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September 3, 2017 8:23 am  #1


Lost....

I dont where to start, it all hurts so much. After 28 years of marriage my wife has told me she thinks she is bisexual! I love her so much and have told her I will be there with her to figure this out together. The woman she wants to be with is a friend she has she has very deep feelings cor.She assures me she loves me, wants to spend her life with me but that I need to accept this, which at times I think I can. They have not had sex but would love to with my blessing! My head and heart are telling me to trust her and to support bit my gutt is telling me otherwise! Im so conflicted! My emotions are all over the place!

 

September 3, 2017 9:09 am  #2


Re: Lost....

Hi 2ndfiddle - that's an expressive name to use.  Yes you must listen to your gut.  Give it a hug and let it know you're listening.

don't forget to breathe and drink lots of water.  be kind to yourself at all times - strap yourself in this is going to be a painful and bumpy road - but you will be alright in the end.  

please think about the fact that your wife has kept something so important hidden from you for so long - that says something about her and the way she is with you and has been all along.

I must admit it seems unlikely to me that your wife and her friend haven't been having sex.  what does your gut think?

 

September 3, 2017 9:48 am  #3


Re: Lost....

2ndfiddle,

You wrote this in the most kind and empathetic way about your wife.   I think these spouses seek us out.      
We are empaths.   We are selfless.   And still  they,  in your words  "have not had sex but would love to with my blessing! "  

It's like that Meatload song;  " I will do anyting for love,  but I won't do that".     I would have died for my then wife. But what she was asking of me and then how she was treating me was hell on earth..  I could not do it.   One should not have to beg their lifetime friend of decades  to "pick me,  pick me".  That is not love.

And what we've seen here its too late..  If you were to tell your wife you want to have sex with some woman , your wife, in her present state,  would say "ok".

What she is doing is not ok  and your hurt is telling you this..

Its a deep dark secret these spouses kept from us.  Not only that they have a same sex attraction ...No...in my mind the real scary thing is that they are capable of discarding us for it after so many years....its downright scary because you or I could not do that..     Our vows and promisses are good.. our word is good.  Theirs.. it changes with the wind... I find that scary...

What type of person can suddenly withdraw physical contact and affection from their spouse who did nothing wrong?

What type of person can cheat on their spouse and think  its ok?

What type of person can hurt their spouse and think its ok?

It is hard to wrap your head around but I urge you to stay in reality. Tell your wife no,  that she is morally wrong.  That this hurts you and she will lose you.  You have no control over what she does now so I urge you to start building your support system.   But please don't allow your spouse to make you think that what she is doing is ok ..that it is your fault  or that you have to put up with it..  You do not.  They are wrong on so many levels.

 

Last edited by Rob (September 3, 2017 9:52 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 3, 2017 10:36 am  #4


Re: Lost....

Thank you Rob. She brought to this to my attention roughly three weeks ago while discussing her friendship with this woman. I made a sexual joke about her attarction to this woma and she asked how I would feel if she were to sleep with her? When i agreed to she said, I am thrilled!" I was schocked at her response but told myself if she needs to do this to feel beter then okay. Well fast forward a few days to last weekend when my wife informs me that her friend's xgirlfriend, with whom she still lives becasue the sex is great, discovered my wife's text messages to her friend and had told the friend she was going to tell me about them. My wife beat her to the punch and told me about them but refused tolet me see them. She has since put passwords on all her sites to keep me out. I feel she has played me, that they were carrying on behind my back well before she  finally came out to me. She. Ontinues to assure me that her heart is here with me but she is being tugged down andifferent path that she has to discover, with or withiut me. It kills me that is willing to throw away our wonderful life for this woman who still lives with her X three hours away. I dont get it. Last night while at camp, her friend stays here too at another site, we had plans to go meet other friends but instead she went to see her frined and her family. She got really upset with me when I went to get her over an hour later, accusing her of chooing to be with this woman over me. Told me to get it tigether before I give it all away!

Last edited by 2nd fiddle (September 3, 2017 10:43 am)

     Thread Starter
 

September 3, 2017 10:59 am  #5


Re: Lost....

