SSN group help me process this as they and folks here seemed the only people who have gone through and experienced this.  

I pride myself is saying I came out of this without becoming like her.  I can still give empathy and compassion to my kids, family...  here.      I am normal and not a monster like her.

Its a scary thing to experience and witness.     I fear her to this day.    If you put a gun to my head I would not take her back.  


 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Thu Sep 7 8:22 am  #23


Re: Thoughts

I also experienced the total lack of reaction to my sobbing. Actually from both of my 'non-straight' ex's.

I am fighting not to become like him though. It's hard not to feel vengeful and act on that.

 

Thu Sep 7 9:24 am  #24


Re: Thoughts

Our pain puts them in a hard spot.  I got the same from my ex.  I got a few silent hugs at first.  Actually a few hollow apologies, but I knew they weren't genuine.  Later on she told me to "man up" and "quit being a baby".  Then she started to get mean and blame me for the divorce. 

How do you offer genuine comfort to a person in devastating pain that you caused?  

To offer genuine condolence and compassion and care you would have to stop the actions that are causing the pain.  They don't want to stop, so they are just in an awkward position and conflict within themselves.  To comfort us means they are basically saying they are bad.

My point is..  don't expect them to comfort you.  Don't look to them for any compassion.  You will get one of three things..  1. very fake words.  2. no reaction at all.   3. backlash 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Sep 7 10:01 am  #25


Re: Thoughts

Good point Phoenix, it did seem he was rooted to the spot. Of course they can't console because they can't be what we want them to be.

Except for when they declare they've given it all up and are totally devoted to you now. Now? Why? And at least have the decency to walk away.

 

Thu Sep 7 11:46 am  #26


Re: Thoughts

Thank you to everyone for there words.  I have been physically ill for 3 days and would probably be on the path to a mental evaluation if I didnt have any validation. 

I am realizing from the posts, he cant fix anything with his words.  And you are all right there is nothing to fix it anymore.  So, I have stopped those thoughts in my mind. 

I guess I am feeling so incredibly sorry for myself right now.  I spent the day staying busy cleaning kids rooms, scrubbing, just staying out of his way.  Yet he seems so peaceful..."need any help?"  Want any lunch? 
Even muttering the words no thanks you brings tears that never stop.  And he just moves on. 
Leaving 3 hours early for work or whatever he is doing. 

I am thankful he isnt being mean to me yet.  I know it will come.  I know I need to go and get tested but, I just cant seem to do it yet.  I know I need to tell someone but, I just cant yet.  It makes it seem too real. 

I am stunned he is willing to pretend the rest of his life away.  I am crushed and devastated.

 

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Sep 7 12:24 pm  #27


Re: Thoughts

Help102 wrote:

Thank you to everyone for there words.  I have been physically ill for 3 days and would probably be on the path to a mental evaluation if I didnt have any validation.  

This is completely normal.  It's OK to not be OK. This is one of the top two or three most painful experiences in life.  I've heard that losing a child is the only thing more traumatic.  So, it's normal to be physically ill.   I lost 21 pounds in 18 days.  I wasn't capable of cleaning rooms.. all i could bring myself to do is sit on the couch and watch TV.. and it had to be the home and garden network because I couldn't take anything with even an ounce of drama or suspense.  I took a few weeks off work on disability at the recommendation of my Dr and a therapist from work.  


Help102 wrote:

I am thankful he isnt being mean to me yet.  I know it will come.  I know I need to go and get tested but, I just cant seem to do it yet.  I know I need to tell someone but, I just cant yet.  It makes it seem too real. 

I am stunned he is willing to pretend the rest of his life away.  I am crushed and devastated.
 

Not every spouse turns on us and becomes mean.  But I think you are wise to be prepared for it. 

When you say "I just can't do it yet", that is just fine.  Take things a day at a time..  an hour at a time.  Be kind to yourself.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Sep 7 12:33 pm  #28


Re: Thoughts

I typed too soon....
shortly after he left he messaged me that he went to work since I was ignoring him
When I said So, the solution is us to pretend the last week just didnt happen?  He said, NO


I just want crazier sex with you.

