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Wed Sep 6 2:25 pm  #11


Re: Thoughts

I guess I'm pretty black and white. You don't walk out on the one you love knowing you are cause of there devistation. It's cowardly and that's not what I signed up for.
He won't admit it. He has convinced himself it's not true so what is there left to say??  I can't talk to lies.

Like most we can't afford to run two homes. He is fully ignoring me.

Hopefully time will allow me to talk without crying ūüė≠.

 

Wed Sep 6 3:00 pm  #12


Re: Thoughts

I'm sorry it hurts so much.  This conversation has so far been very black and white as you say.  We really haven't talked about your emotions. 

We all understand those emotions.  It's like death only you have to keep living through it.  The pain of betrayal cuts deeper than any physical wound. 

It's ok to not be ok.  Just remember that.  There is nothing wrong with you for being devastated.  Crying is a healthy expression of your pain and nothing wrong with you.  Don't feel guilty or think you need to be stronger. 

Over the next few days and weeks keep an eye on your health.  Common symptoms of this type of shock are inability to sleep, lack of appetite, anxiety attacks and depression.  These can be very dangerous, so please go see a Dr to help keep these issues under control.  

Please seek out a support network.  We are here for you of course, but can't give you a real hug in person. Find close friends, family or neighbors you can trust to be there for you.  You will feel pressured to keep his secret, but don't harm yourself by doing that.  You don't owe him any further harm to yourself.  If you need to tell a few people what's going on in your life, you do that. 

We have local support networks in most major cities..  please fill out this form and give them a day or two to get you in touch:    http://www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/


When you are ready, and this can be in days or weeks or months, you should start to consider divorce preparation.  Find all copies of financial documents and bank accounts and make sure you have copies and access.  Check out local attorneys, most of whom offer free or low cost consultations.  Google search the divorce laws in your state to start to get an idea of the process and time-frame.  You're not committing to anything.. just gaining some knowledge ahead of time.  Again, all of this is important, but don't let it be overwhelming.  If all you can do today is stay in bed, that's ok.  It's ok tomorrow as well.  Take care of yourself and take steps forward when you are ready. 

We've been there.. we know how it feels.  We are here to help. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Sep 6 3:32 pm  #13


Re: Thoughts

Wow.  Yeah, he has zero intention of telling you the truth.  He'd rather have you think you're crazy than tell the truth.  So sorry.  The fact that so many of us go through it doesn't make it any easier, I know.

What would happen if instead of saying that he needs to commit you, you said, "Do you SERIOUSLY expect me to believe that horseshit? You are insulting my intelligence! I don't give a rat's ass what the words are that are coming out of your mouth - at this point, they're all lies.  You are not going to skate out of this one this time.  I've HAD it!"  What would happen?  Would he argue back?  Have you ever said anything like that to him?

Kel

Last edited by Kel (Wed Sep 6 3:33 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Sep 6 3:52 pm  #14


Re: Thoughts

He has always been very very stubborn. I've known something isn't right with him since last October but unable to put my finger on it.

I did confront him today and said we both know and he gets very very angry saying I'm trying to make him admit to something that's a lie...... 

He will now buy me
Gifts and try to pretend like nothing ever happened.  In fact when I saw him this afternoon he said he had bought me a new MacBook that I have been wanting.

I did send him a text message saying he was being cruel and I would pray he could find some faith in our vows that he can at the very least tell me he isn't ready to face reality. But radio silence is all I get

I feel alone because I don't want to tell anyone his secrets. Plus I know he will just say I'm lying.

When will he realize he has issues??

Last edited by Help102 (Wed Sep 6 3:59 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Sep 6 4:11 pm  #15


Re: Thoughts

Wow, a macbook scores high on the guilt-scale...

I think it’s easier for him to shift this to be your problem since he then can avoid dealing with his own issues. It might be difficult for him to admit what he has done, and that is entirely on him. I think you should talk to a close friend, family, a counselor, therapist or someone you trust (and by all means, keep posting). His secrets aren’t yours to keep and you should focus on yourself over him, including not feeling the least bad about your need to talk to someone about what you’re going through.


English isn’t my primary language, please bear with my spelling errors
 

Wed Sep 6 4:23 pm  #16


Re: Thoughts

It's impossible to deal with when he just pretends life is satus quo. It makes me feel like I'm the bad persons here.

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Sep 6 5:39 pm  #17


Re: Thoughts

Thank you for sharing that. That is exactly the path he took with me today. Letting me melt down and sob that I'm. It crazy as  he stood there and rubbed  my back as if to say I was crazy.

And again I just want him to show me a little compassion after I all I have been fully devoted to this man through thick and thin. I deserve honesty.

But that got me no where. In fact he is texting kids and tries to lightly ask stupid questions.

I want some relief something to relive the ache.

I do t think I want to admit i love a narcissist yet. I think that will hurt more. So many good things have come from our marriage it's almost not bearable to acknowledge yet

Last edited by Help102 (Wed Sep 6 5:45 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Sep 6 7:38 pm  #18


Re: Thoughts

yes please, Ynadin, start the thread.  You have such a strong grasp of the topic and it has affected me enormously too.

 

Wed Sep 6 8:36 pm  #19


Re: Thoughts

Help102 wrote:

I deserve honesty.

I think many people here would say that. Without honesty what kind of relationship do you really have?

Hang in there, it's all a bit overwhelming at first.

 

Wed Sep 6 9:28 pm  #20


Re: Thoughts

Help102,

"..He said he has never used that computer. So we walked to it  and I said  before I walked out of this house this morning the history was open with all the ads open. It's now deleted   So. You must honestly need to commit me or you know full well what I'm talking about. 
Sadly he said he never touched it. I'm not crazy he said we were probably hacked. .."


I  can only commiserate with the "making you think you are crazy"...its called gaslighting  and if you watch the movie  Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman you , like me , will identify with her..You will also see how diabolical it is... its not just lying...its making you doubt yourself and think you are crazy....it the fact that they think that is ok and normal.   

My gay ex would do this all time ..    Most of the time it as just subtle lies...saying I forgot something or she told me something..... none of which was true.      I bascailly stopped believing anything she said...if her lips were moving she was lying.   At best she was saying some twisted version of the truth.   ts a horrible feeling ..It added to my  trauma...causing me to shake more..

You are not crazy.     They will go to any length to protect their secret.    I Just  Please do not doubt yourself.   Do not leave real true  reality and succumb to their false world of lies.
It is scary ....that they will lie and hurt..     Keep snooping..but don't expect to find anything good...he could be doing more horrible things ..
Detach emotionally..build your support system..do whatever you need to do for yourself and your kids.   

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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