Yes, she most certainly needs to figure this out, but she would rather re-write your marriage contract after 28 years than make some difficult decisions. Does she want to open up the marriage for both of you or just herself? In my opinion, asking your 'blessing' is not a noble act. It is a way for her to whitewash any feelings of guilt or betrayal. In addition, if sets up the come-back to any future misgivings you might have about this - 'you agreed to this'.

Think about where this might lead to? For some people here, bi was just a transitional word to avoid saying gay or lesbian. Almost like a way to make you think you still have a chance or because our spouse wasn't ready to say that word yet. What happens if she develops an emotional/sexual attachment to this person, or some other woman? Where does that leave you? What if you and this third person have some sort of difference of opinion or feel that your spouse is spending too much time with the other? There is a very valid old saying - two is company, three is a crowd.

You do not have to agree with what she wants to do. Also, you cannot really prevent her. Love or marriage is not supposed to include self-sacrifice of this nature. It is supposed to be mutually supportive and I fear your supports are getting kicked out from under you. Whatever happens, don't lose your core truths about yourself.

 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 3, 2017 10:59 am  #6


Re: Lost....

2ndfiddle,

Yeah I recall all my now ex giving all her time and attention to her girlfriend that was married also.
So my ex and her girlfriend destroyed 2 homes.   

I'm so sorry but you can see and feel how her loyalty has shifted.
I moved out of the bedroom when my she could not stop texting the woman all night long...  the bed was too crowded and my then wife had basically chose. ..she chose her girlfriend over me..she chose her girlfriend over any damage it would do to the kids. 

Its a scary thing to realize your spouse is not the person you thought they were..horrible to see as their morals and need for gay sex destroy decades of friendship and what you built together.

We cannot control them..for myself all i could do was turn my fierce love, loyalty, talents toward supporting myself and the kids.  Because these spouses no longer support us or the kids.

Your seeing your spouse in the teenager phase of her affair. You need to get support system and protect yourself and the kids. 

This is not us leaving them, this is them rejecting us.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 3, 2017 11:16 am  #7


Re: Lost....

My thoughts on what you said....

2nd fiddle wrote:

I made a sexual joke about her attarction to this woma and she asked how I would feel if she were to sleep with her?

- testing the waters?

2nd fiddle wrote:

Well fast forward a few days to last weekend when my wife informs me that her friend's xgirlfriend, with whom she still lives becasue the sex is great, discovered my wife's text messages to her friend and had told the friend she was going to tell me about them. My wife beat her to the punch and told me about them but refused tolet me see them. She has since put passwords on all her sites to keep me out.

- Sounds like this 'friend' sees nothing wrong with cheating and would likely encourage your spouse to do the same. What was in those texts that you're 'not allowed' to see? Sudden privacy blocks are a big red flag.

2nd fiddle wrote:

She. Ontinues to assure me that her heart is here with me but she is being tugged down andifferent path that she has to discover, with or withiut me.

- based on what happens next, where is her heart?

2nd fiddle wrote:

Last night while at camp, her friend stays here too at another site, we had plans to go meet other friends but instead she went to see her frined and her family. She got really upset with me when I went to get her over an hour later, accusing her of chooing to be with this woman over me. Told me to get it tigether before I give it all away!

- interesting coincidence that her friend is nearby? She is probably upset because she DID choose to spend her time with HER friend and not your other friends. And then we come to a glimpse of the possible future - let me do what I want, or else. So, where is her heart in all this?

Sorry you are going through this but I think you will find the act of writing this out is very helpful, and a good resource later to re-read.

 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 3, 2017 12:00 pm  #8


Re: Lost....

I feel like she continues to deny my true feelings. Today is was " get it together." When I try to speak up and speak out, she accises me of being controlling! Seeing a counselor on Wedneday to help me. I fear how my 12 year old feel should his mom and I not work it out. Thank you guys for helping.

     Thread Starter
 

September 3, 2017 2:49 pm  #9


Re: Lost....

Yeah...I looked for empathy and honest conversion and was greeted with anger and rage.    They do it to deflect everything onto us and make themselves think what they are doing is ok.    ie...   you looked at my text ...how dare you look at me text   (when the text contain horrible cheating).    They have to deflect off the elephant in the room.     How they think this is ok and how they sleep at night we will never know.