I responded :  So, I am to comfort myself with the thoughts of: If only I would have crazier sex with you, He would have never been seeking elsewhere.  In between the sobs, I should just calm down and breath deep thinking he would have never lied if only I would have used a strap on again.  I really should just stop the tears and have wild crazy sex and life will be blissful once again...

And he simply says:  You want to talk and then you only get more angry.  It is pointless.
 

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Sep 7 2:31 pm  #29


Re: Thoughts

It might be impossible to digest right now, but eventually you'll see that them admitting to what they've done and who they are isn't necessary for you to move on.  It seems counter-intuitive right now - because you've always relied on what you thought was their honesty and support to get through your personal trials.  And this time feels no different.  But it IS.  They have caused the hurt, so just like Phoenix above says, they cannot and will not comfort you in your time of need.  Because to do that would require authentic compassion.  And if they had that for you, they'd never have done this to you in the first place.

You've also just learned that they have been actively, purposefully lying to your face for a long time now.  When we know and trust someone for a long time and we find a huge lie, we for some reason assume that when we confront them (especially with evidence), they'll tell us the truth.  Which is why hearing that they didn't do what you're accusing them of is so confusing - because you want that to be the truth!  But..... if they've taught you anything, it's that their words cannot be taken at face value any longer.  There's a big difference between a little white lie of "No, you don't look fat in those pants", and a huge WHOPPER - like being cheated on, or betraying you behind your back and then not admitting it when confronted.  And when they'll deceive you to that level, NOTHING they say can be trusted any longer.  They have gone through with the ultimate betrayal - everything else would be easy to lie about compared to what they've already lied about.  So getting them to admit the truth is not something that they're going to do.  AND at this point, you can't believe ANYthing that comes out of their mouth.  So asking for the truth is pointless - you wouldn't know the truth from a lie at this point anyway - and that's THEIR fault, not yours.

If you pretend for a moment that he'll never admit the truth to you, then you're at the next step.  What would you do then?  Imagine that - he never admits the truth to you, he lies and deceives and gas lights you just to keep his secret.  Then..... what would happen?  You'd eventually need to decide the truth based on your OWN knowledge.  On what you've seen, felt, found, etc.  You will likely wind up there eventually.  And the sooner you can ask yourself those kinds of questions, the more clear you'll get on what you want to do.  It won't be easier to actually DO what you want to do, but at least you'll know what that is and can start down THAT path vs. chasing your own tail in circles.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Thu Sep 7 2:40 pm  #30


Re: Thoughts

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so upset.  That's normal.  Not fun, but it's okay - it doesn't make you anything but completely human.  We have one user here who experienced her ex telling her he was gay, and she HAD already lost a child to death.  And she said it was easier to lose the child.   But only because her daughter was no longer sick or in pain - and she'd gone to a better place.  She felt peace on her daughter's behalf.  She said this sh*t was more difficult than that.  THAT is saying something.

He's actually behaving in ways very classic to examples from others here.  He's doing the gas lighting technique where he'd rather have you spin yourself in circles than admit the truth.  He's trying to show some form of compassion when you're in pain, but he can't do so authentically.  He's trying to act as though everything were normal - because that's the way he wants it to be.  He's willing to let you blame yourself for not only what he's done, but why he's done it.  He's tried to interact with you in ways that seem like an olive branch, so that life goes back to normal (can I help?  Want some lunch?).  And then finally, when you make it clear that you have nothing to say unless you two talk about this, he says that talking will not help because you just want to be angry.  He's trying to take ALL your power away!  If you show sadness, that doesn't get to him.  If you show anger, he claims that you don't actually want to talk.  EVERYthing he's doing is designed to put the ball back in his court.

You DO have choices here.  You could tell him that you're too freaking angry to look at his damned face right now, and he needs to find someone to stay with for a while.  You can't really make him do it, but you can certainly scream it at him.  Then watch his reaction.  THEN he'll get angry.  Because even you being silent and sobbing doesn't really bother him all that much - no biggie - he can deal with you feeling like shit.  But the moment you try to alter his life based on his choices, he's going to go full angry mode.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum