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August 20, 2017 4:49 pm  #1


WAT2DO

Hello, Wow were does a person begin! Well when we met we both were very open to experimenting sexually together, we had a threesome with a women and it was fun and never thought about after, I felt no jealousy at all.. We had a awesome first 5 years, great sex, great communication..Then came the threesome with a man, I was terrified. I put it off for 4 years until I gave in!! OMG well this turned into a nightmare, turns out my husband cant get enough of men and since admitted to his past encounters with men previous to us meeting. I married him not knowing his true need for a mans touch! During these encounters we had set boundaries for each others comfort zone. He broke all them and he was a raging jealous man he wanted all the attention, it got very bad a cpl times that the other person got aggressive towards him in my defence!! He has had an affair with a man behind my back and now I am dealing with a man begging me to forgive him and work out our marriage. I feel like its my fault!! Need to clarify that the woman joining us was prior to marriage, and he was relentless and harrassed me till i gave to be with a man with him, and now i openned a door to hell.....
 

Last edited by lily72 (August 20, 2017 5:07 pm)

 

August 20, 2017 5:39 pm  #2


Re: WAT2DO

I am feeling very awkward! Nobody is commenting and is this the wrong place to discuss this, I am very aware that I agreed to his needs and am now freaking out as its not something I wanted or married him knowing this..for..please offer the right place some input..

     Thread Starter
 

August 20, 2017 6:22 pm  #3


Re: WAT2DO

I haven't been in your situation but I think there are others who post here who have. I want to welcome you to the club that none of us wanted to join and offer you my thoughts.

First of all, even if you are married you do NOT have to do whatever your husband wants sexually. You have the right to say no to sexual activity of any type with him and/or anyone else.  If you feel endangered and that your boundaries are not or will not be respected for your own safety try to stay away from those situations.

Even if you "agreed to his needs" in the past you can change your mind and that consent can be revoked. It sounds as if you need to be in a safe place to decide whether you want to get out of this relationship. You may be able to get help from your local domestic violence organization. If you are in the U.S. this # may help you locate those services.:24/7 Phone SupportTrained advocates are available to take your calls through our toll free, 24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

I hope my answer helps in some small way.

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

August 20, 2017 8:28 pm  #4


Re: WAT2DO

You begin Lily....simply by putting your thoughts down for us to read. The fact you don't feel anybody is reading/replying may simply be because of the timezone difference.....because there are people here 
from all over the world I often feel the same but realise that when I am up & angsting & needing a listening ear....most on here will be tucked up in bed, or if in another time zone......busy at work


KIA KAHA                       
 

August 20, 2017 8:59 pm  #5


Re: WAT2DO

Lily72,

I have no experience with threesomes.  But that said it sounds from your post you were doing what made your husband happy.  We empaths would do almost anything our spouses what. In my case my gay now ex estranged me from family friends...I went along because I loved her.

Like that Meatloaf song. .I would anything for love ...

I implore you do not beat yourself up.  We loved our spouses more than they ever will know.  We remain faithful and true...they betrayed our trust and hurt ys.
This is not your fault. 

A sad welcome to club that loves/loved strongly and fiercely.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 21, 2017 2:12 am  #6


Re: WAT2DO

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:28 pm)

 

August 21, 2017 9:37 am  #7


Re: WAT2DO

Hi lily72 - I'm sorry you find yourself here.  Please note that we have a lot of "lurkers".  These are people who haven't signed up to be able to post in the forum yet but they can come here and read and gain ideas and strength from our posts.   A lot of times you might see that 20 people have read your post so far but no one has answered, but that's because lots of people want to read but not post.  So just know that your posting has helped lots of people see their own stories in you, even if they don't respond.

I'm sad to hear that you think this is all your fault.  He's the one that pushed for something you weren't ready for and then took it to a completely different level.  But the good news is that  you now know the truth.  You didn't waste 30 years of your life with this man and you now see who he really is.  Although it doesn't feel like it, this is really good information!  Use these facts and go forward from here.  Unless you want a life of your husband being with men secretly then you need to get out now.  This behavior won't change.  We've all taken a ride on the "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again" train.  Some of us took many, many rides.  They all end up in the same place which is right back where we started. 

Keep posting.  We're glad you're here.

 

August 21, 2017 10:13 am  #8


Re: WAT2DO

Hi Lily,

You are definitely in the right place.  People just take a while to respond sometimes because we might only check here occasionally when we have free time.

