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Wed Sep 6 10:26 am  #1


Thoughts

Long story...
Yesterday husband said he had to work late on his no overtime  week. I see he has saved a few nudes of women. When I get home (he is gone but was home all day alone)
Search history shows he was responding to m4m and t4m posts. Along with w4w posts.

I text him and ask if he's been on cl and I get no why would you ask

I shut down. No point if he is going to lie to me

He gets home at the right time and acts like I've been so mean to him. Again I have nothing to say but notice he came home and went straight to the computer and checked the history (too bad he looked at the wrong browser)

Now this morning he is not speaking to me. I am positive I'll get the I won't use the phone or computer since I get accused of cheating all the time poor poor him

He has wanted me to use a strap on. I've done it not really my thing. He consistently wants anal sex which is ok but not what I want daily

I know positively he was responding to trans and m4m ads....

What do I do

 

Wed Sep 6 10:57 am  #2


Re: Thoughts

Help102, 

Welcome to our group.  It sounds like you've uncovered some things about your husband that you didn't expect.  

Let's first take out the gay thing.  How would you feel about a husband who is responding to sexual ads on the computer.. assume for now they are women.  I assume you would see the intent to cheat and be outraged.. right?    Now you ad the fact that he's lying to you, acting paranoid (which indicated he's hiding things) and now he's playing mental games with you.  Are honesty and monogamy two traits you expect in your marriage?  If he's cheating with women behind your back and lying to you would you start to consider counseling or possibly even divorce?

Now let's add the twist..  What if it's not women he is chasing outside your marriage?  You seem to have proof he is after men and you can back that up with the knowledge that he likes anal sex.  How does this bode for your lives years into the future.  That desire of his is not going to go away. 

The reason I separate the gay thing from the behavior is to make the focus on the most important part.  If he's trying to cheat on you, then you don't have the kind of marriage you expect and you are going to be taken advantage of and be very unhappy.  The gay part can make things cloudy.  I've seen women spend years (sometimes decades) trying to figure this out and missing the point that their husbands are awful mates.  

What do you do?   Think clearly about what you expect from your spouse.  If you feel that cheating, lying and mental games are outside your boundaries, then you need to start having some hard conversation with him, probably best done with a councilor.  If he's unwilling to come clean and be honest with you, then it's not unreasonable to consider divorce. 

The next big question is:  What happens if he is truly gay?  If he is gay only, that means that he is attracted to men only and not women. If only attracted to men, then your marriage will be incomplete.  That important romantic and sensual part of your relationship will go away and you will be left with a friendship.  If you can both live happily with no sex life, then you can be happy and keep your marriage.  If you are one of the few people who is ok with your spouse going outside your marriage for intercourse, then you can probably be happy in your marriage.  If neither of these is the case then one of you will be unhappy for sure and if that's the case, then both will likely be unhappy.  What you need to understand is that he can't change his sexuality.  He has most likely tried to do this since his early teen years and is not willing to any longer.  It will get worse, not better.  

Hope some of this advice helps. 

If you are feeling signs of shock, please consider getting help.  Lack of sleep, difficulty to focus and work, anxiety attacks, depression, etc.. are normal and natural signs of physical shock that comes with mental distress.  This is real and it can be dangerous.  Please consider seeing a Dr and/or therapist for help.  Also, if there is a chance that he is sleeping with anyone outside your marraige you should get tested for STD's and stop having sex with him for your own safety for the time being.  


Please stick around and let us help you.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Sep 6 11:03 am  #3


Re: Thoughts

I don't understand why the dishonesty keeps going. Or how to even reason with him if he won't be honest
Going on cl and having intent is dishonest and cheating to me and it's far worse when he can't be honest or wants me to prove to him that I know.

I want him to be honest I need him to be honest I deserve that and it's worse he just won't do it

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Sep 6 11:22 am  #4


Re: Thoughts

He's not being honest with you because he knows that you won't tolerate what he's doing/has done.  And rightfully so.  To me, if a partner is actively seeking to cheat, then that's BAD - almost as bad as the cheating.  Maybe worse, in some ways.  I mean, we all understand a momentary lapse in judgement and a moment of weakness coming together to produce a kiss.  But actively going online to seek partners for cheating?  That's very, very intentional.

I agree with what Phoenix said.  Separate the gay out for a moment and look at his behavior as if he'd done this with a woman. Is it okay with you?  THEN add the gay thing back in.  Which isn't fixable.  And there you have it - a man who's being dishonest and is cheating.  And on top of it, sometimes with men.  Ew.

RUN.  Like your hair's on fire.

And don't let him control the tone in the home.  There really is no "good" way for him to react.  I mean, if he came home and acted like nothing happened, that'd be dismissive.  If he came home crying and begging, that'd be fake - because he didn't care what he was doing until he got CAUGHT.  But the worst reaction is to come home angry - as if YOU did something wrong.  You didn't.  HE did.  And then he lied to cover it up.  And you didn't believe him.  And he's mad at you for...... what, exactly?  For needing to snoop in the first place?  For not trusting him?  Well, we see that you were right - he wasn't deserving of trust because he wasn't being trustworthy.  And then what - you didn't believe him when he lied to you?  You've already found irrefutable proof of what he's done.  Lying it just insulting to your intelligence.  Him showing anger toward you is very manipulative.  He's attempting to smoke you out - to show you what HE will tolerate - and he will NOT tolerate you confronting him on his wrongdoing.  He figures that if you bow to this attempt to manipulate you, then he can go right on doing what he's been doing - because he has control over you.  Show him that's not the case - YOU determine how people treat you by what you tolerate.  And you won't tolerate cheating and lying.  Period.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Sep 6 11:27 am  #5


Re: Thoughts

Good question!

