No Joy,

It is not you.  I repeat just so you know... it is not you..   You describe a spouse devoid of empathy, feelings or caring..   a narcissist.

When I cried  my  gay now ex:
a.)  Scolded me saying not to cry in front of the kids
b.) Said  I needed professional help.
c.) Called me a cry baby..
...  this while cheating on me.

We are authentic people...we cry when we are hurt.    These spouse are indifferent...inhuman.    The fact is he is hurting you  and deflecting the blame back on you.    

I can't help much with official organization ..there is a battered woman hotline in my state   (I satistified many of the "battered" criteria in their phamplet).      You need to build a support system by reaching out to friends, family, doctor, priest.    You have nothing to be ashamed of.    Its all small steps.  You taken one by writing in here.    Start by not engaging with him...start distancing yourself.

a kind e-hug.

 

Welcome No Joy. 

I am looking forward to they day we can remove the word NO from your username.  Hopefully we can help you get there.  

I'm so glad you signed up and shared your feelings.  I think most of us have found that writing things out and sharing them (even in an anonymous setting) is incredibly helpful and therapeutic for us. 

I hate that you seemed trapped in your current setting.  It sounds like you have made up your mind that you are no longer able to stay where you are.  I'm so sad that you've given up so much of your life to this situation already.  How can we help you move forward?

One skill that a lot of us have is survival.  We are surviving the gay thing (TGT) and the financial issues and other struggles that often come with divorce and separation.  Many of us have even survived physical and mental abuse, STD's and other major issues.  We would love to offer our help and advice to see if we can assist you in planning a way forward.  

If you're not comfortable sharing personal details, you are welcome to use private messaging to contact Kel or myself or just about any of the people here on the forum.  



A few direct comments about your post:
Don't lose your faith in God. He is there for you and will see you through it.  Have courage and keep your faith and prayer life strong.  I questioned my faith and why God would allow me to endure such an awful struggle, but in the end it has strengthened my walk with him and offered me an opportunity to use my experience to help others.  I am confident that I will be blessed with great happiness in the future and I'm looking forward to it.  I pray this for you as well. 
I know exactly how you feel when you say that the man you loved never existed.  This is exactly how I feel about my ex.  She tricked me for 16 years and pretended to be a person.  I loved the person she pretended to be.. and then she changed completely into a horrible monster.  She walked away from God and from me and from our family.  
You asked about anger going away.  Mine hasn't yet.. but it's only been a year for me.  I can tell you that it has diminished.  I know others who can honestly say they are no longer angry.  Physical distance is a huge help in the healing process.  You won't begin to truly heal until you are away from him.  Let's figure out how to help make that happen. 

A couple more pieces of advice to share if I may.. 
It's ok to not be ok.  It's ok to cry.  If you are suffering from depression, anxiety attacks, lack of sleep, please go see a doctor and/or therapist and get help.  Please don't keep his secret if it harms you to do so.  You have every right to find and build a support network.   

It's great that you are able to pour out all of this pain into words.  Great therapy.  Keep doing it.  I hope you find that it's helpful. 

Time to focus on you and your life and your future.  What are you going to do for yourself?

Have you taken any time to start to research divorce law in your state?  When you think you are ready, you can meet with some attorney's and get free or low cost consultations and start learning more about the process.  You seem concerned with financial issues, but most states protect spouses by awarding alimony for a period of time to help you get back on your feet.  

I know first hand how devestating this situation is.  But I want you to have some hope.. life will get better.  You might find that you are very happy single, or you might want another man in your life.  Either way life will get better.  You just have to pass through this storm to get there. 

 

Joy,

It can be therapeutic just to tell your story here.    One cannot keep things bottled up forever.     Know that there are kind folks here that will listen..