I don't see this as a long-term solution. How comfortable are you going to be with your wife's girlfriend  being in your shared home?  Where are you going to entertain your dates?  What are you going to tell to your children?

Hi Abby
I am not thinking long-term for now. I hope my wife is just experimenting and will realise her mistake and want to come back to me.... I hear what I am saying and if others look from the outside its easy to say RUN, jump ship.. I am not sure I can just yet without trying everything. I dont want regret later in life that I could have tried. Especially if she is just going through a phase and then might end up with another man later and not me... (again clutching at straws maybe) but I feel I need to TRY...
Thanks for your advise

Can you really give her your blessing to have sex with other women?  Can you sit at home some Friday evening knowing she is out having sex with another woman?  

Abby makes a fantastic point..  What kind of girlfriend are you hoping to find?  You might find sex, but not love.  

Is this the type of role model you want to be for your kids?  Do you want them to see this lesson of what marriage and adulthood is like from their parents?  They will be so much better off being loved fully in two separate homes than they will be in one with a completely dysfunctional marriage.  

I know you are grasping at any straw you can find to try to keep her in your life.  I did the same.  Most of the men in this group did the same..  we always try everything possible to keep things together and all we do is prolong the suffering.  You love her deeply and fully,  that love is part of the core of your being, and that doesn't die quickly or easily.  

I'm advising you based on my experience (which is almost exactly what you are going through).  Having been through it myself, I am trying to help you transition to a safer place more quickly.  You won't change your mind based on my advice.. it will take your own personal circumstances to direct that change..  but when it starts to happen I hope you remember my advice and it helps you move more quickly and with less pain to a better future. 

Hi Just,

I know you want a "win" story so much.  I did too.  I came to this site about 6 years ago with the exact same request from the members way back then.  I would get angry and think: why isn't anyone listening to me, why are they all telling me to run??  It wasn't what I was looking for so I set off on my own.  For years I gave second chances and third chances.  But the truth is that when you stick around for someone who is already looking elsewhere then the only person that wins is them.  I wasted  years searching for proof and giving more chances only to let a year go and then find more lies.  Then let another year go and find more lies.  Even if she ends up with a man later....why would you want her back?  She's a cheater.  Man or woman, it's cheating.  Once a cheater cheats it's almost guaranteed it will happen again. 

I was reading Kel's reply to your other post and I have to agree with her.  Psychologists are trained to look for excuses for people's behavior.  I'll give you a great example.  One of my very good friends has a husband who she recently found out has had about ohhhh, 7 co-worker flings over the last few years.  Instead of kicking his ass to the curb she hauled him in to a therapist who promptly explained that he was acting out due to mother issues or some horseshit.  Sorry but I call BS all day long.  You're an adult and you do what you want.  What he wanted to do was bang coworkers all day long and get away with it.  He travels for a living so I wish her good luck in the future.  She chose to buy the BS she was sold about the mommy issues.  And so what now?  Now that he was told he has mommy issues the problem suddenly goes away?  Because that's the false impression my friend is now living under.  Oh, yes he had a light bulb moment and now he's cured.  Omg.  Horseshit.  (I love that word).

The wondering will eat away at you.  Unless you're someone who can truly forgive and FORGET (that's the hard part) there will be a part of you who will always wonder if she's hooking up with someone else.  So when you're asking if anyone has had a win, what we can tell you without a doubt is that hundreds of people come here and many of them (including me) were looking to be that one person, that one couple who can make it work.  But what you will come to realize is that we're not here just making this stuff up.  We're here to tell you that we've all been there, done that, and we're trying to save you years of BS. 

Now...with all that said, I definitely am not a proponent of running out the door right now this minute and never looking back.  Especially with a marriage and kids I say sure, give it a year, see how it goes.  But don't throw away several years on this merry-go-round.  Keep an eye on her.  Don't let her con you in to thinking everything is all roses if she's staying out with "friends" and not being loving or showing your relationship the attention it deserves.  You'll know if things aren't right with the two of you.  All I'm saying is don't ignore that nagging feeling.  it's there for a reason.  In almost every one of our circumstances there's a honeymoon phase after a reuniting that lasts a few weeks or even a few months.  Most of our spouses couldn't keep the act up for longer than that.  If this is what you want, do it again, try your hardest, but don't lose yourself in this.  Set a time limit.  And keep posting.  We're here for you.

I know you're not hearing what you want to here.  And that's because it's hard for us all to believe it can be done when we've all tried it ourselves.  That plus there are a LOT of people who swing by here to chat - either long-term or short.  And I've get to see a situation yet (in about 5 years) where it seems to have worked out and worked out WELL for the straight spouse.  Maybe it'd be a possibility if you didn't really care about sex, and you didn't care if your spouse went and had some with someone else - as long as you got their undying attention at home.  I'm not sure.