Good for you for getting a therapist...  one needs all the help they can get to process this.  Your kid needs you..a strong dad that puts him first...  your wife is not putting your son first.... she can rage all shes wants and say she is but she is not.. Do not get sucked into their logic and reasoning... you can see already it is flawed and selfish.

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 5, 2017 9:21 am  #10


Re: Lost....

2nd fiddle wrote:

I feel like she continues to deny my true feelings. Today is was " get it together." When I try to speak up and speak out, she accises me of being controlling! Seeing a counselor on Wedneday to help me. I fear how my 12 year old feel should his mom and I not work it out. Thank you guys for helping.

Wow.. that's a trigger for me.  I had the same response from my ex.  When she saw me in so much pain she told me to "pull myself together and act like an adult".   She claimed I was a controlling husband and that I wasn't showing her compassion and supporting her in a loving fashion.  What a load of garbage!!!!!   I gave her all of myself for 16 years+.  I was fiercely loyal, protective, and giving.. but I wasn't about to give her a green light to destroy our family, break my heart, and allow sin to take over her life.  

2nd Fiddle, 
Don't feel one ounce guilty about not being supportive of her desire to have sex outside your marriage.  When you gave your wedding vows I'm pretty sure you promised to love her alone for the rest of your life.  That's what marriage is.  

In most stories we hear on this forum, the spouse who claims to be "bi" is using that term to cushion the blow.  If she is truly "Bi", then she should still be sexually satisfied with you right?  That's the idea of BI..  it means attracted to both sexes.  If this is true she shouldn't need to go outside your marriage for sex.   Think of it this way..  As a heterosexual guy.. you are probably attracted to both blondes and brunettes.. probably red heads too.   If your wife is brunette, do you think it would be ok to ask her to let you go find a blonde to have sex with?  NOPE.. you pledged yourself to someone and you don't get to go outside your marriage to experiment.   

Her behavior is completely unacceptable.  She wasn't upfront and honest with you about her sexuality until someone else threatened to "out" her to you.  She is now keeping secrets by putting passwords on everything (my ex did this as well) and this is an admission of guilt..  If there is nothing to hide, then she doesn't need passwords.  If she put passwords on, then she is clearly hiding something.   She is telling you "get it together" because seeing you in pain makes her feel guilty and she can't handle that shame.  She is calling you controlling because she is "deflecting" as Rob mentioned.  Deflecting is when a person can't handle the guilt and needs to invent reasons to justify their actions.  They are trying to put the guilt on you and deflect it from themselves.. this helps them sleep better at night.  

I think your wife is taking a page from my ex's playbook. 


My wife and family were everything to me.  When it broke down I fell apart.  I couldn't function.  It was unhealthy, dangerous, and horrible.  It starts with shock..  not in theory.. in real life.. real physical shock to your body.  You might lose your appetite, have trouble sleeping, have anxiety attacks, etc..   If you notice these things, please see a Dr. and get some medicine to help.  

Take things a day at a time and be kind to yourself.  It's ok to not be ok.  If you need to take off from work you can do that.. you can take long term disability with no harm done to your career.  

Go see that therapist and start talking through the situation. 

I suggest setting some boundaries with your wife.  Let her know what you are or are not comfortable with.  If you are not OK with her being gone overnight, let her know that.  

She is years ahead you in understanding herself and this desire she has.  She is well practiced in lying to you about it.  She is excited about gaining new love and having new experiences, whereas you are threatened with losing your wife and way of life.  DO NOT let her tell you how you should feel about things.  Don't dare let her convince you that you are guilty of anything.. least of all being controlling.  She doesn't get to do that.  She is the guilty one. 

While I'm a proponent of marriage, I would also advise that you start doing some research about divorce laws in your state so that you are prepared.  You can do lots of google searches and you can even see attorneys at low or no cost for a consultation.  Just start learning about the process and learn what mistakes to avoid in case things come to that. 


Keep posting here..  stick around.. share your feelings, journal your experience, ask questions, ask for support.  We are here for you. 





 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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