I tried the female/male/male threesome thing a handful of times.  I was in an experimental phase in my life, and I knew that I could walk away from not only the experience, but also the people, if it wasn't for me.  In both scenarios, it was two man who were already friends.  It had been billed to me as "TWO men paying attention to me at once".  Well, it didn't feel like that at ALL.  It was two men taking from me at once.  It wasn't for me

Once of the duos was something just very casual.  But the other was something where I was in a relationship with the man - one that I think he wanted to be more serious about than I wanted it to be.  We didn't do the threesome thing right off the bat.  He introduced the idea by saying that he wanted to "try" a cuckold relationship.  I'd never heard of such a thing before.  But he said that he would be locked down and not able to be with anyone else sexually, but I would have complete freedom to be with whomever I wanted.  Well, that sounded intriguing!  But it really held no draw for me.  As far as I was concerned, I was already able to sleep with whomever I wanted.  If I wanted one of us locked down, I wanted both of us locked down.  I told him this.  And he'd let the subject drop.  Only to bring it up again only days later - always pushing the topic.  I eventually gave in.  And as I stated previously, it wasn't for me.  And I told him that.  And he still pushed.  I firmly said "No.  Stop bugging me about it or I'm walking."  He said that it wasn't something he needed - just something he'd wanted to try.  Fine - then it should be no big deal to let it lie, right?  So he left it alone - for like, an entire week or so.  Then it started to come back. And I did walk.  Because at this point, we had been dating for like, 3 months.  If this was such a huge issue now, then we were only at the very beginning of how big he wanted this thing to get.  He begged and begged to have me back in just a "normal" relationship, but I firmly felt that this was all about him, and I had no interest in that.  The man bugged me for months.  He eventually went away when it was clear I was no longer an option for his game.   I came to realize that if I had been with someone I had been truly in love with (and he in love with me back), I would have been furious with him even asking me to attempt to share my body with someone else.

You are in a different situation in that it is your husband.  But you did set boundaries, and he didn't respect them.  That's very selfish.  Boundaries are set so that neither party feels uncomfortable beyond what they are willing to, and to ensure that harm is not caused to the relationship and to the individuals.  He didn't care about that, though.  There WERE no boundaries, as far as he was considered.  A yes to the main question meant that he had carte blanche on the entire situation.  And once he crossed those boundaries and saw that you didn't leave (because he could see that you were hurt and upset, but that wasn't where his line was at - it was only in keeping you), he felt he could keep going on in that vein.  And you didn't leave, which is all that mattered to him.

This is NOT your fault.  YOU were not the individual who wanted this, AND you set boundaries.  And HE disrespected those boundaries - repeatedly.  To the point where he was having an affair and he expected you to tolerate it.  Now tell me - WHO would expect someone to be okay with them having an affair?  Only a very selfish, self-centered person.  It doesn't matter if he says he loves you - love doesn't take from someone to the point of hurting them, and then just expect that it can still be seen as love.  Love by its very nature is self-sacrificing.  You may be nodding your head right now, thinking, "Yes, and I thought I was being self-sacrificing for him."  Marriage by it's very nature only has certain definitions - the first and foremost is monogamy.  It would be one thing if you both agreed to step over that line in a manner that you both felt was controlled enough to not hurt the relationship, and then respected that.  YOU did that - you agreed (albeit reluctantly) to step over that line.  He, however, acted as the though the line were eliminated, and then continued to act that way even after it hurt you, you told him that you were unhappy with his behavior, and it became non monogamous outside the agreed upon lines (by him carrying on the affair).  This is CLEARLY not your fault.  He would like it to be seen as "you gave me permission to step over the line, so it's all your fault."  And you're drinking the Kool-aid.  Just because he wants you to believe that lie doesn't mean you have to.  He's counting on your weakness and trust in him above yourself in order for you to believe that.  Only..... you don't have reason to trust him more than yourself anymore.  He's proven to you that you shouldn't - that he does NOT have your best interest in mind.  He does not deserve your trust.

I can't tell you what you should do at this point.  But I CAN tell you that it needs to start with you not seeing it as your fault.  And that you need to stand up for yourself - because HE isn't going to do that for you.  He's all about what he wants - even at the risk of your destruction.  If you don't watch out for your own needs, then neither of you will be.  You are as important as him, Lily.  Repeat that out loud right now: "I am as important as him."  "My needs and my comfort are as important as his."  "My heart is as important as his."  When you believe that, and stand up for that, you begin to get angry that he does not see you that way.  That he supposedly loves you, and yet you're not as important as him.  It is then that you'll be able to stand firmly behind what it is you want - no matter what you've agreed to or done in the past.

Standing up for yourself won't clear the entire mess up.  And it's not going to make it easy.  But it is the place you need to start at.  You can't and won't get clear on the rest until you can believe that 1) you're as important as him, 2) it's not your fault, 3) you have no commitment to continue letting him do things that you approved in the past, and 4) that he needs to own up to the point that he's not respected your heart.  That's where this all needs to start.

I wish you the best -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 21, 2017 12:01 pm  #9


Re: WAT2DO

Welcome Lily.  I'm sorry you find yourself dealing with these troubles in your marriage.   Keep sharing and talking to us.. it's very good therapy for you to write out your feelings and to get advice from people who know what you are going through. 
 We are here for you!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 21, 2017 2:42 pm  #10


Re: WAT2DO

Hello Everyone, Thank you for the time zone reminder! and all your input it has helped. its such a gross situation that I have found myself in, I do believe this will continue to happen in the future and I know I cannot change someone's sexual preference. I guess its just the decision making that is so hard..

     Thread Starter
 

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