Let's take the gay out of the equation for just a moment so that we can examine having an on-the-side affair.  Let's pretend, for the sake of the argument, that it's you who wanted one.  You love your spouse but you are not happy with the sex you two have.  Maybe it's not enough sex.  Maybe it's that the passion level during the encounter doesn't match.  Maybe it's that your spouse won't do things that you'd really like them to (whether reasonable or not).  Or maybe it's that you don't enjoy their particular bedroom talents, or that you like one kind of kissing and she another. Whatever it is, you're misaligned, and what you're desiring is purely in the sex department.  You don't want to love anyone else, you just want some satisfying sex.  So,.... you go out to find that.  You have a few options for partners:

1.  You have other people in your same situation - other married women who are cheating on their husbands.  Only in 99% of those cases, they're not doing so openly.  So there is limited time available for them to do this, and the stars need to align well for it to happen.  That likely means many frustrating cancellations, and a lack of readily available communication between encounters.  You need to worry about the other people they've slept with or are sleeping with.  Hell, you need to worry about the people their spouse is sleeping with.  You will only be able to have encounters in hotels, which is either expensive, or seedy.

2.  Other single women.  Most who are above the age of 25 are looking for something more than sex - even if that's just friends with benefits - which does entail some form of upkept friendship.  So now you need to spend time on them when you are with your family/spouse.  Other options include women who want sex but with no strings attached.  And you'd need to ask yourself..... WHY would a woman want that?  It's entirely possible she'd want it for the same reasons a man would.  But that's not likely.  You have to worry now about how many men this woman is and has slept with.  It's like playing Russian roulette with your penis.

So now that you know your options, you choose a woman.  You go to hotels with her.  There is no connection whatsoever.  Then you're likely STILL not fully getting what you're looking for - unless you're totally cool and satisfied with just the mechanical aspect of sex being met.  So now you've got time away from your spouse and family in order to have.... mediocre sex.  And you've got the guilt of coming home to look your spouse in the eyes, knowing full well that they are GOING to want to know what went on.  And knowing that telling them isn't going to be beneficial.  And that NOT telling them isn't going to feel honest.  Catch-22.

Now,.... what if you DO feel a connection to the other person?  Well,... you will want more.  More time with them, more time spent thinking about them, more craving vs. more satisfaction.  Now your spouse seems annoying by comparison.  You wouldn't think this would happen, but it DOES.  You heart can really only belong to one person fully.  When it starts to gravitate a little toward someone else, there is momentum that forces more of it to happen unless it's altogether abandoned.  And abandoning it altogether leaves you feeling like you've broken up with someone.  Now you need to act fine in front of your spouse and kids.  Because you can't very well go around acting depressed that your side chick is gone.  You were never supposed to like her anyway.

Now,..... multiply this scenario times TWO.  And consider that whatever you  have going on doesn't align with your spouse's scenario.  Maybe you both need to have different encounter nights, cutting the time you're all together as a family by several days a month or week.  Maybe one of you is feeling unfulfilled and the other is wanting to run off with the new person.  It's.An.Effing.MESS.  What is the benefit of any of this?  What good can POSSIBLY come from any of the above scenarios?  How do any of these things build up trust and love in your marriage?  Answer: THEY DON'T.

Maybe you're hoping that your wife will realize that she's made a mistake and come back fully to you.  If YOU had a poor encounter with another woman, would it make you realize that you didn't like women?  No - you'd just think it was THAT woman that you didn't connect well with.  You'd keep on wanting women anyway - trying to find one that suits your needs well.  Your wife is not likely to abandon her desire to "try out" being with women until she has her heart broken by one.  And then she'll run back to your arms.  Terrifice, right?  Except that the issue will rear its ugly head again when she gets bored and unfulfilled again.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Until one day she finds Mrs. Right and off they go.  She will be acting like a hormonal, entitled teenager the whole time.  It'll all be about her, and getting her needs satisfied.  What if YOUR needs are to have a committed, devoted, faithful spouse?  How do you get what you need if she's trying to fulfill her needs, which are in direct oppositon  to yours?

This is not about compromise, or trying something on to see if it fits.  If you're not enough for her, then you're STILL not going to be enough for her once she gets with other people.  It's like a weed with more roots that refuses to be pulled up after it's grown to a certain size.  You can't pull that weed out with your bare hands any more.  Even a weeder won't be enough.  You'll need a freaking shovel.  And you're tear up so much lawn along the way that it's hardly worth it.

I'm sorry that I can't tell you what you want to hear.  But I want you to be able to understand what's out there for you if you go the route you're considering.  It ain't pretty. It's PAINFUL. And you can't un-ring the bell.  In the end, it likely won't matter what you do.  You don't have to throw every solution available at the problem in order to feel like you've done everything YOU can to make it work.   if certain solutions don't set well with you, then they're NOT going to work in your scenario.  Examine what it is YOU need and want, and see if that can work with what she wants.  If not, don't bother attempting those solutions.  They won't work if they will leave you feeling empty, abandoned and betrayed.  THAT is NOT "working".

I hope that whatever scenario you choose, you are kind to yourself.  That you realize that your needs are just as important as hers.  And that you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

All the best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 10, 2017 5:58 pm)