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August 23, 2017 5:46 pm  #1


At the broken stage

Well here I am again 6 months on from discovering my husband has had gay relations and he has run away with his boyfriend.... Just walked away from everything we built together.
Coming home when he feels like it, never hearing from him on the phone and going round and round with the same situation.
I am so agree every day it gets worse and I'm starting to hate him, well it becomes a love hate relationship...
He thinks I am being mean to him when I say the truth or speak my mind.
My husband thinks he can play with peoples emotions as he has none and he thinks that everyone is going to be hanging while he makes his mind up if he want to spend his life with a man or not..... 
I have given up on asking why, I am just hurt now and making the hard decision are coming closer closer now.
He doesn't want to let go of me,  and I think well its time.... 
It is so hard to let go of someone you have been with for 20 years, and thinking he was my best friend in the whole world has broken my world....
I try to keep him talking to me but it becomes hard work most of the time and you feel like you are the only one making the effort.

Although I am trying very hard there are very difficult days where I cry and feel so sad.
Where life does go on we as broken people have to pick our lives up and move on as life is very short.
There are so many of us that do the same thing for our partners, we feel for them, we try to save our marriage as like me you must have thought that it was for ever and that we wanted to grow old together... Some how these people don't think like us..... 
I don't know my husband anymore, I miss him, I miss the chats we use to have, the fun we had the laughs, there were never really any sad or bad days when I was with him until he told me the truth of his hidden life being gay...

The other day I was in the spa thinking well if you want to walk out on everything we built then enjoy your sad world...... Because he isn't happy and hes not dealing with his issues..
But oh well onward and upward I say.

Thanks for letting me vent here, I appreciate it.
 

 

August 24, 2017 6:08 am  #2


Re: At the broken stage

Vee,
   I think we've all had moments like this, especially as we pass from the stage of trying desperately to keep our marriages (and our former visions of our spouses/parnters) intact to the stage of seeing clearly that what we feared we might have to do we do indeed have to do: end the marriage.  
   If I may echo Phoenix's "It's OK" post: it's ok to grieve.  In fact, it's necessary and unavoidable.  Feeling the lost life, the betrayal, the discard, of course we hurt, of course we grieve.  Grieving is a step toward acceptance and toward the new life we will live free of the overwhelming and daily betrayal and discard.  
  
  I am trying out Rob's therapist's advice that when he finds himself grieving he allows himself to grieve for a set time.  At those times I'm overwhelmed and sob with grief, I go ahead and cry, but then I say, ok, enough, wipe the tears away, square your jaw and shoulders, and remember that letting out a little more of the grief means you've left a little more of it behind, so you can move on knowing you're stronger.  

I hope saying what you needed to say on the forum helped you manage that bout of grief.
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 24, 2017 6:10 am)

 

August 24, 2017 9:41 am  #3


Re: At the broken stage

Vee,

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  It sounds as though your husband has completely taken you for granted to the point where he is only staying in the marriage because it suits him.  If he were worried about you at all, he wouldn't be doing the things he's doing.  You need to understand that it's not a compliment to you that he can't let go of you - he's using you at this point.  Get angry about that so you can use it as fuel.

You are right to have given up on asking why.  These people don't think like us.  If we could understand this, it would mean that we were as warped as they are.  A lot of your husband's actions sound like that of a narcissist.  He has no right to do the hurtful things he's doing to you and then expect you to just roll over and have no opinion on it.  It's as if everything is about him - even YOUR emotions.  That's classic narcissist behavior.  Read up on that so you understand just how toxic it is, and likely how much of it you've come to accept and don't even see any longer.  Eyes wide open now.

You're very right in that life is too short to go on living this way.  Figure out your exit and start walking in that direction one step at a time.  Take control of your own life.

Keep posting - it helps to get it all out and organized so you can see your own truth.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 24, 2017 5:07 pm  #4


Re: At the broken stage

The feeling of grieve is hurting..... for the first time last night I just don't answer the phone to him...
The family home is lonely without him and I feel alone at times...
I have got out there meeting new people and trying to just listen to other peoples lives so I dwell on my life at the moment....And he has even got jellous about this lol ........
 Although I have to be careful as I don't trust any man any more and I have no reason to trust any of them at the moment. But yes I know I will get over it in time...
Yes every day is hard to accept what is happening and I know it get better...
I feel myself on the cross trainer working out harder and harder as I am so mad with him......
Never have I felt anger like this....... 

It was my birthday the other day, and he turned up with flowers, it made me more mad I yelled at him and was so mad... this morning I threw the flowers in the rubbish they weren't even the flowers I like... They felt wrong and when I touched them they gave me bad vibes....

Time will heal I know, time will heal.....


 

Last edited by Vee (August 24, 2017 5:09 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

August 24, 2017 7:22 pm  #5


Re: At the broken stage

Vee,

Yes.. it hurts.  I miss the person I thought my ex was and the life we had.  But if you put a gun to my head I would not want the person she is now back in my life.  She turned out to be so horrible and hurtful.   in-human
I agree with Kel..these people do not think like we do..   We could not hurt like they do.  In their heads they 
think what they are doing to us is morally right..  no... it is not.

I totally agree on the flowers..throw them in the garbage...him giving them is like shooting someone and then giving them a band-aid.

My house is lonely sometimes but safe from abuse...no one hurting me over and over.   

Definitely practice no contact and if he is gone do not let him back in the home.   

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 24, 2017 7:28 pm  #6


Re: At the broken stage

Thanks Rob, I'm learning.... 

Time will heal, god it sucks!

     Thread Starter
 

August 25, 2017 8:19 am  #7


Re: At the broken stage

Learning,    yes... I had to learn how to take care of myself and stop being so selfless when going through
this..  I had severe trauma bonding or insame loyality..  I just could not hurt her even when she was, clearly, hurting me.   It took me some time to realize that she would hurt me without conscious or remorse.

You could say,  we empaths./kind caring people   had to learn how to be an as**hole just like them.. Its not that black and white though..  With a normal spouse being giving and selfless might be ok..  But these GID spouses are insatiable..  they are not normal...   The rules of marriage they trampled..

I'd like to think I came through this and remained the same kind person I was...that I did not become a selfish as** like her.    But every time I have to interact with her  I have to put up my defenses and remember I'm not dealing with someone that thinks like everyone else.  

We learn..    I long to be with people that are authentic and normal and do not have a "broken moral core" 
like my ex...  I'm a bit  afraid and distrustful now...but I do realize it was her that was broken and most people are not like her.   


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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