Here's what I've learned through my experience with my ex-wife and through hundreds of stories that have been shared here:  Some people are born with same-sex attraction.  It's part of who they are and not a choice.  Most people figure out who they are attracted to during their early teen years.  By this age, they clearly understand that being gay makes them different than the norm.  In our society it's viewed badly.  Gay people are picked on, attacked and made to feel inferior or disgusting.   When they find out they are gay they can either accept it or hide it.  Many chose to hide it.  Many think they can overcome it and change.   Our sexuality is at the core of our being and for those who chose to hide it, it's the most closely hidden secret in their world.  They spend decades and sometimes an entire lifetime hiding this secret.  Though it comes across as derogatory.. it's true..  they have become professional liars.  They have woven an entire fictional life around themselves in order to stay in the closet.  

Help,  if your husband is gay, he has most likely spent most of his life hiding it.  That makes him a professional at this.  To avoid admitting it he will continue to lie to you.. directly to your face, over and over, even when you have absolute proof.  He just will not admit it until he is ready to come out.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Sep 6 11:29 am  #6


Re: Thoughts

So sorry you find yourself here.

Sounds much like I found, sounds like he may be into crossdressing and submission, it's all so complicated when you find them into, and advertising for transexuals. I think you should run too. I did.

I hope you find peace in time.

Last edited by Duped (Wed Sep 6 11:30 am)

 

Wed Sep 6 11:30 am  #7


Re: Thoughts

Thank you kel
I wasn't snooping  in all honestly I was looking for a link I had the day before only to find his numerous cl searches.....

How do I deal with his refusal to acknowledge anything. I won't prove to him anything that's not going to happen.

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Sep 6 12:47 pm  #8


Re: Thoughts

Oh trust me - I wasn't faulting you for snooping.  I found stuff once the same way - was checking his email as he'd told me to, and found matches to a personals site with gay matches.  At least he admitted it.  I expected him to say that it was an ad.

You really can't get them to acknowledge anything.  And that's because they don't want to acknowledge it to themselves.  They've spent years making excuses to themselves for their behavior.  They've made hiding their desires a professional job.  So they're not going to just.... admit it.  NOTHING will make them admit it.  You could have videotape of him f*cking a trannie, and he'd just say it's not him.  Or that he was tricked into it.  Or that he didn't think sleeping with a MAN would be considered cheating.  You will hear any and everything except for "Yes, I did it, and I own it.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  Please forgive me."  Very few of us have heard such an admittance from their spouse.

It's a human thing to want admittance when someone's done something that has hurt or betrayed you.  We seem to not be able to make sense out of the situation until we have that.  But it turns out that even when we DO have an admittance and apology, we want more.  We want details of what the other person has done, exactly.  Because we feel entitled to that.  Then we want motive.  We want to understand how they could DO this to us if they loved us.  We want to know when they stopped loving us, or respecting us, and why.  The bottom line is that there is NEVER a good enough answer to just..... make our hearts absorb it all and make us all better.  It's not something you understand and then accept.  It's something you just accept - and likely never really understand.

There are a ton of things in life that we know we won't get to the bottom of.  A drunk driver hitting a loved one, for instance.  We get that they were drunk.  But WHY did they think they could drive in that condition?!?  Because they were drunk.  What time did they start drinking?  It doesn't matter.  The only time those answers matter is in trying to combat the problem in the future.  None of the answers bring your loved one back.  Not a single one of them. No amount of understanding would make you grieve less for them.  This is much the same.  The reason he's not admitting it is because he doesn't WANT to - it makes him look bad.  And he can't handle that.  The reason you can't get the truth is because if he gave you the truth, he'd have to admit who and what he is.  And he doesn't WANT to - for whatever reason.  It doesn't matter if he loved you until the day he did this to you, or if he married you to be his beard - you are still left holding the same damned sack of trash in the end.

The ONLY thing you have control over from this point forward is your own reaction/actions.  You are in charge of what you say and do.  That doesn't mean that what you need to do is be nice and understanding.  You've just learned that someone that supposedly loves you has betrayed you, and then lied about it to your face.  And then got angry when you didn't believe the lie.  That's what you work with, right there.  What do you want to do now that you've figured out that's what you've got for a partner?  Someone who lies to you, cheats on you, deceives you, and has exposed you to illness?

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Sep 6 1:01 pm  #9


Re: Thoughts

I came home early to see him. Initially he acted as if nothing was wrong. Where do you want this...  I asked him if he was going to be honest   He said he has never used that computer. So we walked to it  and I said  before I walked out of this house this morning the history was open with all the ads open. It's now deleted   So. You must honestly need to commit me or you know full well what I'm talking about.
Sadly he said he never touched it. I'm not crazy he said we were probably hacked.
As I stood there sobbing he rubbed my back. I went to get tissue and began sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom to which he said he has to go to work.

The end....

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Sep 6 2:06 pm  #10


Re: Thoughts

Help102 wrote:

The end....

Those are two powerful words.   If they mean what they seem to, then you have made a very important and life-changing decision.  

When you are ready, let us know and we can all share some advice on how to move forward with the next steps.  It's a tough storm to weather, but we are here for you and can help you get through it. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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