Jenncboone, so sorry you find yourself here but given you situation would be happening whether or not you're here, here is a good place to be, to get advice from others who've been down or are going through this process.

He doesn't get to decide other people's emotions towards what he's done, that's not for him to control or decide. You need to tell your mother (or whoever else) when YOU decide, NOT him. Please don't let him dictate what you do, it's not about him anymore, he's made it about him long enough, now it's your time. Your mother is entitled to be mad/hurt/angry, why wouldn't she be? And why would he think she shouldn't be? He more than likely wants to be removed from the house etc prior to any of your family finding out so he's not in the direct firing line! Too bad sunshine, he's made his decisions and now he has to live with the consequences!

It sounds like your children are young and you'll need to have interactions with him over them, it would be better if this could be done amicably, it is possible but he needs to show you respect.

These people make it all about them and their struggles and try to minimise what's been done to you, don't fall for this, set your boundaries and stick to them.

Of course you feel like you'll be alone forever, you're still in the shock phase if it's only a month but this won't last forever, there's a lot more phases to go through yet! You're probably a lot younger than a lot of us here (I was over 30 years with my ex) and there is life beyond TGT, you just can't see it now because of the fog you're in, don't be too hard on yourself. 

Keep posting and I'm sure there'll be lots of great advice coming your way! Take care of yourself, you need to be the strong parent for your children as this progresses!

Jenn, 

You are going to get similar advice from most of us I think. 

1.)  Having him move our early will be a blessing.  It will help you move on.  You need distance to heal.  It will be harder than you think at first, but very quickly that will turn and you will find peace and be happier.  The distance is so good.  After a month of having my ex gone it felt like 6 months.   Start thinking of ways to redecorate your house and make it your own. 

2.)  You don't owe him secrecy.  You don't owe him anything.  He chose the selfish route (not just when he disclosed.. he did it when he married you).  Don't keep his secret it it is harming your life.  He is not putting you first, so you need to do that for yourself.  Tell your mother or anyone else as soon as you are comfortable.  He needs to realize that there are repercussions from his actions.  He doesn't get to wreck your life and have you protect him.

3.)  You don't have to be friends to be effective co-parents.  You don't even have to be amicable.  You only need to have the kids best interest as priority and be respectful to each other.   My ex and I are not on good terms..  actually we are on no terms at all.  We communicate ONLY about the kids.. when to pick up, what they need, etc.  We trade days occasionally and adjust schedules once in a while and are respectful and polite in these cases.  We know that doing a favor will be returned with another favor later.  But we have zero personal interaction and zero communication about anything other than required for the kids..  and it's great!  The boys are doing excellent and that's the only thing that matters in this area.  

4.)  Let the jealousy go.. his life is not tied to yours anymore other than as a parent of your kids.  Do not get to the point where your happiness is somehow tied to his unhappiness.  That will leave you as a bitter shell of a woman.  He may seem happy now but the teenage phase will wear off.  You do you..  focus on yourself.  Find peace and happiness.  Heal.  When you are ready you will find a new man and you will live a happy life.. or maybe you will decide that you are happy by yourself.  Find happiness.. you deserve it! 

 

NO Kel. I don't think "most of us wanted to remain friends with our spouses after they did this to us."

That's ABSURD. Nobody wanted to offer a friendship to someone that lied and destroyed our marriages. Trust is valued in every friendship, not just marriage.

You can't make a friend out of someone who has so little regard for the marriage you are in with them. By the same token, your husband isn't a friend. He's a husband and considerably higher and more valuable on the relationship scale. Not many friends have sex with each other but spouses do. 

 

Last edited by Judy (August 29, 2017 5:27 am)

Judy,

You're right - we shouldn't want to offer a friendship to someone that isn't being decent to us.  It doesn't make sense.  And yet, I've seen it time and time again here on this board.  I've seen people who want to help their GID spouse through that trial/journey, to their own detriment.  It's very plain from the outside looking in that not only isn't their GID spouse being a good friend to the st8 spouse, but that if both partners concentrate on the GID spouse's needs, no one will be looking out for the st8 spouse.  I see a lot of encouraging going on here all.the.time on that point alone - that we need to engage in self-care, even though our inclination is to help someone we love through their hard time.

As far as spouses go, they can be both a spouse and a friend.  I say that because I have one who is both, and I had one that was not a friend.  The man I'm currently married to is the person that I most want to share news with - both good and bad.  I laugh with him a ton.  I'd want to have him for a friend if I never had him as someone I loved.  I can't say that about my ex, though.  He was my husband, and I did often tell him things.  But he wasn't my best friend.  I think for a lot of us, we have come to think of our spouse as both.  And it scares us to think of not having that person around to talk to, to comfort us, to help with loneliness.  We want to keep THOSE things, even if we can't keep the part where we live together and share intimacy.  And I get that.  I just happen to think it's impossible to have a friendship with someone who is not being good to you - who is lying to you, cheating on you, living a double life.  The word friendship needs to mean more than companionship with someone you share a history with.  It has to imply that they have your best interest in mind.  If that can't happen, you can't really have a true friend out of the situation.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 30, 2017 10:06 am)