I do know of people here who have gotten private investigators.  Not many, but some.  I can't say that they were any more mentally settled over their findings than those who were left wondering were.  If you intend to confront your spouse with the supposed findings, there won't be the reaction you're hoping for.  There would be no, "Omg, WHAT have I done?  Omg, I'm SO sorry.  I've been horrific to you.  Let's go to counseling and I'll be open about all areas of my life from now on."  They will have excuses, they will play the blame game (you know the one - the one where they fault YOU for not TRUSTING them!).  They will say you drove them to it, or that that's just a friend, etc.  Blah, blah, blah.  All lies.

For me, it came down to knowing that no matter what was wrong, it wasn't getting better.  And it wasn't going to.  I walked because I wasn't happy, and he didn't seem to care enough to even be affected by that.  I saw no change over 16 years, so how much was I going to see over the next 15?  I decided I didn't want to choose to be in an unhappy, stagnant marriage.  It was only later that I learned that he was actually gay.  But even if I'd never learned that, I'd still be happy today that I chose to walk away from choosing unhappiness.

Please keep in mind that there are no good answers here.  There are bad scenarios, and there are worse than bad scenarios.  Worse than bad is when you find out your spouse is gay because you've been given a disease from their cheating.  Or having their boyfriend contact you to say that you're getting in their way.  Bad is figuring out that your spouse is gay.  It is not less bad when you know exactly what they've done in the bedroom with the other individuals.  It gives your brain images you don't even want - despite feeling like you do want them.  I've been asked many a question by others that I don't have the answers to - because I never asked them of my ex.  Things like, "How can he be gay and still have slept with you?"  I have no idea.  What the fuck does it matter, ya know?  I need to describe his compartmentalism to them in order for my story to be understood?  I don't need anyone else to understand it - Iiiiiiii understand it.  They want to know when he realized.  Is there a good answer to that?  If I'd asked my ex that and he said "I JUST figured it out yesterday", I'd think that maybe ending things was premature (even though things had been "off" for a decade).  If he'd said, "Years ago", I'd have been upset that he'd kept this from me for years.  If he'd said, "All along", I'd have been mortified that I'd been played that long, and beyond angry that he did this to me.  There IS no good answer.  The specifics don't matter.  What matters is that you're unhappy, you've tried to express this to him, and it's not fixed.  If, on TOP of that, you feel that the root cause of the problem is something that can't POSSIBLY be fixed, then it's just more proof that walking is the only option.

Do what you need to do.  But know that you likely won't be any more happy no matter what results you find.

Kel

I've come to the realisation that the only proof I need....is the acknowledgment I no longer want to be 
THIS UNHAPPY.  
Saying the words this morning to the silent brick wall that lay beside me " I don't want to be this unhappy. I 
don't want the homosexual you, I want the heterosexual you and I know that's impossible because you have to be who you are just as I have to be who I am" 
He was silent through all this.
 
The first steps are the hardest to take....especially when I thought my life was fine, then realised it was not....in fact it had changed to *unrecognisable*.....and now, in having to catch up to where He is means 
re-evaluating EVERYTHING in My life up to this point....you'd think those first steps to break away from it 
would be easy, cathartic, liberating. They are not. 

 

Ellexoh,

YES - you've got it now.  You've hit that nail on the head.

You would think that the realization would be cathartic, but it doesn't really feel that way at the time.  I think because the realization brings with it the inevitability of big changes, which are scary and uncertain at this point in time. Over time though, you will likely come to see that your entire journey of a happier life began with this day, and with that realization.  And there will be many more realizations now, too.  Some that empower you, and some that make you sad.  All bumps in the road.

Kel

Leah,
 I'd like to highlight your entire post!  But in the interests of emphasis I'll highlight only this part, because I think it applies to so many of us.  It certainly hit the nail on the head for me.

It is still hard for me because I have always thought of the husband I had - before I knew.  Or actually the projection I had, the chimera of the person I thought he was.  And I remembered the comforts and the ease of being a wife and all that gave me.  But after he disclosed his affair, after all the years of worry and fear and gaslighting and feeling it was all ME.  I knew I could never really be happy with this person and that his interests/action had never really been to do with my happiness.  He feels he did me a huge favour staying with me so long as we had kids which is just another aspect of his demeaning attitude towards my abilities as a capable adult person.

Ellexoh,  It does sound as if you've had a a-ha moment.  It will be followed, I'm sure, by more of them.