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1 of 1- Louise
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Where do I go from here?
My husband came out almost 1 year ago and after 39 married years, recently said he wants a divorce. Nobody else knows except his therapist. We own and work together every day at our business we started 27 years ago. He wants to continue working together so he can still see me. Says he still loves me and I will have to approve of his significant other when that happens. He would also like my advice when he is in a relationship because he says I am smart. Ouch! Stop turning the knife! Evidently he has had lots of time to work out his end. I am a wreck...feeling more stressed, angry and sad at the office and sometimes unable to contain myself. Work is my only stability, my daily routine yet it keeps me from finding friends and getting more support than just from my therapist. All of my married life has been about him/us and I am having a difficult time moving forward alone. Where and how do I start?
- Daryl
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Louise, that is difficult - most people just have their personal life and kids to share but for you it also includes your business, which I'm assuming neither of you want to abandon. If you haven't already done so, get legal advice. If neither of you wants to sell their share of the business then you need to formalize some sort of partnership/ownership but the business is also part of the marital assets so you have to do this right. Post-divorce, I think business and personal should be separate. He wants to be friends after four decades of not being honest with you. You have the right to say no or not right now. He doesn't need your approval or blessing in his future relationships, and it does sound like he intends to go for one. If you've been married 39 years I am assuming he is round about 60 years old. He shouldn't need you choosing his partners or being his therapist. He can figure it out on his own. Keep your "smart" for use in the business decisions.
You said he was out but nobody knows except his therapist? Unless you meant no one knows about the divorce, that's not being out! He has said he want's to end the relationship. That's hard to walk back on, once said. Worry about yourself now. If you have kids (adult I assume) don't let him control the narrative. Speak the truth and let them make their own choices.Take steps to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. There is life on the other side. One step at a time.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Abby
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Re: Where do I go from here?
My now-ex decided to announce he was gay and wanted a divorce after 30+ years of marriage. Where do you go from here? To an attorney who handles divorces with assets and is able to work with an accountant to get you the best property distribution possible. You get one shot at this so you have to get a lawyer who can see the big picture of what you need when you can't. If you don't already have a personal therapist now is the time to get one because lawyers are not equipped to deal with the emotional side of things and you will need to keep the two separate. Don't stifle your feelings but vent in appropriate places.
I went to an aggressive and expensive attorney initially to preclude him from using him and to get my husband's attention that words had consequences. When I told him who I'd consulted he very quickly realized that legal fees could consume everything we had and he began to face the reality that giving me the house (which I could not have afforded to keep) was NOT going to be the property settlement. I retained a different attorney and let her negotiate with his attorney to provide for me. I am now retired and am living in the little house I bought in a new location.
If you are not already thinking of retirement you will need to be. If you are in the U.S. you can go to the official Social Security website and open an account so that you can be sure your earnings record is correct and see what you would get if you retired based on your earnings record. If you had succession planning for your business which involves your children they will need to be taken into account in the decision-making.
As a business woman you are better-equipped than most for this journey. I wish you all the best.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- lily
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Your story is very similar to mine and so I am going to make a suggestion.
You only get one chance at this - the separation I mean - take every ounce of strength and determination you have and form a plan for it. Do it for yourself, don't discuss it with him. Deliberately make spaces for yourself where he isn't around and you can think freely. Going for a walk is good. Step A of the plan should be something like I will curl up in my own spot and give myself a cuddle at least once a day - this is so tough.
I had thoughts of being able to have a friendship after we had separated and I still do things like acknowledge his birthday but I no longer want to be friends with him. I just don't.
There is a difference in our stories - mine is still in the closet, he's never had a reason to leave it, he never found a new boyfriend - my guess is yours has. Someone who has caused him to come out of the closet. It is possible this is because his boyfriend is so loveable but it is also possible he talked him into it.
Decide what you want and stick to it. We had already stopped working together and I was in my own smaller business so a lot easier for me - my honest reflection is you need space to heal and you can't do that working together, could you tell him to take a holiday?
Make this all about you. Wishing you all the best, you have already taken a great step in posting here. be kind to yourself at all times. xox, Lily.
- Louise
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Thank you Daryl & Abby for suggesting I get legal advice. He has not yet filed for divorce...or that I know of. But, I was blindsided by his gay and divorce disclosures so, it makes good sense as you said, Daryl, to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Thankfully we have no children. Also, California divorce is 50/50 and that includes retirement savings plus social security. So much to think about during an emotionally debilitating time. I appreciate all your level-headed suggestions. And Lily, thank you for reminding me to take care of and make time for myself. I know this is just the beginning and I am so thankful for those of you who have traveled this road ahead of me and are willing to provide some guidance and light. Take care!
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Thread Starter- Dee
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Welcome Louise,
So sorry this is happening to you, but glad you've found your way here. It's gut wrenching to say the least, but the pain does lessen and life gets better. You've already gotten some great suggestions for legal issues, so I'm going to stick to the emotional side. First of all, your husband is years ahead of you, and you are going to be playing lots of catch up. I know you're hurting and have invested a lifetime with this man, ( I had 30+ years so marriage before mine imploded.) but he has NO right to tell you what you do or don't have to accept. If he brought home a girlfriend and said she was moving in and you needed to accept it, would that be ok? Probably not, but because it's a same sex relationship, they feel all of a sudden we need to just shut up and accept it. That's total BS. He's cheated and broke your marriage vows, and changed the rules, and you have a voice. And to pour salt in your wounds, he wants you to weigh in with your smarts on his new relationships? Please use those same smarts and get some righteous anger. You get to decide if you even want to still be friends, once you figure out the business aspect of it. Friends don't treat friends like this.
Hugs.
- phoenix
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Welcome Louise,
I have to agree with Dee. What he has done to you is awful and he doesn't deserve your friendship or advice or even tolerance of his presence. Personally, I can't spend time with my ex right now because I won't tolerate a person who was so incredibly dishonest and selfish. If I had to work with her I would quickly find a way to dissolve that partnership so that I could put distance between us.
You don't owe him anything Louise. You owe yourself because you are the only one of the two who does care about you. If you want to continue your business partnership with him, go ahead and to that, but from now on the relationship is strictly professional. If his relationship makes you uncomfortable let him know that you will have zero interest, care, or concern.
As much as it hurts Louise, remember that you are the only one who cares about your life. He clearly does not, so focus your energy on making yourself healthy and happy. Do not put yourself out even a little bit for his benefit. Get a strong attorney and protect your financial standing so that you have a comfortable future. Keep going to that therapist. Keep posting here and sharing your feelings.. it's great therapy!
Let us know how we can help, even if it's just being here to listen and understand.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.